To want to be able to grow older without being made to feel shit

[QueenofWishfulThinking]

I'm 53. Everyone on MN claims to look at least 5 years younger than they are but I have no idea what age I look. I have crows feet and other lines; not because I've smoked or sunbathed but that's just how my face has aged. I get my grey hair highlighted, dress in a way that I hope makes me look good then just go about my everyday life quite happily

BUT

The media tell me that being in your 50s is a huge turning point for a woman - not a man! - and that I should be trying to look younger. Threads on MN tell me (and other woman who had children in our 40s) that we'll be an embarrassment or a burden to our children.

MNHQ classes us as Gransnetters - my DD is 12! Anyone else fed up about being made to feel shit about getting older?

Another issue is that these views seep into workplaces. Men wear a suit, that's it. Now with so many women spending hours on their appearance, a bit of hair frizz suddenly seems untidy. I do actually wonder if some women conducting interviews are judging women candidates on those kinds of standards.

Now you've got me going on the perception of women in the media! I find it also rather trying the constant pitting of SAHM vs working mothers - they seem to have obsessed with it and during the last 20 years I didn't ever see any of what they describe at the school gates (from both sides). It's the constant denigration of SAHMs from the press and politicians and the fact that the media is so visually focused that they completely ignore any woman's achievements over how they look. So now I'm in my 50s I am hardly represented in the media at all unless it's with a negative slant.

Oh no, I don't want to look younger. I just want swishy hair that isn't grey, nice skin, a waist, not to be embarrassed shopping in Top Shop, that horrible desire to wear granny pants to go away, a great social life, to be happy to put my mat near the front of the exercise class, not to veer off into boring conversation based on ancient anecdote, so show of my legs.
etc. etc. which I think is just another way of saying it.
Actually at 60 I don't feel older, I have no health problems or aches and pains and I'm just going to carry on looking the best |I can ( because looking worse than your best is depressing) and having a good time.

Thanks again for your replies, some have made me laugh.

I don't feel invisible at all. I'm valued at work and adored by my DH and DD etc but the media would have us feel otherwise. The other week MNHQ ran a survey asking if 'women over 50 felt invisible'. If we do it's only because we are bleeding well told we are!

Hang on I've got a couple of links I'd like to share ...

I got my first gray at 18 and pulled them out then dyed it for years, except for the white streak at the front as i kind of liked it (and it reminded me of my beloved granny, who I inherited it from).

When my girls were born I made a conscious decision to stop (all though the battle against roots when you have no time had a little to do with it). I want my girls to believe they are beautiful as they are and I felt I had to live by that. I have no problem with people dying, but for me it was a very positive move to stop. I have almost waist length silver and ebony hair and get just as many complements on it now (and a better caliber, if you know what I mean). I have been asked if I am my daughter's 'nan' by her school friends and another child asked in hushed tones if it had been turned white by the spider I had eaten (a delicacy in Cambodia). I do get a little wobble with the giggle I get from such comments, but I also feel quite pleased to be able to show another way to be

Constance, genuine question. You say you feel looking less than your best is depressing. What do you think of women like me I wonder? I don't do dressing up unless I really feel I have to, so if we met for a drink in a regular pub id be in jeans, t shirt, no make up.

Also if you want to wear granny pants (does that mean big knickers?) then why not wear them?

Lesley Sharpe, 50 something actress:

I look at myself and see a really big nose that I have learned to live with. I see lines, a face that I have been hard on over the years. I wish I hadn't been, because it's fine. It's not one of great beauty, but sometimes I get cross that I've questioned it

And if you asked Lesley Sharpe how she thought she looked when she was 19, she might well have been just as hard on herself.

The other week MNHQ ran a survey asking if 'women over 50 felt invisible'. If we do it's only because we are bleeding well told we are!

I disagree.

I think a lot of it is about personality/feeling secure/optimistic and that's across all age groups.

I don't allow myself to feel invisible aged 47 and I didn't allow it as a child or teen either. I know lots of people like that and it has nothing to do with looks or age.

