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AIBU?

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Original poster

Alcohol and baby

95 replies

namechange123456789 · 27/11/2016 07:29

I've name changed for this as I don't want anyone in real life knowing. Please tell me if I'm over reacting.

We have a 4 month old baby and last night I went out for a rare night out with friends leaving the baby with my husband. I got a taxi home about 1am and my husbands friend is just leaving our house. I get in and my husband is drunk, drunker than me and I was the one on the night out. I was absolutely fuming. Am I right that it's just not ok to be drunk when you're in sole charge of a small baby??
I'm annoyed on a couple of counts;
One he just shouldn't have been drunk whilst looking after our baby.
Two he goes out nearly every weekend and I couldn't just have one night off and lie in??
I'm up with the baby after a couple of hours sleep and he's in another room sleeping Angry
I just feel like I can't trust him now to even look after his own son. I felt awful last night that our poor baby didn't even have one sober parent to look after him. If id have known he was going to get drunk I never would have gone out.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange123456789 · 27/11/2016 09:53

misty he obviously has a high tolerance which is obviously not a good thing...
Although I had quite a bit to drink last night (not as much as him) and have been up since 7 looking after the baby.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 27/11/2016 09:55

10 beers won't stop him functioning this morning because he has a significant problem with alcohol and is used to drinking that amount regularly. I lived with a high-functioning alcoholic and just assumed he would change when we had a baby. He just assumed he would carry on. I wouldn't waste years battling it out. It was terrible.

Original poster
namechange123456789 · 27/11/2016 09:56

Toptoe I know, I think what he needs to do firstly is stop with all the nights /days out and make a real effort to plan some nice family time at the weekend. It wouldn't hurt if one day at the weekend he got up with the baby so I could get a couple of extra hours sleep.
I'm going to see what he suggests himself.

OP posts:
SeaDragon86 · 27/11/2016 09:57

It really sounds like he needs to grow up to be honest and stop acting so selfishly. It's not just him and you anymore.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 27/11/2016 10:04

Your DH should have stayed sober. Obviously nothing bad happened but that's not the point - your DH being drunk increases the risk of something happening. He should have been more responsible.

I agree with a PP who says he may be trying to sabotage so that you don't leave him holding the baby in future. Which if true is horrible.

I think you are going to have to talk to him.

Original poster
namechange123456789 · 27/11/2016 10:09

I texted his friend to make sure he got home ok and to say I am furious with dh for drinking so much. His friend says he's really sorry and feels awful for even coming round for a drink now. He's a childless man who is not responsible for our baby though so not his fault. I didn't want friend to think that this is what usually happens in our household, that both parents are drunk. I'm mortified.

OP posts:
baconandeggies · 27/11/2016 10:15

Really unfair and really unsafe. Your partner's drinking habits are unhealthy and if he can't control himself or drink responsibly then he's an alcoholic. Doesn't have to be every day. SS would consider this a safeguarding risk. Please see this as a serious red flag and visit the Al-anon website x

kittybiscuits · 27/11/2016 10:16

I can't imagine why you texted the friend or are concerned with what he thinks about you.

toptoe · 27/11/2016 10:17

Some people do have very different ideas on how to bring up children and who's 'responsibility' it is to care for them. It would be good for him to tell you what he thinks he should be doing. And also what he wants to do. It may be that he has no intention of giving you a lie in or to stop his nights/days out. That's when things could get really shitty in terms of your relationship with him. And you will begin to feel very resentful if you are having sleepless nights and early mornings and he's still living like a childless man.

A bit of honesty from him and also you telling him what you need will be a start. But I suspect you've already been telling him what you want nd need and in return he's carried on going out which is him telling you what he really wants.

toptoe · 27/11/2016 10:18

Yes, I would worry what he thought too as he may well worry about baby's safety. Although in likelihood he would have not done much about it. He wouldn't talk to your dh for starters as he would loose the friendship.

ReySkywalker · 27/11/2016 10:19

Ok so take this as an opportunity to have a good talk.
It sounds like you don't mind doing all the work with the baby but that doesn't mean you should be.
Are all his mates single/no children?
As a parent, going out every weekend, leaving your partner at home and laying in in the morning is selfish and unfair
Going out 3 days after birth? Horrible. He should've been home doing everything he could to take care of you and baby.
Keep your anger and let him see how serious you are, hopefully this will be the start of him seeing things clearly

SheldonCRules · 27/11/2016 10:24

He'd have been shown the door that night and not let back. Living with someone who needs alcohol weekly would be too much for me but doing so whilst in sole change of a child would be a deal breaker.

baconandeggies · 27/11/2016 10:27

He should be informed that the majority of SIDS deaths occur when parents are drunk or high - i.e. not able to intuitively respond to their babies' needs as well..

