Worried about effects of new man on DC

[lostgirl66]

Bit of background so as not to drip feed, regular mner who's changed un

Please read I know it's an essay! But I really need some help! I'm building this worry up daily and it's starting to get too much!!

My DC is 5 and we have a really good relationship, although me and the father split up when DC was only a few weeks old he sees his father regularly and currently for the last few months because ex hours have reduced at work we are basically parenting 50/50. I could say a lot of things about exes character and morals regarding relationships, but he was and is a v good father and although i hate being away from DC and wish I could be with him constantly I'm sure he does too so even though I hate it it's fair.

So that's the first sort of niggle I have in my brain telling me I'm not a good mum because I'm not with him more and I miss him and I know he misses me.

But the main thing is I have recently reconnected and moved an old frame in, we have known each other years and he definitely is the love of my life

He gets on with my DC well although he is a slight man child and I know deep down he would prefer it if I was directing all my attention to him 24/7. My DC gets on with him although they are either playing and running around together or not communicating at all, new partner has commented on DC being 'naughty' before. He isn't he's a typical kid who pushes things and test boundaries and when I've questioned partner about this he has said he thinks that of all kids really and he doesn't mean bad by saying it just that all kids push boundaries etc. Fair enough, I put this down to him having no experience with kids himself.

After that essay my worry and the point of the thread is, I worry that now as well as only seeing child 50/50 I have also introduced this new person into our lives who has impacted yet again on DC and will he feel pushed out or replaced etc and he's just started schools so our time together has taken many knocks recently!

When DC is their he has my attention until he's in bed, partner potters about doing his thing and plays sometimes, does his work others etc. But little things have changed, for example now and again DC would wake in night and get in my bed, he can't do that now as theirs no room.

What If he feels weird about someone else being in the house, This new person and he doesn't understand? I ask him and he says he likes new partner but I know he's not really bothered by him, like if he disappeared tomorrow DC wouldn't be too bothered

Sorry for the essay I'd really love other people's experiences on this, I'm so worried this will have a negative effect on DC I feel like giving up and just being single forever so it's just me and him!!

badg3r he visits friends sometimes on a weekend so when this happens I make sure to treat DC and say how exciting just a DC and mummy day today we can stay up late and watch films and snuggle just us 2 etc so we do get to do that

Honestly I think it's just everything, school, father seeing him more, me working full time, it's just hard to juggle it all and still feel like a proper part of DC life!

I can't see access changing too much as ex has reduced hours at work for the foreseeable and I have had to increase mine

If you've got a 50/50 arrangement, why can't you see your boyfriend when your son's with his dad? I wouldn't move someone in with me who thought my child was "naughty" and who was jealous of the attention I gave my child.

Your second post massively contradicts your first.
If you have to stop your son coming into your bed for a cuddle etc because this new guy doesn't like it ( or you THINK he might not like it) then you have an issue.

Cunara ghost maybe I am back tracking I don't know! That's the thing I feel like I've lost LOL perspective! I don't know if it's all normal settling in or if there is an issue!

Obviously if child was upset or ill I would be with them in bed and kick partner out, I meant normal night time 'can I come in your bed' when gets up for a wee, I say 'you can come in in the morning like usual' and he goes back to bed

It's not he doesn't like it it's just there's no room!! DC has come in a few times and no one can move or get comfy! It's not cos partner doesn't like it!

Agent I work all the days DC is at he fathers, so my days off are the days he's with me x

"I know deep down he would prefer it if I was directing all my attention to him 24/7."
Personally, I find that a very unattractive trait in a person. I expect an adult to be fully-rounded; with interests and commitments outside of me, me, me. And I expect them to have those expectations of me too. Because I am a rounded person, not an adoring acolyte who worships at the feet of my partner and who cannot imagine a world without this god by my side. OK, a bit OTT but you get my drift. Expecting you to give all your attention to him is the sign of a selfish and self-absorbed individual.

He knows you have a child. He CANNOT expect you to make him the centre of your world, the best he can hope for is almost-equal footing - and even then, surely he should expect your son to come first with you until your son is adult? Anything else is just a teensy bit out of touch with reality and what it is to be a loving parent. Maybe, because he is not a parent, that hasn't occurred to him. In which case, you will have to spell it out to him. 'He is my son, he will always come first in my attention. To do otherwise would affect my son's sense of security and self-esteem, and I will never do that to him. If you can't deal with that then you need to consider if this is the relationship for you.'

