AIBU to think my daughter is too young to opt for a sperm donation?

[changingthatusername]

She's only 28.

Do I just need to mind my own business? Or at least try and offer some advice? What's the best thing that a mum can do?

This isn't because her partner can't produce sperm, it's because she doesn't have a partner.

Still plenty time for her to "find a man". My aunt at 28 was convinced she would never get married and have children. At 29 she met my now uncle, one of the nicest blokes you could meet. By 35 she had three lovely children.

Too early for her to give up hope. If that's what she wants, of course.

It's tricky, OP. As her mum, I can see why you feel this way. It's hard bringing up a child without a partner to support you, and not something to be entered into lightly. But if she really, really wants a child and there's no sign of being able to have one the traditional way, then I can see how, for her, that over rides any other feelings. The thing is that you can meet a man at any age but your chance to have a child is time limited. I know 28 is young, but I imagine 30 seems like a cliff edge to her so she wants to get things in motion before then.

Geez Mn sometimes it's not you're bussiness crap she's her daughter or cause you worry about your kids regardless of age. I'm close to her age so I agree she might be jumping the gun abit.

I've been a single parent it's bloody hard work I longed for my family unit I lost, I wouldn't be a single parent by choice. I've been with DH 6 years and we had further DC and it does make a difference having the support and love of a partner when parenting together it's a wonderful experience to have and I understand you want your DD to explore options. My advice is give your opinion but be there for her whatever decision she chooses to make.

I think that it isn't just about what she wants but it's also about the baby. Without a father at all for one thing the baby is more likely to end up orphaned at some point, what is the plan for that scenario with a smaller family all round? Something happening to them is one of the things genuine lone parents (rather than those who have just split up with their partner) really worry about ime.

Not that this is necessarily a reason to never do it, but there's stuff that needs thinking about and ideally it is better if a child has more than one parent. I'd certainly be encouraging her to wait until at least early 30s and going through the practicalities. And of course if the op figures in the plans at all it definitely is her business.....!

I am with Mary.. (page 1)

The OP did not comment about DD being in a very well paid job. So I am assuming she has a fairly average job. As a personal observation, I would not feel well disposed to someone who chooses to bring a child into the world without the financial resource to care for it and then expect everyone else to support her.

Regardless, she is putting her mum into a difficult situation. It will be very difficult to say "your baby, you look after it" when the usual sleepless nights looking after a teething child begin to take their toll.

Sadly in life we can't always get what you want.

How about considering IVF with sperm donation and then freezing the embryos for the future. At 28 her egg quality should be good, or even if it's not, better to discover that now. Freeze the embryos and wait to see if a relationship pans out. Fertility declines every year that passes so "banking" embryos now sounds entirely sensible to me.

If she's donates eggs at the same time then there are clinics which will cover most of the costs (which can be v high)

MaryTheCanary raises some very valid points.

It does become the OP's business if her daughter's decision impacts upon her in any way.

Has the daughter just assumed that her mother is going to drop everything and provide free childcare?

Has the daughter thought everything through about what it is actually like to be a single parent?

Has she gone through practicalities of being single parent 24/7 for the next 18 years?
How woukd she cope if she had twins or a child was disabled?
Can she afford it?

I became a single parent when my kids were 10 and 12. At that point the harder part of parenting in regards to how time consuming looking after kids is but it was still exhausting at times.
She won't be able to switch off and just go out etc as she can now.
Has she ever looked afer a small child for a day?

Perhaps it is a better idea than tying herself to a man she doesn't love because she is desperate for a child? Can she afford wraparound childcare? Rather than trying to talk her out of it, is it possible to discuss the practicalities and find out whether she has considered all the ramifications of being a single parent. She may surprise you. If not, it might give her pause for thought.

It does become the OP's business if her daughter's decision impacts upon her in any way.

The child will be her grandchild so it will impact on her. She will fall in love with the child and therefore will end up partly responsible for him/ her as a grandparent regardless of discussions up front.

True Basic, but I was thinking along the lines of whether the daughter will just assume that her mum will provide free childcare whenever she wants her to.

Maybe she doesn't want to 'find a man'. Maybe she wants to be a lone parent. I applaud her decision. Instead of waiting around, she's going for it. So many of us end up settling for someone because time is running out and just look at how that goes. Hope it works for her.

