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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to take me to court so he gets income support instead of me

65 replies

user1478260362 · 30/11/2016 11:00

I left my ex partner as he was lazy, unmotivated, always going from job to job, living off his parents and unsupportive both financially and emotionally. I don't think he's a bad guy. He wasn't controlling or abusive in any way and would never have cheated but he was very much a Mummy's boy who had no desire to make his own way in life.

He has always asked if he can be sole carer of our Son so he can get benefits for 5 years without working.

Until recently I was a trainee Social Worker so got a Bursary so only got a top up of income from benefits. I've now qualified and I'm looking for work and currently get income support, housing benefit, child tax credit and child benefit.

My ex pays NOTHING. Not a penny but his Parents have been very good and always buy the essentials for my Son.

My ex has our Son three days a week. Some days to be fair he does have him 4 but I'm the main carer of our Son and the one responsible for him. This couldn't have been more clear when I was a student and was the one responsible for paying for his Childcare. My ex was briefly in employment during that time and did not have to worry about childcare or paying for it as he was not responsible for our Son in the same way.

I'm the one who will have to take him to school when he goes in two years, I have to make his Doctors appointments, live in a place where my Son can have a permanent bedroom. He may have him three days a week but he can look after him for those three days and give him back. He also can cancel when he needs to. I'm my Son's main carer and the responsibility rests with me. He wouldn't last a minute being our Son's full-time carer.

He wants to take me to court as he is claiming he has our Son 'all the time' and I'm guessing he's planning to lie to the courts. He is currently on job seekers and has tried to put a claim in for income support for our Son saying he has him 4 or 5 days a week. His claim was rejected as I was already claiming. It wont work as my Son is at the Childminder four days a week and she sees me hand him over and take him back so I'm clearly there for those four days.

I feel embarrassed for him being that kind of man. I'm sure he's secretly disappointed in how his life turned out despite all his privileges.

And I reasonable to think he's disgusting for even trying this? I am not worried, he has not a leg to stand on. He pays no maintenance and wants to take the little money I from me. I think it's embarrassing. AIBU?

OP posts:
JenLindleyShitMom · 30/11/2016 13:29

Their parents are clever people though, they only give them the bare minimum to survive with no luxuries as they don't want them not working. They pay their rent and give them £60 a week and that's it

Eh?? That's not clever, that's enabling! They're mugs! These are adults. Why on earth are their parents paying their rent and subbing them £60 a week?

Babyroobs · 30/11/2016 13:30

Also if your ex is on JSA you should be able to get £5 a week off him in maintainence although if he has your child almost half the week it wouldn't seem right to take that. Presumably he has to feed your son and keep him warm etc whilst he is with him yet all he has is the pittance that is JSA.

expatinscotland · 30/11/2016 13:30
Hmm
Rattusn · 30/11/2016 13:34

baby as he has the child 50% of the time, I don't see why he should pay any child support. Op seems to want it all (have child very little, claim all the benefits, and child support)

BadKnee · 30/11/2016 13:35

But if he wants to be the main carer and if does care for DS 4 days a week then he has a right to ask for that.

If the court decides DS will be better off with him or that he should be the main carer then he can claim benefits. At the moment he cares for the child 3-4 days a week and yet all the state benefits go to you.

And yes he would go nearer the top of the list for a council house.

Surely that would be better for your son.

user1477282676 · 30/11/2016 13:38

If he regularly has him for 4 nights, then he IS the main carer!

user1477282676 · 30/11/2016 13:40

Even if the child minder does see you hand him over on 4 days and pick him up on 4 days, that proves nothing OP.

You could be picking him up from your ex. Which you must be on some occasions if your ex has him 4 days on a regular basis.

TheNaze73 · 30/11/2016 13:46

So neither of you have a job, yet stick the child to a CM 4 days a week? How does that work??

PurpleMinionMummy · 30/11/2016 13:53

It works the same way kids go to nursery for their free 15 hours a week. Which no one questions sahm's about Hmm

NNChangeAgain · 30/11/2016 14:03

OP

I suggest you keep a record of every time your DS's Dad cancels time he has agreed to be responsible for your DS, and each time he is late, or brings him back to you early.
Record every time he has forgotten responsibilities and each time he relies on you to meet your DS's needs when in his care.

Because based on what you have written here, you have no evidence that your ex is incapable of being primary carer. You are just stating what you think will happen.
If you go to court, they won't care what you think. They will want evidence to make an informed decision.

