To not invite this girl round again?

[WinterIsHereJon]

BIL's DP has a DD aged four. She's a nightmare; stroppy, whinges constantly, loses her temper when not getting her own way. Some of it normal for her age, but she's noticeably more difficult than any child I've known at that age. No discipline from her mum, even when she has hit my dcs, broken things etc.

A few weeks ago we invited BIL and his partner for dinner. Evening invitation, didn't mention the child. Our DCs were staying with grandparents. When they arrived, the little girl was with them, in her PJs. Crossed wires possibly, but they were obviously hoping she would end up staying over. She ran riot and unchecked throughout the house for hours. She then through a tantrum as she was leaving and deliberately kicked my dog in the face. I shouted, in shock more than anything, her mum just told her that was unkind and to apologise to the dog they left soon afterwards.

I was furious! Thankfully the dog is as soft as they come and just wandered off to bed looking confused, but that is pure luck and there are no guarantees she couldn't snap. Had she bitten this girl I have no doubt they'd have demanded she was PTS, and I'd have been forced to rehome her. DP and I agreed that we would not have them over again unless things improved with her behaviour.

Since this, MIL has invited them to join us on Christmas Day without asking me first. They are all basically making out that it's me being precious over the dog rather than taking any responsibility for her behaviour, and suggested I send the dog to my mums "if that's the issue". It isn't!! I sense a big family fall out will ensue but just wanted to check whether IABU before making a fuss!

The trouble is, if the child doesn't then adhere to the rules - and I doubt Christmas Day would be the day that it finally clicks into place and a stern word reverses years of bad parenting - what does op do? Evict bil, dp and the kid?

Even kids who are normally well behaved tend to play up on Christmas Day. The child sounds like she hasn't been taught to share or respect other people's possessions and her behaviour sounds appalling, but I'm not convinced Christmas Day is the best time to instigate a new regime, even if bil and DP are on board.

She'll probably be a lot happier in her own house, with her new toys rather than having her behaviour scrutinised - and safer, if her mum and bil don't supervise her properly.

Op will be happier, her kids will be happier. Bil and DP will probably be happier as they wont be so worried about monitoring the behaviour. The only one this arrangement benefits is mil.

Do you think 4 year old is upset about the new baby on the Horizon and playing up? Just wondered if her behaviour has always been like this?

Call up MIL and ask her would she mind hosting Christmas at her house this year as you don't want that child at your house due to the explained reasons. If she says she can't. Then say okay, please let BIL know in the kindest way possible he can't come to ours. Sorry but I must run, catch up soon. Bye!

MIL caused the problem, let her figure it out.

pointedly not inviting these relatives is well... very pointed.

And why shouldn't it be? They let their child run amok unparented and unchecked.

"The dog could be shut up for a few hours if required."

Why should the dog have to be shut away because MIL has issued an invitation to someone who is not wanted there?

She needs to unissue the invitation!

Completely agree with clash. Christmas Day is not the day to start on a behaviour improvement strategy with your own child, never mind somebody else's.

I'm a great believer in not rewarding bad behaviour. I'm not talking about the 4-y-o's bad behaviour in this case, but the MIL's. Inviting someone else without the host's permission is dreadful manners and she really should not get away with it. It's funny that even though the little girl is not a blood relation she seems to be displaying similar behaviour to her step-GM, ie running roughshod over all social niceties for her own purposes.

Someone earlier commented that the mother is getting all the blame here, but the thing is that the OP has only had a chance to observe the mother's parenting, not the father's, and finds that lacking. Whether her father over-indulges her or not, that's no reason for her mother not to make a reasonable attempt to restrain her in company. It appears she'd rather sit there complacently and blame someone else while it all kicks off in other parts of the house. Why on earth should OP and her family be subjected to that?

The OP said, "They are all basically making out that it's me being precious over the dog rather than taking any responsibility for her behaviour,"
That implies that the BIL has already been informed that there is a potential problem with bringing his dp and her child along. Is he seriously arguing the toss over your objections to the plan?

OP, just in case you're still wavering, suppose this child comes round again and once more hurts your dog and she snaps back. I do hope you wouldn't countenance re-homing her in such an event, but if they were to kick up a fuss about it, you'd feel dreadful turmoil. Why take the risk?

