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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"daddy was doing press-ups on mummy" AIBU to be smarting with embarrassment...

81 replies

docomein · 20/11/2016 13:18

DS who is 7 walked in on us in the middle of the night and caught us at it. DH saw him straight away, was right at the point of delivery, DS must have seen a couple of seconds worth though. This morning he saw the neighbour and told her all about it, including a rendition of the funny noises mummy was making which apparently were so loud they woke him up. We were a bit drunk, had just sent the babysitter home. I checked on him in his room and he was sound asleep, closed door.

How can I stop him telling everyone?

OP posts:
iloveeverykindofcat · 20/11/2016 14:31

When I was that age I knew the 'seed' from a man had to enter the woman's 'egg' but not the mechanism. I assumed it happened via whole-body osmosis through the clothing. /tangent,

Original poster
docomein · 20/11/2016 14:35

tbh, it would be really interesting to know how people explain sex to children - always good to get ideas. I found out very gradually. It was the seventies and my parents were very prudish and embarrassed. I remember that when I was at senior school, maybe in Y7, I knew the man put his penis in the vagina, but I didn't know it was an in out affair, or that semen came out. I was very Confused about the whole thing despite laughing hysterically at the jokes!

OP posts:
missyB1 · 20/11/2016 14:37

Our 7 year old heard us having sex the other night, he was in his room but his door was open. He shouted to us "are you two bouncing on the bed? Can I play?" EEEK!

VestalVirgin · 20/11/2016 14:37

You should talk to him about sex before he learns it from porn ... hm, okay, apparently you have prevented that already, so, good for you! Wink

Just tell him that you had sex and that it is private, and one doesn't talk about it in public ... and also watching is a no-go.

If he asks for details you can explain more, if he doesn't, well, he can remain as ignorant as he wants.

You have a child, people already know that you have sex, so ... no big deal.

ChocolateWombat · 20/11/2016 14:38

It's unlikely he will be telling everyone he meets about what happened, because no doubt he will quickly forget all about it.....because rightly, it won't be a big deal in his mind.

However, a simple conversation about sex at some point would be in order. Also, a simple conversation about a few things that we don't tell the world about is also useful. It's important that they hear the right message here, not that they can't ever express concerns about things at home...because that's how abuse can be kept quiet for years....and OP I'm in no way suggesting there is any abuse in your home.

I remember having the conversation with my dad about some things staying in the home. It was after we had spent the day at a friends and the friend had said to my mum that she she liked her new dress and I piped up that it had come from a jumble sale. My mum was really mortified. Later we had a conversation about how we don't talk about things outside the home that might embarrass each other. We came up with a list of things like having diarrhoea, having done a stupid thing, what someone looks like naked, etc etc and the general principle of thinking about if that person would like the world to know about it. It made me more sensitive about what I said afterwards. Your DS is old enough to have that kind of conversation and understand....it's not just about seeing sex.

Coconutty · 20/11/2016 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife · 20/11/2016 14:41

Get him "mummy laid an egg" by babette cole ....

Str4ngedaysindeed · 20/11/2016 14:43

Eldest dd came in on us once when she was 8 and just stood there. When I opened my eyes and saw her, dh said immediately ' i was having a bit of an asthma attack and mummy was helping me'. 'oh' said dd dismissively ' I thought you were having sex' and walked out.

VestalVirgin · 20/11/2016 14:45

tbh, it would be really interesting to know how people explain sex to children - always good to get ideas.

There's illustrated books for children of your son's age. I had one with a cute little storyline where the protagonist gets a little sibling and the parents explain why.

ChocolateWombat · 20/11/2016 14:46

It's easy to talk about sex if you don't feel embarrassed yourself. Just see it as explaining some facts, in the same way you explain other facts to him.

  • when someone's had a baby - ask the Q, do you know how the baby came out? Do you know how the baby was in there in the first place? Do you know how it got there?

SImply looking to explain the baby comes out of vagina, that it was made by a sperm and egg getting together, that the egg is already in the mummy and the sperm from the daddy gets there by penis in vagina......well obviously, you know the facts! But I've always explained it in stages and not all at once....so 3 or 4 year old knew baby came out of vagina or whatever you call it. 5 year old knew that baby made when egg and sperm meet and women have eggs a DM men sperm. 6 year old knew how sperm got to egg.

When I explained the last part to my 6 year old whilst sailing on a boat (they asked how does the sperm get to the egg) and I explained, they simply said 'In there?' Slightly incredulously. So I said it again and explained it briefly again, toe check they had understood. They then nodded and we moved onto talking about something different. For the child, it wasn't a big deal, just another fact they learned that day. It didn't strike them as a more important fact or step towards growing up or understanding that we think of it as.....and that's the way to approach it.....not as a big deal explanation, but just another fact.

diddl · 20/11/2016 14:48

If you were there when he started to tell the neighbour then why on earth didn't you stop him?

I mean he was mimicking the voices you made!!

PollyPerky · 20/11/2016 14:50

Oh yes Daily Fail here this thread comes.....

Graphista · 20/11/2016 14:50

I'm a very open mum in regard to sex and by 8 my daughter pretty much knew the lot! Regarding 'why does a boy need to know' - so he can be understanding of the girls he spends time with and what they're going through? I'm initially thinking of any 8/9 year olds at school starting puberty but also you. Does he really know NOTHING about sex, babies periods? Have you discussed privacy, bodily autonomy with him?

