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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AAAAAAGGGHHHH STUPID BLOODY DM

61 replies

MissSynful · 30/11/2016 22:47

please give me some perspective as i feel im away to lose it with dm. I have a ds (16) - typical 16 year old, not particularly mature, has started apprenticeship, gets £160 a week. Dbro (20) is in the same position, just started apprenticeship, gets same amount of money. Both stay with me in my house. Dm has just suggested/really pushing the idea that they should get a flat together (she knows someone who will rent private to them). I have said (more to my ds than my dbro but applies equally imo) that they are neither emotionally/physically and definitely not financially ready to have their own flat. Ds is fucking 16 fgs. Dm is questioning why i would 'dash their hopes' and why i am putting them down. She is away to write down all their outgoings and perhaps on paper they could just about pay the bare minimum of bills, but there would be no money left over for typical things that 16/20 year olds like to do like smoke(mentioned this to dbro who insisted he'd give up!) drink (both insisted they would stop drinking and just have friends over to their house, neither saw what problems could arise from this)(also im not happy that ds sometimes has a drink with his friends at the weekend but technically hes an adult now and he doesnt do it in my house), or buy clothes etc. I cant really speak for my dbro but this is not how i want my ds to start his life. But now he thinks im just putting him down, and how great it would be to get their own flat. Tell me im not a party pooper, im being fucking realistic.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissSynful · 30/11/2016 23:47

ds (16) is my pfb but 138 is a bit too long for me to wait Grin. im looking forward to having house at some point in the future to myself.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 30/11/2016 23:49

Miss is your mum the one who was pushing your DBro to move into a flat of his own, offering to sub him and the changed her mind? IIRC she was looking at expensive properties that would have him in the poor house in the first month?

Original poster
MissSynful · 30/11/2016 23:50

I live in Scotland so 16 and not at school is kinda classed as an adult. Realistically, I couldnt stop him nor would police care if he did move out. But hopefully common sense will prevail. I dont know if my dm sees me now, settled and doing relatively well and thinks its worked out fine for me. But things are so different from when i was young. And it was such a struggle that i dont want ds to have to needlessly go through.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissSynful · 30/11/2016 23:53

no, not my dm bogeyface. My dm is really poor and couldnt afford to be guarantor of anything, which makes this whole thing even more of a farce! I love my mum, but sometimes i really wonder what goes on in her mind. Im sure she thinks she is doing it for the right reasons but her reality is so different from mines everyone elses.

OP posts:
MaudlinNamechange · 30/11/2016 23:54

Can I just blunder in here like an irrelevant old fool and say: MissSynful, I really admire you for doing what you did (be on your own at 16 and make yourself a decent start in life with no help); AND be generous and solvent enough later to want to provide better not only for your son, but your brother? I was a total dickhead between the ages of about 16 and 37 and haven't anything like a fraction of your character.

Sorry. back to what you were talking about.

Original poster
MissSynful · 01/12/2016 00:02

aww thanks Maudlin. Dp came along in my twenties and provided a huge stability in my life. Not sure where id be without him!

Im sure you couldnt have been that much of a dickhead, especially at 16. Or no worse that we all were Grin!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 01/12/2016 00:07

I was just thinking that! Show me someone who wasnt a dickhead at 16!

Graphista · 01/12/2016 00:21

We're all dickheads at 16 Grin just some don't outgrow it!

I left home at 18, very unhappy home life. It was miserable. Dinner was often one slice of toast and 1/3 tin of baked beans. (Still better than staying where I was).

Sounds like they already should KNOW they couldn't manage if

A they're not even paying enough board to cover their costs

B they're needing subbed

Do the trial run BUT be strict! No subbing no getting let off 'rent' (a private landlord wouldn't let them off!)

Not only no money for fun, no money for emergencies. In the calculations your mums done has she allowed at all for

Clothes
Shoes
Haircuts
Needing to replace household items
Birthdays and Christmas presents?

Has she considered if they don't get jobs at end of apprenticeships?

Do they currently benefit from the following at yours:

Internet
Pay tv

Do they do housework? Can they cook? Plan? Budget?

The 20yr old should and 16 yr old should be at least learning.

Original poster
MissSynful · 01/12/2016 00:28

Dbro has just came in to say that he doesnt want to move. Apparently he quite likes it here Grin. ds not so convinced. And they are pretty useless at housework/cooking/budgetting despite my many attempts at getting them involved. Dm assumes they would just go without like we did. I guess thats just normal for her.

I think they do know deep down its not really feasible but from a 16 year old pov, I guess it would be rather exciting and cool to have your own flat, whilst obviously not not thinking through the realities of it!

OP posts:
OnTheTurningAway · 01/12/2016 00:39

Erm.. is it just me who thinks 16 and 20 are actually quite different ages?
I mean, 18 is technically adult... DB should be sorting himself out, not needing subbed, or if he is (eg. cheap board due to v low income/study) then he should be doing his share of housework, laundry, cooking etc. Whereas DS is still at the age - especially as still studying - where he should be learning those things but still sort of looked after by parent(s) a bit.
Even if you count 16 as becoming "adult" it's still quite a gap to 20 - 4 years is a lot of learning life skills time at that age.

