Alcohol and baby

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I've name changed for this as I don't want anyone in real life knowing. Please tell me if I'm over reacting.

We have a 4 month old baby and last night I went out for a rare night out with friends leaving the baby with my husband. I got a taxi home about 1am and my husbands friend is just leaving our house. I get in and my husband is drunk, drunker than me and I was the one on the night out. I was absolutely fuming. Am I right that it's just not ok to be drunk when you're in sole charge of a small baby??
I'm annoyed on a couple of counts;
One he just shouldn't have been drunk whilst looking after our baby.
Two he goes out nearly every weekend and I couldn't just have one night off and lie in??
I'm up with the baby after a couple of hours sleep and he's in another room sleeping
I just feel like I can't trust him now to even look after his own son. I felt awful last night that our poor baby didn't even have one sober parent to look after him. If id have known he was going to get drunk I never would have gone out.

yeah I think this is pretty serious and it would be raising red flags for me.
He must have known I'd have had a problem with it as well as we'd had conversations about how much alcohol is ok to drink when looking after a baby.
This suggests he has planned to drink which indicates that the drinking is taking priority to the childcare which is dangerous. I would reagard this as a LTB issue if he doesnt take responsibility and 'own it'.

what the longer he stays in bed the less I've got to look at him. I don't even want to speak to him

That's shit OP, I'm sorry.
How is he generally with the baby?
Going out every weekend is not on, do you ever get a lie in?
Do you think it might be a case of him thinking you're the main carer - that he was just babysitting and as soon as you came home you'd be back caring for the baby so 'what's another can'

Send him to his bloody mothers, that is what I'd be doing. I'm so angry for you and your baby

I'd have been livid. There needs to be a responsible and sober adult in charge of children at all times whether that is a parent, grandparent or babysitter. The agreement last night was that this was your DH. What a total knob. Show him this thread. Tell him he is an irresponsible fuckwit. What if DS had been ill? Would DH have been sober enough to deal with it or even notice??

Generally I would say he's great with the baby but I've clearly been kidding myself. I don't ever get a lie in but I don't mind usually as I go to bed at 10 and the baby goes straight back to sleep after his night feeds and is generally a joy to be around, well natured and not hard work.
Thinking back, he went out when I'd been home from the hospital 3 days after a horrible delivery and a baby that wouldn't latch. What an idiot I've been.

Sorry, OP, it sounds very like he has an alcohol problem.
How long do you want to put up with it?

I think you have to go beyond the screaming rage here which would be my first reaction- to severe cold light of day what could have been repercussions. I wish one of us could be there to give massively unmumsnetty hugs. I'm getting chills just thinking of you must have felt coming home. I think for me he's proven that he can't just have 'just a drink' and if he were ever to have sole care again then it would be under provisio that no alcohol was involved.

You're not an idiot. Alcoholism is sneaky, you don't realise the extent of it until something big happens like this. Then you look back and see all the instances of when he made poor 'choices' to the detrement of you and the baby.

I would set out what you need from him. If he's unwilling to accept responsibility for what he is doing, he will never tackle it. You will have to take steps to ensure baby is looked after when you're out. Call his mum and say 'he can't look after baby because he gets very drunk, so can you look after them?' then his family are aware of the problem too.

But there is nothing you can do to help/change him. Nothing. All you can do is hope he knows and chooses to seek help or sort it out himself.

Does he get angry/aggressive when drunk or hungover? Is he shouty or rude to you?

Only asking because I had a relationship like this with dc's father and he was not nice when he was sobering up and would get increasingly nasty the more I challenged his behaviour.

I'd be sending him to go stay at his mother's I'm afraid. Obviously his drinking and socialising trumps both your right to the occasional night and worse, it trumps your baby's safety.
A pissed person is NOT capable of looking after a small infant. I struggled to make formula up correctly when just tired so god knows what a drunk would be like. Incorrect amounts of formula or God forbid, still boiling hot water! And handling a baby while drunk? I shudder to think what could have happened.

Personally I would be beyond angry. I wouldn't even be able to scream and shout.

toptoe he's not an aggressive person at all, he's an affectionate drunk. He was very sheepish last night, we don't tend to have blazing rows so he knew how upset I was by the fact that I was even shouting at him.

He needs to promise me he won't be drinking for the foreseeable and really change his ways or this could be a deal breaker for me. I love my husband very much but our son has to come first.

That's a good start then.

He's going to find it hard kicking the habit. At the beginning it's not really a choice to drink, more he thinks he needs to if that makes sense. It might be he had no intention of drinking so much but the old habit kicked in. It's not an excuse at all, just that is how the body of an addict works. It over rides logic and sense that tells the person to stop because the baby needs him to be sober.

If he's reasonable he'll understand what he needs to do and not make any excuses. If not, he'll be telling you you're overreacting etc and you will have a row then. I hope he sees sense.

I hope he's suffering from a terrible hangover today and has time to think about his actions!

He's up and in the shower....

On top of our serious chat I'm going to make him do the chores I would have been doing this morning as I'm bloody shattered

I had an ex like him prioritised drinking at every occasion.

Needless to say current partner doesnt drink.

Go out for the day. Solo with baby.

He has a drink problem. That is clear because he lied and tried to pass it off as 4 beers when he was shitfaced. You cannot leave the baby with him. As much as I would feel tempted to shout and punish him, it's far too serious for that. How I see it, he's jeopardised his position as a parent and partner. Do not get into a pattern of alcoholism/co-dependency. Don't get the rage. Let him tell you what he intends to do. And if it's not good enough, tell him to leave. This is one shit life right in front of you if you shout and tell him off and he promises not to do it again...until the next time.

What the fuck? I would be fuming - what an irresponsible, selfish bastard. I would send him to his mother's and either he reconsiders his attitude to drink or you reconsider your relationship.

He definitely is an alcoholic, by the way.

Not acceptable at all!

We have an 18 month old and an 8 week old and if one of us is looking after them then it's a one glass policy, one drink that's it. It's always been that way even with just the first baby.

I think this raises other red flags. Why is he going out every weekend when he has a very young baby at home? Is he continuing to live the life he had before baby? It's such a massive life change when you become parents and it can be hard to lose a lot of your freedom but you have to adjust. Do you feel you're the one making all the lifestyle changes?

Parenthood is a partnership and this sounds very one sided.

It can take some people longer than others to accept the changes that need to be made but I would start putting down some rules (for use of a better word) otherwise it will always be this way.

I have to say that he's still being selfish as he hasn't got up to relieve you, but to have a nice shower. Which is not something you can do unless the baby is sleeping. Is he still taking the piss or what?!

He was probably scared to face me. Although I have had a shower, I just take the baby in his bouncy seat into the bathroom.
He's saying he's really sorry, knows he was wrong, won't happen again. I'm still not speaking to him so he's running around doing jobs while I cuddle the baby.

If he really had 10 beers would he be able to be up and functioning this morning? That is a huge amount to drink. He will certainly still be pissed/over the limit for driving.

Maybe he overestimated? Not that it matters. He was not capable of caring for a baby adequately. I would be furious too.

It's hard because it's not something he can prove won't happen again unless you leave the baby with him again.

How will you know?