School sends 10yr old DS home to empty house.

[khaleesi71]

I work 50 miles from home and DH is SAHD. Yesterday DS was to go to an after school club until 4. However he 'hurt' his ankle and said he didn't want to do his activity. I say 'hurt' as our old cat was put to sleep this week with little notice and he's been sad and clingy (understandably). The school know this. As DS was not due back until 4 he was out on some errands. Unfortunately the area has a dreadful signal and there are some complete black spots so he did not see the 4 missed calls from the school. When he emerged from the black spot he picked up a message to say 'Finlay didn't want to do his club, he's hurt his ankle and we've sent him home'. To an empty house. DS was scared and upset but had the sense to take himself to a friends house and they wrote a note to put through our letter box so DH knew where he was when he got home. DH had come home as they were doing this. We have complained to the school and asked for their policy on this but I'm so cross that they put DS in this vulnerable position. Is this normal practice? I can't understand why they didn't keep him in his (paid for) after school activity whilst they contacted DH - who would have picked him up at 4 anyway.

Honestly, I'd use this as an opportunity to build his confidence. Maybe give him a key, tell him how well he handled this situation. He did exactly the right thing and sounds like a sensible kid. It would worry me that he was upset and scared

This. I would also be worried that he was so upset and scared by walking alone, so use it is a perfect opportunity to build his confidence

Did they not have more than one 'emergency contact' number - we have to have 3 (so a friend or neighbour too). They should have tried all the numbers until they got a response and instructions - your DH could have had an accident etc. DD1 did an after school activity (free) at that age and forgot to go, came home without telling anyone - I didn't know she hadn't told anyone and I got a call asking if I knew where she was.
My 9yo walks home alone (as do younger children - but we are really close to the school and it is common here, small community and parents keep an eye out for other children eg when DD was younger I saw an older child fall off their bike and phoned their parent so they could come and get them...and stayed with them till they arrived) but she knows if for any reason I am not home to go back to the school office as they can contact me/will know if there is a problem.
I do have to say though your DS has to take some responsibility for himself at 10 - he'll soon be in secondary school where (IME) the staff are much less attentive.
Our secondary is 10+ miles away and lots of DCs go on school buses...when they were doing their transition days (visits to secondary in the last weeks of primary) a friend's DC got the wrong bus home ended up 5 miles away from home. She was the only one left on the bus and the driver helped her - dropped her off outside a friend's house he was going past on the way back to the depot. She phoned her mum from the friend's house. Her mum had realised she was 'missing' -wasn't on the bus -it takes an hour or so- so she phoned the school at 4.15pm who weren't at all helpful and said she should phone the bus companies (several different ones do the school buses). No-one was answering/could help at the bus companies -so the mum phoned the school again and got the answer machine -yep 4.30pm finish - they'd gone home! With a missing just turned 11yo girl...
(mum got the girl a cheap 'emergency' mobile phone ...her posh one had been out of charge)

I don't think it was at all surprising he was upset & scared. He's not allowed to walk home alone, he's not done it before, it was dark (possibly raining & blowing a gale, it was here at that time yesterday), he didn't have a key, he didn't know where his Dad was. He did well, he went to a friend's AND had the sense to write a note to put through the door (though that might have been prompted by his friends parent).

Yes at 10 I was walking home alone, well - not even alone, with my younger brother (6) to look after. But it's a different situation now and that's what I was saying in my previous post. We are mollycoddling them ALL too much & it needs to change. They're not being given the opportunity to learn to look after them selves, to think for themselves, to grow.

At my DD's school there are permission slips for the school clubs and you have to tick a box to say that you will collect your child or whether they are able to walk home by themselves.

This is a difficult one - he had obviously missed his usual friends and your DH was out (which was reasonable because he thought he didn't have to be home). I assume your DS wanted to come home though, otherwise he would have stayed at his usual club.

You must live very close to the school though to get home that quickly! Presumably your son could have also walked back to school if there was no-one else around and hopefully it wouldn't have been that dark before 4.00pm. How long was your son on his own for?

I am not sure the school have done a lot wrong. if he normally walks home, abeit with friends, and he knows he isn't allowed to walk on his own, I wonder why he did so. Surely he could have sat himself somewhere and waited?

On the face of it, their crime was to send a child home, at normal going home time ( or just after) have tried 4 times to contact your husband.

if your husband was expecting to collect him at 4,He cant have been upset & scared for long

I'd put more energy into making sure your son knows what to do in these circumstances that checking the school policy.

Walking home with friends of the same age is more or less the same as walking home unsupervised IMO.

But unlucky given they aren't being brought up like that, I'm appalled that the school reacted like that on a transition day. Lucky the driver was a decent bloke & helped her (I bet he was worried about getting into trouble for doing so though) and lucky she knew a friend lived nearby.

This is why a neighbour needs to be a key holder, or a key needs to be hidden somewhere discreet on the property, so a sensible 10YO can let themselves in and watch TV and get a glass of milk until an adult arrives.
Not the end of the world.

As a teacher myself I feel that the school should have kept ds at school until a parent or guardian had been contacted. That's what I would have done. I think it's irrelevant whether the child is allowed to walk home alone or not, the fact is the school is responsible for the child and shouldn't send them home without knowing if they can get into the house or if anyone will be there. 10 year olds shouldn't really be home alone in my opinion. Op, well done to your ds for being sensible and going to a friend's. Definitely complain!

