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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fuming at this 'teacher'?

95 replies

user1480369074 · 28/11/2016 22:49

DD's music teacher told another student in class today: 'Don't warm up with (DD). You know why'. DD has interpreted it as 'Don't warm up with me in case some of my rubbish playing rubs off on you', and is heartbroken. There has always been some pretty blatant favouritism going on from this teacher, but this has taken it up a notch. DD lacks confidence anyway, and her teacher knows this. DD is aware there are better musicians in her grade, but it's never been an issue among the kids, they are all friends and supportive of each other. AIBU in thinking this teacher is being deliberately divisive and unnecessarily cruel? She's teaching ten-year-olds ffs!

OP posts:
RainyDayBear · 29/11/2016 00:34

Agree with everyone else, far too much is being read into this. You weren't there, and it sounds like your DD has misinterpreted it massively.

KoalaDownUnder · 29/11/2016 00:40

Ffs, no wonder so many children grow up with no resilience whatsoever. Confused Your daughter is10, not 4.

Why the heck is this worth 'fuming' about?? My mum would have given me a bit of sympathy and then encouraged me to get over it and move on.

I do spend an inordinate amount of time telling my DD how wonderful she is, and she really is, but a million affirmations from me - just mummy - can be undone by one negative and thoughtless comment from a teacher

Really? No, they can't. (Or not by one as mild as this.)

donquixotedelamancha · 29/11/2016 00:54

"but in this instance, it actually was an adult belittling a child and deliberately making her feel bad about herself. Maybe it's a strategy that works with some kids; it's not one that I'd use, but it's entirely possible that I'm missing a trick."

Unless there is much more to it than you have told us, then you have no basis to say this. To be honest that last line comes off as really irrational.

I think you need to consider the possibility that you catastrophise things a bit much and you might be passing this on to your daughter. Perhaps try focusing your praise of her on real achievement and being a bit less indulgent of her when she is upset (sympathy and move on as suggested above).

We all have irrational fears, but we have to work hard not to pass the crazy onto our kids. You are obviously worried about your daughter's self esteem, but perhaps aren't doing her any favours in that regard.

BlueFolly · 29/11/2016 01:11

I do spend an inordinate amount of time telling my DD how wonderful she is. If I were you I would rethink this strategy. It doesn't sound like it's working if it can be undone by one comment.

jacks11 · 29/11/2016 01:26

I don't think it's easy to say either way, actually.

There could be, as PP's have said a perfectly reasonable explanation for this- such as the teacher having had a word about chatting or something when OPs DD and this other girl warm up together (although surely both children would have been told off/told not to practice together, not just one).

OTOH it is also possible that there is something more to it. OPs DD has clearly been very upset (rightly or wrongly) and I think that has to be raised with the teacher- not in an accusatory way, but explaining that her DD was upset by this and had taken it to mean that she was to be avoided etc. If for no other reason than if this little is lacking in confidence then surely it would be better the teacher is aware? I would imagine teachers would prefer to know if something is causing upset to their pupil, especially if that is something they have said or done (even if what they did or said was perfectly reasonable or innocuous).

jacks11 · 29/11/2016 01:30

And some children do take things to heart more than others. If a child is lacking in confidence, then even little throwaway remarks that wouldn't register with most people can have a negative impact. That's not to say that they must be treated with kid gloves, but it may be that a little more thought is required at times.

TheClaws · 29/11/2016 01:34

If they were simply 'warming up', then I find it unlikely a teacher would care if a student of higher ability worked with a supposedly lower one.

IMO, I think it probably has something to do with chatting, and most likely the other student was the focus of the comment. But, your DD is only telling you something she thinks she heard that then upset her. Emotions colour and change things, no? I would reassure her that it was nothing to do with her at all. I'd certainly not be 'fuming'.

PerspicaciaTick · 29/11/2016 02:06

Spend less time praising your DD and more time building her resilience. She needs to learn how to take these sorts of knocks and move on without dwelling on them to the point she goes to bed upset.

MidniteScribbler · 29/11/2016 02:31

I think you're reading way to much into it. If a student is consistently mucking around in class with certain other students, I'll have a quiet chat with them and discuss making choices about who to work with. I'll often see them moving towards that same student and say 'remember to make good choices' and they'll go work with a different group. It's nothing against the other students, it's about the child learning that sometimes working with your friends isn't the best choice for learning to occur.

BarbarianMum · 29/11/2016 02:51

This. Once you start seeing subtle put-downs in every innocuous phrase (and honestly you are both putting the worst possible interpretation into what has been said - it wouldn't even have occurred to me that that was a put down) and decided people are talking about you behind your back you are well down the road to paranoia -ville - and that's not a good place to be.

Atenco · 29/11/2016 03:52

I'm afraid you totally misunderstood me, OP. It's not a case of telling them they are wonderful.

It's teaching them not to jump to conclusions, especially negative conclusions.

Your dd hears a perfectly innocuous comment from a teacher and immediately reads a personal criticism into it and you, instead of pointing out that her interpretation is only one of many possible interpretations, get offended on her behalf, thus validating her skewed vision of the world as all being out to get her.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/11/2016 04:11

The comment "suggests" lots of things.

