AIBU to not be thrilled at pregnancy news (not mine!)

[flirtygertiefromnumber30]

My husband and I have been struggling to conceive now for around 18 months. We've tried various medical interventions to no effect (except causing me to develop serious health anxiety which has led to me having to take anti-depressants), and we are currently taking a break for any intervention for the sake of my sanity!

When I hear someone else's happy pregnancy news AIBU to feel a bit sad and jealous? My husband thinks that I am being awful and selfish feeling this way but I can't help it! He came home yesterday and blithely announced his friend's wife is pregnant with twins and I just feel so miserable today.

Obviously it's lovely news for them but I am so worried it's never going to happen for us and I feel like a terrible failure. Am I a horrible unreasonable person??

I totally get it - I had two mc's and there seemed to be pregnancy announcements all around me including my own DSIS. It's so tough but try and stay positive (not easy I know) I hope it happens for you very soon. Ps try and avoid facebook if you're on it - I felt like there wasn't a week that went by where I wasn't seeing a happy announcement on there!

It's perfectly normal to feel sad that you aren't experiencing something you'd like that others are. Your dh needs to be more sensitive.

I feel sad when people talk about their parents as I never had any, or any replacements.

We're all human and we all have feelings. You aren't horrible.

My mother was the worst for this kind of insensitivity. The day after I miscarried (which she knew about) she specifically called me to tell me her friend's daughter was pregnant and made a big fuss about how wonderful it was. I was dying inside. It's not that I didn't want to be happy for her, but it just magnified our own struggle, and I couldn't find it in myself at that point. I'm more philosophical now but that day nearly broke me.

Funnily enough my mother was like that too - a friend did a birth announcement on fb a few days after my mc and my mother put in gushing comments about their perfect little family, I'm not saying she shouldn't be able to congratulate others but at the time it just really hurt to see.

As you can see from all the messages you are not alone in feeling like this, it is important that you are able to share those feelings and realise that you are not selfish just human. It can be hard to hear the news you would so hope to be your good news. We may put a brave face on and be pleased for someone's good news, but that doesn't mean we have to deny that we may be finding it difficult.

Been there and it's horrible. I remember channeling all my anger at Victoria Beckham of all people because Harper was born a month before my second due date, but I lost the baby at 12 weeks. I resented every moment of her pregnancy and even though I got pregnant again soon after I still hated that kid for ages. Really only the last couple of years I can see pics of her without wanting to cry. How stupid is that!

I hope 2017 is a good year for you

Not unreasonable at all. I learned of some friends' pregnancy shortly after my own first pregnancy ended in a late miscarriage. I was devastated - not because I didn't want them to be pregnant, but because I despaired I would ever carry to term and yes, to be honest, I was jealous of their ability to conceive and carry to term.

Totally understandable.
to all of you having difficulties.

Yep pretty normal imo.
You are sad about YOURSELF and the fact you havent been able to get pregnant yet.
It doesn't mean you dont want anyone to be pregnant. Just that it Is bloody hard to see other people getting the ONE thing you are dreaming about day in and day out.

Absolutely not unreasonable.

We lost 3 before my daughter. The last mc was complicated resulting in 2 surgeries and a long stay in hospital. a guy my husband worked with made a dick comment about me struggling to be around heavily pregnant women at that time. While dept told him off for 'being a dick'.

My last mc was 17 years ago and it still affects me. Not as much as it did but at certain times.

Several friends have struggled to conceive/dealt with loss too, these feelings are totally normal.

Your husband needs to be more supportive and understanding (putting it mildly!)

I completely understand how you feel! My husband and I are the eldest children in our families. We were the first married. Over the next 12 years, while we TTC, all our siblings got married and had children. The first few didn't bother me but gradually it started to feel like a punch in the gut hearing about another niece or nephew on the way while we gave up hope.
Finally, after 14 years of trying we decided that was it, no more tests, no more drugs, no more charting, timing, thermometers.

As it turned out I was pregnant when we came to our momentous decision. Two years later I was pregnant again. We have two lovely teenagers now, both most definitely worth a long wait.

The day after I miscarried (which she knew about) she specifically called me to tell me her friend's daughter was pregnant and made a big fuss about how wonderful it was
Sorry to be rude but what a bitch, she could have been more sensitive or not told you for a while.

Of course completely understandable to feel as you do.

Generally it's not very helpful to tell ourselves or others that they/we should feel different to how they/we do feel.

Maybe talk through with DP about how you do feel and ask if he can be more sensitive if there is news to share. Possibly he finds news of others getting pregnant encouraging, and doesn't see how you experience it differently?