Perhaps it helps that at no point in my life have I ever been interested in 'Teen magazines' or 'Women's magazines', I don't know.

Worra - that's the point Lesley is making; she's been too hard on herself in the past about her looks and she realises she had no need to be. I meant to contrast her remarks with some made by Kristin Scott Thomas but my wi-if keeps cutting out so I'll do that later.

OP I'm nearly 20 years older than you. You may not believe me but no-one can make you feel shit about yourself unless you allow them to. I learned a long time ago to take ownership of what I allow into my mind and other people's negativity is on the banned list.

Of course you have crows feet and other lines, they are made up of your life experiences - good and bad. Would you really want to look like some of the awful plastic stretched celebrity faces?

Be comfortable in your own skin and to hell what anyone else thinks.

My mil recently alluded to my wrinkles and lines. Had to laugh. What does she expect? I'm 61 for heavens sake, not 21!
It does seem to be a world where we are no longer allowed to age.

I'm 59in a few weeks ..grown up kids and grandchildren, but i have lots of interests and have worked f/t in a semi-professional job all my life.. so am lucky . I am not as thin as I once was ( but also not as fat as I once was either!) . am active , no aches and pains, good Dh and we are equal partners in our joint enterprise .

I am lucky , but ive worked hard for that luck also . I certainly have strong opinions and have considered myself a feminist since feminism started!

But I also love S&B and buying way too many things from recommendations on there .. . and actually I cant wait to leave work (am planning to retire next year if i can ) so my/our big Campervan adventure can start! .

Cliche? who cares .. Oh and i dye my hair also.. its a Pixie style and currenly white/ blonde..

Yep.. I am lucky.. roll on the next few years of aging disgracefully !

Invisible to whom?
Who is it that you want to be noticed by?

Society and the media is shit. I have felt judged mainly for my looks since being a young teenager. I was bullied and called ugly and it has stayed with me. I don't go out without make up as feel ugly.

Getting older (40) has been as mixed blessing. I am a mature uni student so mix with 18 year olds often. Some just look past me. I think some write you off 'you've had your life' type of thing.

In some ways I don't care anymore if people like me or not and I have bags of wisdom that I didn't used to have. I van see through stuff more easily now. But I do feel self conscious with teeth getting worse, greying hair, eye bags etc.

I have friends from other countries who say it isn't like this in her culture and that there older women are looked up to and seen as attractive etc.

So yeah its shit

Will we ever get to a time when women are valued for what they do and who they are than what they look like? What sort of world makes women feel they need to be cut and stuffed with silicone and are convinced it's for themselves.

Ah... and post menopause is heaven.. ok so the sex/desire thing goes down a little, but thats ok if you both understand that , and can work with it .. But NO periods ..no PMT.. Oh such bliss!

I know what you mean.

I'm in my early 40s and in a way I have become invisible, but actually it's in a good way. I can now walk down the street without random men commenting on the size of my breasts etc.

So that side of it doesn't bother me at all, that is a definite positive. I think what does bother me though is more 'the media'. In the sense that taking an interest in your appearance has to mean 'trying to look younger'. Yet dressing in a way deemed too youthful would be being 'mutton dressed as lamb'. My husband dresses much the same now at 40 as he did at 20 and he will probably dress the same at 60. But apparently because I am female my style must 'evolve in line with my age'.

I am 51, doing okay, don't look my age I think!!! I started running fairly recently so feel bodily fit. I try and keep myself modern and wear make up etc. I had my son when I was 23, and we are close, grown up together almost it feels. BUT, my parents are getting older, and the thought of losing them and my mother in law in the future has become more of a reality now and that frightens me. Things will not carry on as they are. When you get older you lose people, and I know that can happen at any age unfortunately, but that's how it is for me. AND ITS SH*T.

fanofjapan yes that frightens me also .. My mum is 91, Dad is 87 and MIL 90.. but they are well, and its great that they are still so able, though also sad to see that they are geting frailer ..

