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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you think sexual orientation is fixed this early on?

56 replies

demonchilde · 01/12/2016 19:03

Ok- so DS4 (11) is adamant he is gay, and has been saying so for at least 2-3 years now. So as not to drip feed, or miss anything out, he also has ASD, and as such a tendency to just say what he is thinking without any fear or care of how a person will react to that, or whether it is an appropriate time to mention it. Which can be fun.

This is not something that would bother me or anyone in my family at all, he is what he is, and if he brings it up we will just talk openly about it. However, if it has ever been discussed, a lot of people will argue that he can't possibly be sure of his sexual orientation at that age, but I'm not sure I agree. A lot of heterosexual people will say it wasn't like there was a specific time they realised they were attracted to the opposite sex- they just knew, and I think it's likely it is the same for him.

Just wondering what others think? AIBU to think sexual orientation is something that is likely to be known and fixed from such a young age, or not?

OP posts:
DailyMailSucksAss · 01/12/2016 22:10

Of course it is. Nobody would question it if he was saying he liked girls at this age - why is it suddenly different because he likes boys?

Original poster
demonchilde · 01/12/2016 22:18

Love the Harrison Ford post :D.

Yes, agree with not labelling him or making an issue of anything. My reasons for asking what I am is more of a general interest in the whole subject IYKWIM? It's not something I am fixated on in relation to him - what will be will be, his future sexual orientation is not something I want to be able to control or influence in any way. He will always be loved and accepted by whoever he grows up to be, and he knows that.

I hadn't considered that his ASD could be why he is so black and white on the matter, but that would make sense. His thinking is very rigid in general.

And have there DotForShort? I'll have to have to take a look. Yes, he is the youngest of four boys, the 5th of my 6 children.

OP posts:
Fluffsnuts · 01/12/2016 22:23

I was 5 or 6 when I knew I liked girls the same way I liked boys. I knew I was 'different' and I didn't know there was such as thing as gay.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 01/12/2016 22:23

My wife knew she was gay when she was 10 - I knew when I was 42. Bleugh ... who bloody knows - or maybe nobody is anything. Fluidity and all that..

DotForShort · 01/12/2016 22:35

Yes, according to several studies, the more older brothers a man has, the more likely he is to be gay. It has been dubbed "the older brother effect." No one knows exactly why it seems to happen but it has been observed to a degree that is significant. Interestingly, no corresponding effect has been observed in women.

PushingThru · 01/12/2016 22:39

I knew I was gay at that age & spent a miserable adolescence (90s) trying to pretend I wasn't because of fear of what people might think, no role models & a lack of exposure to others like me.

PushingThru · 01/12/2016 22:43

& hey I'm pretty rigid about my lesbian identity & that would remain even if I presented on the spectrum, which I don't. No need to conflate those & consider them related.

PushingThru · 01/12/2016 22:48

Try to remember that you wouldn't invoke his ASD & black and white thinking if he had a gf at school & told you he wanted to marry a lady when he grows up.

Original poster
demonchilde · 01/12/2016 23:38

That's interesting DotForShort - I'll have to take a look.

And yeah, really good pont there in your last post PushingThru - definitely something to bear in mind. That must have been really difficult to go through at that age, it's refreshing to see something in society that has changed so much for the better during my lifetime, here at least. Everyone should be free to be exactly who they are in that sense, without fear of judgement or rejection.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/12/2016 23:39

Harrison Ford was who I was going to marry at about 10 so he's clearly an influential man!

BumDNC · 01/12/2016 23:44

I wasn't sure about my DD and nor was she until very recently (12) when she developed a giant crush on a male pop star and then a boy at school. I was actually fully expecting either gay or non commital/unsure to anything, she has always been really very neutral and then suddenly, bam!

If they know then they know. If they don't then give them time Flowers

PoundingTheStreets · 01/12/2016 23:50

I think it can be. I am not a particularly sexually driven person and I am getting on a bit, but even I can remember that I felt primarily attracted to males by the age of 10. I am a heterosexual female adult.

That said, I tend to agree with the Kinsey scale that sexuality is a sliding scale rather than a binary choice and that you can move along it at various times in your life.

TBH unless you think that sexuality is something that he needs to explore in a safe environment (in which case then yes, talk about it), I'd ignore. There is so much more to people than what gender they are sexually attracted to; it really is incidental. As a heterosexual female I don't find myself having to live my day-to-day life by assessing my reactions to every male I meet. I just get on with living. A similar attitude may help him relax about the issue.