Don't warm up with that child because...
You distract each other
Your instruments are tuned differently
I like you to mix it up every week
I've asked you before if you can't help another child
I prefer woodwind instruments to warm up together
You warmed up together last week
I want you to practice warming up with a better player
I want you to help x learn to warm up properly

There's loads of reasons.

You and dd are both being over sensitive. YABU

And why did you put "teacher" in inverted commas.

RichardBucket · 29/11/2016 04:12

but a million affirmations from me - just mummy - can be undone by one negative and thoughtless comment from a teacher

This has got to be a pisstake.

emmanuelcant · 29/11/2016 06:06

RichardBucket

Or an American!

Just another voice here OP suggesting that your daughter being heartbroken and you fuming when you have no idea what's gone on and the intentions behind it is ridiculous.

You haven't said how you know that it was belittling, devastating, cruel etc. Perhaps your well-affirmed daughter hasn't been as wonderful as you imagine and the other parent has asked for them to not work together. Maybe they haven't been working together well and the other child's been told to keep away from your daughter to avoid money being pissed up the wall. The teacher saying "Don't warm up with DD, your parents asked for you two to be kept apart for x, y, z" would have been unprofessional.

Are you sure you're a teacher? A proper one I mean? At a school?

CauliflowerSqueeze · 29/11/2016 06:24

The reason she's upset is because you have obviously communicated either directly or indirectly to her that the teacher was cruel and spiteful and belittling and mean.

If you'd said "oh right... so who did you warm up with? What did you play? How did it go?" then the focus would have been off this tiny minutiae moment.

You have no idea what she is like in lessons - I would bet my salary that she's a bit chatty with the other girl.

MistresssIggi · 29/11/2016 06:33

A teacher yourself, and you can't imagine a scenario that would involve you not wanting two students to work together that isn't horrendously negative? Confused

GinIsIn · 29/11/2016 06:40

You have no does how the comment was intended as you weren't there, so I'm not sure why you seem so determined to jump to the worst possible conclusion - there are dozens of innocent interpretations to that comment.

Also not sure why you've felt the need to put teacher in inverted commas. Hmm

Your daughter has not gone to he's heartbroken because of one small comment from a teacher. She has gone to bed "heartbroken" because instead of telling her she's being a bit silly, and to forget about it, you were busy fuming and have reinforced the idea in her head that something bad was meant by it, when in fact you have no idea.

The role as parent is not to offer constant praise - it's to teach your child to be practical and resilient at coping with life, because not everyone she meets will praise her every move and it's your job to teach her to be ok with that.

Lucy7400 · 29/11/2016 06:41

You need to calm down. If you're a teacher then you would know there are many explanations. No point whinging here, go and ask the teacher.

teacher54321 · 29/11/2016 06:41

That sentence to me Implies that the other child has behaved poorly previously, the teacher has spoken to her about it and is referencing that conversation. Or that maybe the teacher does want musicians of similar ability working together, (not that I ever care, but each music teacher to their own) and has told this particular child for whatever reason to work in another group. I find it almost impossible to find a negative connotation towards your own daughter in that exchange. It suggests to me an issue with the other child if anything.

Bluntness100 · 29/11/2016 06:56

Can you maybe give some background on why you are interpreting the teachers comment to mean this please? Clearly your daughter won't tell you if she was messing around and you weren't /aren't there, and normally the immediate conclusion would be the teacher either meant the other girl was someone who messed around and would distract your daughter, or vice versa, or both together.

So maybe you could give context as on the face of it, yes it looks like your being unreasonable by jumping to conclusions, but the back story may help.

KittensWithChristmasHatsOn · 29/11/2016 07:00

You are a teacher and you're fuming at this?!?!?

SoupDragon · 29/11/2016 07:00

but in this instance, it actually was an adult belittling a child and deliberately making her feel bad about herself

So, you were in the class and saw what happened?

PlumsGalore · 29/11/2016 07:09

I don't wonder there are so many entitled, precious children growing into entitled, precious adults. Perhaps your daughter has only ever been told how wonderful and amazing she is and can't deal with anything else other than positive and reassuring confirmation that she is fabulous.

Sadly I have met a few children like this and it doesn't end well in high school.

Personally I would have given her a hug, said everything will be fine and it will all be forgotten tomorrow and sent her off to bed. Because it will! Instead you appear to be in a uproar and will no doubt be feeding her belief that the teacher is against her and it is unjustified.

Really in the bigger scheme of things this is a bit of a trivial issue to raise on a public forum, surely?

rollonthesummer · 29/11/2016 07:17

You are both over reacting completely and I honestly wonder how you get through the days if you are fuming and she is this upset over some innocuous throwaway comment. If this was was my daughter-I would be telling her that the teacher could have meant it in 50 different ways-all of which make more sense than the way your daughter has interpreted it. Your daughter's resilience is clearly very low-you need to build it up, not fan flames of despair!

Why is she a 'teacher' in inverted commas?!

Are you a 'teacher'?!

elodie2000 · 29/11/2016 07:19

I do spend an inordinate amount of time telling my DD how wonderful she is, and she really is, but a million affirmations from me - just mummy - can be undone by one negative and thoughtless comment from a teacher (I am a teacher, but not her teacher, therefore I know nothing 😔).
This is a wind up...
If by any chance it's not, do as others have said & get working on her resilience. She needs life skills. Where does the pressure to be wonderful all the time come from?

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