While I can identify some issues worthy of comment here OP, her age doesn't seem to be one of them. If DD is 28 now, she is likely going to be 29 at the youngest by the time she gives birth. There's pretty much no way that can be considered too young, surely? It's almost dead on the average for first birth in the UK. Indeed it's older than optimum in terms of fertility, chances of success, avoiding complications etc (and please, no biting my head off everyone, I have had a child at older than 29 myself so I'm well aware it's not impossible).

I totally understand having other concerns such as is she expecting lots of support from you, is she in a financial position to do this comfortably because most 28 year olds probably aren't, does she have some idea of the sheer amount of hard grunt work she would be letting herself in for. Those are all things I'd want to talk to her about. I just don't really see why her age would be on the list per se. Unless you have some particular reason you've not mentioned?

OPs daughter should go for it. Life is unpredictable and many a woman has waited and waited for the right man who never comes along. Why would anyone want to influence another's decision as to when to have a child. It's such a personal choice. At late 20s she certainly old enough to make an informed decision for herself.

Support her, it's better than just getting into a bad relationship just to have children. I don't think it's jumping the gun, she has a higher chance now and if she meets someone in the future fantastic and if not she hasn't missed her chance. She wants a child, I know a few people who settle in relationships as they want children rather than loving the person. 28 is a normal age to start wanting children

"At late 20s she certainly old enough to make an informed decision for herself."

I agree, but the key word here is "informed".

I know if DD wanted to do the same at 28 I wouldn't want to dissuade her, but I would want her to understand the practicalities. Besides which I would be 69 and not wanting to be on tap for constant free childcare.

Why the assumptions that she will expect free childcare from her mum just because she is a single parent ? It's not 1950 and the woman is not 15 year old. I was a single parent for 5 years and did not expect (or receive ) free childcare.....my mum has a job too.........
If she wants a kid let her have a kid. Single parenting isn't that hard
It is not easy but it's not the drudgery hell it is often painted as.

Also......restoy grandparent childcare expectations.....I see more of those on here from married stay at home mothers who "need a break" than single mothers.

I would discourage my daughter from doing this at 28 because I think it's an impediment to future relationships and she's far too young to have to consider this option, and it's a very tough road.

But of course, I'd tread carefully.

Good luck OP.

I do laugh at all the posts on MN in general saying 'she's an adult now' or 'it's her decision' or 'she's old enough to make her own choices, leave her alone'. Well.... having DCs similar age, I can tell you that parenting doesn't stop at 18! Of course, they are adult and can do what they want but you still want to provide a degree of input or mothering or whatever you like to call it! It doesn't all change at midnight before they turn 18...

It's literally none of your business HOW she goes about having children, it's far too personal for you to get involved in. What I can understand you feeling concerned about would be her financial position, her career options or lack thereof and her general long term plan. She's your daughter, so of course you are concerned, but you have to remember she is an adult and, at 28, I would hope she isn't the type to just make a snap, daft decision.

But she hasn't ever really had a relationship, so how's it an impediment to future relationships? Some people don't want or need a relationship, ever. They don't need or want to be coupled up, ever. I had two close female friends, now in their mid-40s, who are like this.

From someone who waited to meet someone (and met the right person at 34) I think she should go for it.

I am 3 years down the line ttc with 3 miscarriages behind me and shit loads of tests, procedures, stress.

If she can save herself all of that heartache then good for her.

Also I don't necessarily think being 35+ with a young child is necessarily more of an impediment to relationships than being 35+and desperate for a baby!

I waited till I was 37. Three years of trying later, it seems that was too late for me. I wish I'd tried earlier. Everyone told me "there's still time to meet someone". But even in my 20s I knew rationally that it wasn't very likely I'd find the right man in the right time frame. Maybe your daughter has logical reasons for not waiting. 29 isn't very young to give birth; it's probably the optimal age, if her lifestyle can support it.

There is a great deal to consider, however. She'll need to spend a long time weighing up the pros, cons, ethics and practicalities of going it alone (maybe she's already done this). A counselling session is a required step in the process when using donors in the UK, and it can be very helpful. The Donor Conception Network and support groups can be useful too.

As a PP suggested, freezing embryos is a possibility, though there's no guarantee she'll get embryos good enough to freeze. Freezing eggs is another option, as she could then (if she wanted) still have the chance to have children with the man of her choice if she finds him later when her fertility has dropped. But giving birth later is riskier, and of course if you become a single parent at, say, 40, you're more likely to leave your child alone in the world at a younger age. This is something that preys on my mind, and another reason why I wish I'd tried earlier.
I hope the OP isn't a Daily Mail Journalist.