About partners on the ward after childbirth?

[hullabaloo234]

Booked in for ELCS for breech baby.

Just going through this week's post and find a letter from the hospital about what to do/not do prior to the op, what time to arrive etc.

At the back is a letter for my "support person", with a list of do's and don'ts for their stay on the ward with me after my section.

Sorry, WTF?! I love DP dearly but not a chance do I want him or more importantly a load of other blokes on the ward.

I was already going to discharge myself the following morning but was realistic about staying a bit longer if needed- bollocks to that I am definitely leaving as soon as my catheter is out and I can walk again!

Am I the only person who thinks this is really bloody unreasonable?!

MommaGee - exactly. I was put on a ward with 5 other women who had their little ones with them while mine was down the corridor in an incubator. That was the hardest part for me

Sorry I haven't read the full thread and I know this will not work for everyone but I cannot recommend a private room enough .

in my situation I had a little boy six weeks ago by emcs immediately getting onto the ward I asked for a private room DH could've stayed but I sent him home so he was rested and able to help me with the baby the next day, I had to stay in for two nights he stayed with me the 2nd night and I chose to stay 3rd night to get extra help with feeding. I lived in my own bubble for three days in peace and quiet and was oblivious to how many partners were on the ward. Amazingly I didn't even pay for the room in the end I know not everyone could afford one or they may not be one available but for someone who was particularly concerned about this issue this maybe a resolution

When I had DS1 four years ago I was lucky enough to have a four bedded room again to myself so I've never had to worry about sharing.

It's one and the same. The men are there because there's not enough staff, so how do you think the rules will be enforced?

Yes exactly expat. If it's ok to cite staff shortage as a reason why you want your partner there, you can't then disregard the impact of staff shortage on managing the behaviour of partners who are present.

OP, I think what you are forgetting is that from now on, it won't be just about you: you will have a baby to care for and the needs of that baby will come first. That is what makes it so different from having major surgery under any other circumstances. You won't be able to lie back in bed and relax from your surgery: somebody will need to attend to the baby.

What time you are able to leave the hospital won't just be about when you feel fit to go: it will be about what is best for the baby. Some babies take a bit of time to recover from birth. Mine was still in an incubator for 24 hours after the birth- but not ill or weak enough to be admitted to the NICU ward. Would you really put the baby at risk just because you don't feel comfortable about privacy issues?

If I were you, I would plan for any eventuality. But do remember to take into plans that it will be somebody's job to safely lift 3 or 4 kilos of living human flesh every few hours.

And why should our nurses be tasked with policing visitors 24 hours a day? They have enough to do caring for actual patients and doubling the number of people on the ward is just adding to their workload and making things more difficult for them.

hours minutes

I am appalled at some of the conditions described here. Certainly there need to be more NHS staff on the wards, and not necessarily degree level nurses. One of the problems seems to be that so many caesarians are carried out. Now I know some of the reasons are due to more older and more obese mothers, but I was quite shocked to find out that over 25% of current births are by caesarian section compared to less than 5% when I had my children.

Exactly cory, I would have loved to go home and recover at home. But I was very ill. And needed IV antibiotics and IV fluids, and further surgery and scans. I needed to be in hospital. What I needed was proper nursing care and someone to help me with the baby those first 72 hours when I was so unwell.

My husband could at least help me take care of the baby. He did everything except feed her those nights he was in- changed her, handed her to me, helped me get into comfortable position to feed her. And he could bring me food and water- as I couldn't walk to the kitchen and food wasn't delivered to the bedside. As it happens I was given a side room the second night on the ward so he didn't disturb anyone. And I sent him home the last few nights as I was stronger and he needed some sleep too.

I wasn't a demanding patient. I just wanted my sepsis treated (I even put in my own lines and took my own blood when the nurses were having difficulty!) and someone to help me into bed once when I couldn't walk, and hand me my DD on one occasion during the night (because she slept in 4 hour stretches at night from day 1 luckily!). I know the midwives should have provided this, but they couldn't or wouldn't so for my own safety and that of my newborn I asked DH to stay. And tbh I don't care if that makes me selfish!

So what happens to the women who haven't got someone to stay with them? I won't. If it's the norm presumably there will be less hcp as everyone has their partners there to help. Apart from the women that don't.

Why does the nhs bother to feed people or wash their sheets? A partner or loved one can bring in food and clean sheets and take dirty ones away to wash. So what if some people haven't got anyone to do that for them.

Why do we have cleaners or hca? Anyone could do that. A partner or loved one could fetch and carry and clean around your bed. So what if some people don't have anyone.

