This is just Awful. Should I apologise?

[Runie1989]

I went to visit my friend I met recently. She lives in a beautiful coastal area and also has a house where I live.
I stayed with her for three days and she took me on a few vists to her favourite place.

I asked her if she could take me to a bridge which is quite famous actually and I wanted to look out of the view so she agree. We walked across it and went along a coastal path and stood on the rocks underneath.

I took out a picnic and we sat and looked at the view. I really enjoyed it eventhough it was a little cold!

When I got back to my
House I told our mutual friend about our trips and she's went as white a son a sheet.

It turns out the friend I visited had witnessed her brothers suicide from that bridge and his body was found on the rocks where we were sat having our picnic. It was 11 years ago now but was extremely
Traumatic for her as she witnessed the whole thing and saw his body on the rocks.

She obviously doesn't want to say anything and that's understandable so maybe I shouldn't?

I spent the whole time saying how beautiful the bridge is, the gorgeous views, how amazing a spot we had for our picnic.

I am feeling absolutely terrible and worse.

She knows I do not
Know about the death, she has never mentioned it to me.

My other friend says she regrets saying anything now and it's best I leave it.

I just hate the idea of making her feel bad and uncomfortable.
Would I be unreasonable to say nothing?

Some good advice on here, including the bit about getting the thread pulled before the vultures at the Fail get hold of it.

You have presumably made it very clear to mutual friend just how awful you now feel. Is this something that our mutual friend could raise with her? Is your mutual friend sensitive and diplomatic, and could she mention it in the right way and at the right time? After all, she's the one who let the cat out of the bag. It may be that the friend you were with will be relieved that you now know, without her having to tell you herself. It also means you won't need to have a VERY awkward conversation with her.

I can understand why you feel bad, and I would too. But you had no idea what had happened and she obviously had no wish to tell you. If she lives in the area I'm guessing she comes across this bridge a fair bit. She probably wants to go there without turning it into a big thing and try and move on with her life. I absolutely would not say anything to her. She would have enjoyed her time with you. Don't tarnish it.

Don't say anything, if she wanted you to know she would have told you.

This!

Don't say anything apart from thanking her for a lovely visit. She chose not to tell you about the suicide, and she chose to go with you to visit the bridge - she could have refused, saying something bland like 'we'll go another time, I don't really feel like it today'. She knows you had no idea what had happened to her there, and maybe that made it possible for her to go there. Or maybe she goes there often, perhaps making peace with the place he killed himself is helping her to come to terms with his death. If she wanted to discuss this with you she would have done, but she chose not to so leave it alone I would say. Perhaps she just enjoys being herself with you, and not a person defined by the tragedy she suffered.

Oh no, how awful. Could you send a bunch of flowers (m&s post - freesias last for ages) & say thanks for weekend & that you value her friendship or something similar. Difficult any way to know what the 'right' thing is.

I think it's best that you don't say anything. Don't bring up bad memories for her that she obviously doesn't feel the need to tell you. Sounds like shes getting on with her life and enjoying the bridge for what it is.

Totally agree with sara107. Spot on.

100% what sara said.

Why are you writing
Like this

Is it in NI?

It sounds like a local beauty spot close to me.

Like previous posters, I wouldn't mention it to her but just think her for hosting you.

She may have appreciated the chance to make positive associations with the area OP. Don't say anything. I wouldn't.

Don't say anything.

The 'friend' is out of order for sharing this.

I'd get the thread pulled.

Sorry, but as I read OP went to the bridge with friend A and had a nice time. Went home and told friend B about it, who went white as a sheet. Subsequently someone else told OP about friend B'sbrother committing suicide.

Or am I being an idiot?

oh bless you! i feel your dilema. i think you should gently let her know when you next see her... you dont need to apologise, you did nothing wrong. she wont think bad of you, you wernt to know.
she must have healed quite a bit... if she hadnt, she physically couldnt have been there and stayed composed. you may have helped her without even knowing it. xx

Just reread op and seems im being am idiot!

The next time you see your friend in person I would very lightly mention something about you've since found out that the bridge/picnic spot are of significance to her and how humbled you are that she still took you.

Just maybe she would actually feel that there is the option there to open up to you or just acknowledge that if she wants to. Sometimes it makes a huge difference just having your loss and/or trauma acknowledged even if when it's not then discussed.

I would acknowledge what mutual friend told you, maybe in an email or something so she doesn't need to talk about it if she doesn't want. I would worry that she might find it awkward to mention it now and if you stay friends it's likely to come up at some point.

Could something along the lines of "MutualFriend mentioned to me that XBridge had bad memories for you, I'm so sorry, I didn't know. I hope visiting it didn't stir things up for you."
work?

I sincerely hope that the Daily Mail won't pick this one up!

catkind I don't agree. I agree with what Sara107 said at 20:55:07.

NO! Don't say a word. Expunge it from your memory completely, you don't know and you never knew and until she tells you, you won't know.

Let her deal with her own grief and the way she relates to that area herself. She obviously decided she liked you enough to give going there a chance, and maybe you've helped her, but let her take it at her own pace.

Whilst I understand why people are saying don't mention it, my concern would be that mutual friend says something to your friend when she next sees her that makes it clear that she told you about the significance of the place when you were talking about the picnic. Your friend then may be upset that, after hearing about the history of the place, you didn't think contact her.

I think a brief email just to say that you've just heard the history and are sorry if your visit stirred up bad memories would be the way to go.

Mention it if it feels right to you. You know her/you/your relationship. But I'd say no big deal actually. She didn't have to go, you didn't know. Well done her for not letting tragedy inhibit her life. And since no-one who knows the situation would have suggested going there, perhaps you enabled something positive that wouldn't have happened with other friends.

Fwiw I lost a parent to suicide at 12. Carbon monoxide poisoning. I drive daily & rarely make any connection. My father's car came home once his body was removed & the car cleaned & we used it for a few months. My mother did sell it then in favour of a less trauma-laden vehicle & I raise an eyebrow looking back as an adult, but it wasn't actually a big deal at the time. He had gone. The car still functioned. The car - & the manner of his death - were not him.

leave well alone. she didn't tell you. she didn't want you to know. she could have refused (she didn't).

Don't confuse your feelings with her choice of privacy. If other friend ever mentions that she told you it will only reflect on her total lack of respect and your quiet respect.

Leave it alone. I agree with PP who think she might be pleased to form some gentler memories.