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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you to help me sort everything out today? I don't want to be admitted.

65 replies

OneStepCloserToTheEdge · 24/11/2016 11:40

Can someone help me get everything sorted today? I know this is pathetic but I'm orphaned and have no-one else to ask.

The last few months have been hard, culminating in me losing my much-loved job. It was unfair dismissal and I've accepted an out-of-court settlement to save myself the stress of seeing court through - I've got bipolar and it has been HARD. I haven't slept properly in months and am being visited every other day by the crisis team.

A company I worked with for my old employer wants to hire me. I should be thrilled. It'd be more money and they love me. I withdrew from applications when I originally became self-employed because my contract forbid me working for them; they postponed applications. They've started calling me often this week and have talked me into interviewing on Friday - but I still have the contract problem and I'm not well enough to commute four hours a day to work. I was up all night crying at the thought of having to tell them... I just can't write the email; I feel that I'm really letting them down. Their contract also forbids this, but they don't seem to care, really.

I need to go and pick up my tablets from the pharmacy. It's 15 minutes walk. It will do me good; but I can't go. I haven't left the house in days.

I have a big meeting with various psychologists and psychiatrists late next week to make a new treatment plan; but the crisis team want to admit me until then. They are worried that I'm not sleeping; keep crying; generally can't cope. I have had a headache all week and my heart rate is four times higher than my average. I am hiding from the postman, for no reason. I really hate hospitals, I have an intense phobia... so I need to sort everything and hope that when the crisis team come at 4pm, I'm okay. I just don't know how to start.

I need a hug.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 24/11/2016 11:44

I can't say anything useful I am afraid but I am here to listen and writing it all down is a good first step.

First step maybe are you up and dressed? Maybe start with that?

Hopefully someone who is more able to advise will be along soon

BurningBridges · 24/11/2016 11:51

I like the get up and get dressed suggestion, have you done that? Have you had a drink or some breakfast?

What would you like to happen? Is there anyone at all who can support you to stay at home? Have you been admitted before?

GrumpyInsomniac · 24/11/2016 12:00

As a serial successful dodger of admissions, I'd say priority one is to be up and dressed. And priority two is to go to the pharmacy, because both of these demonstrate the ability to care for yourself that the crisis team want to see. I know how hard that is to do, because I've been there, but it's not as hard as being in hospital.

As for the job, I think the contractual issue may be a red herring, although I would hope there is someone on layer who can offer legal advice and/or precedent. Broadly, if your former employer wanted to pursue either you or the other company, they would have to prove they had suffered some disadvantage, and this is usually a clause to prevent clients hiring out staff from under them.

In this instance, because they dismissed you, they clearly do not want you working for them, and there could be no damage to them from you working at the new place. If it ever got as far as court, they'd be laughed out, especially in light of the unfair dismissal settlement, because they would look petty and vindictive trying to destroy your future prospects. It would also jeopardise their future relationship with your new employer, who is a client of theirs, and they won't want that either.

So by all means raise your concerns, but you may be overdoing the worry about this. If you like them and vice versa, and want and feel able to go for the job, I'd go for it. Yes, the distance of the commute is an issue, but maybe not an insurmountable one if you can relax about the consequences of taking the job in the first place?

But... FWIW I would consider whether going in voluntarily might not be a bad idea to get you stabilised, have everything taken care of for a few days, and give you a chance to just catch up on sleep and rest. You do sound like you're at the end of your tether, and a few days in a safe place might be what you need to just level off a bit.

GrumpyInsomniac · 24/11/2016 12:02

Sorry: not as hard as being in hospital when you're dead set on not going. And someone on later not layer.

Probably more mistakes in there, but hopefully none that mess as much with the sense as those two.

yellowfrog · 24/11/2016 12:06

Hiya. Have an internet hug! No wonder you feel overwhelmed, that's loads you have going on! Tell us where're you are at with things like getting up and dressed and we can hand-hold you through it.

One step at a time, just plan the next step, don't get too far ahead and worry about the rest

OnlyAFoolsChance · 24/11/2016 12:07

Although the job sounds better in terms of the financial aspect, the employer doesn't sound very caring at the moment, you say they talked you into interview when you know yourself you aren't ready for this. I would be thinking that they might try badger you into going along with things that you otherwise wouldn't feel strong enough to say no to if that makes sense?

I am sorry you are so nervous and down at the moment. I don't respond much to posts but I didn't want to read and run. You must have a good relationship with your crisis team to be engaging with them so much and that is a good thing for you, you know they will support and help you.

For you to admit what you have about not sleeping, not coping, crying a lot etc, it takes guts and I think you know in your heart the right place to be is admitted for now. Doesn't make it easier when you don't want to go, but I think you do realise deep down that you need to do this and see it through to be helped to get yourself better. My heart goes out to you, it really does.

Original poster

OneStepCloserToTheEdge · 24/11/2016 12:10

Thank you all Somehow it feels easier just to not be on my own.

I am dressed. It took a stupidly long time. I will now plan going to the pharmacy... to be honest, the idea of going outside and seeing people is petrifying. I might feel better with some meds, though.

Grumpy Thank you for the info on the job, too. That might explain why they aren't bothered! I would love to work there, but I'm not sure I'm well enough. To be honest, right now I wish they'd never offered me an interview, I feel like I'm drowning. My instinct is saying to apologise and withdraw but I can't think of how to do it respectfully without burning bridges. They have mentioned they are interviewing others this week.

Pharmacy first? If I do well, I could try and go into the shop next door and get food, eating might help. I will take a huge scarf and sunglasses. Deep breaths.

OP posts:

yellowfrog · 24/11/2016 12:14

well done, you're already a few steps ahead of our suggestions! Definitely pharmacy first, but don't make a decision about food until you get there - no point doing the next step before you get to it.

