AIBU to think my SILs are BITCHES?

[HelpTheTigers]

DP and I have been together for nearly 9 years and we are settled, happy, no problems or anything. DP was married for 2 years and divorced over 10 years before we met and his wife had been having an affair with his friend before running off, so that's all over and done with and she didn't come out of it looking too good. DP has absolutely no feelings or resect for his ex, especially as she emptied the bank and took many of his personal possessions when she left, .
DP is the youngest in his family and has 2 much older sisters who always want to be in charge of everything, which DP usually ignores to have a quiet life. I have never had an problems or arguments with either sister or his parents and we seem to get along fine although Ive always suspected that both SILs are not as nice as they act in public. The oldest SIL has just moved back in with the parents to look after them as they are both frail and have the start of dementia. So far, not a problem.
I went to the PILs house on Fathers Day and found that both SILs have put up lots of family and memory photos on the walls, all framed and all screwed in the wall. It looked really personal and nice until I found a large photo of DPs WEDDING. Its screwed on the wall in a place that's now impossible to reach behind the furniture even if I did try to unscrew the thing. There aren't any photos of DP and I.
I am F LIVID. DP says not to get upset or involved and that his sisters wont mean anything bad. I think he should tell them to take the picture down or do it himself but he is so concerned about not upsetting his parents who will be very confused and stressed by it all that I know he wont do it. That bit I understand but its not helping me at all. Every visit to PILs is now horrible and I have to look at the bloody photo on the wall as it faces the sofa. I feel embarrassed and humiliated and completely rubbished in front of everyone.
Before I say anything to them can I please ask others if they think that I'm being too touchy and overly sensitive or if I am right in thinking that DPs sisters are BITCHES. Its driving my head insane.

Ohhhhh F hell, Ive realised my mistake with the title which is only about my 2 SILs. PLEASE don't think that I mean all SILs, this is totally not the case. It just goes to show that shorthand doesn't always work and if you say one thing, someone can read something else due to my bad writing. Honest.
Does anyone know if I can change the wording???

you can report your own post and ask for it to be changed.

Report your post to MNHQ and ask for it to be amended.

And no YANBU, this sort of happened to me but I confronted the people responsible for it.

Your Dh needs to see how much this upsets you and stand up for you. He is being ridiculous to not say something to his sisters about this. Very unkind.

I would NOT be impressed with this at all. Yanbu.

I don't think YABU - it's not nice of them and completely unnecessary after all this time ... your DP needs to say something and ask them to replace it with a pic of both of you - his ex has no place on their wall anymore and I'm assuming before your PIL were unfirm, that they didn't keep it there - sounds very much bitchy behaviour I think

Really dislike to see the word bitch in a title.

Why? There's been much worse and they DO sound quite bitchy.

YANBU, why on earth would they do this? Very peculiar .

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I would be pissed off too. Indeed, when my ex-h left me, parents on both sides took down photos of us as a couple without saying a word which I think was the right thing to do. I think it would have upset me hugely when visiting IL's (who were very supportive) an MIL particularly knew that would be the case and indeed when visiting my Dad. I can't imagine why they would put up a wedding photo of his ex of 20 years ago and not you with him...how very odd...

I would probably ask, I know your DH said ignore, but I'm afraid I'd want to know, particularly what the motive was.

DP does visit his parents and helps out but only when SILs decide what they want him to do. They aren't happy if he just goes ahead and helps his parents, which I think is just the SILs being controlling. In answer to some of the posts, SILs can be quite manipulative. The one who moved in to look after the parents is supposed to be only doing this until she buys a new house but this may never happen as she has limited income.
I don't understand why some of the posters would be ok about it. Would they do that to their own SIL? Ive never been to any other house where ive seen ex wives or husbands on big photos on the wall.

DP should do something about it, I agree.

OP, the objection is to the word 'bitch', not to its referent.

The use of the word to refer to any woman (even the ones you don't like!) promotes casual misogyny that harms us all.

They may be being nasty, they may just be thoughtless, who knows. However I think the person who should sort this out is your DP. He knows that this has upset you, and yet he refuses to do anything? I feel he should at least ask his sisters why they have done this, as it's extremely insensitive.

I can understand if the photo contains lots of family members and is therefore a good memory/reminder for them, however just the two of them? Weird.

I can understand how this makes you feel but try not to let it get under your skin. It has nothing to do with how your pil felt about you, probably more to do with the fact that they still remember the wedding, you may not even be in their minds. Dementia sufferers tend to remember stuff better the older the memory is. I always liken it to a computer hard drive, the more you put in the slower it gets, I know my new memories get less and less vivid the older I get but the oldest are much sharper. The sil are probably just trying to keep things as unconfusing for them as poss.

I would be rather offended x

But Phalenopsisgirl, this is an ex wife of 20 years ago....if I understand correctly, they have just put this picture up...there is no excuse for that..and no pictures of OP and her DH...I think they are being bitches personally!

Racerback - believe it or not, I completely agree. I never ever use the word normally but I'm so f*ed off with them that on this occasion I want to let loose with how I feel about the situation. I'm not aiming to offend, just to let rip and I'm probably more of a very vocal and active feminist than you can imagine. Its just very frustrating and very offensive that my SILs seem to think that its ok to put DPs wedding photo on the wall. One of them is divorced and there is no photo of that wedding. I do think that it is bitchy behaviour but I'm sorry if I caused you any offence.

Perhaps they are offended that they are doing the majority of care for elderly parents with dementia?

Perhaps they are offended that they are doing the majority of care for elderly parents with dementia?

The OP has already said that they'll only let her DP help when they say he can, and that they're quite controlling about it.

If it is done for unkind reasons rather than thoughtlessness, then you are playing into their hands by reacting to it. There are 100 reasons why they might have chosen it.
Personally I'd suck it up, anything else smacks of lack of confidence on your part.
You're angry because you can't control other people's behaviour. No matter how much you kick off that wont change.
This is also about boundaries, you need to remember that it's not your house.
Get some perspective, it's a photo on a wall, life is too short.

We do help and SILs have agreed that we take MIL shopping every week or so and take both PILs to the pub where they always went. as the fittest members of the family, DP and I both do the PILs garden. The PILs are quite frail but still reasonably active and their dementia has not reached the stage of being really bad. Until SIL moved in they were managing pretty well with family support and were only slightly forgetful although I am well aware of what is ahead especially as my gran had dementia and ive been on a dementia awareness course.

Is it a group photo of the family? Or just your DP gazing lovingly at his bride?

The former I'd possibly understand given the dementia, the latter is bizarre.
He needs to ask for it to be taken down though.

It may have more to do with the time than the event IYKWIM

It was a point in time when all the family were together and before the demetia hit possibly?

Older memories work better for people with dementia, they might just be following advice to the letter rather than applying a little bit of discretion IYKWIM

One of them is divorced and there is no photo of that wedding

There is your solution then. Get onto a printers and print a massive one, frame it and put in a prominent place in your house. Then invite them around for drinks, and when they notice, thank them for giving you the idea of putting up retro family wedding photos.

You can always do what my SIL did when faced with a photo of BIL's ex wife. She had a massive tantrum and threw it across the room. It was hilarious! Poor MIL was mortified. She'd only kept it up as she really liked how nice her and FIL looked in it!

I didn't read it as ALL SILs are bitches

jiggl