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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think my daughter is too young to opt for a sperm donation?

76 replies

changingthatusername · 01/12/2016 01:27

She's only 28.

Do I just need to mind my own business? Or at least try and offer some advice? What's the best thing that a mum can do?

This isn't because her partner can't produce sperm, it's because she doesn't have a partner.

OP posts:
MariePoppins · 01/12/2016 09:03

Honestly? Whether she decides to use sperm donation or not is not your issue. I dont think its your place to give your pov. or to give 'advice' (which is likely to be your pov iyswim).

However, you can talk to her about the realities of being a single parent and help her work out f it is the right choice for her (be ready for the fact she will still think its what she wants to do!)

You might want to support her in feeling good enough in herself to find a partner. Remember that some women still havent had sex at that age for example and it doesn't stop them from then meeting someone and having a family. However I can see why you would wonder and worry. But I dont think this is an issue that she will be able to talk through with you. That is more the realms of a counsellor and this is something you can propose but not in relation to the sperm donor.

Tbh, on her pov, I can see why she would think about that option. She is thinking she is going to hit her 30s soon. That she cant be waiting that long (see possible fertility issues as you are getting older etc...). And she wants to be a mum.
Lots of women think that way and will settle for the first guy turning up because he is there and they want a family. Its rarely the right guy though....

expatinscotland · 01/12/2016 09:04

'Freezing eggs is another option, as she could then (if she wanted) still have the chance to have children with the man of her choice if she finds him later when her fertility has dropped. '

The egg is a far more fragile tissue, hence, why it's more recommended to freeze embryos.

MariePoppins · 01/12/2016 09:06

And yes she might also well be happy NOT to be in a relationship.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 01/12/2016 09:07

This is something I might do if I don't find someone by 30. I have PCOS and I'm very worried about early menopause, I think the longer I leave it the harder it's going to be.

SarcasmMode · 01/12/2016 09:16

I'd leave it. I'm sure she's looked at all the options and decided this is the route for her - just be there for her if she needs you.

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 01/12/2016 09:19

MaryTheCanary raises some very valid points.

It does become the OP's business if her daughter's decision impacts upon her in any way.

^^ This.

Mary make some excellent points. Has the DD thought beyond 'I want a baby'. It very much is the OP's business if the DD has expectations of childcare.

Jacquinta · 01/12/2016 09:27

Not enough information from the OP's posts to have an opinion really. Without knowing whether the daughter is emotionally and financially ready to make a commitment to a child.

RhodaBull · 01/12/2016 09:32

I'd tell her to get her fertility tested. The result would enable her to make a decision whether she should go for sperm donation or make more of an effort to find a life partner.

When I was 28 and I was still jumping around with no thought of settling down, me back then would have advised to her hang in there, someone will turn up sooner or later. As an older and wiser Hmm person, I'd definitely say check fertility first. I wish the message had been out there then, but I was living in the "Friends" era when it was all about flat-sharing, going out, and postponing adulthood for as long as possible.

waitingforsomething · 01/12/2016 09:47

Ah op I understand why you are concerned - she's your daughter so of course it's your business to worry.
28 is young to make this decision - many people meet their partners at this age and older and it is usual to have babies in late 30s onwards now.
I think if you can have a discussion with her about it without her getting upset, she'd be best to have a look at this again in 5 years. She'll still only be 33 and in that time so much could have changed.

Patsy99 · 01/12/2016 09:53

Agree with pp, no evidence here that OP is being expected to provide free childcare.

I've got a friend who used a donor and it's been a really positive thing for her. Another friend currently trying.

A responsible clinic will provide support for working through these issues. Maybe if the dd starts off the process by having fertility tested it would clarify her thinking. It might also persuade her waiting another 5 years would be fine?

Also agree, having a child already can be less of a barrier to meeting someone than being desperate for a baby.

HyacinthFuckit · 01/12/2016 09:55

One of the only things that will definitely have changed is that the treatment will be less likely to work then...

Patsy99 · 01/12/2016 10:07

Not that I'm aware Hyacinth. When I was doing IVF the charts on success rates showed no significant decline until 35, then dropped sharply after 38.

That if of course general clinic success rates. Individual testing can show up particular problems.

HyacinthFuckit · 01/12/2016 10:14

The significant decline is over 35, yes, but everything I've seen suggests your chances will be higher in your 20s than 30s. Not surprising really, since this is true of conception generally. Naturally it would be for the OPs daughter to decide what level of reduction in her chance is acceptable to her.

I agree it would be wise to consider individual testing if she is thinking of delaying, though of course it doesn't show up every issue.

BlueKarou · 01/12/2016 10:56

Definitely mind your own business, I'm afraid.

I was 29 when I started talks with a fertility clinic about going it alone with donor sperm. No reason other than that I wanted a baby and didn't want a partner.

Sounds like your daughter is sorting out her priorities - baby first, partner second. Having a baby doesn't mean she will be single forever, just that she would rather take her fertility in hand at the moment and deal with the relationship side of life later.

