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AIBU?

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Original poster

School sends 10yr old DS home to empty house.

126 replies

khaleesi71 · 25/11/2016 10:27

I work 50 miles from home and DH is SAHD. Yesterday DS was to go to an after school club until 4. However he 'hurt' his ankle and said he didn't want to do his activity. I say 'hurt' as our old cat was put to sleep this week with little notice and he's been sad and clingy (understandably). The school know this. As DS was not due back until 4 he was out on some errands. Unfortunately the area has a dreadful signal and there are some complete black spots so he did not see the 4 missed calls from the school. When he emerged from the black spot he picked up a message to say 'Finlay didn't want to do his club, he's hurt his ankle and we've sent him home'. To an empty house. DS was scared and upset but had the sense to take himself to a friends house and they wrote a note to put through our letter box so DH knew where he was when he got home. DH had come home as they were doing this. We have complained to the school and asked for their policy on this but I'm so cross that they put DS in this vulnerable position. Is this normal practice? I can't understand why they didn't keep him in his (paid for) after school activity whilst they contacted DH - who would have picked him up at 4 anyway.

OP posts:
golfbuggy · 25/11/2016 16:16

I see that the school have apologised but this is an interesting grey area.

My DD is also 10, and in this situation I would have had no issue with her walking home and letting herself into the house. It sounds like the difference is that DD has a phone so would call to let me or DH know, and she has a key to get in (although someone is normally in when she gets home). DD also knows that the onus is on her to say "actually I'm not allowed home on my own" - which is something she did in Y4 when a club was cancelled and we'd somehow not been told and making the school aware there is a problem.

However, I say "grey" area because in less than a year's time this child will be at secondary school and the school will expect HIM to manage things like last minute cancelled clubs.

Original poster
khaleesi71 · 25/11/2016 16:57

As has been pointed out by me several times and PP he is allowed to walk home on his own. Having a small amount of common sense means we both understand that walking with friends (for company and feeling of security having seen something unpleasant previously) is preferable but isn't something we can control. He is as road safe as any 10yr old can be. So we know that he may walk home after school on his own. At the normal end of the school day DH is there so no need for a key (until now). He was sent out of school with an injured foot to walk home alone to an empty house. He was upset and clearly didn't feel able to speak out to say he shouldn't go home. He would've assumed that DH was home and the school hadn't mentioned that they couldn't get hold of him. This was an example of poor comms on the schools part and they accept that.
I am slightly bemused at the perfect parenting and empowerment abdication with some responses. Despite our frustration with the school we have really learned from the experience and it has made us realise that he's growing up and we need to adjust to that. 

OP posts:
EnormousTiger · 25/11/2016 17:58

I don't think the school was right at all. My 10 year olds started to walk home alone ( 3 minute walk literally) and the school emailed me saying I must grant express permission - just about no other children walked to and from school at that age alone! Mine were always together and it was 3 minutes on 2 very quiet roads.

They should not have sent him home particularly as he coudl not get in. Could he not have said - hang on I don't have a key? No one will be home? Why didn't he say that?

bigbluebus · 25/11/2016 18:04

I think from your DSs point of view he probably did assume your DH would be in. My DS still assumes that sometimes and he is 19!

I don't think you were being unreasonable at all OP. I'm glad the school have admitted that they failed to implement their own policy. YOu had paid for him to attend a club until 4pm and had every right to expect that they would keep him there until that time unless they spoke to a named contact first.

trappedinsuburbia · 25/11/2016 18:20

Try and use it as a learning curve.
My ds (11) has a cheapy mobile and house key for these kind of situations, it means he can contact me at any time if anything (like this) were to come up, it will give you and your dh some reassurance as well hopefully.
He's only had to use his key once and was only in for about 20 mins himself in the year or so he's had it.

DiegeticMuch · 25/11/2016 21:49

Sorry about your cat :-(

You've paid them for an onsite club until 4pm. It is therefore reasonable to expect that DS would be on their premises at 4pm, not on your doorstep pushing a note through the letterbox!

But he handled it well. He'll be fine at secondary school.

ReallyTired · 25/11/2016 22:02

I think sounds like you have a mature young man. I feel the issue is that you should know where your son is. You need to be able to make contact with him in an emergency. It's a reasonable expectation that if you pay for a child to an after school club they aren't sent home.

Fresta · 25/11/2016 22:13

Year 5 and 6 are allowed to walk home alone from our school. School don't ring and check every day that a parent is there. School left a massage to say he wasn't attending after school club and your son is old enough to say if he thought he should wait at school, or just deal with the empty house thing like he did by going to a friends or back to school.

It wouldn't be dark if it was before 4pm Hmm

lightupowl · 25/11/2016 23:00

"I am slightly bemused at the perfect parenting and empowerment abdication with some responses. "

khaleesi, I don't understand exactly what you mean by this, but hope that you don't feel attacked by mine or similar responses which emphasised confidence building. I think that many of us would have realised that our perspective was unhelpful if we'd known that your context involves a recent encounter with a sex offender (bloody hell how awful!)