Saracen · 30/11/2016 14:08

If you are going to be working and your son's dad isn't, wouldn't it be better for everybody if he is the main carer? Then your son gets to be looked after by a close relative all the time rather than going into childcare, you don't have to pay a CM or juggle school runs etc, and your ex gets more of a purpose in life. What if he has him M-F and you have him weekends, for instance?

You say you don't think he could stick it and that he'd soon be handing your son back. But how do you know that if he hasn't had a chance? Is there some reason why he is a particularly crap parent who shouldn't look after his son most days?

I think you should take his idea at face value and consider whether it might work, rather than worrying about any ulterior scrounging motives you think he has.

SmallTownTwirl · 30/11/2016 14:12

Think of every accusation he could possibly make and make sure you have the proof that you have bought the items, paid the childcare.

My x came to court with a spreadsheet of every tiny little thing he'd every bought the kids. I had nothing. But my kids are like an extension of me and I don't feel like money I spent on them is an 'expense' i the same way.
He had logged transport costs coming to see the dc. I had paid every dentist trip, ballet class, drama class, grocieries, bills, creche, everything everything everything for five years and I hadn't a receipt to hold up to his spread sheet.

19lottie82 · 30/11/2016 14:18

If he regularly has him for 4 nights, then he IS the main carer!

Not necessarily....... regularly doesn't necessarily mean "more than half"

And the OP says that her ex doesn't buy anything for their son, and she's the one who makes Doctors appointments ect.......The latter is a duty of the "main carer"/

Oswin · 30/11/2016 14:20

Op has already said the DC only goes for the 15 hours now.

How the fuck can anyone say just because he has him three days he is a main carer?
He provides this child with nothing.
He is a chancer and is using his child for money.

19lottie82 · 30/11/2016 14:20

OP, if you need evidence that you're your sons main carer, make sure you keep receipts of everything you buy for him, and also if you ask, your sons school and doctors surgery should provide letters confirming that he resides at your address.

19lottie82 · 30/11/2016 14:21

But I agree, this is most likely an empty threat..... just ignore him until the off chance occurs where there are any further developments.

19lottie82 · 30/11/2016 14:23

Saracen.....the OP has stated that her ex doesn't pay for anything for the DC. Why do you think that would change if he was to get the child benefit etc?

That money is for the DC, not him, and if there is even a tiny risk he would spend it on himself then of course, it should remain with the OP.

Mooey89 · 30/11/2016 14:27

When you do your social work training, you have to do a placement in the last two years which is basically 6 months of working full time.
I think OP is saying her son was FT childcare whilst she was training.
Now she's looking for work he does his 15 hours, spread over 4 days.

This is what all children aged 3+ do!
OP, how many nights per week does he go to dads?

Original poster
user1478260362 · 30/11/2016 14:45

Thanks Mooey89. That's correct.

He has him Thursday from 4pm until Sunday midday on average. But he does sometimes cancel.

Some days he has him less.

I've had him for an entire month in November as he got a temporary job. When he's working he doesn't like to have him as he's 'tired' after work and wants the weekends free. He likes to have him alternate weekends when he's working.

But he's been in and out of work his entire life.

I definitely have him more. While some weeks he may have him 4 days a week, when I visit my parents I got for two or three weeks at a time and he doesn't visit once during that time. So overall there's no doubt I have him more.

Before becoming a Social Worker I was an advisor at the Jobcentre. So I know my stuff when it comes to what he could realistically do in court. I know the situation and he has no chance.

I half understand but he is being a bit of a jerk on this one.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1478260362 · 30/11/2016 14:47

During my Social Work course I spent 12 months on placement as well as hours in lectures. That's what the childcare was for.

OP posts:
Mooey89 · 30/11/2016 14:52

By the way congrats on passing your degree, welcome to hell a very rewarding job.

What sector are you hoping to go into? (Sorry for the derail)

Stormtreader · 30/11/2016 15:04

I think they count the nights the child sleeps at the address when they are looking at who is the main carer, dont they?
So Thursday 4pm - Sunday midday would be 3 nights while you do 4 nights.

Original poster
user1478260362 · 30/11/2016 15:13

I am going into Adults with Learning Disabilities Mooey. I was very lucky and had a statutory final year placement in a very well regarded council. :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
user1478260362 · 30/11/2016 15:13

Yes I'm definitely the main carer. :-)

OP posts:
Bloopbleep · 30/11/2016 15:20

His parents top up his jsa by £60 a week and pay his rent? I'm assuming the dwp are unaware of this. And he wants more? Nice chap.

OP congrats on your degree, if he got IS for being your son's ft carer would he actually be doing the caring or would the situation remain the same?

He needs to grow up. Don't enable him further.