Thankyou for an 'interesting' time

[Brightsmoke]

Just got back from a week away with my DH's Grandfather (85yrs). We invited him on holiday with us because we found out he was going away alone and felt sorry for him. He has family local that don't really bother. We paid for the holiday, drove 300 miles to pick him up, a further 40 miles to the local airport, and the same in reverse to drop him off.

I've had a LOT of stress in my life recently so really needed a nice relaxed week. We picked him up, told him to be ready for a certain time (he lives on his own and is fairly self sufficient) and of course he wasn't ready. He then proceeded to complain about my car 'oh you've got one of those ugly things' Uhh, actually its my pride and joy and we have it because its practical for the dog and family (pick up). He asked for 20kg luggage as struggles with 15kg normally, we got for extra luggage normally so didn't complain. But when DH picked up his suitcase, it was as light as a feather (11kg at check in, when he'd put his thick winter coat in it) Got to the airport eventually, and he expected us to tow his suitcase around, knowing I'm pregnant, and obviously DH cant carry all 3.

He needs a wheelchair to help downstairs, which means we had to cancel the extra legroom seats we had booked due to DH illness, and he was in pain the whole flight because of it. Not GF fault, but annoying non the less, especially when it turned out there weren't any stairs!

DH & I only got 500EUROS out, as GF is normally very generous, and we didn't expect to pay for everything. He didn't stick his hand in his pocket ONCE! Didn't offer, just assumed we would pay the bar bill, buy all outside food, excursions etc.

He had ONE shower the whole week, and it was 20-28 deg all week. DH also had to clean up (TMI, sorry) diarrhoea type poo drops from the bathroom floor, that he had trodden through to the living area TWICE!

We went to a zoo, said its a LONG walk, long day and many hills, why don't we hire you an electric mobility scooter, he laughed it off, and took the piss out of DH for the suggestion. Then proceeded to moan and shuffle the whole way about how far it was.

So, after spending around £1000 on him, when we dropped him off, without an offer of payment for fuel (we didn't expect it by now), and said 'well thanks for an interesting time you 2'. Not a thank you at all!!

So, AIBU to a) never want to see him again (light hearted),

b) try and get his family to encourage him getting some home assistance,

c) to not be expected to pay for EVERYTHING when offering to take someone on holiday,

and d) to be so angry with the whole holiday that I started an AIBU thread

[AgathaF]

You sound very impatient and intolerant. He's been generous in the past, so don't be so down on him because he wasn't this time. Sounds like you arranged stuff that was entirely unsuitable for him, that he didn't enjoy.

And as for him towing his own suitcase at the airport. Why does being pregnant mean you can pull an 11kg suitcase? I'm sure you're far more capable of pulling it than he is.

[WorraLiberty]

And with regards to money, how do you know his pension/savings aren't running out now he's 85?

Life savings don't always last a whole lifetime when you live to a ripe old age.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

It was a nice gesture. Elderly people are hard work, look on it as good practice for having a child!

I'm sure he'll leave you a nice payback in his will .

[SpareASquare]

Did you invite him thinking he'd fund your little holiday OP? Sure seems like it by the way you are talking about him now.

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

I'm sure he'll leave you a nice payback in his will smile.

Lol. I wouldn't be looking to up-house on that basis.

[alphabook]

Also if you wanted a nice relaxing holiday, you really shouldn't have invited an elderly man. No matter how self sufficient he is in his own house, travelling takes its toll and he was always going to need extra assistance with certain things. Either you very were naive going into this, or you were hoping he'd foot the bill.

How pregnant are you? I'm 26 weeks and unless you have SPD etc I can't understand why you're not able to pull a suitcase on wheels.

[SoleBizzz]

I feel he is lonely and isolated. It's a horrible existance.

[Brightsmoke]

Oh it's not about the money at all., honestly! We didn't expect him to pay for everything, normally 500EUROS would be more than enough for me and DH with some to spare, it's the lack of offering that we had an issue with. Of course we didn't expect him to pay for everything.
We booked the holiday before the stress came, who plans their parent to leave the other and the one whose left to attempt suicide in the weeks before you go? Had we known I would be pregnant, we definitely wouldn't have invited him.

He went on holiday by himself and made a comment on it at our wedding, so we asked if he wanted to come away with us when we next go, then followed up our asking with an email as to when we were going and where, so plenty of opportunity to decline or forget the offer if he prefered travelling alone.

We knew it wouldn't be a nice relaxed week, but we did want to spend some time just doing nothing.

The Poo thing is disgusting, but we completely accept it wasn't his fault, hence just clearing it up and not mentioning it to him. He's really a lovely old man, and we did have a discussion when we got back re dementia, it's not really my place to mention it to family

[BarbarianMum]

"85 is well within the remit of "older person" but most people of that age don't need help."

This has not been my experience at all. On average people are dead before they are 85 and I'd be amazed if most of those that aren't don't need support in one way or another (or just stopping washing/eating properly, or gradually become more and more housebound). The vast majority of us do not just continue as normal until the moment of death (more's the pity) and the decline of abilities is rarely pretty.

OP it was a very kind thought and I'm sorry things didn't go more as planned but it does sound as if your dh's GF is maybe not quite the man he was a few years ago. Try not to think badly of him because of it. I would also try and keep a close eye on him regarding further decline because things like personality changes (from generous to not, for example) would worry me more than the foecal incontinence (which is something most of us have to look forward to).

