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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my child should not be wetting herself in year 1

108 replies

user1480243135 · 27/11/2016 11:06

Just putting this in a busier area. My daughter is 5 and in year 1. She wets herself all the time. I'm honestly at a loss, have tried so many different things including the doctor and I'm paranoid what the teachers must think of us. She doesn't seem at all bothered. Has anyone any experience of this?

OP posts:

Heratnumber7 · 27/11/2016 17:09

DD used to wet herself in school regularly. Turned out she didn't like the school toilets I don't blame her.
She eventually developed an iron bladder and didn't go at all between leaving home in the morning and getting home at 4.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 27/11/2016 17:12

Sounds like she craves attention and wetting is potentially another extension of that. That doesn't mean she does not have a continence problem either physical or possibly psychological. Even a psychological problem can be triggered by a physical problem.

How do you react when she wets? And the school? Is it a big drama? Because that might be something to change while investigating clinics and contacting ERIC.

She likes attention, she doesn't respond well to sticker charts and she has little awareness of social norms about wetting. So I'd take away the attention from the behaviour you don't want and start rewarding the behaviour you do.

Does she have firm boundaries generally? How do you discipline her?

Btw I sympathise. I had a child who would get issues about going to the loo at times of stress or change - it was a big control thing that took a while to work out and we still had the odd accident at 7.

MissVictoria · 27/11/2016 17:21

Have they checked to make sure it isn't a problem with her bladder nerve? I have an over active bladder nerve that makes me feel like i need the loo incredibly suddenly out of nowhere, even if my bladder is virtually empty. Its like when you have an infection or you're at bursting point and just cannot hold it any more.
It could also be psychological. I had OCD from the age of 5 about toilets, i'd put off going til the very last second because using them gave me anxiety, its still a major problem now 22 years later. I excessively restrict liquid intake, eat lots of dry foods, won't touch alcohol ,caffeine, juices or carbonated drinks as all have some diuretic effect.
My OCD possibly even started because of an un diagnosed bladder issue. I started complaining i didn't feel "finished" after the toilet, like my bladder wasn't fully empty. Went to the doctor, sent to hospital for scans, because there wasnt any blockage or infection it was dismissed. It could have been a nerve problem even then, and it spiraled way out of control and is the entire focal point of my life.
I'd really go back to the doctor and insist on some sort of testing for things other than just infection, i'm pretty sure it wont go on to devastate your daughters life like a bladder issue did mine, but its better safe than sorry.

winterisnigh · 27/11/2016 17:23

Op it seems there could be so many other things at play here.

Its not going to be straight forward. This is of course in no way directed at you but dh and his DSis grew up in a very strict house, tightly controlled environment and both bed wetters, dh has strange boundaries even now and it seems to me, like the only control he had in his life was over his body...

Original poster

user1480243135 · 27/11/2016 17:30

How do you mean, winter? I am really keen for any ideas that could help, but she's not really a bed wetter. The occasional accident but very occasional. I don't think her wetting her pants is totally accidental - I think she could avoid it if she chose to - but she can't be bothered going and so holds on and then sees no shame in it.

OP posts:

TheLobsterRollPlease · 27/11/2016 17:30

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut I don't think OPs DD is attention seeking, I just think that she is so used to wetting herself that it is actually normal to her now.

HeyOverHere · 27/11/2016 17:40

I do think part of its laziness but no one else's child seems to do it

I was a bedwetter until age 7 or 8, not often but it happened. The most humiliating part was my mother accusing me of being lazy, as if I wanted to sleep in my own urine or something, when I simply woke up and it had happened.

Chances are your daughter is not doing it on purpose. Please, never tell her she's doing it because she's lazy. That can be more humiliating, frustrating, and crushing than the incidents themselves.

mudandmayhem01 · 27/11/2016 17:40

Making my ds drink a lot really helped, I would encourage hiim to drink a lot , a full glass of water or weak squash in one go rather than sipping through out the day. This will make her bladder feel noticeably full. I rewarded my son for drinking 6 cups of water a day and getting changed out of wet clothes as soon I noticed, no punishment for wetting or reward for not wetting. Only reward what is completely within her control, results soon followed!

Mrmoonmrmoon · 27/11/2016 17:50

My dd is almost 7 & very similar. It's almost as if she feels she will miss out on whatever is going on by going to the toilet for a wee so leaves it so late that she will wet herself. She never wets at night. The paediatrician doesn't seem to think it's a problem. Watching with interest to see what helps!

BertieBotts · 27/11/2016 17:56

Is she anxious or doesn't like the toilets for some reason? I used to be frightened of public toilets, including school ones - I think partly noises (flush, hand drier) and smells but also (my school was Victorian) the tall tanks and old plumbing - u-shaped seats! - were a bit scary I still don't really like going into old toilets but obviously as an adult I can rationalise that nothing is going to hurt me.

BertieBotts · 27/11/2016 18:02

But as a child the fear/anxiety was enough to make me avoid them until I absolutely had to go and sometimes I wouldn't make it.

Original poster

user1480243135 · 27/11/2016 18:04

I don't think it is, I have asked her.

I'm glad there are a couple of other children the same. I know it isn't rational but it does really embarrass me.