It took me ages to get pregnant and I remember feeling it was never going to happen, but now I have two teenagers

I hope 2017 is a good one for you and everyone reading

YANBU and your husband should be more understanding.

Quite natural OP. I didn't have trouble conceiving but had repeated miscarriages. I remember that when a well known magazine columnist (with whom I had a number of things in common) had a baby girl I was very upset and felt it was so unfair. Eventually I had my own and a few years later heard that the columnist's daughter had Willi Prader Syndrome so then I felt really sorry for her because mine was perfectly healthy (and gorgeous)
Good luck. Just relax over Christmas and visualise having your own miracle next Christmas. Timing is everything when it comes to conception and when you have your baby you won't wish it was another born some other time.

Been in your exact situation. Decided to have a break from TTC after 18 months and revisit next year. SIL announced her pregnancy - pregnant first cycle, of course. And I'm pissed off that she gets the first grandchild.

Meh.

(And yes, IABU!)

Yanbu. Been trying over 2 years and every 'accidental pregnancy' and fb pregnancy announcement fills me with despair.

OP move over to the infertility boards - mind numbing boredom is a good one. On this board you will get a whole load of "I relaxed/stopped trying/went on holiday/got drunk and got pregnant!" platitudes. Infertility boards ladies 'get it' x

No love, you're not unreasonable at all.

It's fucking heartbreaking, isn't it?

I regularly allow myself to call pregnant women names inside my head, just so I don't burst into tears at the sight of them rubbing their bumps. It's been over two years for us trying, and two losses. Everyone is having children, everyone is having a happy pregnancy, everyone is pushing a buggy - apart from me. I'm far from perfect, but I'm a kind person in general. This turns me into a demon though. I want to hiss "fuck off!" when pregnant people speak to me, even if it's to ask the time or something. I'm being quite honest here because whilst I'm sure some people will probably judge what I've just said, I thought you needed to know it wasn't just you OP.

And give your husband a kick up the backside and a less on empathy.

Wishing you all the best,

I want to hiss "fuck off!" when pregnant people speak to me, even if it's to ask the time or something

They've all got piles the size of cauliflowers 💊*

• couldn't find a haemorrhoid emoji so I gave you a suppository one.

Hello. YANBU at all. We were trying for 3 years without a whiff of a positive pregnancy test, and these three years included the transferring of 6 'perfect' embryos via IVF before we struck it lucky. During that time I felt dreadful, truly dreadful, when I found out that friends/family/colleagues/celebrities were pregnant. I think what makes it even worse is that you beat yourself up for feeling that way, so it's like fuel on a raging fire!
Your DH should be more sensitive but maybe he's just being a bit clumsy with his words? Something my DH always said with each and every pregnancy announcement (which became a bit of a mantra for me) was 'there's no quota on babies- it's not like they're running out so we won't get ours!'. Bit silly and stating the bleeding obvious but helped me nonetheless.
I'm afraid I hold no truck with the 'relax and it will happen' brigade. I'm sure that for some, it does, but this sort of advice adds even more pressure to women already feeling overwhelmed and obsessed. And for the majority of those who have been TTC for a length of time some medical intervention will be required.
OP, for what it's worth, I was as stressed as buggery when I finally got my IVF BFP!

Completely normal. I like the way a PP put it- it's not that you're wishing they didn't have it, just that you desperately want it for yourself. Difficult as well if you're not sharing with people that you're trying. I found myself putting a brave face on things because people had no idea how long we'd been ttc or that we were having problems. But would let myself wallow for a while at home alone after hearing others' news.

I think you need to be kinder to yourself which includes allowing yourself to be sad and mad that it's happening for others and not for you (yet.)
I was close to breakdown when I was ttc. I had 5 iui and 5 if and it never worked for me and I really thought I was going out of my mind with the grief and sadness. When I'd hear of a pregnancy, it wasn't that I wasn't happy for whoever it was, it was just like it put me standing in the big lonely spotlight of infertility. It's shit.

We eventually adopted my beautiful little miss sunshine who is now 6 and it's only since she's been mine that I've come to terms with my grief.

(Although I still feel like stabbing the women outside the maternity hospital smoking!)

You wouldn't be normal if you weren't feeling like this. Your husband is just experiencing g this differently. For him, it's probably not an every day sadness bur he's not checking his cycle, looking intently at mucus, knicker watching etc. He gets a break from it, you don't. So you need to tell him to be sensitive about it, whether he understands it or not.

And most of all, be KIND to yourself.

Yanbu, sometimes news like that is just difficult to hear. Sorry you're going through this.