To wonder how this could possibly have offended DH?

[SidseBabettKnudsen]

DH had his work do a couple of weeks ago - no wives which didn't bother me as I couldn't have gone anyway due to childcare for our two SN DC.

I was chatting on the net to a couple of friends of mine, also mums who are full-time carers to SN DC who don't get out much and mentioned it. We jokingly suggested that we should have our own "work xmas do", which in the end boiled down to us planning to go out for lunch together at some point on a weekday when our kids are at school.

Told DH about it yesterday and he was really annoyed with me. He thought it was really offensive to him that I had told my friends he had gone out without me, and that I had implied to them that he doesn't consider what I do to be work by calling it a "work xmas do" as a joke.

DH doesn't really like me chatting to these friends online, if I'm honest. He often makes little barbed remarks about it, but these women have been a lifeline to me, so I'm not going to stop. I don't get out much and all my non-SN friends have faded away really. DH himself works long hours and a lot of evenings until very late at night sometimes, and I miss adult conversation and these women really "get it".

But he thinks we sit around slagging our husbands off, I think. Which we have actually never done. I offered for him to read our conversation to see for himself, but he turned me down.

So AIBU and insulting to him by arranging a "work xmas do" when it technically isn't? After he said this it kind of soured our day and I am still cross with him, which he noticed and asked me why I was "in a mood", which he knows I hate.

I actually think you do work. Probably very hard.

He's being very sensitive about it. Why would he have a problem with you going out and relaxing?

He is being a dick

My guess would be that he was uncomfortable going alone to this meal, knowing you were stuck at home, and by having your conversation you've shown him that yes, on some level that was an issue for you, although for you it was more about the recognition of the work you put in wit hyour kids, where he felt guilty at being out for a meal without you.

You more than deserve a 'work night out' and it's just a harmless jokey title. He sounds as if he resents you going out. You need to go out, have fun, and have a bit of a break, for your own sanity. Enjoy.

Personally, I wouldn't be making do with a lunch when the kids are cared for in school

I would be arranging a boozy night out and ensuring he took his turn at childcare for the night

If you're a SAHM, then it is a work xmas do, imo.

Does he feel you're devaluing the fact that he goes out to work, by calling it that?

He probably realises that he doesn't pull his weight with looking after your children and is scared that you'll realise this when you talk to other people. He sounds controlling and he is trying to isolate you. You definitely should have a works do!

Idiot.

Him, not you.

You need a break. He is being a dick.

He's being a dick. Go out with your friends. And as for moaning about you talking to them, tell him you don't police the conversations he has when you're not there so you'd like the same courtesy.

I get this - they feel like they are missing out in some way and its a form of jealousy - in my view

I wouldn't worry about it - just explain the adult conversation, something in common, sharing info about caring for such children and then invite him to come along if he wants. He is rather self centred in some ways if all he things you have to talk about is him for goodness sake.

Eh? I do exactly the same as you, have a 'work' xmas do with friends. Dh has never taken offence

I think pp are right, he's feeling guilty about going out on his own and being overly defensive.

I think he is trying to make you feel guilty for having a lunch out with friends, and even having friends outside of him.

We have one DC who does not have SN. We both work full time and the most exhausting part of my week is entertaining and caring for DC at the weekend. I imagine your daily life caring for 2 SN DC is on a different scale entirely - you absolutely do work, and exceptionally hard. If you didn't care for DC you would have to pay someone to do it - would they not be working? Hope your DH can understand how good it is for your mental wellbeing to have the support of these women and how much you deserve a bit of a break, same as he does. Have a lovely time at your work xmas do!

He is a twat. I don't 'work' - I do other stuff, but as such don't have a do to go to. DH takes me out every year for a Christmas do so I don't miss out. This year we are going to see Madness!

also, it's interesting you are planning this for when the children are at school and not for a weekend when he could and should take over....would he sabotage?

Don't wait for his opinion op. It sounds like a great idea and something you really need by the sounds of it.

Don't make it a question. You are going and you will enjoy it

He should be supporting you having friends and getting out of the house.

Why isn't he? Does he want to control you? Is he uncomfortable with you doing thing independently?

Also he sounds quite self obsessed, he's making something which is nothing to do with him, all about him.

A good friend once reminded me, when he could see I was in a doomed relationship "You know, your other half is supposed to make your life easier, not more difficult".

Is it these particular friends he objects to, or the concept of you communicating with your friends generally?

He must be really sensitive about not taking you to his works do if he thinks you shouldn't tell other people. Which is really odd given that all his workmates are presumably in the same boat, and makes me wonder whether it really was a "no spouses" do and he's worried that if you talk to others about it you might find out the truth.

You need a break- I'm talking getting dressed up, hitting a nice cocktail bar and go dancing. Your husband can do the childcare

He's a controlling twat. I wouldn't mention another thing about it and just do what I want. I'd be sure to change my passwords to everything online, too.

No YANBU unreasonable, he is. In a healthy relationship each party should have the trust and freedom to have their own friends and social opportunities as well as mutual ones. I also think it's doubly important for homemakers as they don't get the same opportunities for adult contact that people who go out to work get. I think he's being a dick TBH.

He's being stupidly sensitive.

Bollocks to a lunch. I assume you looked after the kids while he was at his work do? And that it was in the evening? Have a night out. He can look after his kids.

He is not upset about your going out from what I can see but from the implication that he is not allowing you out.

Actually, and from the tone of several replies, the feeling I get is that you are saying that he is controlling, unappreciative, tha the SN job is something he is not involved with and does not understand.

That may or may not be the case. Do you feel that You do all the work, that he does not understand, that your friends are the only ones who do? I would be offended if I got the impression that my DP was talking to his mates about how I didn't understand and that he did the lion's share.

Tal to him. Explain what you meant and it will be fine I'm sure