Unfortunately since she kicked the dog he has become somewhat wary of young children. I do not think it is fair to have them in the same house as I can't guarantee the safety of either of them.

And don't pay any attention to them talking shit about the dog

I fully understand that plenty of people don't like dogs, and I therefore would never take mine to anyone else's house unless they were specifically invited and welcome. But in my house, that's my dog's home, and anyone coming to visit us has to accept that. I'm not shutting him away in a spare room, nor would I subject him to a child abusing him.

Bil has to be told - preferably by mil. Her mess - she clears it up.

Just say the invitation doesn't extend to BIL, his DP and the little girl. MIL will have to retract the invitation, which she shouldn't have given to begin with. If she has a problem with that she can host Christmas herself.

yeOlde - would you allow someone else to invite a child to your Christmas Day party/dinner/event, if you knew that child was going to be allowed to run riot by their parents, and wasvery likely to hit your own children and break their Christmas presents?

Would that be fair on your own children? Aren't their feelings important? Why do they get to have their Christmas Day ruined by a badly behaved child whose parent won't make them behave and doesn't seem to care about the mayhem they cause?

If anybody that cane to my house hit my ds or my dog they would never get to set foot in my house again

Sod that - Christmas comes once a year and you (and the dog!) deserve to have a nice, peaceful abd relaxing day. Tell MIL she can uninvite them as you were not planning on having a big Christmas. Or better still, get your H to tell her, or to uninvite them, as it's his family.

I wonder if this 4 year is reacting to the current situation her DM has met your BIL and within a year he most likely moved in and they got a baby on the way, it's very fast and it must be unsettling for her and maybe why she is lashing out although her behaviour is unacceptable there must be some reasons behind it.. The problem you got is what happens next year with the baby? Will you be forever forced to have seperate Christmases due to this little girls behaviour? If your DH is close to his DB I would suggest he has a chat and raise the concerns directly rather than going through the mil.

My MIL invited other family members to our house once, it's incredibly rude and I'm afraid DH insisted she un-invite them. That's exactly what I would do here, you, or preferably your DH, need to make it clear MIL has overstepped the mark by inviting someone to an occasion which you are hosting in your home and insist she takes responsibility for her mistake and withdraws the invitation. Put the focus on that rather than the child's behaviour because, regardless of whether they are welcome in your home or not, it was never MIL's place to invite anyone when she is not the host.

Ask your DH to explain to his DM that you have not invited his DB and family over, so she will need to uninvite them or have them at hers instead.

I would have told them they need to remove the DC from the house immediately, and not bring her back until she has been taught how to behave around dogs, for everyone's safety.

I wouldn't leave it to the MIL to undo the invitation TBH. It SHOULD be her, certainly, but I would find it hard to trust that it would be done at all, or that it would be done in a way that didn't make you out to be some spiteful harridan.

Is it just me who thinks that if the dog had reacted the way most dogs would have you wouldn't have this issue of them coming for Christmas?

Sorry OP but I think your MIL is totally out of order for inviting them to YOUR house without checking with you first! I would tell her exactly what you have said here and tell her that you cannot risk any more incidents like this.

I wouldn't put my dog at risk from the twattish behaviour of any undisciplined brat who has learned that kicking a dog in the face is acceptable. Tell MIL that Christmas is cancelled in your house and suggest she hosts the family celebrations.

Have a lovely Christmas morning with your immediate family, which includes the dog. After lunch put your feet up and chill out. If you have a mind to you could always go round to MIL's for an hour or so, knowing your dog is safe in his own home.

When you have had enough of child's twattish behaviour you can make your excuses and leave. Win, win for you. Have a great Christmas OP.

Is it just me who thinks that if the dog had reacted the way most dogs would have you wouldn't have this issue of them coming for Christmas

Aren't hospitals obliged to make phone calls if they admit a child with a dog bite?

Could have had awful repercussions. I highly suspect they'd have been very vocal about their sister in laws rabid aggressive dog...

Do you think 4 year old is upset about the new baby on the Horizon and playing up? Just wondered if her behaviour has always been like this?

That may well be the case, but the reason behind her behaviour isn't something the OP has any control over and it's not the OP's problem. The reason behind the behaviour is immaterial - the end result to the OP is the same whatever the reason: her children get hit, their toys get broken and her dog gets kicked. The child's issues are for her parents to resolve, not the OP.