I think you need to monitor the love of your life to ensure his behaviour does not fuck up your son. You wouldn't have started this thread if that thought had not occurred to you. He needs to learn the correct language at the very least. Your son is not naughty (so easy to manufacture a self-fulfilling prophesy!) his behaviour was naughty during an isolated incident.

And, it's all very well being willing to teach the love of your life how to be around children - is he willing to learn? And does he accept that if it comes to a straight choice between him and your son, your son will be chosen?

Your son's home should be his sanctuary. It should be his safe place where he feels wanted and loved by everyone in the household. He already has an added complication in his life with having to live 50/50 between you and his dad. That can work well for some children, others feel like they are living out of a suit case.

By what you've written it sounds like your partner tolerates your son and your son the same back. That doesn't make for a comfortable home environment in the long term.

You have a perfect solution, when your son is at his fathers for 50% of the time you can see your new BF, when your son is with you then you concentrate on him.

You SEEM to have managed the situation ok but your guts telling you something isn't quite right - and as an old duffer I say trust your gut.

You say you've known him 15 years but is that actually 15 years or you knew him 15 years ago? Because you said 'reconnected' and people do change. Plus there's the rose coloured tint of nostalgia.

The bed situation - get a bigger bed?

Did your boyfriend go from 'mummy's friend' to moving in? A graduated 'move in' would be best.

Also your son is only 5 and I would imagine fairly easy going and undemanding, how is your partner likely to cope with a strapping, argumentative, moody teen? If your partner and your son were both sick, would your partner cope with coming 2nd?

Where you left it when discussing partner moving in I said 'DC doesn't need you to be a dad, he has one, but he needs you to understand I'm him mum first and your partner second, he needs you to love him and let me do all the discipline etc'

partner agreed, part of me thinks partner doesn't know what to do because it's all new to him which is why they are either playing together which partner initiates a lot of the time or nothing, because play can be their common ground but neither of them know what to do other than that if that makes sense?

So that's the internal discussion I've got 'they're just getting used to the new arrangement, no they don't like each other, yes they do look at them playing and laughing blah blah blah!'

A lot of people have said about son coming first, he absolutely does, I would move partner out tomorrow if I truly believed it was detrimental to child, and I believe partner knows that too, I don't believe that to be the case as it stands, I just have a couple of niggles which are either nothing and a symptom of my tired mind missing my child or the start of difficulties!

The dogs vigina I work the days DC is at exes so that's not possible.

Me and DC spend all our time together after school and before bed, and partner lets us get on with it and interacts here and there but has said he doesn't want to encroach too much because it's our time, then when DC is in bed I spend time with DP

So my time is spent with DC but obviously it's not exactly the same because there's someone else there

It just feels like a mine field! I want to be happy and I love partner and want to be with someone and these things happen constantly all over the world single parents get with other people and families merge etc

Honestly lostgirl66, I think you should consider moving him out. Not ending the relationship, just setting it down a notch. You've listed things going on in your son's life (school, 50:50 parenting) that are reducing his time with you. You are right, it is possible that he could feel that he is being 'replaced' by your new partner.

You could see your partner when your son is at his dad's, he could stay over, but be at his own place doing his own thing when your son is with you. I think it would be worth it to hold off moving him back in until your son's life has stabilised again, when he's more used to the 50:50 and school. If you're the love of his life, he should put your needs before his.

Graph he was introduced to my son as a friend but as things went on son obviously saw us holding hands etc

The thing is although I may have come across as a bit of a flake or what ever when you ask how partner would cope with teenager or if they were both ill I know the answer is 'I don't care how he would cope my DC would be fully looked after and partner would be fending for himself and I believe partner fully gets this and would deal with it.

The thing is I do think I've done things right, I've known and being in contact with him although sometimes sporadically for 15 years but he's not been my best friend for that long or anything, so more someone I speak to every few weeks until we reconnected properly

I have introduced them, I have laid down the situation to Partner, he knows DC is priority, I asked DC about partner living here, etc so I do believe I have gone about things right, it's just now we've all settled in and it's not always an 'event' when DC and partner see each other (as in, we're going to the park to play football with X) I've noticed how they both seem a bit unsure almost, but partner does make an effort so I think maybe it's just settling in?

