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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When staying as a guest, your room is your room until you leave?

79 replies

CrystalVision · 27/11/2016 20:19

Just come back from a weekend with the IL's who I generally like and get on well with. But one thing really niggles me every single time we stay.

DH and I share a fairly small room with very little space to put our things, so I tend to just live out of a wheely suitcase and leave things on the bed as I take them out. The room does look a mess with both our combined junk, hair dryers, make up, shoes, pyjamas etc...but I make sure that the room is absolutely spotless when we leave (everything back in its place, bed made, no rubbish)

But every time, without fail, MIL will 'tidy' the room when we go out - folding clothes, repacking my makeup bag, making the bed).

AIBU to think that when you have guests, the room is their room and their domain until they depart? And regardless of whether it's a bit of a pigsty when you're in it, as long as it's returned to its original state on departure, you should ignore the mess?

OP posts:

Astro55 · 27/11/2016 20:46

I leave guests to it! I generally have guests in the kids rooms - so no room for hanging or drawer space - they can leave what they like where they like - I wouldn't want to pry - even to open a window - nor would I make them uncomfortable doing so - is generally like them to come back

SquedgieBeckenheim · 27/11/2016 20:48

I have this problem with MIL. The last time we stayed there she walked in on me half naked as she "didn't think I was in there". There was quite a row about it.
Can you talk to her about it? Explain to her how you feel and see if you can come up with a compromise? Not sure what the compromise would be, as you already leave the place spotless when you leave.

IJustWantABrew · 27/11/2016 20:48

Unless your leaving mouldy food under the bed during your stay I would expect the room to be left alone. She probably thinks she's being helpful. Maybe mention next time that she doesn't need to pop things back in the suitcase, but you will make sure you run the hoover round the room and tidy up when you leave.

WouldHave · 27/11/2016 20:48

Can you compromise with making the bed and leaving your clothes in neatly folded piles rather than putting them back in the case?

EweAreHere · 27/11/2016 20:49

I would have DH ask her to stop touching my things. There's no reason for her to be touching your things and going through your stuff (which is what she's doing) when you're staying there. No reason whatsoever.

If she doesn't like 'mess', she doesn't have to look at it. The door is shut. So have him tell her to knock it off.

cariboo · 27/11/2016 20:49

Maybe I'm old-fashioned but I would never leave my bed unmade or room untidy as a guest in someone else's home.

P1nkP0ppy · 27/11/2016 20:51

I wouldn't go into my guests room unless it was unavoidable but then it's generally the DCs and DDIL visiting so they're making themselves perfectly at home anyway.

Artandco · 27/11/2016 20:51

Surely it's just a few things if your only staying a few days? Your not taking half your house are you? Should be 30 seconds to put something back in bag.
I would find it weird if you left your stuff all over the place, you wouldn't do that at home would you?
If I'm away I just take toiletry bag to bathroom, use whatever ie clean teeth,makeup. Pack back in as I use. Then take back to bag and put in once finished.
I like that I can leave in 2 mins or get straight into bed without moving stuff

ToadsforJustice · 27/11/2016 20:53

I don't think MIL should be tidying the room. She should respect your privacy. Is the guest room DH's old bedroom? Did she tidy up after him when he lived at home?

ummizoomi · 27/11/2016 20:54

I would say she is snooping. My cousin used to do the same to me whenever I stayed over but it was her way of going through all my stuff. I used to leave things in big massive envelopes with cellotape all around it so she couldn't steam open and read my stuff or put locks (triple locks) on my suitcase.

ShelaghTurner · 27/11/2016 20:55

As a kid I used to have to give up my room for my aunt and cousin when they visited and even I knew that, while they had the room it was was theirs. I always knocked if they were in and if they weren't I'd tiptoe in and fetch what I needed without touching any of their things. For the duration of their stay it's their room.

Original poster

CrystalVision · 27/11/2016 20:57

No, but if I'm there for a weekend and I've put my makeup on, I'll leave moisturiser, foundation etc... On the side table to use later if I need to touch up my makeup. I'll leave my hairdryer on a chair with my clothes.

I guess, to me, it doesn't matter how messy a room gets as long as the person staying has the respect to return it to its original state at the end of the stay.

