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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to take me to court so he gets income support instead of me

65 replies

user1478260362 · 30/11/2016 11:00

I left my ex partner as he was lazy, unmotivated, always going from job to job, living off his parents and unsupportive both financially and emotionally. I don't think he's a bad guy. He wasn't controlling or abusive in any way and would never have cheated but he was very much a Mummy's boy who had no desire to make his own way in life.

He has always asked if he can be sole carer of our Son so he can get benefits for 5 years without working.

Until recently I was a trainee Social Worker so got a Bursary so only got a top up of income from benefits. I've now qualified and I'm looking for work and currently get income support, housing benefit, child tax credit and child benefit.

My ex pays NOTHING. Not a penny but his Parents have been very good and always buy the essentials for my Son.

My ex has our Son three days a week. Some days to be fair he does have him 4 but I'm the main carer of our Son and the one responsible for him. This couldn't have been more clear when I was a student and was the one responsible for paying for his Childcare. My ex was briefly in employment during that time and did not have to worry about childcare or paying for it as he was not responsible for our Son in the same way.

I'm the one who will have to take him to school when he goes in two years, I have to make his Doctors appointments, live in a place where my Son can have a permanent bedroom. He may have him three days a week but he can look after him for those three days and give him back. He also can cancel when he needs to. I'm my Son's main carer and the responsibility rests with me. He wouldn't last a minute being our Son's full-time carer.

He wants to take me to court as he is claiming he has our Son 'all the time' and I'm guessing he's planning to lie to the courts. He is currently on job seekers and has tried to put a claim in for income support for our Son saying he has him 4 or 5 days a week. His claim was rejected as I was already claiming. It wont work as my Son is at the Childminder four days a week and she sees me hand him over and take him back so I'm clearly there for those four days.

I feel embarrassed for him being that kind of man. I'm sure he's secretly disappointed in how his life turned out despite all his privileges.

And I reasonable to think he's disgusting for even trying this? I am not worried, he has not a leg to stand on. He pays no maintenance and wants to take the little money I from me. I think it's embarrassing. AIBU?

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 30/11/2016 11:07

YANBU, however I'd make sure I have all receipts to the child-minder on file and a copy of the contract sowing your DS goes to her from whatever date and for whatever number of days.

Also I think the number of nights your ex as your son is pertinent to claims as well, it is for CMS payments.

Keep a record of everything.

And no he is not a nice man at all, you seem to have very low expectations of basic human decency, this man is trying to take food out of his own child's mouth and contributing no financial assistance in the upbringing of his baby. He is a disgusting specimen frankly. Not a nice bloke.

gamerchick · 30/11/2016 11:07

It's who gets the child benefit I think so he doesn't really have much chance even if he could afford to take you to court, which it doesn't sound as if he can.

My ex tried something similar but he also wanted a house out of it. He settled down eventually when he found a single mother to sponge off.

Rattusn · 30/11/2016 12:05

I'm not sure how you afford full time childcare when you're not working.

From the sounds of it, your ex does have your dd for about 50% of the time, so he isn't entirely unreasonable here. Surely you will also be working soon, and therefore not claiming benefits anymore, so therefore it wouldn't be a great hardship to allow him to claim?

Manumission · 30/11/2016 12:07

Yes it's the CHB that's key.

Manumission · 30/11/2016 12:08

Is the childminders a PT/voucher-funded place?

KayTee87 · 30/11/2016 12:12

You say he has your dc 3 or sometimes 4 days. Does this include overnights?

gamerchick · 30/11/2016 12:22

Never turn over your CB to your ex so he can claim. That's just all sorts of silly.

PoldarksBreeches · 30/11/2016 12:24

How is he going to afford the lawyer he will need for this application?

JenLindleyShitMom · 30/11/2016 12:31

It's interesting that he isn't working yet sees fit to allow you to pay for a childminder. How would the courts view that I wonder?

c3pu · 30/11/2016 12:32

How is he going to afford the lawyer he will need for this application?

Representing yourself as a litigant in person is increasingly common now that legal aid for family court has been curtailed.

I did it, it really isn't difficult.

PersianCatLady · 30/11/2016 12:36

Never turn over your CB to your ex so he can claim. That's just all sorts of silly
Absolutely because how would you manage without any CB, access to CTC or extra HB for the child??

2kids2dogsnosense · 30/11/2016 12:36

Good point JenLindley

He sounds a right lazy @rse.

MrsArthurShappey · 30/11/2016 12:45

I'm confused. Your DS goes to a childminder 4 days a week and your ex 3/4 days a week?

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/11/2016 12:48

If neither of you is working, why is your DC at a childminder 4 days a week? Is it because you're using the time to job hunt?

EnormousTiger · 30/11/2016 12:48

He does not sound up to much. Why does the child go to the childminder if the father does not work - surely he could look after the child then?

Rattusn · 30/11/2016 12:53

In this situation enormous neither parent teacher is working, yet the child is still in full time childcare. It doesn't make sense.

Thefishewife · 30/11/2016 12:56

He will use this most likey to gain a coucil hike and it could see you loose custody to you need to be very careful

TheFairyCaravan · 30/11/2016 12:59

It's interesting that he isn't working yet sees fit to allow you to pay for a childminder. How would the courts view that I wonder?

OP's not working either.

lougle · 30/11/2016 13:00

Is he intending to claim to be the main carer, or does he want to be the main carer?

JenLindleyShitMom · 30/11/2016 13:01

I have assumed the childminder was for when OP was doing her social work training. I may well be wrong. Perhaps she has to pay to keep the child's place for when she does find work.

Still, other parent not working and no offer to do the childcare? Yet wants to be recognised as having full care of his child? Doesn't add up.

GraceNotes · 30/11/2016 13:13

It's probably an empty threat. However, try to ensure his days with your child remains at three a week, and do not let it climb higher. If you need care on a fourth day, make other arrangements. When he makes comments like that, don't show you are bothered and just slightly laugh it off - "that would never happen".

My sister's ex husband threatened to do this as well, although I think it was more out of spite because he resented giving her money and didn't like that she was doing well without him.

Original poster
user1478260362 · 30/11/2016 13:15

I think it's definitely also for a house. I do feel for guys as women almost always get main custody. But in this case I do think I'm the more suitable parent to be the main carer. I'm not worried at all. Just checking I'm not unreasonable to think he's an awful person for doing this.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1478260362 · 30/11/2016 13:18

Currently my Son is with a childminder but it's the 15 hours free. For over a year my Son was with a childminder full time. Some was paid for by my student bursary (social work course so nhs bursary funded). I still had to pay a considerable amount myself. It left me very very poor. It was awful.

Luckily I no longer have to pay for the childminder but as soon as I gain employment I will do.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1478260362 · 30/11/2016 13:23

He says he wants to be the main carer and gets the benefits of it plus a council house. He basically doesn't want to work and live off the government as long as possible and to have any income once his Son is 5 topped up.

What he doesn't truly realise is how demanding looking after a child as the main carer is. He would soon give him back anyway!!

It's sad really. He comes from millionaire parents, went to a posh boarding school and had every conceivable privilege. Him and his Sister were spoilt rotten and now live lives where they hop from one job to the other and sponge off their parents.

Their parents are clever people though, they only give them the bare minimum to survive with no luxuries as they don't want them not working. They pay their rent and give them £60 a week and that's it. I think my ex's way of looking at it is one day he will be rich so no need to work. Just wait until his 69 year old parents are gone and he's rolling in it. His Sister thinks the same.

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 30/11/2016 13:27

As others have asked , why on earth is your child with a childminder 4 days a week when neither of you work?

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