Thankyou for an 'interesting' time

[Brightsmoke]

Just got back from a week away with my DH's Grandfather (85yrs). We invited him on holiday with us because we found out he was going away alone and felt sorry for him. He has family local that don't really bother. We paid for the holiday, drove 300 miles to pick him up, a further 40 miles to the local airport, and the same in reverse to drop him off.

I've had a LOT of stress in my life recently so really needed a nice relaxed week. We picked him up, told him to be ready for a certain time (he lives on his own and is fairly self sufficient) and of course he wasn't ready. He then proceeded to complain about my car 'oh you've got one of those ugly things' Uhh, actually its my pride and joy and we have it because its practical for the dog and family (pick up). He asked for 20kg luggage as struggles with 15kg normally, we got for extra luggage normally so didn't complain. But when DH picked up his suitcase, it was as light as a feather (11kg at check in, when he'd put his thick winter coat in it) Got to the airport eventually, and he expected us to tow his suitcase around, knowing I'm pregnant, and obviously DH cant carry all 3.

He needs a wheelchair to help downstairs, which means we had to cancel the extra legroom seats we had booked due to DH illness, and he was in pain the whole flight because of it. Not GF fault, but annoying non the less, especially when it turned out there weren't any stairs!

DH & I only got 500EUROS out, as GF is normally very generous, and we didn't expect to pay for everything. He didn't stick his hand in his pocket ONCE! Didn't offer, just assumed we would pay the bar bill, buy all outside food, excursions etc.

He had ONE shower the whole week, and it was 20-28 deg all week. DH also had to clean up (TMI, sorry) diarrhoea type poo drops from the bathroom floor, that he had trodden through to the living area TWICE!

We went to a zoo, said its a LONG walk, long day and many hills, why don't we hire you an electric mobility scooter, he laughed it off, and took the piss out of DH for the suggestion. Then proceeded to moan and shuffle the whole way about how far it was.

So, after spending around £1000 on him, when we dropped him off, without an offer of payment for fuel (we didn't expect it by now), and said 'well thanks for an interesting time you 2'. Not a thank you at all!!

So, AIBU to a) never want to see him again (light hearted),

b) try and get his family to encourage him getting some home assistance,

c) to not be expected to pay for EVERYTHING when offering to take someone on holiday,

and d) to be so angry with the whole holiday that I started an AIBU thread

Personally I'd assume I was far more capable of carrying a suitcase than an 85 yo, even when pregnant.

Being generous is giving to others, not yourself. You saying he is normally v. generous makes it sound like you expected him to pay for you aswell as himself which is just as rude as him not offering to pay for himself at all.

It's not his fault if you didnt check about the stairs if you organised the break.

He was rude to make some of the comments. He did say thanks though. Perhaps he just had an interesting time?

As for the poo, he's 85 fgs, things don't work as well as they used to.

Imo yabu than him.

You really didn't think this through did you OP. Chalk it up to experience.

This was a lovely thing to do but I think you went into it without really thinking it through. Still, lesson learned.

I agree with this. 85 is old!

Even with the drip feed. He's 85 years old. YABU

I think you should stop clarifying details, OP, because they don't make your attitude make any more sense, really.

If I wanted a relaxing holiday I wouldn't invite an 85 year old. Old age is known as second childhood for a reason.

Goodness! 85 is well within the remit of "older person" but most people of that age don't need help. Most of the over 90's I know are living alone and still driving. He might just be developing dementia but he sounds a it of a curmudgeon to me. My mother is 90 and her memory is not always great but she wouldn't carry on like that.

We did nothing more than he said he was capable of, though I probably am being more annoyed than normal due to hormones

I think blaming your annoyance, lack of compassion/empathy for an infirm elderly man on your hormones is a huge cop-out to be honest.

said 'well thanks for an interesting time you 2'. Not a thank you at all!!

He did thank you. You're overthinking that.

As for the rest, I imagine it didn't make for the most felicitous of holidays, but he's 85 years old!

Sounds like you took him away in hopes he'd pay for everything. Oops.

ExConstance "85 is well within the remit of "older person" but most people of that age don't need help."

