About partners on the ward after childbirth?

[hullabaloo234]

Booked in for ELCS for breech baby.

Just going through this week's post and find a letter from the hospital about what to do/not do prior to the op, what time to arrive etc.

At the back is a letter for my "support person", with a list of do's and don'ts for their stay on the ward with me after my section.

Sorry, WTF?! I love DP dearly but not a chance do I want him or more importantly a load of other blokes on the ward.

I was already going to discharge myself the following morning but was realistic about staying a bit longer if needed- bollocks to that I am definitely leaving as soon as my catheter is out and I can walk again!

Am I the only person who thinks this is really bloody unreasonable?!

I had an elcs with breech baby first time round. 2 night stay, 1st night dh stayed and passed baby when needed, got me water, food and helped me out of bed. 2nd night dh went home to get rested. I was ignored by busy midwives all night- when pishing alery button. Baby cried for 20 minutes at one point and I could have cried too, felt like forever before they came and passed her to me. She also didn't have her nappy changed for 14 hours until dh turned up next morning, despite me asking for help.

Yabu if you don't realise the help is also for the baby. Not just you.

Oh. And we asked for a rivate room but were all taken.

If partners are "just visitors" why are they allowed into the delivery room? Because it is recognised that birthing mothers need that emotional support. Why can't you accept that for some women it is vital that that support carries on?

My DW was not just a visitor. She is my son's mother, she was the first to hold him and the first to do skin to skin when I went into sever shock after the CS, she syringe fed him the colostrum I was able to express when I was too weak to hold him. She was and is my rock and she was what I needed when my mental health fell apart. I had previously been well for a long time, but being forcefully separated from her at that time caused me psychological damage and massively affected my bond with my son. I will never accept that that's ok.

The baby could be discharged with dad?!
FFS

As an equal parent, in the right circumstances this allows mum to rest. Dad is mobile and not in pain which makes it easier for him to look after the little one and it's better than mum being left alone without help with a baby at night.

If there isn't a private room available for me, when the time comes, and baby is well enough to be discharged, its certainly something I'd discuss with the hospital. My husband could provide better care at that stage than I could, and the rest would do me good.

Unless there is choice, which resources don't allow, help - for both mothers and babies, for 10-12 hours overnight, should come from the health service.

and by the sounds of it the call button might be ineffectual anyway.

When I was struggling to feed my DS in hospital via syringe, I was told by the day midwives to call at night when I needed to do a feed. Someone did come, I explained I had to syringe feed DS but was finding it difficult. Her response was, I quote:

"What do you expect me to do about it?"

...and left as I sat shellshocked and alone.

I didn't see another member of staff all night, despite having to make multiple trips to the fridge to get formula, shuffling along in pain hanging onto the wall.

Because OTHER mothers need privacy and to be safe!

That was like my experience Bubbins. It's a disgrace.

Dozer, I know that, I accept that. You don't seem to accept that some women need support. There has to be away to facilitate both needs when they are as vital as they are.

Plenty of mums go home the day after c section. It's case by case.

Personally I would not want men on the ward overnight.its hard enough being in a ward with 3 or more other women and many visitors when you've just given birth. I felt so vulnerable then and very emotional. Spent a lot of time crying and struggling with breastfeeding. I know there are curtains but it feels intrusive having strangers so near you.

Of course I accept that some of us need additional support, just not that this should automatically be in the form of partners (mainly men) on women's maternity wards 24/7, as is the case in many hospitals. Especially when the reason is crappy NHS resources/care.

Bit that's not the reason why a lot of women want their partners there!

No, but it's the primary reason the NHS does, and the result is no safe, private space for ANY of the women.

In the NHS, none of us can demand that our partners stay at the expense of the mental health and wellbeing of other patients.

It is also a way of the NHS removing care by the back door. For those women who do not have a partner who can - or will - stay overnight, that puts those women at real risk.

If your mental health is so bad that you cannot cope without your partner overnight, then you need to speak to your CCG to find a solution so that you can reduce trauma from the birth experience. Overnight visitors is not the way to do it.

perhaps not cold but it is precisely why they are! It's not about support for supports sake, it is about meaning less staff on the ward overnight.

Women staffing awake all night because they can't put their babies down, being unable to feed them, in pain, thirsty, dripping blood, denied pain relief, holding on to the wall for support, crying.

Sounds like a very safe space for women...

Made even safer by male visitors eh?!

When I had DS1, I desperately missed DH at night. The key problem that I was in a poor state after a long labour, EMCS, other health complications and DS needed regular feeds that he wasn't interested in and frequent heel prick tests due to low blood sugars. I was too weak to care for a baby on my own and unfortunately the patient staff ratio was something like 14:1, so there wasn't anyone available to help. I ended up dropping DS on his head as I tried to put him in the crib as my strength gave out with the effort of reaching.

