to be fuming at this 'teacher'?

[user1480369074]

DD's music teacher told another student in class today: 'Don't warm up with (DD). You know why'. DD has interpreted it as 'Don't warm up with me in case some of my rubbish playing rubs off on you', and is heartbroken. There has always been some pretty blatant favouritism going on from this teacher, but this has taken it up a notch. DD lacks confidence anyway, and her teacher knows this. DD is aware there are better musicians in her grade, but it's never been an issue among the kids, they are all friends and supportive of each other. AIBU in thinking this teacher is being deliberately divisive and unnecessarily cruel? She's teaching ten-year-olds ffs!

The most likely explanation is last lesson they warmed up together and were told they weren't to warm up together again. Most likely because they were silly, but it could also be something like they're told to pick a different partner each week and the teacher noticed they had picked each other every week.
I think your explanation is right down in the very unlikely meanings.

I do spend an inordinate amount of time telling my DD how wonderful she is, and she really is, but a million affirmations from me - just mummy - can be undone by one negative and thoughtless comment from a teacher (I am a teacher, but not her teacher, therefore I know nothing 😔).
This is a wind up...
If by any chance it's not, do as others have said & get working on her resilience. She needs life skills. Where does the pressure to be wonderful all the time come from?

Actually, just from the information youve given that doesn't sound good at all. Your poor DD, it's awful to feel like that, even if she has misinterpreted the comment. You need to speak to the teacher calmly and neutraly to ask for context. If it was innocent she can explain, and if not she will know you're on to her.

I do spend an inordinate amount of time telling my DD how wonderful she is,

And you think this is wise?

Did you express to your DD that this made you angry and fume?

If so, actually it's likely that this is what fuelled her upset and going to bed upset, over something so minor. The way parents react often determines the extent of child reaction and the time it lasts. If you told her she had been belittled, that would make her feel upset.

I can see no evidence for saying the teacher belittled her. Do you think every single slightly critical comment (and I don't even see this particular one as particularly critical - purely stating a fact which had already been agreed) is belittling and unacceptable?

It's time for your DD to learn to be able to hear these kind of comments, plus those that are actually critically constructive, without floods of tears, to consider what is said,mso act on it.....and to grow as a result of it. She's olde enough to be able to do that and not to flounce at every less gently spoken word.

And TBH, I think it's time for you to do the same. Resist the knee jerk reaction of a mother who sees attacks on her child's when there aren't any, and appreciate your own role in helping her to grow in resilience and learning to cope.

See this for what it really was - a brief comment, not a big criticism or put down. Recognise this tendency within yourself to over react and start taking positive steps to stop doing it,mor your own benefit, but mainly for your DD.

In my experience, treat what a child says that a teacher has said directly to them with a pinch of salt. Use a whole bucket of salt over what a child says that a teacher said to a third party. I am not saying that your DD is lying, but a child's perception of what happened can be very far away from reality. Kids haven't matured enough to accept the consequences of their actions or they don't have the empathy or experience to deal with the actions of others. Or some of them are simply manipulative little sods who still think that the earth revolves around them.

I'd contact the teacher. Sorry to be suspicious but I betting that DD isn't quite as innocent in this as she makes out - why would she get so upset over something fairly trivial? The best way to deflect that is to blame the teacher, and judging by your reaction by calling her the "teacher", DD knows how to do it. Don't worry - consider it to be a sign of intelligence!

There is no way that anyone who played any instrument to any decent degree of proficiency could think that bad playing would 'rub off'. It's technique - it's not contagious. A musician just wouldn't think like that: they know too well all the hours and hours of work that goes in to a good performance.

It's far more likely that your DD has misinterpreted what was said.

If you are a teacher, I think you must be in a tiny minority if you haven't experienced a parent ranting and raving about some garbled version, reported by a child, of a non-event at school. Parents who uncritically and unquestioningly accept the child's account and the child's interpretation of the event are often missing vital detail or context. Surely it would be best to simply tell your daughter that there is probably no cause to worry and follow up discretely with the teacher.

