To want to be able to grow older without being made to feel shit

[QueenofWishfulThinking]

I'm 53. Everyone on MN claims to look at least 5 years younger than they are but I have no idea what age I look. I have crows feet and other lines; not because I've smoked or sunbathed but that's just how my face has aged. I get my grey hair highlighted, dress in a way that I hope makes me look good then just go about my everyday life quite happily

BUT

The media tell me that being in your 50s is a huge turning point for a woman - not a man! - and that I should be trying to look younger. Threads on MN tell me (and other woman who had children in our 40s) that we'll be an embarrassment or a burden to our children.

MNHQ classes us as Gransnetters - my DD is 12! Anyone else fed up about being made to feel shit about getting older?

The only thing you need to do for yourself is to shrug off the ageism that is disproportionately applied to women, vs men, and not allow yourself to be forced into anything. Dye your hair or don't dye your hair, dress for comfort, style or both, smirk at your eligibility for SAGA and funeral plans and just get on with being you, with all the wisdom and life experience you have accrued in your 50 odd years.

And it's the duty of every parent to be an embarrassment to their children in some small way, whatever their age :o

Queen thank you I never walk away for long but I do get the rage occasionally

I think that part of the problem is that we don't see it as a problem until we do get older. The answer to not seeing 'old' as 'ugly' is to stop caring so much about our appearance when we are young. Many young women spend what is to me a mind-bogglingly large amount of money, time and effort on personal grooming. It's hardly surprising that once we are in our 50s we can't live up to that artificially-enhanced vision of youth. But it's people's attitude to beauty that need to change before their attitudes to aging will change imo. I was never that into being very glam when younger, so I don't think aging is hitting me as hard. I don't plan to dye my hair and I find the idea of cosmetic surgery or botox horrible and would never do it. I don't give a monkey's if people think I look older.

A pp said aging is shit. But it's a lot better than the alternative.

Pressures, I feel being in my mid 60's...... I am very lucky that there are none. Not interested in a relationship (too limiting), lucky enough to own a house outright, have time for interests that were on the back burner when I was still working. Make the best of my appearance with some makeup and dressing as stylishly as possible on a limited budget. Wanting to possess things has given way to saving for trips, holidays and other experiences that please me and enrich my life. Had my youngest at well over 40. She is now a post grad making her own way with a bit of financial help from me. I have assorted wrinkles and grey hair which I colour. If I am adversely judged on my appearance the people who do so are not my type and can themselves be ignored. Sometimes it's positive to be regarded as harmless or considered an old woman - quite amazing what people will say to me or in my hearing. I wouldn't go back for anything!

Lots of threads about the horrible hurt of being rejected by a partner who wants a younger/sexier model etc.

The answer to not seeing 'old' as 'ugly' is to stop caring so much about our appearance when we are young.
I agree with much of your post but not with that part. I think the answer is not to conflate 'looking good' with 'looking young'.
I still care about my appearance and I still love clothes. My aim is to look my age and look good.

Or maybe you're saying that too and I've misread it. Sorry if that's the case

I wouldn't worry about mn classifications - this is a site that has a topic for geeky stuff but none for science( message - real women are thick), has ad tie ups with anti wrinkle creams and expensive supplements and puts up sugar cake recipes marked as guilt free. It is a business, not a guru!

51 does mean wrinkles.dress as you like, use makeup or dye as you like, or not, and be grateful you know better than the fish pouting teens.

I'm fit, just not in the modern sense of the word, but at 60, have no aches and pains or chronic illness. I still adore clothes and want to look like the best version of me as I am right now, albeit having to accept my greying hair and facial contours sagging slightly (the worst bit). DS17 says I'm cool, because I'm not trying too hard, and one of his friends was astonished that I'd even heard of Belstaff! And I am ridiculously delighted that DS wears the jeans I handed down to him (they gave me dermatitis) more than any others.

Floisme - I think I meant both! Yy to beautiful shouldn't equal young. But also beautiful shouldn't be so important anyway. We need to wear clothes and it's only natural to wear clothes we find appealing, but the pressure to wear the latest fashion, have the latest style of eyebrows, nails etc is utterly ridiculous imo. It's all very well for people to say they enjoy fashion and don't find it's a pressure, but lots of women and young girls do find it a pressure. And what a waste of time, money and thought it must be for people who just follow the crowd because they don't want to be looked down on by their peers.

My dd is 11 and is at the girls in her year who are already obsessed with make-up and have to have a particular brand of trainers, bags etc. Her attitude is "Why would I care if they think my stuff is cool or not? I like what I like. Fashion is stupid." I realise she is unlikely to resist the pressure forever, but I'm glad she's resisting so far.

Lots of women over 50 aren't that different looks wise from younger women these days. If they want to look good for their age, rather than younger (which I don't get at all) they have the time and money. They often look more put together and have learned how to look after themselves. I hate the assumption that if famous people look great over 50 they must have had a ton of plastic surgery. It's usually the ones that haven't look the best.

30's was the worst age imo young dc taking up all of your time and energy, no time to get your hair done etc.
That's when I lost my mojo for a while.

Eolian I struggle with that too. I have a teenage niece and it's troubling. But there's a lot more to dressing than fashion. Beautiful clothes give me a lot of pleasure.

I was looking for resources for an art project on faces, so found myself trawling through Google images / pintrest
I was surprised at how very indifferent I felt about the "beautiful" faces, sure they had no creases..no laughter lines, no scars, no lived in ness, just smooth interchangeable blandness..none made the cut. It had me think again about what I really value and like about the way people look, and it's not the glow of youth, tightly stretched skin..but don't worry if that's you..you'll grow out of it into something far more interesting eventually, just think of it as an awkward phase