I needed help. If the staffing had been adequate, then I wouldn't have been so desperate for DH.

Partners on wards is a shortcut on staffing basic care, but does have an advantage for bonding. DH had to sort DS in the first 36 hours when I was in HDU, but he gained confidence from being the first to care for his baby. It works for first time parents, but not those with childcare to worry about, or single parents.

Male visitors who are available to help, to fetch the baby, change its nappy, help you to the toilet, make you a cuppa, help you change pads, and fight your corner for pain relief. Basically, a dedicated skivvy to help.

If they aren't willing to actually be useful, then they can leave, but everyone should have the opportunity to have someone with them to help, if they aren't very mobile, it could be partner, or mum etc.

I'm horrified that fathers bonding with babies is prioritised by anyone in discussions about maternity care.

My mental health wasn't poor prior to birth. I had previously suffered with both depression and severe anxiety (separately) but had been well for a long time, hadn't been on meds for years and had been discharged from psychological services. Although I knew I was at risk of PND I couldn't predict the future. I was also a low risk pregnancy so hoped to be in the MLU (where they encouraged partners to stay until discharge) and home shortly after birth. As it was I nearly died, I had seizures caused by eclampsia, my kidneys failed and I was pretty delirious in the hours after birth. I couldn't have prepared for that.

But no. It doesn't fit with the MN consensus, so tough luck to women who, for whatever reason, need (not prefer, not want) emotional support after birth as well as during birth. A private nurse doctor and fucking butler would not have replaced what I missed by not having my DE there with me.

I will always fight for women who feel vulnerable and want a space away from men, whatever the setting. But apparently women vulnerable for other reasons don't matter.

Also, fathers should never ever be in the same toilets as women on a maternity ward. Do none of ye think for a single second before saying this stuff?

Where do you draw the line? No male maternity workers? My consultant when pregnant with twins was male. I had dealings with male sonographers, male nurses. The only difference between them and the man with his partner in the next bed is medical training. Both are there for that woman in that moment.

How ridiculous, it's like comparing apples and pears. One is DBS checked working a shift to care for the patients, the other is a visitor. Saying fathers are visitors isn't downplaying their role, it's the truth in a hospital setting at that time.

I do not tar all men with the same brush I do believe enough men are abusive for it to a) be a worry to be in a small space with several men who are strangers when you're vulnerable, battered, bruised and having female related problem and b) likely that at any given time you'll be in the space with an abusive person. I am not quoting the 1 in 4 and 1 in 10 stats to be mean, these are facts and facts we should worry about.

When I had my babies, both by emergency C section, I would have given an arm and a leg to have been able to have my husband on the ward with me, because there was no other care. The babies were placed out of my reach and at first I was paralysed and couldn't reach them, then once I came round from that, I was in too much pain to reach them. There just weren't staff anywhere to be seen during the night, and when I had my first one, there wasn't even a buzzer to ring for help. It was hell on earth. I'm absolutely certain that the lack of postnatal care after my first birth contributed strongly to my post natal depression.

However, I was truly only thinking of myself. It hadn't occurred to me until I read threads on mumsnet that my husband is a stranger to everyone else and that his presence would have been a serious intrusion on the privacy of other patients.

What we need is not partners on wards, what we need is decent post natal care, with actual staff, and pain relief, and help getting out of bed to go to the toilet if you are in pain etc. The level of care on postnatal wards is a national disgrace.

If my DH can be with us for after my next section, I would be absolutely relieved. With my first I had an EMCS and spent the entire night on the ward sobbing - I was in absolute agony and couldn't do anything for myself, let alone my son. I had to call the midwives for everything and they just didn't have the time, I felt so vulnerable and alone. It was probably one of the scariest nights of my life and definitely affected bonding with my son. The next night the midwives bent the rules as it was a Saturday and they had less staff on and my husband stayed. He did everything for me - fetched me everything, cared for our son, helped position him for breastfeeding, dressed me, showered me, even took me to the toilet (where I passed out from the pain); I could not have coped without him. As for the other women on the ward - our curtain was drawn the entire time and nobody saw him, he was too busy looking after us both to care what the other women were doing. This is what terrifies me about my next - if I can't have him stay, I am petrified about how I'll cope. I'm hoping we can book a private room so he can be there to care for us both, with my parents looking after our son at home.

So long story short I think you're BU and can fuck off if you think you have the right to demand I have to be vulnerable and suffer because the sight of my husband helping care for me and our baby might offend you. If staffing levels weren't so low then it'd be a different story - but they're not and with a c-section I - at least - desperately needed the support.