However, next time I'll pack away my bits and see if that makes a difference. It just seems like a waste of time if I'm only going to get them back out again!

OP posts:

BabooshkaKate · 27/11/2016 20:58

Why is there a hairdryer if you're only there over night?

Your DP needs to ask her to stop coming in. And he needs to do this BEFORE you visit next time.

I find this is far more common with older people. My grandmother also tried to "accidentally" walk in on me changing. I shouted at her and my granddad kept her away. Then send tried to argue that there should be no secrets between women in a family!

My.mum also goes through my things "tidying" when I'm not there. Last time she was like, oh I notice you're a size 12 now and not an 8 do you want these shirts of mine... Etc.

I deal by bringing the absolute minimum and shoving it all in a bag so there's nothing out.

SpookyPotato · 27/11/2016 21:02

YANBU. What does it matter if it's messy during your stay, it's not the same as being filthy! Like you say it is returned to its original state. We always end up staying in places without wardrobes with the ILs and live messier than we normally would. A guests privacy should be respected, even if the guest is a son and daughter in law.. She probably thinks she's being nice though. I would get your DP to bring it up in a lighthearted way.

PeachMelba78 · 27/11/2016 21:03

My PIL always make a mess of their room when they stay with us, but I don't feel that it is appropriate for me to tidy up. I hate mess but they always tidy before they leave and I just close the door whilst they're there

BreakfastLunchPasta · 27/11/2016 21:04

YABU, I don't think it's ok to be that messy in someone else's home, it's disrespectful. You don't even make the bed until you leave?

Wigeon · 27/11/2016 21:06

We have exactly the same situation at my ILs - no wardrobe or space for us to put things, so we live out of the suitcase, but the difference is my ILs would never ever come in to the room and tidy up! They might come into the room to fetch something from the bookshelves (it's not just a spare bedroom) but I would be amazed to find my MIL tidying up my stuff. I think it would just never occur to her to.

Sounds odd. Could you ask you DH to say perfectly politely that she might feel she is being helpful but that you really prefer your things left?

Original poster

CrystalVision · 27/11/2016 21:07

But it's not messy, it's not mess, it's our things. I'd say it's more disrespectful to touch people's belongings in a room that's been given to them, than to leave your things not in a specific place which makes them 'happy'.

OP posts:

Wigeon · 27/11/2016 21:09

How is it disrespectful to be messy in the bedroom you are staying in? It would be disrespectful to leave dirty tea cups all over the sitting room, or used tissues strewn on the kitchen table, but leaving your clothes on a table in the spare bed room you are staying in and your toiletries etc next to your bed - surely fine? Surely the ILs would only see the mess if they went in the room to look at the mess?

Wigeon · 27/11/2016 21:09

[that was to Breakfast, not the OP]

FurryLittleTwerp · 27/11/2016 21:10

I agree with you, Crystal - when we stay at my DM's there isn't enough space so we make a mess & return everything to neatness when we pack up to leave.

I think your MIL is out of order going into your room - this is what it is - & interfering.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/11/2016 21:12

Crystal, I agree with you but I doubt you'll stop her. What I would do is just pack one of those plastic crate things, size of a shoebox, that you can just sweep your smaller stuff into - and just dump that in its entirety in your suitcase each morning when you've finished with it.

With clothes, I'd just plonk them back in the suitcase and put dirty stuff in a carrier bag for the duration.

It is annoying though. There's no need for her to do this and it's borne out of nosiness.

bloodyteenagers · 27/11/2016 21:14

A weekend visit isnt an over night stay, even if it was maybe the op washes her hair daily or likes to wash it when it's been wet from rain.

TBH I would start to look at staying in a hotel. Doesn't sound very welcoming. No space in the room for anything, going into the room when your not there and there's probably more stuff. The minimum for guests is somewhere to put their stuff and to give them privacy. Bit harder if they are in the living room, but even then you given them space.

wobblywonderwoman · 27/11/2016 21:15

I wouldn't like this at all. I would get a case with a lock on it. She might be nice but I wouldn't want anyone looking through my undies, contraception or whatever.

KarmaNoMore · 27/11/2016 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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