To not invite this girl round again?

[WinterIsHereJon]

BIL's DP has a DD aged four. She's a nightmare; stroppy, whinges constantly, loses her temper when not getting her own way. Some of it normal for her age, but she's noticeably more difficult than any child I've known at that age. No discipline from her mum, even when she has hit my dcs, broken things etc.

A few weeks ago we invited BIL and his partner for dinner. Evening invitation, didn't mention the child. Our DCs were staying with grandparents. When they arrived, the little girl was with them, in her PJs. Crossed wires possibly, but they were obviously hoping she would end up staying over. She ran riot and unchecked throughout the house for hours. She then through a tantrum as she was leaving and deliberately kicked my dog in the face. I shouted, in shock more than anything, her mum just told her that was unkind and to apologise to the dog they left soon afterwards.

I was furious! Thankfully the dog is as soft as they come and just wandered off to bed looking confused, but that is pure luck and there are no guarantees she couldn't snap. Had she bitten this girl I have no doubt they'd have demanded she was PTS, and I'd have been forced to rehome her. DP and I agreed that we would not have them over again unless things improved with her behaviour.

Since this, MIL has invited them to join us on Christmas Day without asking me first. They are all basically making out that it's me being precious over the dog rather than taking any responsibility for her behaviour, and suggested I send the dog to my mums "if that's the issue". It isn't!! I sense a big family fall out will ensue but just wanted to check whether IABU before making a fuss!

No stand your ground OP and well done on raising a Dog that didn't react your BIL his DP and the little girl were very lucky that your Dog didn't bite her,that is not normal behaviour no matter what they,your MIL or anyone else says to you,we have 5DC,2 of our DC are autistic and we have 3 Dogs they've never ever hurt any of our Dogs and our youngest who is autisic was only 1 when we got our first Dog.

The only time a child was every spiteful to one of our Dogs was one of my great Nephews and he has never been around any of our pets since,he was the same age,no SEN his home life is the same no discipline at home at all sadly and I have tried helping with that for years!

It's your home so your rules,not your MIL's and she needs to remember that,it's so so rude to invite someone else along to someone elses Christmas Day,would your MIL be happy if someone did that to her?!

It's your DH's Mum so I'd get him to do the talking,tell him not to mention the Dog anymore,get him to talk to your MIL about how the little girl is with your DC,he needs to tell her that he and you are not willing to have to watch and look after your BILs StepDaughter all Christmas day.

Good Luck OP

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread.

My favourite etiquette writer suggests in such situations that the reason you give for why you unfortunately cannot invite the family over for Christmas is that the child is very energetic and curious and you regret that you haven't childproofed the house sufficiently to keep her safe.

The fiction is that you aren't banning the child out of fear that she may trash your house, annoy everyone, and injure your kids and dog. It is because you couldn't bear it if the poor little dear got hurt.

Whatever anyone may say to the contrary ("But I'll watch her!" "But your house is safe enough for YOUR kids" "She'll be fine!"), you just keep repeating what a lovely child she is and how dreadfully disappointed you are that it's impossible for you to invite her, and how you could not possibly live with yourself if she came to any harm. Witter on at length about how you wished you had got round to putting up stair gates and ensuring there was no glass she could reach with which she might harm herself, how there may be chemicals you haven't remembered to store safely away, how terribly dangerous your house is, how the front door isn't secure and she might get into the road and wouldn't that be HORRIBLE.

People sill either see right through this (but be unable to have a row with you), or will conclude that you are a well-meaning batty aunt who must be humoured because no one can reason with you.

I think you're being a bit mean OP. Christmas should be a nice family time, won't your BIL feel a bit hurt and excluded

What about the OP, her partner and her kids? Don't they deserve a 'nice family time' too?

Or have they got to have a shit day because the MiL took it upon herself to invite to their house an out-of-control child who kicks dogs in the face, upsets the other kids and makes everyone else's life a misery?

There is absolutely nothing mean at all about what the OP has said. Why should she have to have her family's Christmas made into a stressful nightmare? She's not obliged to be a martyr and put up with this crap. If her MiL doesn't want the BiL to be 'left out' she should host Christmas herself, not expect the OP to do it.

Heck no, get everyone informed that the invitation wasn't extended to them and do it now while they've got a chance to make other arrangements!

Your kids and pets being hit by a child with clearly no parenting happening is going to be hell on Christmas Day. Not worth it, take being called precious instead!

I think it is quite reasonable to say the invite was only for your pil. If your Mil wants to do a big family Christmas, she can do it at her house.
Ds has challenging behaviour because of severe asd and learning difficulties and we only go to houses where we know he is welcome. Any visits to houses with dogs would be short and tightly controlled because when distressed he might grab at a dog (or anyone/anything else nearby).

She sounds like a twat.

Why worry about upsetting them by not letting them join you when they clearly haven't worried about upsetting you or your poor dog?

How many people have been invited by OP?
Christmas on my side is a 60-person event, so it's hard for me to imagine so pointedly excluding someone and making it clear that the dog matters more than family unless you really do mean to be so Rude. Maybe one of those saccharine replies about own failings to babyproof the house will do, I never understand English ways, that's true.

Say the child is not being parented properly therefore the invite is only for bil. If your mil ignored your wishes and still insists then please let mil know that she can host Christmas at her own home. It's hard enough being a parent and hosting Christmas but you don't have to suffer other people's bad behaviour on top.