Scarf and sunnies is a fab idea by the way :)

Yamadori · 24/11/2016 12:20

There will always be people on here to support you xx

SittingAround1 · 24/11/2016 12:27

Sending you a big hug.
With regards to the potential job, I don't think you need to give a definite yes or no. Could you compose an email along the lines of :
Thank you for your offer for an interview, however this isn't the right time for me to be restarting work.
I would appreciate if we could keep in touch for any future opportunities.

That will give you the space to concentrate on your health.

KayTee87 · 24/11/2016 12:27

You're doing great op. Would it help if you listened to music on headphones while you walked to the pharmacy?

Just take one step at a time; first pharmacy, then take meds, then defo get something to eat.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/11/2016 12:28

Hello OP.

If you can face it, and if it's that kind of job, could you talk to them about flexible working, working from home, part time etc

GrumpyInsomniac · 24/11/2016 12:28

Yep, pharmacy first, and food is a good idea if you have an appetite after you've picked up your meds. Sunnies and a scarf have saved me a fair few times, just that last bit of armour to help me face the world.

I think it's possible to withdraw without burning bridges, especially if you can talk to them about the bipolar. If nothing else, though, you can state that you would like nothing better than to work for them, but that a personal issue has come up that means you will be unable to give the job your full attention at this time, and you're too professional to go in under false pretences and let them or yourself down. Be clear you would very much welcome a chance to talk in a few months, once this situation has been resolved, and thank them for their faith in you.

MN has people on here who are brilliant at writing letters and emails, so someone more articulate than I can help with this. And the bonus? If there is any period stated in your old job contract to prevent them hiring you, by the time you're ready to work for them it should hopefully have elapsed and you'll be completely in the clear on all levels.

You're doing really well. Make sure you have the wherewithal to reward yourself with a nice cuppa when you're back from the pharmacy.

YelloDraw · 24/11/2016 12:29

Sorry you are feeling like this at the monmnt. Well done on getting up and drssed.

Those non-compete clauses for standard level employees i.e. not the CFO, CEO, CTO etc are virtually impossible to enforce BTW so hopefully you don't need to worry about that.

My instinct is saying to apologise and withdraw but I can't think of how to do it respectfully without burning bridges

I don't think you will burn bridges if you call them in advance of the interview. Like, ASAP. Or email if easier for you. Good luck, hope you feel better.

listsandbudgets · 24/11/2016 12:29

thank you OP. You are inspiring me. I need to go and get my epilepsy meds from pharmacy. I had a bad fit past night and don't want to move but like you I know the fresh air and change of scenery will help.

if you can do it, I can do it. I'll drag on some clothes and force myself out the door.

thanks for having courage to post and for making me realise I can go out. I don't want another fit tonight but if I don't pick up the prescription that's what will happen

YelloDraw · 24/11/2016 12:30

If nothing else, though, you can state that you would like nothing better than to work for them, but that a personal issue has come up that means you will be unable to give the job your full attention at this time, and you're too professional to go in under false pretences and let them or yourself down. Be clear you would very much welcome a chance to talk in a few months, once this situation has been resolved, and thank them for their faith in you.

That is great.

KayTee87 · 24/11/2016 12:30

Also re the job if you're not well enough for it you could send an email thanking them for their interest however it isn't the right time for you at the moment but you'd be grateful if they would keep you in mind in the future. Once you've sent the email try not to think of it again and concentrate on your own well being x

LeopardPrintSocks1 · 24/11/2016 12:31

Ask pharmacy to deliver?

KayTee87 · 24/11/2016 12:32

^ another vote for this being perfect

PersianCatLady · 24/11/2016 12:33

The first thing that I would suggest is to call the pharmacy ASAP and ask if they can deliver your prescription as you need that medication and it doesn't sound like you are going to walk to the pharmacy to pick it up.

MissDuke · 24/11/2016 12:37

Definitely email the employer and state that you are undergoing treatment for a medical condition. Thank them for the opportunity and say you will be in touch when you are well. Get it over with, you can close your emails and only look for a reply when you are ready. As above, if you cannot go to pharmacy then ring and ask if they would deliver. When did you lat take your medication?

myoriginal3 · 24/11/2016 12:49

Oh God I am with you. Trying to get to a shop is like some sort of hell in my head. Sunglasses hat and headphones. You know really that you're realistically not ready for work.
Don't try to run before you can crawl. In my experience I end up falling flat on my arse.
Pp suggestion of a personal issue and not willing to let them down sounds best plan.
It's such a fucking chicken and egg situation.
I feel I won't get well without going back to work and yet can't seem to get sufficiently well to make it back.

juliascurr · 24/11/2016 12:49

and what they ^ said

have you got something to eat?
try to keep a supply of easy food around ready to eat when needed
deep breaths - one step at a time
it's no fun being where you are right now but it will pass

AcrossthePond55 · 24/11/2016 12:50

I think if you take care of you first, some a lot of the rest will begin to fall into place.

So, I'm with others, get some food in you and then get your tablets.

And I like KayTee's wording re the job. You don't need to go into detail, just that circumstances prevent you, etc, etc,.

3luckystars · 24/11/2016 12:51

Could you email "I'm sorry a family emergency has arisen and I need to be at the hospital this week, so unfortunately I cannot make it to my interview on Friday. I would very much appreciate if you would keep me in mind for any future positions. Please accept my sincere apologies. Many thanks, from .......

Get that problem off the table. You owe them nothing and it's all true, it is a family emergency.

Go to the pharmacy. Put headphones, hat scarf and sunglasses on and pretend you have flu. You can do it. Even if it takes many attempts to get to the door, you can do it.

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