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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my SILs are BITCHES?

97 replies

HelpTheTigers · 22/11/2016 13:28

DP and I have been together for nearly 9 years and we are settled, happy, no problems or anything. DP was married for 2 years and divorced over 10 years before we met and his wife had been having an affair with his friend before running off, so that's all over and done with and she didn't come out of it looking too good. DP has absolutely no feelings or resect for his ex, especially as she emptied the bank and took many of his personal possessions when she left, .
DP is the youngest in his family and has 2 much older sisters who always want to be in charge of everything, which DP usually ignores to have a quiet life. I have never had an problems or arguments with either sister or his parents and we seem to get along fine although Ive always suspected that both SILs are not as nice as they act in public. The oldest SIL has just moved back in with the parents to look after them as they are both frail and have the start of dementia. So far, not a problem.
I went to the PILs house on Fathers Day and found that both SILs have put up lots of family and memory photos on the walls, all framed and all screwed in the wall. It looked really personal and nice until I found a large photo of DPs WEDDING. Its screwed on the wall in a place that's now impossible to reach behind the furniture even if I did try to unscrew the thing. There aren't any photos of DP and I.
I am F LIVID. DP says not to get upset or involved and that his sisters wont mean anything bad. I think he should tell them to take the picture down or do it himself but he is so concerned about not upsetting his parents who will be very confused and stressed by it all that I know he wont do it. That bit I understand but its not helping me at all. Every visit to PILs is now horrible and I have to look at the bloody photo on the wall as it faces the sofa. I feel embarrassed and humiliated and completely rubbished in front of everyone.
Before I say anything to them can I please ask others if they think that I'm being too touchy and overly sensitive or if I am right in thinking that DPs sisters are BITCHES. Its driving my head insane.

OP posts:

CozumelFox · 22/11/2016 13:52

He needs to be the one to say something. As you can see here, you expressing bafflement that someone's stuck up a photo of your husband's ex from two decades ago is seen by some as 'omg u such a jealous caaah', because they clearly have their own homes festooned with exes from bygone decades...

Your DH can get the pic taken down, sod 'the quiet life', they're baiting you.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 22/11/2016 13:52

It's annoying enough when the photos are already up, but putting them up specifically seems very odd to me. Are SIL and the ex still friends? I guess if she still considers her part of the family (which BTW is fine, I still consider myself to be part of XH's family) then I can understand why she might think the wedding pic was ok if she hadn't thought it through, but really, especially given the circumstances of the split, you'd think she'd have more tact towards her brother, let alone you.

Your DP needs to man up and change the pic to one of you and him. He can put up a separate pic of the ex if his parents are very attached to her, but I can't help thinking it would just be confusing to someone with dementia to see him turning up to visit with you when they are reminded of his previous marriage every day.

Waffles80 · 22/11/2016 13:52

Agree pepperpot. The misogyny on Mumsnet is, at times, staggering.

MorrisZapp · 22/11/2016 13:54

I never understand why mners are so obsessed with status amongst in laws. So bloody what if they put a picture up. It's their house. If they're a bit odd and appear to favour his ex then minimise contact. Hardly worth getting 'LIVID' about.

teaandakitkat · 22/11/2016 13:55

My in-laws still have photos of my dh's ex on their wall. I hate seeing them. They have been there since before we got together though, they are pictures from my sil's wedding. So I guess that makes it a bit different.

I do want to say to them 'please can you take the photo of ex down from the wall?' but they're old, the kids might query it, I just put up with it.

But to deliberately put a photo up now, after you have been together all this time, that's rude. YABNU at all!

Print out a nice photo of the two of you and next time you are round sellotape it over the top of the frame if you can't get it off the wall.

Trifleorbust · 22/11/2016 13:55

Here is what I would do: every time you go over, pretend to notice the picture for the first time and say, "Wow, don't you both look YOUNG in this picture? I can't believe how THIN you are! As IF you would wear that to a wedding now ha ha. Doesn't time fly?"

And repeat until they take it down.

MulberryBush12 · 22/11/2016 13:55

That's not on at all. Even the most easy-going person would have a problem with that . The person/s who put the picture up is deliberately trying to be provocative-nothing to do with helping the person with dementia at all.
But your other half should realise that this is not on too; I'm finding it hard to imagine why he hasn't sorted the photographs removal by now ?

NavyandWhite · 22/11/2016 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MulberryBush12 · 22/11/2016 14:00

Morris Did you miss the bit where OP says SIL have moved into the parents house and put the old wedding photo up? So it's the PIL house not the SIL's house to do with as they wish .

dinkystinky · 22/11/2016 14:01

Yes - its horrible to put that up and none of you as a couple/family (particularly if parents suffering from dementia). Perhaps your DH could suggest that they put up a photo from your wedding/ recent family photo (including you in) too?