Of course he's sheepish and apologetic today. He may even turn on the waterworks later.

This is so so serious. Personally I'd be asking him to leave the home and get sober - as in teetotal and going to AA meetings for the rest of his life. He would not be allowed back in my home until he's been dry for at least 6 months.

userformallyknownasuser1475360 · 27/11/2016 10:34

OP not really a great situation to be in, but I would be careful of what had been said here, there seems to be a lot of assumptions on here and I have seen LTB mentioned at least once - the truth of the matter is, only you know the full details of the incident and what your husband is/was like before and following the incident.

If your marriage is so thin that you think this is a Ltd then do it, because it probably is. If there are bigger issues behind it then start looking at them, but no matter what you need to tell your husband your thoughts.

  1. Drinking while caring for the baby was unacceptable and it will not be happening again. Unfortunately as a PP said you will have to leave him alone with the baby to find out if this was going to happen...possibly go out and come back early/get someone else to call while you are out
  1. Has he done this to stop you going out in the future, again only you can decide this, but ask him has he done it, he will most likely deny it, reason being that he either did or didn't do it for that reason, you know him best so should be able to tell.
  1. Is he alcoholic? Only he will be able to tell you that...and if he is he prob won't want to admit it to himself.....you prob won't want to admit to yourself either if he is...but you should be able to tell if there are issues. Things like Al Anon (for family of alcoholics) will help you deal with this (and not by just saying LTB) let me tell you though that if he is alcoholic just telling him to stop is unlikely to work - but remember the mantra - you didn't cause it, you aren't responsible for it, you can't stop it.

Calling MIL? You aren't in primary school, deal with it like an adult, sit him down, tell him the problem and find a soloution together outside influence like this can have the prob of getting people's backs up. Imagine if he didn't like the way you fed the baby and he rang your mother to say so. It might not be a big thing to you but it might be to him. - similar with making him do chores- again is he 14 who had to do chores as punishment?

I think only after you have worked calmly through the problem can you make decisions.

I hope you and DH work it out.

coconutpie · 27/11/2016 10:59

I think I would be calling MIL - keeping this hidden will not give him the kick up the arse he needs. He should be ashamed of himself.

user1471950254 · 27/11/2016 11:03

OP you are not being unreasonable as your DH should not have been drunk in charge of a child. If there was an emergency he would not have been able to react to it. Massive difference between his friend coming over & them getting drunk!

Please do not contact MIL, it's not her place to "get him in trouble". You are adults and parents so need to deal with these things as such. I also think it was inappropriate to text his friend so suggest don't engage further if something like this happens again.

Have you two spoken yet today? I think his frequent drinking sounds concerning & it seems possible he is over-reliant on alcohol. Perhaps suggest his GP-AA etc for support?

Trifleorbust · 27/11/2016 11:05

Ten beers in charge of a small baby is deeply irresponsible and quite dangerous . 4 beers wouldn't bother me quite so much if they were the little 1 unit variety, but most cans are 2 units and that is the same as a weak bottle of wine. Ten beers? Jesus.

Ditsy4 · 27/11/2016 13:02

Let's hope it is a one off and he comes to his senses. I don't think you are to blame at all you had made arrangements and thought he was trustworthy. I wouldn't risk it again if it was me. I am quite happy not to have a drink if the company is good though. I think this needs to be a wake up call for him and possibly some help. Good luck and I would make a list of jobs just now that might need doing. Enjoy your precious baby.

Isitadoubleentendre · 27/11/2016 13:13

Ten beers? Wowzers, I'm fairly relaxed about alcohol and kids, (am not one of these people who wont touch a drop if they are going to be within a 3 mile radius of a child!) but that is completely ridiculous. And if he wasnt a) completely hammered and b) seriously hungover the next day after that amount, then his tolerance is so high that he must have some sort of problem with alcohol.

IrregularCommentary · 27/11/2016 13:28

I'd be furious. We have a 3 month old and I have no issue with dh having a drink, but if he's in sole charge of dd then I expect him to be in a fit state, as he does me. I'd be having a serious conversation about why he thought this was ok.

Not sure what calling MIL would achieve. He's not 6, he doesn't need telling off by his Mum.

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