Why can't you tell BIL what the problem actually is, rather than "it's not the dog"? Just tell him, surely your dh can speak to him truthfully and openly?

OldeTrout

To many of us, dogs are family - plus this child's bad behaviour isn't just confined to animal abuse.

Maybe she is wrestling with huge feelings she doesn't understand, or maybe she's a spoiled little madam - either way she causes trouble and distress.

Olde, do you think excluding people because they don't parent their child adequately is more rude than someone letting their child run riot in the house and hurt a pet?

And where on the rude scale would you place the MIL, inviting other people to someone else's house?

oldtrout the dog IS family the brat is not. Damn right our dogs would be put first too. Always. It's their home.

Get your dh to tell his dm, in no uncertain terms, that your family did not invite the bill family, and wouldn't have done so anyway, due to the child's overall behaviour and she, mil, must do the hosting if she wants to include the bils new family. If he won't tell her, then it's up to you to contact your mil and let her know, now rather than later, that she had no right to invite them and change your families plans to suit her.

No way would I let anyone hurt any of our dogs, and we have two huge Irish Wolfhounds, who are the softest dogs in the world , and a rescue dog who didn't have a good start in life anyway, so that type of child would not set foot in our house again. Feral children need boundaries and this one clearly doesn't have any! The fact that she already ruined a holiday speaks volumes. You are not in the wrong here for wanting to protect your family including your dog.

Furthermore, she spoils things for the other children. No way would I be inviting a child who hit mine into my house, let alone on Xmas day.

YeOldeTrout - just because you have 60 people for Christmas, that doesn't mean everyone else has to. People can do Christmas however they want to. Some people prefer to keep things small and relaxed.

Also, snide remarks about 'putting the dog before family' are unfair. The OP has said that the dog thing wasn't the issue, but just the final straw. The child in question has also ruined a number of family visits, hit the OP's own children and broken their things. The OP shouldn't have to have her own family's day wrecked by having to police this kid's behaviour while trying to cook and serve Christmas dinner, and her MiL has no business issuing invitations to a meal she isn't hosting.

I think you need to tell your dh to sort it out, it's his family after all.
Mil needs to be told not to invite other people family or not and dh needs to tell bil why you don't want the child to come.

yeOldeTrout Do you live in a mansion or a castle?

The dog could be shut up for a few hours if required. The girl is difficult but still just a 4yo. I'm not saying that's fair to dog, but it would be the price of volunteering to host a big diverse group.

And what about the breaking of OP's things and the hitting of her children by the girl? Is that the acceptable face of a 'diverse group'? Is the OP just supposed to put up with it and call it collateral damage for having people round? Here's an idea; how about the BIL and his DP take on board that unless they start to put some boundaries in place for the girl's poor behaviour, then they aren't going to be invited round?

My gran hosts 60ish in a 3 bed bungalow. There's nice weather where she lives so some spill out to patio. The food is obv. on lap buffet style. I'm not saying OP should host 60! I'm saying if she does host a huge group then pointedly not inviting these relatives is well... very pointed.

I wonder if OP will ever tell us how many guests she invited.

Is it possible for you to make it clear that this little girl can only come if some rules are adhered to.
I.e. The child is locked after by her parents and the following has to be done

• they are entirely responsible for the behaviour of the child around the dog
• they are responsible for any broken toys and will have to replace them
• they are to ensure that there is no shouting, running around, creating mayhem when they are there

In effect they are to ensure the child behaves appropriately.

Btw I fully agree that the incident with the dog is just one of the issues. In some ways the easiest one to solve. You can put the dog in a different room for the duration of the meal.

But the breaking stuff, esp on Christmas Day when the OP's dcs will have all their new toys around, is an issue.
And so is the hitting.

In no other situation would someone be told to invite a child that is violent towards their own dcs 'just because they are little'.

Just an aside, is this little girl behaving like this at school too? Does she regularly hit other children, does she break stuff?

The dog could be shut up for a few hours if required. The girl is difficult but still just a 4yo. I'm not saying that's fair to dog, but it would be the price of volunteering to host a big diverse group.

They didn't volunteer to host a big diverse group. Their MiL rudely invited other people to a gathering at their house.

I wonder if OP will ever tell us how many guests she invited.

Eh? What's that got to do with it? It's not about numbers, it's about her MiL inviting people to a Christmas she isn't hosting, and about the fact that a child makes everyone else's day a misery. The numbers are totally irrelevant.

It doesn't actually matter if the BiL 'feels left out', either. He needs to accept that his stepdaughter's behaviour is a problem, and deal with it. It's not up to everyone else to have a shit Christmas just so that he and his partner can have dinner cooked for them while their child hits other kids, kicks dogs, breaks things and throws tantrums. Presumably his partner has a family too? They could go to her family. Or they could offer to host Christmas themselves. Why is the OP responsible for everyone in her and her husband's extended family's Christmas? There must be other people in the family who can stick a bloody turkey in the oven.

I would say you will be setting boundaries for future family get togethers so you need to decide what you do with a view to setting the tone of what you expect in future.
Personally I would not accept this behaviour in my home especially on Christmas Day. I would say no, I invite people to my home. If MIL wants to butter up the new DGC's mother then she can do so in her own home and have then Christmas & Boxing Day. You can then have a wonderful day with your DC & your dog. Visit everyone to swap gifts in the afternoon if you want and home again in time for games, Christmas tv and alcohol.