Worried about effects of new man on DC

[lostgirl66]

Bit of background so as not to drip feed, regular mner who's changed un

Please read I know it's an essay! But I really need some help! I'm building this worry up daily and it's starting to get too much!!

My DC is 5 and we have a really good relationship, although me and the father split up when DC was only a few weeks old he sees his father regularly and currently for the last few months because ex hours have reduced at work we are basically parenting 50/50. I could say a lot of things about exes character and morals regarding relationships, but he was and is a v good father and although i hate being away from DC and wish I could be with him constantly I'm sure he does too so even though I hate it it's fair.

So that's the first sort of niggle I have in my brain telling me I'm not a good mum because I'm not with him more and I miss him and I know he misses me.

But the main thing is I have recently reconnected and moved an old frame in, we have known each other years and he definitely is the love of my life

He gets on with my DC well although he is a slight man child and I know deep down he would prefer it if I was directing all my attention to him 24/7. My DC gets on with him although they are either playing and running around together or not communicating at all, new partner has commented on DC being 'naughty' before. He isn't he's a typical kid who pushes things and test boundaries and when I've questioned partner about this he has said he thinks that of all kids really and he doesn't mean bad by saying it just that all kids push boundaries etc. Fair enough, I put this down to him having no experience with kids himself.

After that essay my worry and the point of the thread is, I worry that now as well as only seeing child 50/50 I have also introduced this new person into our lives who has impacted yet again on DC and will he feel pushed out or replaced etc and he's just started schools so our time together has taken many knocks recently!

When DC is their he has my attention until he's in bed, partner potters about doing his thing and plays sometimes, does his work others etc. But little things have changed, for example now and again DC would wake in night and get in my bed, he can't do that now as theirs no room.

What If he feels weird about someone else being in the house, This new person and he doesn't understand? I ask him and he says he likes new partner but I know he's not really bothered by him, like if he disappeared tomorrow DC wouldn't be too bothered

Sorry for the essay I'd really love other people's experiences on this, I'm so worried this will have a negative effect on DC I feel like giving up and just being single forever so it's just me and him!!

[lostgirl66]

Thanks user I like that idea :)

[Graphista]

My questions were more aimed at getting you to think how your partner would react to eg both of them being sick, son growing into stroppy teen etc.

The bed thing I think what pps mean is the problem isn't that there's something wrong with weaning a child off getting into bed with mum but that the timing/way it's been done could cause resentment.

Might have been better to stop him coming to your bed (unless ill or scared) before your partner moved in. Also on more than one occasion you said the problem with the bed was not enough room, so I suggested a practical remedy of a bigger bed.

If you really thought all was well, you wouldn't have posted.

Something is setting YOUR alarm bells off, even if everything else was as near perfect as possible that would, if I were a friend you were chatting to, make me think there's a reason you're feeling like that. Yes it could be 'mum guilt' but there is a reason.

[lostgirl66]

Thanks graphista I did see your comment re bigger bed and forgot to comment, it is something we have said we're going to do after Xmas,

You're right something has set me thinking but I'm in such a muddle mentally I can't separate in my head is it just all the changes that have happened and I'm feeling guilty for working, guilty for being tired when I should be savouring every second with DC, guilty for wanting a relationship etc or is it something that's just not going to work!

Obviously no one else can tell me that it's something I'm going to have to sort out in my own head, I found an article online that's made me feel a little better, from the perspective of the new partner, saying to take a step back when around DC and mum and allow the relationship to develop slowly, and not to expect them to necessarily even like you to start with etc

[lostgirl66]

.

[MommaGee]

Playgirl do you think partner thinks he can only be there as a play buddy? It's only been a month so he probably doesn't feel it's his place to do tea or help with school work etc. It sounds like they're adjusting to living together and they'd need to do that if you'd dated for a year or 10.
Perhaps ask DP how he's finding it and of there's anything he wants support or help with. Ask DS how he's finding it and if he'd change anything

[Graphista]

That's a good article.

I'm the ex wife but my daughter has a stepmum who she gets on really well with. My ex is a prize Dick! But she's lovely (setting aside that she was also ow) and she pretty much did the approach that article sets out.

My dd has no relationship with her dad now, but still has contact with her stepmum.

Step parenting must be incredibly hard to balance.

