"because you're weird"

[Auti]

from my 9yo DD

this isnt really an AIBU, I just didn't know where to put this-she said that less than hour ago.

I have Aspergers and daily feel useless and like a failure. Im used to that.

However DD saying Im weird really hurts like fucking hell.

As you where

My daughter is 4 and has called me weird since she was 2.

I think my mum is weird.

It seems to be a pattern.

My little sister called me weird earlier for saying her pizza looked nice.

I've been thinking about Shoopy's post over night and I actually had the same reservation before I first posted on this thread.

I am NT, what clue have I got what it's like to live with Asperger's? I can only ever look from the outside in IYKWIM.

I think more than the 'weird' as a word what is hurtful here is that is was a. meant to hurt and said in spite (I think?) and b. that you may already feel self-conscious about your 'otherness' from 'normal' people. As others have said, I have no idea what on earth 'normal' is or means.
Yes, we all need to teach our children that their words and actions can hurt others and most of them will mature to take more care with what they say to whom and how and when, but also working on loving oneself, warts an'all, help to let unkind remarks slide off better.

Wishing you a very good day

My answer was always "thank you i try my hardest"

You might be weird OP (aren't we all at times) but what else are you? Kind, funny, a good listener? Probably for your dd, being 9, fitting in and being normal is important to her, but obviously as we get older and find our own circles who respect our individuality. I think my dd went through a stage of seeing all these gym bunny mums and suggested I should be like that, I just laughed as I really don't want to be like that. I'm sure there are people in your life that love your weirdness, do you even want to be normal?

Nothing to do with your condition. Don't bring in into normal childhood behaviour because of your own sensitivities.

It's ok my dear, I get called all sorts too. I no longer take any of it personally, but I realise it was getting very personal for me.
They are processing, constantly, what is going on for them in the day, they hear all manner of things at school, they are throwing it back at us as we are their ultimate platform of stability. Let her vent, let her rant, let her insult, as challenging as it may be, far better that she vents it than holds it inside.

Meemolly I have to say (respectfully) that I really disagree with some of what you said. I don't think parents should ever turn a blind eye to insults. Ranting and venting, to a degree, fine. Insults - not fine.

There is a difference between a teenager slouching in, seeing you dancing to Boyzone in the kitchen and slinking out saying "you're wierd" (i.e. "I'm embarrassed and don't know how to deal with the silliness"... to letting a child pick any insult and using it deliberately to cause hurt.

Deliberate hurtful Insults aren't constructive, and if you let your children insult you, it's teaching them that hurting someone with name calling and words is fine and there are no consequences. That is not healthy. I could always tell the boyfriends and girl friends whose parents had let insults get hurled around unfettered because seconds into any debate or argument, the insults and personal attacks would come flying. It's a very bad habit and a hard one to break as an adult.

I agree with both of you

The difference between ill-judged huffy remark, fond teasing and targeted hurtful arrow which may all deploy the same word ('weird') is what we have to teach our children.
And most of them get there in the end.

And I agree with slender.

Jennypocket, actually yes I agree with you as well. Sometimes I get a little stuck on allowing children just to vent as it worries me when they don't speak (my own baggage there), but I don't mean I just sit there like a punchbag for my kids, just that they say what they need to say and then depending on what has been said, I challenge it, discuss it whatever needs to be done with it really and then it is gone. My apologies, I didn't really explain myself very well.

"Weird" can be quite a difficult one to hear if you've got ASD. And having NT people tinkling "oh we're all weird really" doesn't really help.
If you spend half of your life being bullied and called weirdo, and the other half desperately trying to pass as normal so as not to be entirely unemployable, it stings. It feels like you've been caught out, somehow, and it opens old wounds.

I agree with Toast

Yeah, Toast, I think I get what you mean.

My 8yr old DD screams that I'm a 'monster' if sugest something as awful as having to put a book down and get ready for school. She also says things like 'you hate me; you've always hated me' if at the merest hint of a reprimand. I put it down to a passionate personality and alot of dramatic books, but it does hurt on occasions. Children can be horrors.

Were all weird in my family, so she couldn't use that one

Meemolly I do understand it. My mum never let us vent, in fact we had to "put a smile on our faces" even when she'd given us one of her famous furious rants/dressing downs. She had a real temper and was very shouty. I remember being age 9 or 10 and saying to my sister that although we weren't allowed to speak back, or express ourselves, and we had to put a smile on our faces after being verbally abused, she couldn't control our thoughts, so we could think what we liked in our heads and there was nothing she could do about that

So I agree allowing children to express, vent, and rant (within limits) is healthy. They have opinions, they aren't going to agree with everything, etc. I just don't agree on the allowing of personal insults within that. Some people who have been close to me could not argue without instantly getting into name calling "fucking idiot, dick, stupid bitch" etc and it's just not right and had nothing to do with the argument. In their house growing up, personal insults flew and were allowed and so to them it was all normal.

Saying "I think that's stupid because..." is a world away from "shut up, stupid bitch" for example.

And I'm saying that as a non-neurotypical ToastMonster. I've learned to own it and I'm trying to get her to do the same

I'm called that too, but I am Aspie, however so are my adult children and they still call me weird. Nothing to do with being Aspie, just to do with being different from them. It's not meant cruelly, although it was often retaliatory when they were younger. Try not to let it upset you, although that's hard, but it'll ruin your relationship with your dd if you take it too hard as once she understands, she'll feel guilty.

Monkey I would pull her up on this if it was me. I'd like to say (perfect parent not ) "I know you don't like it and you can say that, but you can't say Monster or hate. Tell me how you feel but don't call me names." It's just such a bad habit and I know so many people who can't/haven't grown out of it.

"Normal" is weird.

Your right Jenny and I do. Though sometimes it just gets the eyeroll i think it warrants at that point. I point out that I have feelings too and that it is not acceptable, and on the couple of occasions I have deliberately let her see me visibly hurt she has been devastated. I want to be able to express the big emotions she struggles with, but just learn to do it in a slightly more constructive way. Its a hard path to tread.

My dd is NT I am not. I wear weird like a badge of honour and when my dd says it to me, she means it as an honour. She knows most people don't think that way about being called weird but I never wanted to be like everyone else and I see it as something that distinguishes me From everyone else.

I know it's hard when you think your child is saying something hurtful but maybe check with her what she meant by it. Perhaps she didn't intend it in a nasty way but more of a hip way of saying 'you're so silly' - my dd went through a phase recently where everything is weird (all her friends are saying it too) which is when I explained how the word can be used to hurt people and why I didn't mind being called weird myself. Does your dc understand autism? I'm always careful to explain to her as things crop up and she loves that her mum isn't like all the others. Turn it into a positive if you can.

I think it's a passive aggressive way for young people to say they don't 'get' something.

I'm apparently weird, too - have been told so all my life by many different people. It used to upset me, but now I think "So?".

And as others have said, this is the perennial cry of almost every child in the history of the world.

Starts How I used to want to meet "Everybody else's mother". i would have given her such a punch!

Thanks Jenny, yes I absolutely agree. I'm glad we had this little cyber chat!