AIBU to think my daughter is too young to opt for a sperm donation?

[changingthatusername]

She's only 28.

Do I just need to mind my own business? Or at least try and offer some advice? What's the best thing that a mum can do?

This isn't because her partner can't produce sperm, it's because she doesn't have a partner.

Talk to her about different options, try to reassure her that she'll find someone, and discuss concerns if you want AND she is open to it. But essentially it is non of your business so you should support her as any adult making a decision.

Sorry this might sound harsh whatever my opinion is irrelevant and so is yours.

She is 28 years old unless there are vunrability issues she is plenty old enough to make her own life choices!

You might not agree with them but so what it's not your life.

Now obviously you very well be right (my opinion is its a bit young to think of it as a last option) but wether your right or wrong she will need your support and if you make her feel like your not that she won't come to you when she needs it.

I hope Iv not come across as nasty that's not my intent.

Not an easy thing to do so I'd be thinking she must have a good reason.

Does she have gynae issues? Is she gay? Does she have a reason to not want a partner (how long has she been single)?

Not saying I'd ask her that but if I were her mother I would be thinking there's a reason.

She hasn't really ever had a partner, but I know she's attracted to men. No issues, as far as I'm aware.

She talks about wanting a man, but struggles to believe she'll ever meet one. That's why I'm concerned about her choice, as I think that's her reason.

She's 28, it's really not your business.

If the 'right man' comes along later in her life he wont mind if she already has a child from a donor if he is the one for her.

Then again he might not. Why wait till she is 45?

I say go for it. And mind your own buisness too.

Shocked by your response. Is she able to, emotionally and financially, have a child? If so, why would you possibly not want her to?

Is your DD a MNer OP?

I'm pretty sure I just read this thread a couple of days ago but from the DD's point of view.

Does she want a partner or does she simply not think she will find one?

I love all the "mind your own business" stuff on AIBU. Most normal people do discuss life-changing decisions with close relatives, you know. Of course the OP can't tell her daughter what to do. But she might offer advice if the daughter is open to discussing this with her.

Bear in mind that grandparents often end up feeling morally obliged to help with childcare and support, especially when a child is a lone parent. If the daughter turns up asking for help with babysitting because she has not had a night off in two years, should the OP have the right to say "YOU chose to have this baby, it's YOUR business to take care of this!" right back at her?

Single motherhood by choice can be fantastic and I know one or two women who have done this and are happy with their decisions. However, it is a VERY hard road to hoe. She needs to look VERY carefully at her finances and long term career path. What kind of support network could she access? Friends, relatives etc.

She also needs to be realistic about her prospects for future relationships. A lot of (most?) guys are not particularly open to forming long term relationships with women who have a child already. The single mothers by choice that I know were around 40 and felt fairly confident that they were OK with being single for life if necessary, though they do not rule out relationships as well.

The things the OP says about her daughter make me wonder if her daughter struggles with human relationships/personal issues/lack of esteem etc. She needs to be very careful here. A baby is not a cure for loneliness and single motherhood can be very isolating.

Wise words from MaryTheCanary.

Spot on Mary

At the least it's a fairly unusual choice for a straight healthy 28 year old

Does she have the resources- energy, time, money, emotional resilience- to raise this child? Does she have back up from family/ friends if she needs it?

It will also make subsequent relationships with men less likely, at the least it will be logistically more difficult to start relationships.

I understand your concerns. At 28, I had just come out of a long-term relationship and in no way felt "on the shelf" although I did wonder if I'd ever meet anyone again, or form another lasting relationship. A few years later, after a few brief relationships, I wondered this even more. I was 35 when I met DH, 39 when we got married, 40 when DS1 was born.

In your DD's case, unless she has very real reasons to think she will never have a partner, then I think she's jumping the gun rather a lot, and would hope that the sperm donor/fertility clinics she opts for would counsel her properly (and ideally persuade her to wait a bit longer!)

Single parenting is not an easy choice - especially when there is no possible father on the scene. Plus that's going to be an interesting conversation when the child is old enough to ask about its heritage! (Although again I think the clinics deal with this)

She's not planning on something mad like getting sperm through some dodgy internet company, is she? She would go through proper channels?

Even so, 28 is, IMO, too young to think this way. 35+ is more reasonable.

But having said all that, ALL you can do is voice your concerns, put forward your arguments against, and then tell her that you will support her choice and whatever she feels she has to do. You don't want to alienate her, after all.

She's an adult, 28 is not too young at all and it's surprising to hear others question if she knows her mind. I say she should go for it if it's what she wants. She's the perfect age for children and it's really not an unusual thing to do these days. It can be hard to meet a man you really know is your soulmate.

Do you know how low the chances of IVF are by age? She's the right age for it to work - leave it 10 years and chances are it will cost £££ and a slim chance of success.

I 'did the right thing' and waited til I met the right man (39) and now 43 we have been struggling to have kids. I can't tell you the heartache. Can you imagine how it feels to have so much love to give and be childless?

I look back now at all the people interfering in my life when I was younger and wish I'd ignored them all and gone with my gut and true hearts wishes.

But then life would have taken a different turn and I would never have met DH who is holding me close snuggled up in bed as I write this...

If that's the most important thing for her then doing it younger gives her much better chance of achieving it. Waiting will only lower her chance of having a child at all.

If she's thought about the realities of being a single parent she should go for it. She may not meet anyone or they may struggle to conceive.

By late 20s/early 30s its not uncommon in the dating world to have children.

I think you need to support her choices

All the people saying she has time, that might well be the case, but its also true that by 28 I wasn't able to have children anymore. Its unlikely that will happen to her, but not impossible. I think the OPs fine to ask if her dd has considered xyz, but its ultimately not her decision and she doesn't have the right to say her dd is wrong just because she herself wouldn't make the same choice.

It's up to her. I'm rapidly approaching 40 with no chance of a baby in sight.
It's tearing me apart.
I wish I'd got pregnant when I was younger. By anyone.

I would be concerned that it would lessen the chances of her meeting a man. There will be men who will be put off, she will have less opportunity for dating, less chance to actually be out the house for a while to,actually meet someone.

It sounds to me like she's given up on meeting somebody which is a shame. Do you know why she feels like this?

try to reassure her that she'll find someone But she might not.

I think she's decided she won't. It might be she really doesn't want to, but it also might be the case she lacks confidence to.

I don't blame her.

I'm 27, and if I don't end up in a serious relationship by the time I am about 30, I plan on having my fertility tested. Depending on the results, I will then make a decision on if/when to look into IVF and sperm donation.

If you really want children, why would you wait until it is no longer a possibility? If she meets the right man later in life, he will accept her with any children she may have.

Not sure why people are using 'it'll be more difficult to find a man' as a reason not to go for it to be honest. Not everyone wants/needs a man in their lives to be happy, OPs daughter may be perfectly happy on her own - I know I am.

As for the being a single parent, well there's a high risk of that even if you're in a relationship when you have a baby - at least this way there is no emotional turmoil to deal with when a relationship ends whilst trying to be a single parent at the same time. No arguing over custody, maintenance etc. There are plenty of positives to having a child alone, it's not all negative.

I think she's being sensible OP. I've seen plenty of people advising each other to go and have one night stands in order to fulfill their wish of having a child. At 28 she's old enough to make her own decisions.

I think it's an option I would have considered had I been single and childfree at her age.
I had a cut off age of 30 in my head, had I not had children by then I wouldn't have done so at all. Maybe your daughter thinks similarly.
That said I can also see why you feel she has plenty of time.