[RJnomore1]

I don't understand why being pregnant means you can't tow your own suitcase?

[averylongtimeago]

Oh dear, your holiday didn't go as planned, did it?
Poor man, he might be getting older but I bet he's not stupid.
Fyi, many people of his generation would only have had one or two baths a week, bathing everyday is a recent idea. Also, lack of control of bodily functions does happen as you get older, I doubt he was doing it on purpose. As for your lack of sympathy over the wheelchair.....
He probably realised full well you expected him to pay for everything...€500 only?

[Mfr14]

He was capable of pulling his own suitcase; but just didn't.

As are you capable of pulling your own suitcase. You're pregnant not disabled.
I am pregnant and never let my 80yr old, still able grandparents lift a finger when I am in their company.

[RJnomore1]

Oh but you tried to do a nice thing, it's mibbe just a reality check about his state of health. Perhaps he didn't pay for things because he couldn't afford to as well as go on the holiday he had planned himself?

[DiegeticMuch]

My parents are nearly that age, and wouldn't dream of being so stingey. They also wash daily. And they express genuine gratitude when we have taken them to the supermarket, never mind on hols!

The luggage and bathroom floor things are very unfortunate, but par for the course at that age I think.

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

Have you considered that he showers once a week because it isn't easy, at 85 & with mobility issues, to get in and out of a shower, or even feel safe in one?

You have made an assumption that it's a lack of "self respect".

[PeachBellini123]

Can only echo the suitcase comments. If you're that unwell you can't pull it yourself, going on holiday would be awful.

[Trifleorbust]

Okay, some changing of the story here - you said you only took out 500 EURO because he had always been 'generous' in the past, implying that you expected him to fund you and your family to some extent, not just contribute to his own costs. You now say you accept the poo thing wasn't his fault - but you sounded very much like you dos think it was his fault in your original post.

And it's quite likely he didn't prefer travelling alone before the event, but he might do now!

[ofudginghell]

At 85 he probably thought the younger a would look after him.

My grandparents at 85 lived on their own but were in no way capable of many of the things they would lead you to believe. What they class as independent living is not the same as what we would class it as.

I have an 81 year old fil and he drives not just me but most other family members mad. He's rude has no social filter is lazy and sits there expecting people to cater to him.
I just don't do family things that would put me in that situation.
The last family holiday we had with them was 5 years ago and he was a pita and I swore I wouldn't do it again and haven't.
I think if I was taking an 85 year old on holiday with me I would expect to be doing a fair amount for them

[DramaInPyjamas]

"Thanks for an interesting time, you two"

He's probably posting an AIBU on GrandadsNet about the holiday from hell his family felt forced out of duty to take him on.

[Bountybarsyuk]

85 is well within the remit of "older person" but most people of that age don't need help

Complete rubbish, the average age of death for men is 79 (although technically you are correct, once dead, they don't need help). Average age to 'good health' is 71, you can expect to be in poor health/disabled for nearly a decade before that.

I know some amazing older people in their 80's to over 100, but none of them have escaped ageing, and have a variety of mobility problems/incontinence or bowel issues. Even simple things like cutting your toenails become too difficult once you can't keep your balance! They still have lovely lives, sociable, see the grandchildren, but the vast majority of 85 year olds aren't driving around.

I don't like the tone of some of these posts, as if starting to age and fail is a moral failing instead of something that will happen to us all. How humiliating is it to start to smell as your carers only come in twice a week to wash you instead of every day. Clearly this man does have an issue with bowel control at the very least.

If you know some incredibly fit people in their late 80's and 90's, be happy for them but realise they are the exception, not the rule and have compassion for those who aren't like that. Even if they are incredibly fit, they will most likely be deaf, have difficulty bending, some measure of cognitive decline/memory issues even if they aren't properly disabled or ill (which most will be by then).

We will need that compassion for ourselves when we get old and have 'accidents' that others find disgusting.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

He's really a lovely old man

changing your tune OP after a fail old pasting arnt you!

I don't want to grow old and go on holiday with the youngsters, 85 is pretty old and I think it was a really terrible idea! Now you know, onwards and upwards

[Bountybarsyuk]

That's not to say that your GD isn't irritating and perhaps selfish, in which case, treat him like an ordinary person and don't take him on holiday again.

That should read 'Average age to 'good health' is 71, you can expect to be in poor health/disabled for nearly a decade before death' on average'.

[ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess]

Oh dear, OP it sounds as though you are having a rough time of it yourself, so I think you're fab for trying to help out and do this for him. However, my Dad (who died at 87) was fiercely independent (and had been from childhood - he left home at 14), and he hated having to have support for the little things he used to be able to do quite easily. It made him quite grumpy. And I kind of understand that. I'm positive he was grateful to us helping him out with personal stuff, but he also felt frustrated and humiliated. Don't take it personally.

[MorrisZapp]

I've found that part of the sacrifice involved in doing stuff for older relatives includes accepting very little thanks.
My mum and gran both need lots of support for various reasons but don't like being in that position, also they don't realise you're doing them a favour. They think that they're the one doing the favour, by sharing their time with you.
I've accepted that anything I do for them will remain unthanked, and proceed accordingly.