Do you have a link to back that up, or are you just talking from your own personal experience that would have nothing to do with the elderly man in the OP?

It sounds like you have more resentment towards than liking for this elderly relative of your husband, tbh.

85 is well within the remit of "older person" but most people of that age don't need help. Most of the over 90's I know are living alone and still driving.

That is absolutely ridiculous. You clearly know a very select and unusual group of people over 90.

GF is ageing. How mortifying for him that his grandson had to help clean up his poo on a couple of occasions . I have no words for you feeling disgust at that TBH. Do you think he did it on purpose?

Have you ever spent time with an elderly person before OP? Do you not realise that, although GF's physical body is starting to fail him, he still has his pride and would maybe much rather shuffle slowly along than use a mobility scooter?

With regards to the money, maybe he thought that the holiday was your "thank you" for all of the generosity he has shown you in the past? Or maybe he has started to lose grasp a little on what things cost? I worked in care for many years and would often have elderly clients who would give you a £5 note to do a week's worth of shopping for them - but then ask you whether £40 was enough to pay the weekly paper/milk bill. These things slip.

Also, don't get me started on why you think it's easier for a frail sounding 85 year old to pull a wheeled suitcase than it is for a pregnant woman who is clearly fit & healthy enough to go on holiday & walk some distance (i.e. to the zoo) .

I think you probably wanted the warm fuzzy glow of him saying he had a lovely time and feeling a bit superior over the relatives who don't bother, and what you got was a rather unpleasant holiday that none of you truly enjoyed.

I would just chalk it up to experience but also do b) if his personality is changing as he may need more help in the very near future.

Most people of 85 don't need help? Really? Everyone in my family has needed some sort of help at that age, assuming they weren't dead already!

I think you need to hugely lower your expectations. The sooner you come to terms with the cognitive, social and physical decline which is likely in old age, the easier you will find it to reconcile yourself to certain 'failings' on his part. (I have much experience, and still find it difficult not to mentally take 20 years off dm's actual age!)

85 is well within the remit of "older person" but most people of that age don't need help. Most of the over 90's I know are living alone and still driving.

I agree with LRD - you know a very fortunate group of over 90's!

In my personal experience, and having worked with elderly people for many years, I would say that this is true of only a very small percentage of people!

Most of the over 90's I know are living alone and still driving.

How many do you know, exactly?

About the money... lots of intelligent older people get rather confused about what things cost and/or have different ideas than us younger generations about who should be paying for what.

I have a very elderly grandmother and whenever I visit she insists on giving me petrol money. She gets tearful if I refuse it. She also sends my children overly generous cheques for birthdays. Yet she asks me for big long lists of large-print and audio books when the mobile library doesn't have what she wants, and also gives me very heavy parcels to have sent to some relatives abroad. She's never offered to pay for the books or postage

85 is well within the remit of "older person" but most people of that age don't need help. Most of the over 90's I know are living alone and still driving.

You do realise that the average age of death for males in the U.K is under 80.

Sounds a bit like you wanted him to come along, be his usual "very generous" self, foot the bill for your relaxing week and then be gushing with thanks that you "saved him" from holidaying alone.

Ah well, lesson learned eh!

Poor old bloke. It sounds like torment for him. How good that he kept his temper until the end.

My Dad is nearly 85

His brother is 86

His sister is 88

His other sister will be 90 next month

They're all pretty self sufficient in that they still live in their own houses (albeit 2 of them with a family member), they still mostly cook/clean/have a social life.

But yes of course they need help now they're elderly. They're hardly going to be able to lug heavy shopping around/climb ladders to clean the gutters/even hoover throughout the house if they're having a 'bad' day health-wise.

I work with older people, and I am really impressed every time I meet someone over 90 who is still fully independent/driving. It's pretty rare.

My grandma is 87, brilliant for for her age but I've definitely noticed a cognitive decline over the last year.

And LRD is right that memory loss isn't the only sign of dementia, with some dementias personality changes can be the first sign. Early stage dementia was my first instinct too reading this...has he always had poor hygiene? If not then it's concerning that this has now changed.