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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not be thrilled at pregnancy news (not mine!)

52 replies

flirtygertiefromnumber30 · 29/11/2016 16:10

My husband and I have been struggling to conceive now for around 18 months. We've tried various medical interventions to no effect (except causing me to develop serious health anxiety which has led to me having to take anti-depressants), and we are currently taking a break for any intervention for the sake of my sanity!

When I hear someone else's happy pregnancy news AIBU to feel a bit sad and jealous? My husband thinks that I am being awful and selfish feeling this way but I can't help it! He came home yesterday and blithely announced his friend's wife is pregnant with twins and I just feel so miserable today.

Obviously it's lovely news for them but I am so worried it's never going to happen for us and I feel like a terrible failure. Am I a horrible unreasonable person??

OP posts:
Twinchaos1 · 29/11/2016 16:14

Been there and done that, I never said anything but it did make me sad. I think it's pretty normal for someone in your situation. I certainly wouldn't worry about it, just try and be kind to yourself.

flumpybear · 29/11/2016 16:16

Perfectly normal - in fact my best friend and I had difficulties TTC and MCs too and we were both jealous of each other but it settled when we both finally managed to get our first child each 10 months apart

It's a really stressful time and everyone thinks 'I'm infertile, it'll never happen for me ... 'but most likely it will. Mine both took two years each ttc.
Top tip .... perhaps give yourself Christmas to have fun, party a bit, get a bit pissed and enjoy Dec a bit and start again in January - we did this, and in the January (2nd) I found out I was pregnant !! It took the stress away ...

Greengoddess12 · 29/11/2016 16:16

Of course you feel sad. Why wouldn't you and why shouldn't you love? Your dh is being insensitive not you.

londonrach · 29/11/2016 16:17

Yanbu. Its horrible hearing everyone elses good news and you still hoping it would happen to you. Unless its a very close family member ask your dh not to mention this news to you. It was the only way i could cope during my long wait. I have a friend ttc at the moment and im very careful not to mention my dd at the moment. Fingers crossed for you op xxxx

Gazelda · 29/11/2016 16:17

I don't think you're horrible or unreasonable. It must hurt to hear of others who are experiencing the joy you long for.
It's a shame your DH feels the way he does, maybe it's his 'coat of armour' against his sadness at your current childlessness? But he could be a little more sensitive to your feelings.
But try to find a way to not let this current situation completely take over your emotions. Would it help to allow yourself a short 'wallow' for a while then shut it out of your mind?

pipsqueak25 · 29/11/2016 16:18

18 months isn't an impossibly long time, it's a cliche but worry and stress don't help either, try to focus on other things in you lives and who knows what might happen ? i'm sure your turn will come to be a mum Smile

londonrach · 29/11/2016 16:19

I fell the pregnant the month i went back to drinking alcohol (glass of white wine) and just forgot about ttc.

feelinhopeful · 29/11/2016 16:20

Your feelings are perfectly normal. I have had multiple miscarriages and when I came out of hospital after the most recent one I heard the news that a good friend was pregnant and her due date was the date before I should have had my baby. I wanted to be happy for her and to everyone else I seemed like I was happy but I just couldn't stop thinking about how we should have shared our experiences of pregnancy together. Now her gorgeous baby has been born it is even harder, I cry every time I see them (once they have gone of course, not in front of them). Try not to be too hard on yourself.

Rrross1ges · 29/11/2016 16:20

It's normal to be sad. My first took three years - never been in a rush for anything in her life!

SugarMiceInTheRain · 29/11/2016 16:21

YANBU - When we'd been ttc for 18 months, my SIL texted me to let them know they were expecting their 4th child - she fell pregnant first month of trying every time and I sobbed quietly to myself on the train all the way from Coventry to Edinburgh. I was gutted. Be kind to yourself. It'll happen in time.

Sierra259 · 29/11/2016 16:23

I had the same thing. I felt guilty that I was upset by other people's pregnancy news. What helped me was realising that I wasn't wishing that it hadn't happened for them. Just that it could have happened for me too. You're not wishing their pregnancy away, only wishing you could join them Flowers I hope you get your bfp soon.

minipie · 29/11/2016 16:26

YANBU, totally normal to feel like this. I remember nearly throwing the laptop across the room after SIL announced she was pregnant, on top of a run of friends doing the same.

(Turns out I was actually just about pregnant at the time but didn't know it yet)

I do think your DH could have been a bit more sensitive and not mentioned it.