[sj257]

I think him not being able to get in your bed should he want to is a big deal. My kids are 8 and 10, if they are really not well or have had a nightmare and want to sleep in our bed, their dad swaps beds with them. At 5 that was a lot more frequent than it is now. He shouldn't feel pushed out 😞

[lostgirl66]

Momma yes my instinct tells me he's too scared of stepping on someone's toes and before moved in we had a discussion where I said he doesn't need you to be his dad, he has a dad, he needs you to get to know him and love him etc we also discussed obviously I would discipline him if needed and 'look after him' ie do his bath and put him to bed etc so I guess that leaves him feeling a bit left out himself and like you said, just a play mate or spare part and nothing in between!

I will speak to partner and see how he feels it's going and broach it from there

The article has made me feel we are more on track than I thought

[MommaGee]

Also you cohabit. Make sure he's doing his share of housework etc as that will make him feel more family less house guest

[lostgirl66]

Sj257 I agree but as I have said many times now if DC was scared or unwell partner would be kicked out instantly obviously, but if DC gets up for the loo and asks to come into my bed he is told he can in the morning when partner goes to work, like I said it's not something I ever encouraged and didn't always say yes even when partner wasn't living here, because I think it's better in the long run for them to be able to sleep in their own rooms, I guess it was just that now partner is here the choice has been taken away

[MsPavlichenko]

Well I wouldn't have wanted my DC in every night as they got older but it they needed cuddles/reassurance yes. My DP and I been together 13 years, DD now 19.

When she was wee she would come in with us. As she got older and she had a nightmare anxious or whatever if she needed to be with me my DP would leave the bed. We don't live together btw. she is now at uni but same rules apply when home.

She and DP are very close and have their own relationship. One of the reasons I am not with DC's dad is because of his selfishness, and putting himself first.

[sj257]

Sorry I only read the first page. I understand however it's a bit like putting a child in their own room once a baby has arrived, he will feel pushed out because there is no choice there now for him whereas there was before.

[EveryDayIsASchoolDay]

lostgirl maybe you are feeling a little bit guilty (new partner, chance at happiness etc) and are projecting onto your DS. I'm sure it'll take you a while to find your rhythm but you will get there. Our DS has never slept in our bed. We've actively fought against it. If he wakes scared in the night etc I will go to him.
I think your DP will be having a challenge fitting in. If he's no experience of DC it'll be a fairly big change for him. He's probably anxious too about making sure he's doing everything right.
Just take things as they come. I'm sure you will soon be rubbing along together. Good luck op

[lostgirl66]

I agree sj, but from DC perspective he's been told no now as much as he was before partner moved in, I haven't even said it's for a different reason, it's more from my own perspective iyswim

I say regularly to DC 'is it ok having X live with us' and he says yer, but I think that's because he's genuinely not bothered, as in if he's here fine if he moves out tomorrow that's fine too, but that's not necessarily a bad thing, it just means there relationship hasn't gone past being house mates yet right?

I will speak to them both separately, I will take DC out for tea and probe him about his feelings, if his feelings are of indifference then I will suggest ways partner can interact more, if his feels are not good then I will take it from there

[lostgirl66]

Everydayisaschoolday thank you! I take on board and appreciate everyone's comments, but I really need that one!

[Trifleorbust]

I think a year of going out before moving someone in is not ridiculous (MN will often have you thinking you need to have been with someone since the Ark or you're 'not putting your DC first but I think it can be OTT on here wrt this issue) but I think it also depends on how strong the relationship is between your new partner and your DC. Your partner has to be prepared, if he is going to live with you, to take on some aspects of the parenting role and you have to be prepared to let that happen, or resentment is likely.

For example, I don't think I could live with someone if I wasn't happy to have them comment on my DC's behaviour. The exact wording ('naughty') is barely relevant; I wouldn't be able to be precious about them giving their opinion, because I would have invited them into our living space and given them responsibilities towards my DC, and that comes with the right to an opinion.

Perhaps they need more time to get to know each other and bond; rather than you spending time with your DC, can you arrange for them to spend more time together?

[Trifleorbust]

Just reading a couple more comments re. the sleeping arrangements. The problem is that when you move someone into your home as a partner, your bed becomes their bed. If you are constantly asking them to leave because your DC wants to get into your bed, you are basically treating them like a second class citizen in what is now their home. If you don't feel comfortable with your child getting in alongside the two of you, you could probably take the option of you getting in with your child in a single bed. But over time you do have to think, is the relationship moving along lines where I would be happy for my DC to climb in with both of us? And if not, why not? Very difficult one.