Seriously, you need to have a word with yourself. If your DD can't handle a comment like that (which could have meant any number of things) how is she going to handle friendships that break down, romantic relationships, the workplace? You are bringing her up to be almost shockingly fragile. Far from her self-esteem being solid because you spend all this time praising her, it sounds like it is on the flor and she walks round expecting people to criticise her, reading negative meaning into the most innocuous comments. I wonder where she gets that

Yes, if you're a teacher, it makes your reaction to this even more un fathomable to me. Are you currently teaching?

In schools these days, there has been recognition that constant praise where it isn't warranted isn't helpful.....it becomes empty and doesn't achieve anything. This teacher does need to encourage her pupils and I am sure she does - from one comment,met here is no indication that she never says positives. However, she's looking to help her pupils improve, so constructive comments about how to do that, about all kinds of things, including who students work with are needed. They are intended to be constructive, not belittling.....there is a very real difference.

In schools today, children are always setting themselves targets, hearing about the good aspects of their work, but also 'even better if...' comments too. It can't all be 'wonderful, wonderful, wonderful' from school.....or you either! How can people grow if they have no sense that there are things to change, or to be able to hear them without a flood or tears.

Goodness, if this really really worried you, contact the teacher for clarification about what happened. However, I see no need and you making a mountain out of what isn't even a molehill. Your DD is going to face comments like this,mconstructive comments over and over again.....and some won't be as gentle as this one, and she and you will need to cope, if she's to grow up to be a sensible adult and not a wimpy princess Who can only ever hear praise. So, if you can summon the strength to do this now, I'd have a rethink, alter my tone with DD from 'fuming' to acknowledging her feelings but also to see the other side and to quickly move on. Often the job of parents is to help children understand constructive comments, see the matter from all sides and how to not dwell on very minor setbacks. Parents who do that,mice their children so much more, than if they fume, disable their children from seeing all sides or from moving forward.

You sound an absolute tool tbh. As a teacher yourself, I am amazed you think it simply HAS to be a horrid reason, not just that your daughter was dicking around or something else equally normal. How harsh you must be on your own profession. I find it very difficult to believe, as a previous poster, you've never had a parent in on a half-baked idea they have gotten from their child which turns out to be entirely misinterpreted.
Open your mind a bit to the possibility that your DD isn't some special little snowflake and needs to buck up over an inconsequential comment. She needs, from this example, to toughen up.

Speaking as a music teacher, the most obvious reason that children shouldn't warm up together is that each child should be focused on what he/she needs to work on, which will never be exactly the same for two different children. It is crucial that children learn to listen carefully to themselves and find a peaceful, almost meditative, sense of concentration. Warming up together can be fun, but it is not always very productive.

Emmanuelcant: "Or an American!" ...

Really?? is that necessary? or true? I guess everyone needs some group to belittle and hate, and Americans seem like a good choice, but I am sick of this attitude.

I don't know why these days every comment made by a teacher is ripped apart and a parent ends up storming into school to complain. It's a little embarassing to read about, and its entirely why I am giving up teaching. How can you expect your kids to have respect for us and do as they are asked if you as parents do nothing to support is, i.e. not bothering to do homework because you dont feel its necessary (And you tell your children this too!) are you really ready to give this teacher a piece of your mind over a tale of woe from a 10 year old!!!??? It sounds from your OP that the girls have a history of messing around, there is absolutely nothing at all in what you've said that indicates the teacher was talking about your child's talent level. There is nothing to be 'fuming' or 'heartbroken' about. Try to show some support for the ones that have to deal with your kids all day, trust me your little darlings aren't always lovely!

When I went to school we never ever ever told our parents when a teacher had told us off for something
Because I would get a second telling off at home and probably would have to go and apologise to the teacher.
My mum was a teacher then.