Either the nhs provides a good service for everyone or it doesn't. There are so many areas that family or friends could do things instead of hcp on all wards, why should women and babies not get the same care as every other patient in the hospital because some of those women have a helpful, respectful partner who can make up for lack of care?

I'm worried cos visiting is now open all hours 10-8 for everyone, not just partners at the hospital I'm due to give birth in. I just want to rest and recover from elcs not accommodate every other woman's visitors. I'm going to ask for a private room but my experience is last time it was more restful but I was missed repeatedly from ward rounds. Why can't we be treated like patients with the addition of a baby? Everyone kept in these days has medical needs but it's like we're all just having a bit of a lie down after a tiring labour when all those women were kicked out hours before. I'd rather have drs and nurses than midwives tbh ime.

And why should our nurses be tasked with policing visitors 24 hours a day? They have enough to do caring for actual patients and doubling the number of people on the ward is just adding to their workload and making things more difficult for them.

My experience was that I'd have needed a lot more care from the midwives if my DH hadn't been present. For instance, bringing me food and water when I was unable to walk to get it myself, helping me to the toilet and supporting me to have a shower, holding and rocking our baby, passing me our baby to feed, etc...

Out of interest, I hear that the new Royal in Liverpool will have all single, ensuite rooms throughout. I wonder how on earth they will manage to observe and supervise the patients adquately?

I had 3 weeks on a central London ward before having DD. It was unbelievably noisy 24/7, and there were people everywhere, including men.

I had 3 days on the ward after having DD. I would have preferred no men there for me personally.

But for the babies... I could see the men everywhere changing their nappies, holding them, walking up and down with them, bottle feeding some of them, giving their exhausted wives chance to sleep. I couldn't get any colostrum out at first and DP had to milk me like a giant hairy milkmaid so that DD had some milk for the first 2 days until the milk came in.

So on balance, looking back on my experience, I think it's better for the babies as they are even more important than the recovering mothers in my personal opinion, and therefore I am in favour of having partners there.

If I didn't have DD, however, and i was clueless about how impossible it is to have a newborn in the first day or two after a C-section, i would have said the opposite. now i picture trying to change a nappy a few hours after being cut open, or trying to stay awake so that she didn't fall off the bed when she flatly refused to sleep in her cot, or leaving her to sob whilst i had my dressing changed and my blood pressure and blood sugar checked - i would have said the opposite. experience changed my mind!

I know the midwives should have provided this, but they couldn't or wouldn't so for my own safety and that of my newborn I asked DH to stay. And tbh I don't care if that makes me selfish

Exactly.
I truly doubt any mother in pain and unable to take care of her newborn would think about other people's privacy before thinking about her and her baby's wellbeing.

And men don't need to be actively abusive or violent to take up more staff time than they're saving. The partner of the woman in the bed next to mine was a total arse who wanted to be the centre of attention to everyone at all times, and was constantly pulling the staff over to talk at them at length. (That's when he wasn't loudly commenting on the size of the premature baby two beds down, or holding court to his wife and all her other visitors by monologuing away at the top of his voice.)

No way was he saving staff time. And if I'd had to put up with him 24/7 rather than just during the day, I'd have been hobbling out of there in my nightie.

They also have curtains. YABU, the father has every right to be there it's entirely your problem if you are uncomfortable with it.

What a disgusting and pathetic attitude to have.

Why do you think hospitals don't have mixed bays? Why should that change because a baby has been born?

I work in the hospital, those curtains do not offer enough privacy. Especially not when you are talking to medical staff about private matters behind them. If I am behind a curtain talking to a patient I can hear what is going on in the two beds next to me.

Men might not set out to look at leaky boobs and bleeding vaginas, but that isn't the point is it?

This thread has really saddened me. I am shocked that so many women are ok with other vulnerable women being put in a horrible position so they can have their partners there. Such selfishness is not a good trait.

Is it really selfishness to want a newborn baby to be brought to the bed for its feed, U2? Or selfishness not to be able to lift a 5 kilo baby a couple of hours after your caesarian? Or selfishness to want a newborn to have its nappy changed before it gets sore? Or do you actually believe there are nurses there with time on their hand to wait on your every need?

I had my first baby in the days of the well-staffed NHS, but even so the day after my delivery, with stitches after a tear and stitches after an episiotomy, I had to get up and shuffle all the way down the corridor to get a nurse to look at the baby. I nearly fainted.

You work in a hospital. So have you got time to help every post-section woman to feed her baby, change its nappy, settle it, then help the mother to the toilet?

I wonder if the point is that more people should be aware of their partner being an arse. I don't think it's selfish to want your partner there, because of the benefits to the baby. In an ideal world we wouldn't have to make the choice, but if we do, yes I think I would put the new-born's needs above the mother's wish for privacy. Just. It's a very very fine line.