I guess I wondered if anyone had any experience of this sort of thing where it just took a bit of time for partner to find his place with DC or something

Thanks wheeyouleftit it is something I am considering, but like I said I work when DC is at partners so it isn't as easy as splitting my life between them

I think I need to have a conversation with partner about my concerns, perhaps it will bring something out of the woodwork that he's been feeling, perhaps he needs a bit of help on how to interact with a 5 year old when not playing tig or hide and seek!! I know he hasn't really had much exposure with DC before, maybe I should be making more effort, I've just sort of sat back and let partner take things at his own pace, but maybe he needs me to step in and help?

My head really is a mess of 200 different things all at once at the minute which is why I'm finding it so difficult to process it all!

I know on here people get slated for having an answer for everything, and I'm aware that seems to be what I'm doing but I genuinely want advice and help in this situation and ideally to hear from people that have been in this situation before, but I want it to be as informed as possible, so if I feel something has come across wrong I want to clarify it, otherwise the advice and comments I'm getting aren't going to be based on my actual situation, but on a situation that has been misunderstood, so that's why I'm doing it, not to try and backtrack because that wouldn't be in my interest or any help iyswim

Can you clarify what sort of hours you're working? You say you work when your son's at his dad's, as if working means you can't see your partner.

I do shift work whereyouleftit so I do 9-9, it's on a rolling rota but it basically works out at 9-9 2 days a week and every other weekend, partner does early shifts so is up early and is either in bed or ready to go to bed when I finish

I absolutely would drop partner in a second if I really thought it wasn't working, I'd die for my DC like any mother would, it's just that this is the first time we've been in this situation and I don't know if this is just normal settling it and getting used to a new dynamic for everyone or not. As much as I'd do anything for my son, I don't want to jump the gun and end it with partner because it's all a bit weird at the minute if this is normal and we'll all feel happy and comfortable in a few weeks after the initial getting used to it stage

No way would I stop my child coming to my bed in the night at that age if he wanted to. Your very young child should come first and the new random man who has invaded his home can go to the sofa.

Lunar my child is 5 and has a healthy relationship with his own bed, even if I could have him in my bed I would only do it now and again or if Poorly or scared etc, I never slept in my parents bed when I was younger and although it's nice to have a snuggle in bed with DC now and again, I do believe it is important not to encourage him to want to be in my bed all the time, I know parents who are trying desperately to get child to sleep in their own bed and wouldn't want to encourage DC to go backwards in development

Like I said earlier if poorly or upset etc partner would be out, and we get an hour together in the morning when partner goes to work for morning snuggles, and when partner goes away for the night etc

Perhaps it was a bad example I used

That completely changes what you wrote in your op. Now and again ds would get in my bed...now he can't.

You are rewriting history to fit what you want to be true.

No lunar I am clarifying something, I wrote a massive long OP and if I'd included as much detail as I've added in comments it would be 10 pages long! I am adding clarification so people can understand what I meant

I wrote OP quickly and distractedly and when people comment about something I've written and I see I have not explained it well or I have implied something other than I meant I will clarify, it's not about making things fit, it's about expanding on OP and making it clearer

All the rest is irrelevant except the fact your dp is a man child who would prefer you to give him attention rather than ds. There is a whole world of trouble waiting for you if you stay with this man. Even a slight man child is not good enough to share your ds life.

I don't think you will but I would urge you to end this situation before you have a child with dp and he moves from slight man child to the full blown version which is lurking behind the thin veneer.

I would arrange a night once per week when you have a "sleepover" with your DS....it doesn't have to be all night but the two of you could cuddle in bed with a film perhaps.

He'd feel like he still had you then.

I have a child who loves getting in bed with me in the night...she's 8 and if DH and I split and I ,met someone else, I'd probably chuck the new partner out in favour of DD to be honest!

Mrsbobdylan thanks for your reply, I thought everyone was a bit of a man child! I didn't realise it was a deal breaker! I fear I have used the wrong term and perhaps sent everyone a bit man child hatey!

I will take everyone's advice onboard and while I am not going to go home and kick partner out, I am going to speak to him, explain that he needs to make more of an effort with DC day to day, take a step back and monitor the situation like a hawk, if I don't see an effort or there is still no bond there make no mistake I will end it immediately, but I still think there's hope, and despite what may have come across, my child is happy and immediately kicking partner out will not actually allow me any more time with child, it will just mean we are alone together rather than being together with partner in the house too