[AddictedtoLove]

He gets on with my DC well although he is a slight man child and I know deep down he would prefer it if I was directing all my attention to him 24/7

You need to talk with your new DP about the reality of this life he is choosing. If he can't hack it, he needs to leave.

The very fact that you have a bit of a niggle and are a bit worried in your first post suggests that there really is a problem.

[lostgirl66]

Trifle thanks for the post, re the bed it's not that I'm not comfortable with him coming in the bed, there just isn't enough room, like some other poster have said a bigger bed may be in order to solve that

And I agree after reading all the post and reevaluating things we've talked about and my own behaviour I think I have almost segregated them from each other, spending time with DC myself and allowing/encouraging partner to do his own thing, in our heads this is so I can spend as much precious time with DC but thinking about it, it may be that we all need to spend precious time together so I will talk to partner about that and see how that helps.

[lostgirl66]

Thanks addicted I will be talking to him

I do have niggles but I've spent time thinking about it since my OP and I think as some other people have said I am suffering from mummy guilt and feeling inadequate because I have to share my child and work full time etc, the niggles are coming from everywhere, partner is just an added complication that yes I have introduced into our life, but the feelings I have are definitely more surrounding all the issues, father being very involved, (Not a bad thing obviously but in an ideal world I wouldn't have to miss my DC 50% of the time) him going to school, me working and feeling guilty for being tired when I am home and new partner

[NoSuchThingAsThePerfectParent]

If my five year old asked to come in my bed at night, I couldn't turn them away.

Especially if I never used to.

I can't really get past that op.

[TwitterQueen1]

He gets on with my DC well although he is a slight man child and I know deep down he would prefer it if I was directing all my attention to him 24/7

This says it all. I don't get why you'v moved this man in. ^^ this won't change.
And your DC is currently a cute 5 year old. What happens when he's a not-so-cute 14 year old...

You will [deservedly] continue to feel 'mummy guilt' if you let a man who doesn't give a toss about your child be such a huge part of his life.

[lostgirl66]

Nosuchthing as I have previously stated it is not something I encouraged other than when ill or scared, and as I already said I would usually say no, I was just using it as an example, a bad one it would seem!

Twitter at which point did I say he didn't give a toss about him?! I didn't, I said he is nice to him and plays with him but I worry he doesn't know how to interact other than when playing!

with regards to him wanting me to pay him attention, he has never said this or acted in that way, but it is something I suspect, as it is I would like to have his attention more, because I love him, does that mean I hate his mum when he goes to see her? Or his sister when he spends time with her? No of course it doesn't, it means I love him and I want to spend more time with him but I understand he has other people and commitments on life!

[lostgirl66]

Twitter and actually comments telling me I deserve to feel mummy guilt when you have been privy to a very small section of my life with no proper background or real understanding of things is pretty unhelpful and actually quite offensive

I love my child and believe I am a good mum, i came her to see what other people's experiences were with moving in a partner with a child, which I'm sure is never a simple thing to do, to share my worries and feeling and to receive support and useful suggestions and advice from people in similar situations because I have no one to talk to in rl, no to be told I deserve to feel guilty! So thanks

[Foxysoxy01]

Apart from the backtracking of your first post to now, what hits me is 'the watching him like a hawk, him not disciplining, you laying out how he should be behaving with DC.

I understand it is so, so important to make sure your DS is your main priority and as happy and healthy as possible but your partner (who presumably you are expecting to be a longterm significant other) could in theory be DS's step father and as such you need to be able to trust him and his judgment with DS and know that he has DS best interest at heart. All this having to watch and teach him is a sign you don't really feel he is capable with your DS. As a step parent/partner to have your OH not trust you with DS and being constantly told that the way you are behaving with child is wrong would make you think what's the point! It's not helping them bond in anyway when it seems like the DP is being kept at arms length.

I am trying to say that underneath it all I wonder if you really think DP is incapable with your DS, and if you don't feel comfortable intergrating him into yours and DS life then he isn't the right person/the right time.

I think you know all the man child and selfish stuff is a big red flag!

If you wish to carry on with DP then I'm not sure you should be saying to DS how wonderful it is to just be you and him and making a big deal about how it's much better when it's just you two, you can now do fun things and stay up late watching movies with sweets etc is a very good idea. Spending good quality time just you and DD is obviously really important but not measuring it against how much better it is than when DP is there (even if you it is, don't voice that to DS if you are trying to integrate DP into his life)