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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

This is just Awful. Should I apologise?

116 replies

Runie1989 · 23/11/2016 18:44

I went to visit my friend I met recently. She lives in a beautiful coastal area and also has a house where I live.
I stayed with her for three days and she took me on a few vists to her favourite place.

I asked her if she could take me to a bridge which is quite famous actually and I wanted to look out of the view so she agree. We walked across it and went along a coastal path and stood on the rocks underneath.

I took out a picnic and we sat and looked at the view. I really enjoyed it eventhough it was a little cold!

When I got back to my
House I told our mutual friend about our trips and she's went as white a son a sheet.

It turns out the friend I visited had witnessed her brothers suicide from that bridge and his body was found on the rocks where we were sat having our picnic. It was 11 years ago now but was extremely
Traumatic for her as she witnessed the whole thing and saw his body on the rocks.

She obviously doesn't want to say anything and that's understandable so maybe I shouldn't?

I spent the whole time saying how beautiful the bridge is, the gorgeous views, how amazing a spot we had for our picnic.

I am feeling absolutely terrible and worse.

She knows I do not
Know about the death, she has never mentioned it to me.

My other friend says she regrets saying anything now and it's best I leave it.

I just hate the idea of making her feel bad and uncomfortable.
Would I be unreasonable to say nothing?

OP posts:

notagiraffe · 23/11/2016 19:18

It's so tricky. But I'm not sure that I'd say nothing. You can't unknow what you were told and it will colour your friendship if you hide it. I'd be honest. Send her a card, telling her that your mutual friend told you the news in shock when you were describing the picnic, and that you are so sorry if the visit upset her in any way or that you were unwittingly insensitive. then thank her for a gorgeous time and say you can't wait to see her again. No need to mention it after that unless she brings it up.

FretYeNotAllIsShiny · 23/11/2016 19:18

Don't say anything. If she wanted you to know, she'd have told you. If you tell her, you may also create bad feeling between your friend and the mutual friend who told you.

EsmesBees · 23/11/2016 19:20

I wouldn't say a thing, ever. Your friend could have made up an excuse when you suggested the trip, the fact she didn't makes me think she was fine going there. Your other friend is in the wrong, it wasn't her story to tell.

yellowfrog · 23/11/2016 19:23

Crikey, don't say anything! She didn't tell you - maybe she liked being able to go there and see the place through your eyes. If you tell her it may salve your feelings, but at the expense of hers

Lemon12345 · 23/11/2016 19:23

Shit, that is terrible. What a mess. The mutual friend really messed up by telling you, but I can understand why she let it slip. I'd take her advice and not say anything.

Of course tell your friend you had a wonderful time, enjoyed everything you did together etc but I wouldn't single out mentioning the bridge as she's bound to find out eventually that the mutual friend slipped up. If it feels appropriate or she say's something go with it, but just be cautious.

It might be an idea to try press the mutual friend into confessing that she shared and why. As I said she's bound to find out and if she's that careful about who knows and who she tells then better to know now than later. After that you can apologise, say you wouldn't of asked if you knew and you hope she's okay, you're there if she needs to talk, but if she'd rather you never utter another word about it you will do that.

TheFlounder · 23/11/2016 19:28

Just to clarify, the mutual friend didn't accompany you on the trip did she?

TinselTwins · 23/11/2016 19:33

Thank you so much for a lovely few days. I thought the bridge was beautiful and I was happy to be there. I hope that you were too.

Jesus, DON'T say that! ^

either say or don't say, don't wreck her head by alluding to the fact that you might know leaving her guessing and a bit freaked out about whether you knew before hand or not!

tatty1010 · 23/11/2016 19:35

Wow amazing that you ended up having a picnic in the same spot his body was found. or did your friend choose the spot ?

TinselTwins · 23/11/2016 19:37

Not really Tatty, a lot of picnic spots are also suicide hot-spots

Original poster

Runie1989 · 23/11/2016 19:38

No mutual friend wasn't there.

she should have said nothing and realises that now.

OP posts:

RockyBird · 23/11/2016 19:39

If your friend didn't want to go there she would have said something.

It sounds like you both had a nice time.

I can only imagine that she enjoyed spending the time there without having to go into details about her brother. I don't know her though.

Leave it.

Somerville · 23/11/2016 19:39

Please don't say anything and please tell the mutual friend to respect her confidence and stop fucking telling people.

Original poster

Runie1989 · 23/11/2016 19:40

Thanks for the advice. I won't say anything. She did seem slightly distracted throughout so I can tell it troubled her. I only made that comection once I'd been told though.

OP posts:

NavyandWhite · 23/11/2016 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

msrisotto · 23/11/2016 19:44

Take her lead - don't mention it. If she wanted to talk about it, she would have. Her other friend has kind of betrayed her by telling you without her consent.

Lazybeans50 · 23/11/2016 19:52

If it were me I might actually say something about it next time I saw her face to face. Something along the lines of 'xx told be about what happened at the bridge we visited. I had no idea when I suggested we went there. I'm very sorry if it upset you'. I tend believe things are better said than unsaid. And I wouldn't assume that just because she didn't tell you, she wouldn't want to know. Maybe she thought it wasn't the right time to bring it up. They only way of knowing how she felt about it is to ask her.

altiara · 23/11/2016 19:54

Definitely don't say anything about the bridge. Even though she wasn't ready to share this information with you it doesn't mean she hasn't appreciated being able to go there with someone who doesn't have bad memories of the place. Hopefully, it will help her. You will know if she's trying to tell you about it one day and struggling and you can then share what you know if you feel it's appropriate.

Borneoisbeautiful · 23/11/2016 19:59

I don't think that the mutual friend meant to betray a confidence, it was probably hard to hide her reaction. I feel so strongly that you shouldn't breathe a word - to her or anyone. She may well tell you in time.

CoolCarrie · 23/11/2016 20:04

Don't say anything, leave it. You didnt know anything about it and I wouldn't mention it when you see her again.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 23/11/2016 20:05

Phew - glad you've decided not to say anything.

CoolCarrie · 23/11/2016 20:06

TBH OP I would get this thread pulled now as we all know the daily fail like to rip off mumsnet stories.

Borneoisbeautiful · 23/11/2016 20:08

Sadly Carrie is possibly right. So sad that we can't discuss things fairly anonymously any longer on mnet.

DotForShort · 23/11/2016 20:09

I agree with the majority. Don't say anything at all. It is up to your friend to confide in you if she chooses to. If you were to mention that you know about her brother's suicide, it could feel very intrusive to her. Sometimes when one has been close to a tragic event, other people can try to appropriate the tragedy in a really distasteful way, often disguised as either grief or sympathy. I am not at all suggesting that you would do anything like that (you sound like a kind and caring friend) but your friend may be understandably wary of the emotional vampire type. In any case, her grief is private and that should be respected until she decides to share it.

RepentAtLeisure · 23/11/2016 20:16

Thank you so much for a lovely few days. I thought the bridge was beautiful and I was happy to be there. I hope that you were too.

That could come across as though the OP knew about the suicide and asked to see the spot anyway.

I agree that it's best to leave it.

RhiWrites · 23/11/2016 20:20

Send her a note thanking her for being a wonderful host and how much you enjoyed seeing her and leave it at that.

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