I do try not to dwell on it and to see them as much as I can.. but yes.. we are now getting to be th e older generation.. it really noticable at weddings etc.. Its quite weird to find ourselves on the 'old Aunts and Uncles' table isnt it ?

I'm 61 and feel thrilled to be my age. I feel more alive and focussed now than at any other time in my life... I think because I now have a stronger realisation of the fact life is finite and that the years left will pass quickly. I've had a number of friends and relatives die recently and this only emphasises the 'live for the day' attitude I now have. Getting old is inevitable but is far better than the alternative.

I'm thankful that my health is good - I feel young and have been told I look much younger than I am - a doctor recently asked me to clarify my age as he thought he had the wrong notes... he made my day!!

I believe that aging is often in the mindset of the individual. Of course over time our bodies will age but I know a couple people my own age who are old before their time due to their mentality and some that have been 'old' since their 20's.

Surely the good thing about growing older is you give not a shit what society thinks you should look like or be like. You begin to see the huge pressure young girls and women are put under to look perfect. I'm 42, turning/ turned invisible to the opposite sex. I give less than one fuck about it and it is liberating.

What an interesting thread. Some of you might like "In your Prime" by India Knight. I did.

I am 68 - the last thing I am concerned about is my looks. I wear what I feel comfortable in and do my hair as I fancy. This is one of the wonderful things about being older - you can please yourself. As far as I am concerned if people do not like how I look, then that is their problem and not mine and they can look the other way.

I lead a full and interesting life, involved with many pursuits and with care of my DGC.

I used to work as a photographer and some of my bests photos are of elderly people with their characterful faces. I do not buy into the idea that youthful looks are to be coveted - I like how I am and who I am now.

Do not be led by the media - just be yourself and enjoy yourself while you can.

I'm 47 and thought I didn't care - until a couple of days ago when I was invited out to a gig with a couple of people in their late 30s, at a venue frequented by people in their 20s. I made the mistake of looking at photos of other events there and saw all the shiny-haired young things in their little skirts and sleeveless dresses. I realised that I look my age now in a way that I didn't even three or four years ago. I've put on weight in a way that might look voluptuous on a 27 year old but makes me look like a badly-stuffed pillow. My hair is salt-and-pepper (albeit by choice), in a standard-issue middle-aged crop that's currently all wispy as I'm trying to grow it out. And I'm usually a carer/work at home in a rural area, so don't have any 'going out' clothes. Can't even wear heels just now as I have a broken toe .

It turned out that I can't go anyway for other reasons, but I really was wondering whether, despite the good company and good music, I would have hated every moment because I'd have felt so out of place. A crowd of shiny-haired beauties and a fat old lady. It was a real wake-up call, because I've obviously internalised a lot more ageism than I thought I had . I'm trying to tell myself that it's more a lifestyle issue, and if I lost some weight and went out a bit more I'd probably feel a bit more comfortable about it.

Pettywoman I'm 41 and revelling in being more invisible. I was never any great looker to be fair, but now I'm older I find there's less pressure to look fab. I'm a mum, and a grandmother and people expect me to be mumsy.

Especially at work, where everyone else is in their twenties. I'm finding that a great advantage, that age gap, it's not a looks thing at work (retail) but because I'm old enough to be their mum, they tend to treat me with the same respect and I often find that customers will speak to me rather than the younger ones if they have a problem.

I find now I'm heading into middle age, I can now be me, instead of the idealised version of me that the media suggests we be. I rarely wear make-up, rarely dye my hair (though I've not got many greys yet) and dress how I please. I can't see that changing. My attitude is now firmly 'no fucks given' and that's very freeing.

I'm in my fifties .. I dress as I like - usually jeans and hoodies or leggings and short skirts with vest tops and cardies .. boots or converse ... I feel comfortable like that.

I have a teenage daughter who likes hanging out with me and 2 adult children who say I'm cool, that's good enough for me.

I do dislike the aches and pains, the health issues that are starting, the tiredness. I don't like the thought of being past middle aged, I guess closer to dying, the thought scares me.