My DP always went downstairs to the public toilet, went home every morning for a shower, and sat quietly in our cubicle or walked DD up and down the corridor to give me a rest. He also slept in an upright chair for 3 nights on the trot because he could see that I couldn't cope without him there.

I must say that I didn't see anyone behaving badly, but some of these stories are appalling. However, if you hear your DH bellowing about someone else's child or calling the staff for his own amusement or needs, TELL. HIM. NOT. TO. BE. SUCH. A. MASSIVE. COCK.

The problem is that the NHS is far too overstretched. There were so many people coming and going on my ward, it was crackers. You'd have to pump billions into it to give everyone a private room for a couple of nights. And whilst that would be nice, is it really so much more important than say ensuring everyone can have new drugs for cancer, or cutting down waiting times for operations? I don't know...

Partners being allowed on the ward all the time is all very well when everyone has their partners there but there will be some women who don't and it's not fair on them. When had DS5 I was on the postnatal ward for 7 days in a big ward with 19 other women and babies. I was on my own for 90% of the time with my DH and other children popping in for 10 minutes every day. My baby was in neonatal for 4 of those days and with me for the last 3. It's probably selfish but I hated that other people's partners were there all day. Hated that while I was shuffling around in agony carrying trays of food and jugs of water around, most of the other women were lying in bed while their partners fetched, carried, changed nappies etc. And that's before we get started on the partners who are rude, leery, abusive etc. I spent most of my time on the ward in tears as it was, I think I would have been a lot worse if partners were allowed to stay overnight. That few hours of respite from visitors at night helped me cope with the day times.

I find that people who want their partners there are willing to put up with other people's partners, but the women who don't have partners there don't want strange men around. I also found the other visitors were worse than the partners. Loud, obnoxious, making rude comments about the other mums, pervy granddads trying to get a look at other womens breasts.

My hospital have introduced open visiting in the day for the whole hospital since I had DS5 (before it was partners all day and other visitors 2-4 and 6-8). I can't Imagine what that's like now, I hope I never find out.

On the postnatal ward we need more staff, more toilets and more privacy. Not more visitors.

temporary totally agree. One of my visitors was really rude to another mum when I had DS3. I wouldn't let her visit with the others, I couldn't risk her upsetting someone else. I just wish others had been as considerate.

Good for you ellie, that must have been hard. If only more people were as considerate as you. It's so disappointing that there are so many twats in these awful stories.

rinceor exactly my reasons, I panic at the thought of not being able to attend to my baby without help after a section. The babies needs must come first

When I had my c-section they didn't even remove my catheter or get me out of bed for 24 hours.

I had DS at 1pm and there's no way I could have coped without DH. The day after his birth my DH couldn't be with me and it was awful. I had a very bad experience of my 3 days in hospital and lots of entwined guilty emotions when I look back and I know that if my DH had been allowed to be with me then it would have been a different story.

I have recently been on a training course with various maternity staff and there were 8 different Trusts being represented and of those 6 of them allowed the fathers to stay overnight. One Trust even had double beds in the cubicles so that both parents could stay comfortably.

Everyone thinks their partner is lovely though which is the problem. How many women post on here about their horribly abusive other halves and minimise the abuse or say they think he's a good dad?

My dh is lovely but he snores his head off and can look intimidating as he's very tall and stocky. If you were stuck in a room with him snoring his head off all night and you were vulnerable and on your own, would you ask him to shurrup? It only works if every woman has someone big and hairy looking after them. It's like something from the Stone Age.

Nobody is denying that what we actually need is more staff. Of course we do!!! But it's not going to happen in the current economic climate. And if the alternative is dropping a newborn baby on its head because you are too weak to lift it- well, it's not much of an alternative, is it?

Perhaps what we really need to do is make more of a stink.

And if the alternative is dropping a newborn baby on its head because you are too weak to lift it- well, it's not much of an alternative, is it?

On the evening of my c-section after DH had been sent home my mucousy DS was in the crib and appeared to be choking on phlegm, he was distressed, swaddled and lying on his back, his face was going red, he couldn't cry and was clearly struggling to breathe and because of my spinal still not having fully worn off and the pain from my c-section I physically couldn't move to help him. I was petrified. I shouted for help and thankfully another father who was still in the bay (as his baby had not long been born) came running over, picked up DS and helped him.

If he hadn't have been there I don't know what I would have done as there were no maternity staff around and there's no way the other new mother in the bay would have been able to get out of bed and help.

I do think that for the safety of the mothers and the babies then partners should be allowed to be there 24/7.