Best of luck with the TTC

Nanny0gg · 29/11/2016 16:28

My husband thinks that I am being awful and selfish feeling this way but I can't help it!

Of course you can't - it's perfectly natural to feel like that.

However it isn't natural to be quite as insensitive as your DH is. He needs to think before he speaks.

I hope 2017 is a good year for you Flowers

maggiethemagpie · 29/11/2016 16:38

I had troubles conceiving my second, and although I already had one child I remember feeling an (involuntary) sense of relief when I found out a friend had miscarried, as I wouldn't have to see her go through the pregnancy when I was struggling to conceive. I hated myself for that but couldn't help it. It's totally normal to feel envious of others getting what we want, you wouldn't be human if you didn't.

Wishing you every success.

ElizabethHoney · 29/11/2016 16:40

100% reasonable and to be expected.

The very fact that you're worrying about it shows that you're a kind person.

DrQuinzel · 29/11/2016 16:43

YANBU at all, in fact I left a coffee shop today having just ordered because a baby was screaming in their pram whilst the mother was chattering away. Not because of the noise, but the hurt of being faced with something I so desperately want yet can't see ever having.

With every pregnancy announcement I smile and make the right noises, but more often that not I burst into tears the second I'm alone.

Flowers for you, it's a horrible journey.

Original poster
flirtygertiefromnumber30 · 29/11/2016 16:46

Thank you everyone for your lovely responses! Am trying hard to stay relaxed and not worry too much (if that's not a total oxymoron Smile)...some days it's easier than others! Definitely agree with you Sierra259, maybe I need to make that clearer to my husband.

So sorry for all the ladies who are in a similar position too, hoping 2017 will be a good year for us all Flowers

OP posts:
SeenYourArse · 29/11/2016 16:46

Of course you aren't we TTC for 3.5 years! During this time I had a friend announce she was 3 months pregnant Exactly 6 weeks after I miscarried at 13 weeks, it was so so hard trying for another three and a half years watching her little girl grow up knowing we should have a little one 8 weeks older. It was tough but we got through it and honestly just as we got to the point of thinking it really may never happen I fell pregnant naturally (I had no intervention or treatment) we now have a beautiful 5.5month old little boy and he's my whole world I never take him for granted for a second. Don't lose heart you will get there even though right now it feels as though you might not.

Ginkypig · 29/11/2016 16:46

You feel how you feel and that can't be helped! You have a right to your emotions even the distressng ones. It's how you share and project them on others that matters in my experience.

You are obviously going to be upset because it's close to home so to speak.

How you feel is not the same as how you behave, so as long as your not being horrible to pregnant women what's the problem?

Also your dh imo should be a tad more understanding. He might not feel the same as you as his right but he shouldn't berate you because you feel different.

Dagnabit · 29/11/2016 16:46

Yanbu OP; it's horribly unfair and your feelings are perfectly normal and understandable under the circumstances. Good luck with your ttc journey Flowers

Ginkypig · 29/11/2016 16:49

Sierra that's a good way of putting it.

What your describing puts a totally different slant on the situation/emotions doesn't it.

SouthofMaui · 29/11/2016 16:59

Of course you are not BU.

The hardest thing is to accept that pregnancy doesn't mean the happiest time for a woman (talking about wanted pregnancies here). If someone had multiple miscarriages, or is going through multiple tests because something seems wrong with the baby, it's an awfully worrying and stressful time.

My writing is clumsy, I am trying to say that you might not appreciate that your pregnant friends are not as ecstatic as you might think they are. You would give anything for a baby, but at their stage, they would give anything for a healthy one. If they play down the pregnancy, don't resent them, it can be really hard. Hope this make sense!

Greyponcho · 29/11/2016 17:02

you're not alone.
For me, sometimes it's hard not to feel guilty for feeling so 'brattish' about the situation (why not MEEEE!!! It's MY TURN!! ) when I know I should be feeling joy for my friends good news (and good lord, I'd never let them see the crying or foot stomping!).
I told my DH about my friend expecting her PFB, he gave my hand a squeeze and let me talk about it, or not, in my own time.

Perhaps talk to your DP & really explain how you feel - if getting pregnant is supposed to be the most natural thing in the world, of course it'll affect you when it seems so easy for all but you.
Flowers for you OP

HyacinthFuckit · 29/11/2016 17:03

No, I think it's pretty normal.

PersianCatLady · 29/11/2016 17:05

Am I a horrible unreasonable person??
No not at all. You are feeling jealous, but in the situation you have described it is perfectly understandable to feel that way.

I hope that one day you are able to share your happy news.