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 27/11/2016 18:09

is she hypermobile? She may be suffereing from urgency. her bladder may not be telling her brain soon enough that she needs the loo and when it does it is too late. There are other hidden conditions that make wetting more likely too. I know autistic children take longer to toilet train.

you need to meet with the teacher to come up with a plan to manage this. pullups or padded pants. or a toiletting plan. teacher can remind her to go to the loo at certain points. or you can buy her a vibrating watch. ask for a referral to the school nurse.

check out the ERIC website for ideas?

ask the gp for a referral to the enuresis clinic due the the frequencey of the accidents.

is she drinking enough? drinking more will help. (counterintuitive)

This is your child. it is highly unlikely that she is doing it to be naughty. it is a good thing that she is not embarressed.

Original poster

user1480243135 · 27/11/2016 18:10

What is hyper mobile, please? :) I'm pretty sure she isn't autistic.

I do think there is an element of naughtiness. I don't think she is intentionally wetting, but she certainly isn't trying not to.

OP posts:

tiggerbounce77 · 27/11/2016 19:15

Everything you are saying about your little girl is the same as what I was saying about my little girl a year ago. I know it feels like she is doing it on purpose but potentially she isn't and the not seeming to care could be because she knows no different and to her it's normal. Please push to get a referral to find out if there is a medical condition

AliceInUnderpants · 27/11/2016 19:16

BusterGonad: My son is a bit ADD but otherwise quite normal,

I don't even know where to start with your ignorant and ill thought out comment.

MinnieMinchkin · 27/11/2016 19:37

A friend's child was like this in reception and Y1, very similar personality going by your description, now in Y2 is dry. Her mum went through various tests and tried different things, but it may just have been growing up a bit that changed things. Sorry, not helpful but hopefully reassuring...

lilyboleyn · 27/11/2016 20:05

I was a very anxious child and used to have accidents whenever I was scared or when I got told off. Could your little one be similar?

BlackeyedSusan · 27/11/2016 20:09

hypermobile hypermobility is a connective tissue disorder, ranging from extra bendy joints to more serious things. but also effects the connective tissue in bladder and bowel. urgency. sudden need to go to the loo NOOOOOOOWWWWW. (wee) and constipation because the bowel forgets to push the poo along as it should. (that was the for children explanation in a book I caught sight of)

autism was just the other thing I knew about effecting toiletting as I have an autistic child. an example that some other unexpected things cause control issues.

Claireshh · 27/11/2016 20:29

My son was doing this all through Reception. It wasn't a full on flood of wee. Damp pants. I took him to the doctors and he was referred to a Urologist. An ultrasound showed that he had an incredibly small bladder. He is now on Oxybutynin morning and night which has helped lots with the day wetting. No where near dry at night. He is now in year 1 and will be 6 at the end of May.

eddielizzard · 27/11/2016 20:51

go to your gp.

it could be detrusor instability which they can medicate for. basically muscle around bladder isn't relaxed (it should be relaxed unless you're actually weeing). about 3 in 20 kids have it - or so i was told.

user1479745061 · 27/11/2016 21:05

My son was diagnosed with Aspergers when he was 7 and with Complex Sensory Processing issues about 18 months after that. Your daughter's behaviour, especially in the classroom, sounds very like his. He was regularly wet, because his body "didn't tell him" that his bladder was full. He's now 14, hasn't been wet for years during the day, but the school know that if he needs to go to the toilet then he has to go right away. He only realises that he needs to go when his bladder is really full, and he simply can't hold it in for long at all.

It might be worth speaking to the school nurse, or health visitor about the possibility of sensory processing issues, and possibly autism spectrum. My son was a very bright, articulate and engaging child and I didn't suspect autism at all.

user1479745061 · 27/11/2016 21:08

Oh, and it didn't bother him either. There were times when his trousers were almost dry by the time he got home from school, and it was the smell that I noticed first. The sensory processing issues which meant he didn't know he needed to go, also meant that he didn't experience any discomfort being in wet pants and trousers.

paranoidmother · 27/11/2016 21:12

As a TA in year 1 - obviously life would be perfect if every child did everything how they should do but they don't always. We have a couple of children in my class with small bladders and we know to send them more often to the toilet and if they ask it's going to be last minute. As long as the parents send in a plastic bag, change of clothes and perhaps a pack of wet wipes now and then to make it easier for the child (own clothes always are better than school borrowed) we're there to help them grow as much as possible at their own pace.
I always say to the kids to go before break and before lunch at least and those who say they don't need it I encourage to at least try so that when they go outside they don't have to pop back. We also explain whilst returning from break, lunch, music, hall, PE etc to stop at the toilets on the way back rather than coming into class and then asking to go.
I have a friend who had twins - one was dry from about 4 yrs and the other not until 6-7yrs the dr said not to worry the child and it would all be ok in the long run. (obviously did normal checks first but didn't want the child to be self conscious.)
Good luck and it'll all be fine.

marthastew · 27/11/2016 21:26

My son does this. Also 5 and in Year 1. He has sensory processing disorder so cannot feel that he needs to go in certain circumstances. He also has ASD which means he just doesn't get certain aspects of daily life in the same way as other children. It also means he doesn't get embarrassed by it. Please go back to your GP. Start a diary so they can understand the extent of the problem and don't leave without a referral.

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