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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of my ex-IL's playing favourites?

21 replies

wheresthewine36 · 21/11/2016 20:15

My ex-partners parents have a total of 15 GC, 5 of whom are my DC. Three of the GC are constantly given preferential treatment, from weekly sleepovers to holidays with the Grand parents. I used to comment on this to my ex but stopped when I realised what an impossible situation I was putting him in. My DC have asked a few times why they don't get to sleepover etc. but I have so far managed to distract them from a proper answer.
This year, their DD will be taking the DC to his parents house on Christmas Eve and I know they will notice three stockings hanging over the fire with their cousins names on. Just those three. None for the other DGC's, who will all visit and see the stockings for the "chosen ones".

AIBU to think it's a really shitty thing for them to do and to wonder why they don't see how hurtful it is?

OP posts:
BratFarrarsPony · 21/11/2016 20:19

Frankly I wouldn't let them go. They do not need that shit in their lives.

Original poster
wheresthewine36 · 21/11/2016 20:26

I haven't really got a choice about them going - they'll be going during their dad's access. When we were together, his family were a huge bone of contention which undoubtedly contributed to our split.

OP posts:
Stripeyblanket · 21/11/2016 20:33

That is so horrible. How can anyone do that to a child never mind their own GC for goodness sake!

I'd as ex-dp to mention it to his parents and ask how they think it makes the children feel. If they can't see any issue then he should ask them to take the stockings down until your DC have left.

I never understood why parents and grandparents openly show favouritism. It causes so much hurt.

BratFarrarsPony · 21/11/2016 20:38

oh that's nasty....

As Stripey suggested, mention it to the ex I suppose...not much else you can do...

wobblywonderwoman · 21/11/2016 20:39

That is really cruel but I don't think you can stop access.

What you could do is get them similar stockings for your house and say that their presents come to your house but the grandchildren sleep at granny's so they get those there.

But it is awful and they might realise what's going on

needmymouthsewnup · 21/11/2016 20:43

Have you spoken t the parents of the other 7 GC who are also not favoured to see how they feel? Could you all talk to the in laws together to try to get them to see how unfair it is on the kids? Surely their kids must feel the same too, assuming they are old enough to notice.

Original poster
wheresthewine36 · 21/11/2016 20:45

My ex has spoken to his DP's about it before and it has only ever resulted in arguments. For the last 2 years we were together, I didn't see his family at all because of issues like this, despite living 5 minutes from his DP's. I will mention it to him but I know he won't speak to his DP's about it. I think my DC will ask me about it and I really don't know what to say to minimise the effect it will have on them.

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Ragwort · 21/11/2016 20:48

If your children ask you direct, why don't you just say that you don't know and they need to ask their Dad or the grandparents?

Don't let them see that you are concerned about it and perhaps they won't be as worried as you think they might be. Be careful you are not projecting your thoughts on to the children.

kittybiscuits · 21/11/2016 20:48

It's a very difficult position to be in for you and the DCs. I don't think you can protect them from it, as such, but I think it's good to talk honestly with the DCs and validate their feelings. I also would want to ensure that they are not made to feel any sense of obligation to these family members who are so careless and hurtful towards them.

BratFarrarsPony · 21/11/2016 20:49

I think that is good advice from Ragwort.
Just do not mention it to the children yourself, at all.
See what they say to you.

blueturtle6 · 21/11/2016 20:49

Distraction maybe. If they ask tilt head and say I don't know, let's go make hot chocolate etc

kittybiscuits · 21/11/2016 20:50

In a similar situation, I said that I didn't understand it either but that it was because of the GPs and nothing to do with my lovely children. They have voted with their feet as they have grown older.

Original poster
wheresthewine36 · 21/11/2016 20:55

Wobbly, they have their stockings at home but know that their cousins also have stockings at their own house so I think they'll see through that, unfortunately.

Need, I don't actually have any contact with any of exdp's siblings. His DS is mother to the "chosen ones" (sounds awful, the situation isn't their fault) so is happy with the way things are. His DB's take a similar approach to ex - "it is what it is" :-/ Hugely frustrating.

They are my DC's only grandparents as I lost both my mum and dad before the DC's were born. It makes me so sad.

OP posts:
FRETGNIKCUF · 21/11/2016 20:55

Why not do a deal with youre ? Be the bad guy. You can both say that you're having the dcs and he can go to his DPs without the kids who are treated like shit.

FRETGNIKCUF · 21/11/2016 20:55

Your ex

Original poster
wheresthewine36 · 21/11/2016 21:01

Ragwort, Brat and Blue, I've never mentioned any of it to the DC's and have used the distraction method when they've asked about sleepovers/holidays/days out etc. Now they are older, I don't think they will be easily put off an answer and I am worried that not answering might lead them to draw their own conclusions. I don't want them to think it's something they've done or to feel inadequate.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 21/11/2016 21:05

^^ that's exactly why you shouldn't swerve it if they talk about it.

Leanin15yearsmaybe · 21/11/2016 21:06

I can only sympathise without offering a solution I'm afraid. My ex mil only has 3 GC's. 2 of which are mine but exH is very unreliable and rarely sees them. The other GC is her DD's whom she has raised (ex sil unreliable too). However whenever I take my DC's over she makes a clear divide, particularly at Christmas....mine get a selection box each whereas the other GC gets literally £500 worth of electronics/gadgets/gifts etc. 'Because she lives with me and her mum is such a disappointment' (so is you frickin son!!) I'm not materialistic and my DC's have been taught to be thankful for what they get, and profer thanks to the giver... however they are of an age that they do notice the difference. It's a big difference Sad

It's hard though isn't it, first instinct is to protect their feelings and remove them from the situation but you can't all the time.

Following this thread for advice too!

blueturtle6 · 21/11/2016 21:08

Was the chosen ones parents a favourite too?
Maybe another time not Xmas sit them down and explain sometime not treated fairly etc, but point put you'd never do that to them and you love them all equally?

blueturtle6 · 21/11/2016 21:09

Or get extra stocking for them to take to GPs to hang up, hopefully shame them into it (clutching at straws)

Original poster
wheresthewine36 · 21/11/2016 21:27

Lean, they do that, too, though not quite as bog a difference. Grandparents have me choose a present for them.to the value of £25 then reimburse me. The "chosen ones" got an ipad each last year. My DC's won't notice that difference, thankfully, as they dont spend Christmas day with any of them.
Blue, their mother is the only girl and if she feels aggrieved, will withold contact wit the children. She's a joy (also rather charmingly encouraged some of her friends to hit on my ex while we were still together).
I actually really like the idea of sending stockings with the DC, Blue...

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