I know how you feel. SIL (who I thought we got on with ok) made her mum a book of photos of her recent significant birthday celebrations and used loads of photos I had taken which I shared with her (and photos from others). There were photos that were taken which had me in. Guess who didn't feature in a single photo in a book of over 100 photos? It cant not sting, regardless of whether or not it was intentional. But you cant inflate it into a huge argument as that doesn't help anything - perhaps simply point out there are none of your family with you in and rectify that.

ElizabethHoney · 22/11/2016 14:03

How upsetting, and I can't understand why some posters have no sympathy for you about this.

If it's for a good reason (e.g. Dementia related) they should have warned you and explained, apologetically.

But it sounds like they're just being unkind, and I think your partner should be sticking for you and talking to them about it.

Olympiathequeen · 22/11/2016 14:03

In one aspect I think you are overreacting and overthinking. If the photo wall is to aid his parents memories then his wedding picture must have been a big day in their lives, then it's nothing to do with you. It's their (parents) house and they are their daughters. It's really not for you to interfere.

However I do think you are right to be upset there is no picture of you and DP and I would just visit with DP and hang a photo of yourselves. You can get no nails hooks so it can be done very quickly and fuss free

danTDM · 22/11/2016 14:05

Yes, my DH was married 35 years ago to someone else, divorced 10 years before he met me. SIL frequently calls me his first wifes name.

We are decades, decades apart (me and first wife) and come from different countries.
Just being a bitch. I now let it wash over me.
sympathies plain nasty.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 22/11/2016 14:07

I don't know much about dementia but surely this photo will only confuse them further? Wouldn't it be kinder to use pictures that are relevant ?

MuseumOfCurry · 22/11/2016 14:08

I wouldn't be that impressed with my husband's family keeping around pictures of the women who came before me.

OhSuckItUpDucky · 22/11/2016 14:10

I'd be angry and hurt
Especially because of what she put your husband through
It's spiteful for both of you

Yoarchie · 22/11/2016 14:13

Hard to say. I know that my mil loved my ex sil and was ill with stress and upset when bil cheated on her. I can imagine her putting a photo up of sil. I know your situation is a bit different but I would just forget about it, after all pils have dementia. It's hard to know whether your sil is a mean bitch or whether the pils just like the photo.

madcatwoman61 · 22/11/2016 14:13

Seems to me this is about your sister-in-law and her parents and how she is going about caring for them - it's not about you at all, and it shouldn't be

Nowombattheinn · 22/11/2016 14:14

I can see why you feel upset by this. I think it's insensitive and very thoughtless of them to put up a photo of your OH and his ex wife, it also seems unnecessary. Do you feel like it's a slap in the face to you - as if you're not significant enough to have your photo there? You could get them a framed one of you and your OH for Christmas?

gillybeanz · 22/11/2016 14:15

I think you are over reacting and the fact that it bothers you makes me think your dh should do something.
At least the parents won't remember first wife, so sil's are the ones who are constantly going to have to tell them who the woman is.
Tell dh to take it down and ask how he would feel if it was reversed.
The sils made the mistake and may even have done it maliciously, but it's time for your dh to show where his loyalties lie, I'd be mad with mine if he didn't tbh.

Obsidian77 · 22/11/2016 14:15

It's the PILs' house, presumably it's a picture they like, of their son, on a day when they were happy. In the context of them having dementia, this is important. For them.
I think you are overreacting, especially as the picture went up months ago. And your horrible, judgemental title made me think you sound like hard work. Some things are not all about you.

Mouseinahole · 22/11/2016 14:20

I think YANBU at all and I think you should ask the sister to take the photograph down. Is there one of your wedding to your dh that you can offer to replace it? It will be more confusing to the old people to see a pic of someone who is no longer part of the family.
I would be upfront about it and say,"Why on earth have you done that?"

FRETGNIKCUF · 22/11/2016 14:20

Perhaps it's not you they want to upset, but him. Perhaps he hasn't been very supportive or something?

Anyway I'm sure your DH doesn't want reminding of his wife that ran off with his best friend, he can ask his sisters to take it down.

Original poster

HelpTheTigers · 22/11/2016 14:20

Waffles & Cherry - yes the photos are there for helping the parents but neither can even remember the ex wife. She was only on the scene for a very short time and caused DP a lot of problems.
PNGirl - its a photo of just the 2 of them
Pepper - Sorry, I didn't have a clue what you were talking about until I read the title of my post. I don't mean that any / all SILs are bitches, just mine. I have a SIL who is married to my brother and she is great. My error!!! I just hope that I can amend the title and expand my shorthand wording. Major apologies.

OP posts:

Eevee77 · 22/11/2016 14:23

So they've put up a wedding photo despite the fact the marriage has been over for almost 20 years!? That's crazy OP. He really needs to say something. I can't understand why on earth they would do that if you say they don't even remember her!

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