I had extremely prudish parents and my sister started her periods at just turned 9, she had NO IDEA what was happening and was terrified!

Boys are entering puberty earlier too, he may soon start experiencing arousal, more frequent and stronger erections, wet dreams, have you discussed any of this with him?

More open attitudes on this subject (in age and personality appropriate ways) have proven to reduce the risks of abuse, teen pregnancy and sti's. Yes I know he's a long way off HAVING sex but it's an ongoing gradual process preparing him for sexual relationships.

I wish more parents (not just mums) would realise it's JUST as important if your child is a son. Maybe then there wouldn't be so much sexism, issues with consent etc

PollyPerky · 20/11/2016 14:52

I think it's all the talk of eggs and seeds that confuse children who are young. I mean, eggs are eggs and seeds are flowers etc surely?

ClashCityRocker · 20/11/2016 14:56

Yup, my wee neice after being given the seed talk ended up with the idea that babies came from B&Q.

To be fair, 'mummy laid an egg' taught me a few things. I had no idea people did it like that!

Original poster
docomein · 20/11/2016 15:04

Perhaps I am a bit behind with the chats. I'm not remotely embarrassed to talk about it but DS is still at the 'yuck' stage. Plus when you've just got back from a great party and up for some top notch albeit thankfully vanilla shagging, your answers are what they are iyswim.

OP posts:
Original poster
docomein · 20/11/2016 15:05

polly you may be right there - I'll take a look at that book

OP posts:
MsHooliesCardigan · 20/11/2016 15:16

docomein I had exactly the same understanding as you. I knew that the man put his willy inside the lady but knew nothing about him moving it or ejaculation. I thought he just put it in, they both lay there for 5 minutes and then he took it out again. I also thought that people only had sex to make babies i.e. I thought that if a couple had 3 children, that meant they'd 'done it' 3 times.
I was a child of the 70's with the most prudish parents ever. They told me nothing about sex. When it came to periods, my DM left a book on my bed which was written by nuns and mostly talked about kittens.
I always vowed that I would be more open with my own children but I don't find it easy. I haven't had 'the talk' with any of them as I know they learn it at school but I have always answered their questions even though it makes me want to cringe when I get asked,'What's a boner?' or 'What's a blow job?' When I told DD what a BJ was, she literally spent an hour going 'Euggh, that's gross!' When she asked me if DH and I do that, I just told her that some things are private.

Original poster
docomein · 20/11/2016 15:25

Thanks MsHoolies - I would love to see that book about periods and kittens!

I looked at mummy laid an egg but it doesn't convey the idea of sex for the fun of it. I don't want DS to think we were making a baby as this is the thing he most wants in the world - but it's not going to happen. He knows all about the eggs in the woman's body, and that we are born with our eggs (this is important to him, as apparently, there was no time before him!) so I think we're half there with the facts. But that doesn't help me explain to him why we were having sex and why I was making noises. I will have to convey that it is pleasurable. For a child who plays with his willy as much as he does it should follow logically...

OP posts:
JustWoman · 20/11/2016 15:32

tbh, it would be really interesting to know how people explain sex to children - always good to get ideas.

With dd, it wasn't so much as explaining everything in one go, but more of a adding stuff to what she knew as she asked more specific questions as she got older. I can't remember when she first started asking, but I remember her asking why I sometimes wear a nappy like her, so she'll have been about 2 then. She insisted on calling sanitary towels "mammy nappies" Blush

She knew what sex was by about 6, we'd seen dogs shagging in the street and a few weeks afterwards she asked if its the same process for humans, the in out, in out stuff.

in the same school year a few boys in her year were discussing women's smelly pussies and other things they'd seen in some porn clip.

I wasn't prepared for that, questions about sex and how babies are made, yes. questions about porn and the stuff she'd heard the boys say such as "making her gag on his dick" I wasn't even contemplating at 6/7 years old.

I now know it's not unusual for boys that age to have seen inappropriate stuff, and that even though I monitor what she hears and sees at home, other parents don't, adult content can be blocked on your own DCs devices but there's a good chance that friends or older siblings of friends can show them content they shouldn't be looking at on their own devices.
It's not always intentional, the most innocent of search terms brings up porn, I know some of the parents of the boys I mentioned earlier were shocked, they were not aware of just how easy it is to access so hadn't set up controls.

Mittensonastring · 20/11/2016 15:42

Wait till they are teens and have heard you even though its the middle of the night and you thought they were asleep and they tell you that you are disgusting over breakfast.

We replied be glad we still love each other and tbh we thought you were asleep, were you checking your phone?

JustWoman · 20/11/2016 15:42

You could say some people have sex to make a baby, but lots of people including you and his dad also have sex because it feels nice. That there's medicines and things people take/do to block the seed so that they don't have a baby.

If you have to explain the noises you could compare it to the mmmmmm people make when they are smelling a nice perfume or eating something delicious?

I can't remember how I explained orgasms to dd, but I think it's because little bits were just added on as she got older.

Graphista · 20/11/2016 15:44

Books are great to supplement what you're teaching but I don't think they should be the main source.

I explained pretty early on that 'it feels nice' and is fun and is also a way to feel close to someone you're in a romantic relationship with.

Albadross · 20/11/2016 15:47

I remember when we had our first ever sex ed class in primary school just thinking 'Well I did not expect that!'. It just seemed so odd that you'd ever want to put those parts of your body and someone else's anywhere near each other! I also didn't know you had to move about and thought that you had sex for the number of babies you wanted and no other time.

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