No its normal practice. My dcs school would never let children go back home on their own wo checking that a parent is here (and OK with it - eg because its dark).
Im also by the idea of sending a child back home walking when the issue is that they have hurt his ankle. Unless they knew fully well the issue wasn't the ankle in which case they could also have waited until they had got hold of his dad.

But YY about maybe giving him a key and building his confidence but I suspect his issue was more about the fact there was no one at home when he arrived?

"10 year olds shouldn't really be home alone in my opinion. "

user can I ask why you think this? Do you think that it should be a blanket rule?

Genuinely interested, as it is quite normal where we live for 10yos to get home alone, let themselves in, have something to eat and crack on with their homework for a short time. It takes practise but the OPs son sounds pretty sensible. I think that many 10 year olds would cope with this.

Look hes 10,all this mollycoddling and your overreacting will make him more scared.Get him a key so it it does happen again he can at least get in his house.

The school contacted your dh,its not like they flung him out the gate.I think praise him and build his confidence because hes getting older,hes going to be in the house alone sometime.Better teach how to do it properly.

If he is allowed home usually without a parent collecting him, then the school's policy will be just that. he is allowed to leave school unaccompanied.

your ds is old enough to realise that he doesn't have a key and isn't expected home until 4 and that he shouldn't just head home.

he'll be in secondary school this time next year. time for a bit of responsibility. the school can't manage a whole ream of "he can leave school with friends but only on x,y,z day". It is either accompanied or unaccompanied.

If he is allowed to walk home alone, I don't think it is the school's responsibility to make sure he walks with friends - that is your private arrangement and can't be guaranteed. I also don't think it is that bad that he walked with an injured ankle. He could either walk on it, or not. The only thing I think is a bit dodgy here is that he would normally leave school after the club and he left before 4pm, so the house was empty when he got home. Did they allow him to go, or did they tell him to go?

Thanks for reporting inadvertent detail of DH and for your responses generally.

For context - DS and friend were exposed to by a know perv over the summer, which probably explains why he was scared. He's fine in the day time and with friends but not in the dark and on his own. He is still 10. Perv apprehended by police. You wouldn't have known that but we set boundaries and rules based on his and our experience of our local area. He is also upset about the cat so a little more sensitive than usual.

We praised his response and actions and have gone over what he can do in the future.
The school have my number(s) and email details and did not try and contact me.
It was a learning event for all of us, but thanks to those who have taken the time to respond in a constructive way.

YANBU. I agree with user1472. If the school knew he was expecting to be collected from his after school club, then sending him home without a parent knowing is not good. Leaving VMs and Text's are just not good enough. If he was told by the school to go home on his own, he probably thought it was alright.

You should commend your DS for being so sensible in going to a friends house and leaving a note.

I would check what end of day leaving permission the school think is in place. At our school it is either wait to be collected by approved person or leave on your own. The "leave on your own" children are then responsible for how they go home, on own, with friends etc. There isn't an option for "leave with an approved group of other children".

Also, with our after school clubs all the children doing the club have to be where the club is. So if it's craft club, everyone is in the hall, if it's running club everyone is off the school premises. Mine doesn't do sports clubs so I don't know the arrangement for having a child at the club who isn't fit to be out with the others. I would check what arrangements your school have in place to manage that situation.

Oops xposting!

It seems odd that he was sent home without talking to a parent. I would have thought a usual response would be to have him sit and watch the activity if he didn't feel he could take part but didn't require medical attention.

Generally 10 years old is considered old enough to walk home alone, but you have extenuating circumstances (which would have been helpful to mention in your op).

They really should check that there is someone home before sending children home at primary shouldn't they? Does he have a key? at 10 I would have been fine at home as I was left alone from a young age but every child is different.

Sorry - no intention to drip feed. Felt post was already long!

Mistletoetastic: Not if the child can usually leave school unaccompanied, no. It's the parents' decision whether the child has a key and whether they can be at home alone, as well as whether they are allowed to leave unaccompanied.

Oh goodness, that context makes all the difference khaleesi. But I hope that this will be a confidence-boosting experience for him in the long run anyway.

If he leaves after the normal school day he can walk home. Our private and preferable arrangement is that he does that with friends. He can cross the road safely and was allowed to walk home because he could demonstrate that to us.

He doesn't have a key - he hasn't needed on / until now. The positive thing about MN threads is that it challenges your views and forces you to look at how you could do things differently but you have to ignore the judgey perfect parents who never do anything wrong ever. As PP have said, he will be at secondary next year and DH and I will now look at how we are preparing him for that. Possibly guilty of not wanting him to grow up too quickly!!
I think the bugbear and complaint stems from when he is at an after school club the school expect us to collect him and we have to inform them explicitly if there are changes to this. We're frustrated that they seem to have decided to ignore this now he can walk home and changed the goal posts without telling us.

!!!News just in as I was typing this - FWIW the head has contacted DH to apologise profusely for their breach in policy. They will review this now and whilst glad that nothing happened the school did not communicate with us in the way they should have done.

So, no harm done (thankfully): we and the school and DS have learnt from the experience.

It seems quite clear to me that if the school says they will have him up until a certain time, then they should be prepared to have him until that time. If a child is ill or injured like this, they need to keep them until the parents can confirm that it is ok to do otherwise.

I have no problem with the 10 year old walking home alone, across any number of busy roads, and being alone in the house, or making his way to a friend, but the school has a responsibility to make sure that those arrangements are properly in place first before just sending him on his way.