I see 10yos looking after themselves after school as normal and safe because it is normal where I live. But that's my context, which I now see would have been better not to mention.

Glad to hear that you are taking all the positive things that you can from this situation and moving forward. Your DS sounds like a very sensible chap.

Original poster
khaleesi71 · 25/11/2016 23:09

No lightprowl - not at all but some of the judgey responses based on one persons concept of reality are a bit Hmm - I am asking for views and differing perspectives rather than admitting I'm a bad parent!! GrinGrin

OP posts:
lola111 · 25/11/2016 23:27

My kids secondary school would not do this, let alone primary.You need to mention it to the school so they can make sure their staff are clear on proper procedure for children dismissed earlier than expected.

SirChenjin · 25/11/2016 23:37

Wow - that is dreadful of the school. YANBU at all.

Itsallgoodimtold · 25/11/2016 23:43

If the ankle injury occurred during normal school hours presumably they wouldn't send him home without parent contact as there may be no one at home. After school agreed club is exactly the same and in terms of safeguarding this is a major fail

TanteJeanne · 26/11/2016 18:03

Even if he is allowed to walk home alone, they shouldn't have sent him on this occasion, without confirming with a parent, because he was coming UNEXPECTEDLY EARLY. No guarantee anyone would be at home if he wasn't expected until later. And this is what happened.

Tomhardysmistress · 26/11/2016 18:44

OP I see where you are coming from and I would be just as annoyed as you were.

The school were being paid to be responsible for your DS until 4pm. The fact that they could not get hold of your DH should absolutely not have been a green light to send him home..instead they should have (correctly) assumed there was no one home.. And they should have kept him there reading or whatever. And why didn't they attempt to contact you?
Even my 15 year old DS is at high school and we are given advanced warning of any earlier finishes ( we get a text and email from the school a few days in advance) If there are any unplanned earlier finishes, he is not allowed to leave the school premises unless he has been signed out by a parent/guardian.

sj257 · 26/11/2016 19:03

That's so out of order. My daughter is 10 and would have been frightened too.

ChaosAD · 26/11/2016 20:15

I've had a mix up about who was due to pick my son up. The school called both me and my husband, and kept my son at school til I arrived. Not on to send your son home, and totally unnecessary when there were after school clubs on. He could easily have sat and read a book or done some homework.

Scichic · 26/11/2016 20:27

Easy to find a crossing, and use them. However my DS, age 9 at the time, was run over on a crossing by a driver who ran the red. So YANBU OP, because we can do as parents should, but that doesn't mean the rest of the world are on the same page

neveradullmoment99 · 26/11/2016 20:40

It doesnt matter if he normally walks home from school. They have a duty of care. If not the school, the after school. That is outraggeous. I would be taking it further. YANBU

TheExecutionerQueenMortificado · 26/11/2016 20:46

"The school were being paid to be responsible for your DS until 4pm. The fact that they could not get hold of your DH should absolutely not have been a green light to send him home..instead they should have (correctly) assumed there was no one home.. "

This. The walking home alone or with friends is not as relevant as the point that they had assumed care until 4pm, which they cancelled without actually speaking with you,

Glad the head apologised!

Purple52 · 26/11/2016 20:58

I think the school accepting breech of their own policy screams volumes that you have a right to be angry about this OP!
Seriously I'd consider notifying OFSTED and/or formally writing to the school governors. I'm sure the school will open a formal investigation/disciplinary. But it won't hurt to make your point formal.
Thankfully you have a happy ending apart from being pissed off but the school could not have guaranteed that & should face consequences before another child isn't so lucky.

Purple52 · 26/11/2016 21:01

...& growing up or not - it's your decision as a family & not a school administrators error that should decide when your son is out and about alone!!!
Though I'm glad & impressed you're drawing positives from the experience ordeal!

M00MINMAMMA · 26/11/2016 21:31

YANBU at all! I would be fuming. The school has a duty of care.

Can't believe people are saying you should learn a lesson from this etc. The school was in the wrong. End of.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 26/11/2016 21:34

YANBU
I've got a 10 year old (in Yr5), and I would have been furious.
However, my DC's school would never have done such a stupid thing in the first place, as they are very strict about pick-ups/safety.

StarUtopia · 26/11/2016 21:38

The school shouldn't have done this.

However, surely by 10/11 he should be capable of going home alone ??! I was walking to school on my own and back from the age of 7 (yes, yes, I know times were different blah blah) and I was perfectly capable of crossing two very busy main roads.

I do worry that we don't give children any independence these days and therefore they don't learn how to look after themselves. We're happy to give them the internet, but not to cross a road. It's ridiculous.

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