I work with schools now and a huge huge majority of teachers are so lovely and caring and they "tell off" in the most constructive way, usually mostly using positive reinforcement.

So how come all these threads???!!! So your daughter is potentially chatting too much to another student which might be impairing both their learning. Maybe there are pupils with attention disorders maybe there are a million reasons why she said this.

And you are fuming??
And why is is "teacher", not teacher?

I could have just said "what tinkerbubble said" and saved myself some typing

Why are you feeding your daughters interpretation it's about her when it's more likely to do with the pupil it was said to. It's a normal reaction to assume it's about you (after all we are the centre of our own universe) but normally some sensible thinking it's often clear it's about someone else

Clara I was also taken aback by the American commend. Partly because it seemed so random as well

Anyway, this has been a nigh-on 100% agreement that the OP is being U. I very much like ok forward to them coming back

Oh gosh, I'm a teacher (not music, classroom) and I have used this phrase more than once.

Usually a 'nope, you 2 are not sitting together and you know why' with a little smile. The kids have been spoken to about something like chatting together or being silly and messing around. It's a way of not drawing too much attention and dragging up old bad behaviour while makeing sure they take a bit of responsibility for their behaviour and understand there are consequences to not doing the right thing.

Could it be that they distract each other in some way?

Either way it's not good that anyone feels there is favouritism going on

What with this thread and the other one with the OP whose DH is arrogant and sneering towards the teachers, honestly - teachers must be gagging for their Christmas holidays!

I think YABU as you & your DD are not mind readers.

I was always told this when I paired with my best pal as we just mucked about and chatted too much.

Its only natural for parents to over praise their children, and rightly so.

I think the inference is 'don't warm up (with your DD) because she isn't as good as you and brings you down' which is why your DD picked up on this and is upset.

The teacher and other child have obviously been talking when your your DD hasn't been there and the inference again is she can be better when not with your DD. In defense maybe the other girls' parents have been in asking how their daughter can improve.

Go with your gut instinct and your DD's.

Just to add a bit of balance here - this kind of thing can and does happen. When I was nine I had a teacher who exhibited the most outrageous favouritism. She had a select group of about six kids who she would take off for 'private briefings' and they would spend the lesson laughing at in jokes. Once she took these kids into the store cupboard to watch Wimbledon on the TV - whilst the rest of us had to do star jumps in the gym during our PE lesson. It was so obvious and so unprofessional - not sure how she got away with it really!

I'm not saying this is definitely what's happening here but just that it's possible. All sorts of people become teachers and they're not always whiter than white (coming from the daughter of an outstanding teacher who has utter respect for the profession).

claraschu

"Belittle and hate". Get a grip!

I've professionally experienced many different parenting and teaching styles from all over the world. None are perfect and most have their merits.

The phrase "I do spend an inordinate amount of time telling my DD how wonderful she is" seems to me to be a wonderfully concise example of the majority of American parenting. It creates people who have a fantastic but superficial confidence as demonstrated here. Whilst 'safe spaces' and 'trigger warnings' may be on the rise, they aren't the norm and children need to be able to understand that things may upset them but they would be better trying to appreciate different arguments and developing a thicker skin as opposed to being 'heartbroken' or whatever other hyperbole they can wedge into their complaints.

Suburban you dont even know it. During one of my sessions, some parents were there as it was a school trip. As part of the activity children are meant to put the materials away at the end where they belong.
Most parents give me a big nod when I make them do this because it reinforces the message that they are giving them at home.
I like to work with the parents and dont contradict them etc.
So I asked this child, oh could you please make sure you put those away as we agreed? (We also set rules together at the start and children agree that is fair)
Then mum! Get this!!! Mum takes the child away and says "but that gives you something to do"
And walks away
I have 3 weeks and a half left and I cant bloody wait

I thought the same Rhonda Who are these people that spend their time defending their children from non events?