FWIW my Mum's been very supportive, but did make it clear she thought getting settled down with a man was what I should have done first. Once she realised I was serious about having a baby she never mentioned it again. My son is 10 months old now and she dotes upon him. Think of this as a positive - your daughter knows what she wants and is strong enough to go a less straightforward route to get it.

MariePoppins · 01/12/2016 11:03

MaryTheCanary raises some very valid points.

It does become the OP's business if her daughter's decision impacts upon her in any way.

So when a couple decides to have children, they should ask the parents and PIL first to see if they are OK with it?
Or if a woman gets pg from a ONS, she should ask the pov of her parents/mum because her decision of keeping the baby might impact them?
Its not the sole decision of the parents/woman?

Are you serious???

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 01/12/2016 11:18

I had stopped menstruating by 28. If she's single and wants a baby, I think it's risky to wait.

From a midwifery perspective, rather than current social norm, isn't 26 the cut off between young and old mum?

bibliomania · 01/12/2016 11:39

How long has she been thinking about this? If it's a relatively new idea, and a kneejerk rejection to "I'll never find somebody", I think the best advice is to wait for a year. Time to do the research, think through the possibilities, and maybe dabble a toe in dating.

Either she'll have gone off the idea or she'll have thought it through and will go about it in an informed way.

Some good advice I've learned the hard way is Don't take long-term decisions based on short-term feelings

I panicked about never finding Mr Right and had a baby with Mr Very Much Wrong. A sperm donor would have been better for me and my child.

sycamore54321 · 01/12/2016 11:55

Assuming the OP knows about his because her daughter told her, then it is her business. If she found out by snooping or spying, then no it isn't, but if the daughter has raised the issue for discussion, it is presumably because she wants to know her mother's views and opinions. Indeed, she will be expecting her mother to have views and opinions - it would be very disheartening to open a discussion on a life-changing topic with a trusted and loved parent, only to have them say "whatever you think yourself, dear".

On the substance, I would largely agree with the comments by Mary on the first page. It is, at the very least, highly unusual for a woman of 28 with no relationship history, to choose this route. It certainly is something that would prompt discussion.

Diemfdie · 01/12/2016 12:00

If it were me I would be chewing over how she may cope as a single parent (it's not easy but doable), whether she might end up shortselling herself ('kid first' will reduce the quantity of suitors in the pool, but it may very well increase the quality of those who remain) and whether she would be physically and emotionally safe (childbirth is one hell of a journey to undertake if you don't 'have to'.)

Then I would remind myself that life is an amazing adventure, that we have only some input into how things turn out, and that we live in an age where we can opt to start a story ourselves instead of living other people's.

So then... I would love my daughter twice as hard for the story she wants to try writing now. And I'd look at how I'm going to be the world's most darling grandmum. X

LRDtheFeministDragon · 01/12/2016 12:24

Is sperm donation the in thing to post on MN about? There seem to be loads of threads on it.

Anyway. You'd feel awful if she left it later and then found it was too late for her.

MaryTheCanary · 01/12/2016 12:35

"I had stopped menstruating by 28. If she's single and wants a baby, I think it's risky to wait."

Honestly, menopause at 28 is so far from average as to be almost exceptional.

Unless the OP's daughter has been warned that she has unusually limited fertility, I think she is being way too hasty.

There is a happy medium between 28 vs 45. Why not have another go at finding a partner, and consider this option again in, say, five years' time?

She could also consider getting a fertility MOT to put her mind at ease.

MaryTheCanary · 01/12/2016 12:55

"having a child already can be less of a barrier to meeting someone than being desperate for a baby."

This did not occur to me, but it is actually a very good point--men can smell that kind of desperation a mile away.

I just wonder about why the young woman has no history of relationships at all. If she struggles with personal issues, low self esteem, or finds human relationships hard then I feel a bit concerned about how she is going to manage single motherhood. It's awfully hard and can be extremely lonely at times.

I feel that she could do with "unpacking" any personal issues that are perhaps going on, before she takes such a momentous step.

Original poster
changingthatusername · 01/12/2016 13:15

She can be socially awkward and although she has lots of friends, I think she struggles at the thought of being intimate with someone.

I have a grandchild (from my son) and I'll absolutely be there for my DD to help out and offer any support I can.

I just worry that she is making this decision based on the fact that her self-esteem isn't amazing (she is very stable and happy) but obviously thinks no man will love her. She's not having a baby to be loved (she has lots of love!) but she just thinks no man will love her, so would rather be a parent alone as she thinks no man will come along.

She is happy to never have a relationship, etc.

She has a good job, lives in a 3 bed house. She is definitely ready for a family, but I think deep down she wishes that she had a partner.

OP posts:
Milzilla · 01/12/2016 13:26

There's part of me that thinks if she has a child on her own, her self-esteem might benefit from a big boost.

Also I don't think she needs to do ten times more soul-searching about this decision than a couple ever would.

With a good job, nice home, loving family and good friends she'll probably do fine.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/12/2016 22:16

Then I think the best thing you can do is to go over every eventuality with her, so you both know that she's thought it through thoroughly - there are lots of things in this thread that I wouldn't have thought about, so she may not have either - and then help support her through whatever she decides to do. :)

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