Good luck. Smile

Milklollies · 01/12/2016 23:51

I was 9 when I realised I was gay.

noeffingidea · 02/12/2016 00:14

Sexuality is fluid for some people, not for everyone.
Some people do know their orientation at a very early age. I don't see anything unusual or unbelievable about your son's sense of identity, OP. In fact it's nice that he is able to accept himself as the way he is.

TheKrakenSmith · 02/12/2016 00:41

It took me till 14 to twig that not everyone liked both! I'm Bi, and I wish my parents knew. I wish they'd been as great as you're being to your kid. I imagine he knows, but if it changes it doesn't matter that much. I certainly can't recall a time where I wasn't attracted to both men and women, as soon as being attracted to people was a thing in my brain, either gender was an option.

CountFosco · 02/12/2016 00:51

I also think that until a straight child is told it's a phase or that they don't know yet, we need to stop thinking gay children don't know.

This absolutely.

I think sexuality isn't a binary and so although people are what they are there's probably a lot of us who are more or less bisexual and so sexuality can appear to change based purely on who you are in a relationship with, society likes the binary labels. My SIL had boyfriends in her 20s but then met a woman and has been with her for over 20 years now. So what is she? I haven't bothered asking how she labels herself, all that matters is that she loves her girlfriend and her girlfriend loves her.

Choccywoccyhooha · 02/12/2016 02:03

My friend says that he knew he was gay from about aged 8 or 9, when he fancied Jason Donovan. He didn't come out until he was 18, but he always knew. With hindsight the signs were always there, from late primary school age.

My middle child is six and I would be extremely surprised if he is straight.

Pallisers · 02/12/2016 02:13

I also think that until a straight child is told it's a phase or that they don't know yet, we need to stop thinking gay children don't know.

This absolutely. I knew I was straight at age 6. I just didn't think about it because I was the norm. 11 is plenty old enough to know your sexual orientation and in my opinion an 8 year old can know too.

I have a fabulous book called "How You Knew" which is just quotes from gay people about how they knew they were gay. The majority of the moments of truth (and some of them are funny and some of them are moving) were before they hit puberty.

Kenworthington · 02/12/2016 09:42

My ds1 was 12 when he told me he was gay. He said he'd been thinking about it for over a year as he wanted to make absolutely sure. He'd told all his school friends before me. But in all honesty it was never a surpise to us. We had always just known. Just like I always just knew I liked boys, he always just knew he liked boys too!

Graceflorrick · 02/12/2016 09:48

Definitely.

Original poster
demonchilde · 03/12/2016 18:26

I also think that until a straight child is told it's a phase or that they don't know yet, we need to stop thinking gay children don't know.

I missed this earlier on but, what an excellent point.

Also interesting to hear people's own experiences and feelings at the same sort of age.

It's funny how as humans we like to categorise and label things so they fit Then again, I strongly resisted the ASD 'label' for many years, but that went against us.

Very interesting about the older brother studies too - seems there actually is quite a correlation there. I wonder why?

OP posts:
Toooldtobearsed · 03/12/2016 18:32

My 13 year old son took me for a walk on New Years Day sixteen years ago and told me he was gay. He had just grown up 'knowing'.

I had never given it a thought, but was, strangely, not suprised. Everyone else felt the same way, no one had wondered,,but then no one was amazed by the news.

He has been married to his partner now for ten years, and i love them both dearly.

They both said that they grew up just knowing..... there was not a eureka moment, it was just a part of them.

Toooldtobearsed · 03/12/2016 18:34

Oh, and he has one older brother, who is heterosexual, married, with child.

Original poster
demonchilde · 03/12/2016 18:49

I'm glad your son found happiness with someone Toooldtobearsed

That is what my son says, he just 'knows' and I believe him. I have found it quite strange tbh why people assume that his opinion will just magically change at some stage; as others have pointed out, the same is never said about heterosexuality.

Can i just ask - was he worried at all about telling you, or did he just know it wouldn't be an issue with anyone?

OP posts:
Whatsername17 · 03/12/2016 18:56

As a teacher, I have found that there are pupils that I have taught who I just get a feeling about. Often there are behaviour traits; feeling 'different from peers', seeking adult attention/ reassurance, sometimes behaviour issues (usually kids who don't think they'll be accepted) etc. They usually end up 'coming out' at 14/15 but it can be earlier. The culture is so different at my school though - pupils are really supportive of our lgbt pupils. It's like a none issue really and so different to what it was like when I was at school. The most important thing with young people is to just allow them to discover themselves in their own time and just support them. In your son's case, your total acceptance will ensure he feels emotional accepted and reassured.