AAAAAAGGGHHHH STUPID BLOODY DM

[MissSynful]

please give me some perspective as i feel im away to lose it with dm. I have a ds (16) - typical 16 year old, not particularly mature, has started apprenticeship, gets £160 a week. Dbro (20) is in the same position, just started apprenticeship, gets same amount of money. Both stay with me in my house. Dm has just suggested/really pushing the idea that they should get a flat together (she knows someone who will rent private to them). I have said (more to my ds than my dbro but applies equally imo) that they are neither emotionally/physically and definitely not financially ready to have their own flat. Ds is fucking 16 fgs. Dm is questioning why i would 'dash their hopes' and why i am putting them down. She is away to write down all their outgoings and perhaps on paper they could just about pay the bare minimum of bills, but there would be no money left over for typical things that 16/20 year olds like to do like smoke(mentioned this to dbro who insisted he'd give up!) drink (both insisted they would stop drinking and just have friends over to their house, neither saw what problems could arise from this)(also im not happy that ds sometimes has a drink with his friends at the weekend but technically hes an adult now and he doesnt do it in my house), or buy clothes etc. I cant really speak for my dbro but this is not how i want my ds to start his life. But now he thinks im just putting him down, and how great it would be to get their own flat. Tell me im not a party pooper, im being fucking realistic.

And the kicker is, if it all goes pear shape (which clearly it fucking will) they can just move back in like nothings happened.

Yup realistic. 16 is awfully young still.

Have DM be their guarantor.

YANBU

But how is a 16yr old technically an adult?

At 16 your youngest would technically need parental permission to leave home, though in reality it would be hard to stop him. Probably your best bet is to sit down with them and go through a realistic budget, point out they won't have any money left to have any fun at all. (And what about deposits etc?) And then tell them it's up to them, they can choose and you will give moral support but they will need to fund themselves totally with no handouts from you. My guess is once they see how much they will need to pay for what they get for nearly free now they won't be so quick to jump.

I moved out at 17 and was fine. Your 20yr dbro is more than old enough to look after himself. Why is he living with you?!

Also am amazed that anyone sane would be keen to rent to tenants in those circumstances!

I moved out at 16, had no real choice. I was skint and miserable for years. Got into debt. Didn't start really living, doing the things you mention, until my mid twenties.

YANBU and YY to your DM being guarantor if she believes this is the best thing for them.

Any idea why your DM is pushing this?

Could you suggest that they both save up to get a deposit together with a view to getting a flat together in 6/12 months time, putting aside the equivalent of a month's rent each time they get paid? Hopefully the reality of what they would have to live on would hit home, but if they are still really keen to do it they would at least have some money to put down themselves rather than looking to you for the cash

Why is B with you? How about a trial run? They remain living with you but pay the finances as if they were in own flat including council tax and rates. The money then can go into a savings account so if they can hack it great, they've proved that they can. It would mean own shopping and own cooking/laundry etc of course!

I moved out at 16, had no real choice. I was skint and miserable for years. Got into debt. Didn't start really living, doing the things you mention, until my mid twenties. This 100% as this is how i started my adult life too. I dont want that for my ds. or my dbro neither. Not sure why she is pushing this. She thinks at 20 my dbro should have his own flat. But its not like when i was younger and could get a council flat. And i dont want to see either of them start out struggling and end up in debt when they dont need to. Dbro is with me as we had a spare room, have a nicer house and i think he thought it was slightly better to say he stayed with his sister rather than his dm. I dont mind them staying here. They both pay some board money (that nowhere near covers what they use) and usually i have to give them some money as they run out before their pay day each week. I dont mind this as they are only young and tend to pay me back. Even if they wait a couple of years when their wages will be a bit more id be happier.

At 16 your an adult in Scotland.

Saying that though if your happy for them to still stay for a couple more years then why not.

I didn't have a safe home life so had to leave at 17. After being homeless I was housed.
I was perfectly able to look after myself and the house etc but it was miserable I could eat but not heat the house, I couldn't go to university because I had bills to pay and it took me years to get to the same level as the other people in my year at school because I had no support system and was completely alone.

In one way it was great because I'm so capable in life now but it was miserable at the time

Actually Clarissa thats a great idea, will perhaps suggest that. thanks x

Ginkypig, are you me? it possibly is doable, but no without being miserable, missing out on all teenage stuff and quite probably running up a heap of debt. On top of that i couldnt safely say id trust ds 100% to get out of bed every morning to go to college/work. I had to do it but it wasnt through choice and its not what id want for ds or dbro, Now of course i just look like the bad one putting the brakes on what they think is a great idea.

Your welcome! But you will need to be 'harsh' DD for the money so they can't pull sad face 'give it to you later' and again with the meals, unless you already expect that they may find their way back to your table most nights!

How about suggesting they leave it a year (or two realistically, as your ds is only 16) and start saving in the meantime for a contingency fund so they have some financial back up for unexpected bills etc. If they save hard (by giving up fags or whatever) you'll know they are serious about making a go of it. I wouldn't by happy with my 16 year old going it alone at that age, that's for sure and don't blame you for being annoyed with your mother for pushing it.

Tell your dm to butt out.

Tell your son you will not sub or support him to move out. He needs to be 138. And could use the lower costs at home to save money now,

Only DBro will be able to sign a tenancy, I very much doubt anywhere would take DS on at 16. So DBro would be 100% responsible for all rent and bills whether DS pays him or not, and whether DS comes back home or not. Point that out to him and see whether he is still so keen.....

italian

I am all for wanting kids to be emotionally mature enough to move out but Ithink insisting he waits until he is 138 is perhaps a bit PFB.......

Sorry, keys sticking!

At 16 they're not adults, and it's too young.....they'll end up in serious debt, which you'll probably have to pay!