Bogeyface · 01/12/2016 00:40

DS is probably viewing your DBro as an extension of you, he would pull up the slack and look after him and sub him, except that of course he wont.

Graphista · 01/12/2016 00:40

Haha reality bites! Grin

Joking aside good opportunity to get them to realise when they DO get their own place they need to know how to run it (and cook unless they wanna starve!)

Original poster
MissSynful · 01/12/2016 00:54

nah, ds and dbro are more like brothers to each other. maybe ds is slightly maturish (street wise not actual living in a house by himself wise) and dbro is deffo not the maturest 20 year old (being the baby of the family he was mollycoddled by everyone especially me) so they arent far off each other. plus they hung out together whilst growing up so more like bff/siblings. im probably more of a mother figure to dbro than sister but dont look it so i dont mind Grin I am possibly a soft touch on both of them too Blush. Sometimes having to be the grown up one is sucky.

OP posts:
Graphista · 01/12/2016 01:00

'It's for their own good'

Honestly you're not doing them any favours if you don't expect them to do their bit and learn what's needed to run a home.

Do you have a partner/husband?

MycatsaPirate · 01/12/2016 01:16

Firstly they won't get housing benefit as they are under 25. And actually have a home already.

So they need to budget for:

Rent
council tax
electric/gas
phone/broadband
mobiles
tv license
food
travel
clothes

Sit down with them. Work out what it would cost annually and then divide it by 52 and then divide by two again. Tell them that's their costs and if they want to do it then they will need to find six months rent up front. Also as someone pointed out your son cannot go on a rent agreement so it would be down to your brother to be responsible for everything.

I know you have said he's changed his mind but I think they both need to understand the reality of day to day living costs.

Pallisers · 01/12/2016 01:21

Kind of wondering what is your mother smoking that she would think it is a great idea for a 16 year old earning nothing much to move out of home? Can she explain her thinking or is this something you'd expect from her.

Original poster
MissSynful · 01/12/2016 01:26

Cant explain her thinking, hence the op! Im surprised shes even suggested it considering she knows the struggle of being poor and not being able to afford stuff so i dont understand why she'd want that for her son/grandson.

OP posts:
Ahickiefromkinickie · 01/12/2016 06:44

How was life at your mum's OP?

I'm wondering (perhaps unfairly) whether your DM resents your DB living with you? It seems strange for a woman to want her son and grandson to live alone at that age.

Izzy24 · 01/12/2016 06:55

^^

This.

And where would the deposit have come from?

Angelitron · 01/12/2016 07:31

Just run through the costs and a do a trial run for a month or two. Be strict and charge them everything that they will have to pay privately.
They will realise how poor they would be, and will beg to stay.

cheekybean · 01/12/2016 07:35

My parents let my brother do this when he was 16. He came back a year later with massive debts, smoking weird shit, an unwanted pregnancy and depression. He couldnt hold down his amazing jobs for various idiotic reasons although i suspect he couldnt be arsed to get out of bed.

His diet was crap too, at 16 fast food is just way too hard to resist. Im 39 and i still cant say no to a macdonalds strawberry milkshake!

Its not just the money though is it. Lets face it, running a home is tome consuming. Housework is not just a hoover through and how long before this causes massive arguments because of chores not being shared etc etc

I didnt move out till i was 24 and couldnt possibly have considered leaving home at 16. I was too shy, not worldly wise and would have been incredibly lonely.

cheekybean · 01/12/2016 07:38

Do they contribute to the household now? I should let them start with that for a few months!

diddl · 01/12/2016 08:17

If you moved out because your mum forced you or she wasn't a good parent, I wouldn't be taking much notice of what she says!

Big apologies if that isn't the case at all.

I can't really she that it's her business tbh.

Your brother is not living with her-why does that matter if that's with you or in his own place?

Anniegetyourgun · 01/12/2016 08:34

Perhaps she hasn't realised that £160 a week is really not very much these days. It sounds like a fortune if you don't take into account how much prices, most particularly accommodation, have risen since the 1800s she was in their position, if indeed she ever was. Also a fortune to youngsters who were used to, say, a tenner a week pocket money. But in the real world it doesn't go very far at all. Good thing your DB has had a rethink.

joystir59 · 01/12/2016 08:53

I say let them get on with it. They could move back in if it all goes pear shaped. They will have to save for deposit and month's rent in advance anyway, provide bank and other references (your brother will). I don't believe in cosseting young people too much- this could be a really valuable experience in independence for them. They might even make a go of it. I was older (18) when I left home, I was lonely, hated my job, didn't have a lot of money, but survived and eventually flourished. I loved being out in the world on my own even though very lonely. But for me anything was better than home with a father that scared me.