Worried about effects of new man on DC

[lostgirl66]

Bit of background so as not to drip feed, regular mner who's changed un

Please read I know it's an essay! But I really need some help! I'm building this worry up daily and it's starting to get too much!!

My DC is 5 and we have a really good relationship, although me and the father split up when DC was only a few weeks old he sees his father regularly and currently for the last few months because ex hours have reduced at work we are basically parenting 50/50. I could say a lot of things about exes character and morals regarding relationships, but he was and is a v good father and although i hate being away from DC and wish I could be with him constantly I'm sure he does too so even though I hate it it's fair.

So that's the first sort of niggle I have in my brain telling me I'm not a good mum because I'm not with him more and I miss him and I know he misses me.

But the main thing is I have recently reconnected and moved an old frame in, we have known each other years and he definitely is the love of my life

He gets on with my DC well although he is a slight man child and I know deep down he would prefer it if I was directing all my attention to him 24/7. My DC gets on with him although they are either playing and running around together or not communicating at all, new partner has commented on DC being 'naughty' before. He isn't he's a typical kid who pushes things and test boundaries and when I've questioned partner about this he has said he thinks that of all kids really and he doesn't mean bad by saying it just that all kids push boundaries etc. Fair enough, I put this down to him having no experience with kids himself.

After that essay my worry and the point of the thread is, I worry that now as well as only seeing child 50/50 I have also introduced this new person into our lives who has impacted yet again on DC and will he feel pushed out or replaced etc and he's just started schools so our time together has taken many knocks recently!

When DC is their he has my attention until he's in bed, partner potters about doing his thing and plays sometimes, does his work others etc. But little things have changed, for example now and again DC would wake in night and get in my bed, he can't do that now as theirs no room.

What If he feels weird about someone else being in the house, This new person and he doesn't understand? I ask him and he says he likes new partner but I know he's not really bothered by him, like if he disappeared tomorrow DC wouldn't be too bothered

Sorry for the essay I'd really love other people's experiences on this, I'm so worried this will have a negative effect on DC I feel like giving up and just being single forever so it's just me and him!!

[lostgirl66]

Thanks foxy I agree about when he's not there I may have over egged how good it is when we get to spend time together

Just to clarify, I haven't said anything to partner about him doing things wrong or what not, so he isn't being constantly told this, when I say watch like a hawk I don't mean because I don't trust him, I mean to see how he is interacting, if it improves etc

I disagree in that I think there are probably plenty of people out there who could be good step parents but may need some help guidance with integrating and interacting, especially those who have not had any experience before.

Again, sorry if you think I've backtracked, it's not intentional, I am simply clarify and explaining things as they are mentioned/questioned

[TwitterQueen1]

I think the main problem is that you've moved this man in too soon. Neither your partner nor your son know how to act/interact with each other. If you had spent more time letting them get to know each other before they would be more at ease.

Your partner can only play with your son - he doesn't actually have a proper relationship with him. He thinks he's 'naughty'. He has no parenting experience and doesn't know what to do.

You say you asked your son if it was OK if your DP moved in. He's 5! You shouldn't have 'asked' him at all. There should have been an extended period of familiarisation, with lots of activities, time spent together as a unit of three, leading to a very gradual moving in.

[lostgirl66]

So I should have just not consulted my son at all then? Of course I asked him! Not for his permission but how he would feel if he did? Surely that's sensible!

I have been seeing partner for a year, he has spent a lot of time with my son, looking back now though I realise this was not preparing them to live together, we would go out or go to the park or out for the day etc, it was always an event rather than just spending time together, which is not the same as sitting night after night having tea together and the general day to day things that come with living together, don't get me wrong he'd come round for tea and things, but it's different before living together to after, there's always a transition period when people move in together no matter how long they've known each other or if they have kids

The fact that he has no experience with kids doesn't mean he's a bad person, it just means perhaps he needs more help than I realised

[lostgirl66]

I know it seems like I've voiced my worried and then spent my time defending them but after reading everyone's comments and reevaluating things, it's made things a lot clearer to me and made me realised what I need to do, so thanks for all the comments, whether I agree or not they have been helpful in clearing my mind x

[TheNaze73]

This is all too rushed. That's your problem

[lostgirl66]

Knowing someone for 15 years and being together with them for a year doesn't seem too rushed to me

[WannaBe]

TBH I think it's normal to have reservations about having a relationship with someone who doesn't have children when you yourself do have them, irrespective of any doubts you might have about the living situation.

Before I got together with my DP I always maintained that if I were to find a new partner it would be with someone who had children, because anyone who has never had them cannot possibly know how to be a step parent to children they haven't grown with, and they don't have the same kinds of feelings towards children or an understanding of the relationship between a parent and their child if they themselves have no experience of that.

Then I met my DP, and he has never had any children of his own. And we got together but I was very cautious. And he met my DS, and they got on really well and have continued to do so. And by contrast I see the posts on the step parenting boards WRT attempting to blend families with children on both sides, and I've seen first hand how my DS has reacted to my ex being with a partner who has her own child and the issues that has brought, nothing significant, but enough to make me think that having children and even experience of children on both sides complicates things far more. And now I think that not having children on both sides is preferable.

However, the partner who doesn't have children is the one who is thrown into a steep learning curve with a lack of feelings in the mix. And as such it's normal to have to show them how to parent your child when they as yet have no experience (and plenty of pre-conceived ideas which we all have pre having children)

[Graphista]

Rushed for your son, not you is what I think thenaze means, your son hasn't known him 15 years/a year.

Do you ever leave them alone together? Does your partner do any parenting type things at all even cooking dinner?