DH, two young DC and sleep

[Bee182814]

I'm just after honest opinions as to who is BU here so please don't flame me, im tired and my brain is frazzled so just trying to get perspective.

We have 2 DC, oldest is 2 and is a truly awful sleeper. Youngest is 12 weeks and isn't a bad sleeper for her age. She is EBF if that's relevant.

Before youngest was born I always did nightshift with toddler and early mornings as I'm a sahm. Except in very late pregnancy DH did do a bit so I could rest. We agreed once baby was born that DH would deal with toddler at night and i would tend to baby due to the breastfeeding. DH works full time so I do also help with the toddler, getting up with him every morning without fail from 4.30 onwards. DH does deal with him during the night but its more 50/50 now I would say. I go to him if I hear him unless im already feeding the baby. Obviously I deal with baby. DH has never once got up with her in the night. She's in a side sleeper crib next to me so I hear her before she's properly awake and tend to her.

So the problem is this really...every morning DH throws a huge strop over lack of sleep. He usually goes in to spare bed and goes back to bed and is rarely up before 9 on weekends. I've never had or even been offered to do this since DD was born. During the week its the same story really, I get up with kids whenever DS is up, DH goes back to bed until he absolutely has to get up for work.

He shouts at DS for having had a bad night yet doesn't do anything about it - I've said (and have on the occasions that I go to him during the night) that we need to. Stick to a rigid strategy for dealing with him ie putting him back in his own bed if he gets in with us etc but DH just can't accept that, we all then have a rubbish night, DH wakes up, has a strop, shouts at DS, DS cries, DH goes back to bed then im left to deal with tearful, overtired toddler and12 week old baby having had not a lot of sleep myself.

Now I know that im a sahm and that DH works but i am just very tired... Who is BU here? My whole body aches with tiredness and I feel very tearful and anxious and I cant get perspective to see if its me or him.

DH is always apologetic when he rolls out of bed and usually buys me something it takes me out for lunch.... But that's not the same as sleep which is what I need.

Sorry for the ramble and moan. By all means tell me to pull my big girl pants up and get on with it if im being a whinger!

[Gowgirl]

You have my every sympathy I've got a 'tired' husband here. A couple of weeks ago I let him lay in then calmly told him I was off out because the dcs were driving me crazy, they were particually clingy and difficault and by the time I strolled in and asked what was for dinner he was pulling his hair out. He said later he just didn't realise how relentless they were all day every day because as a sahp it becomes mummy by default.
By the way I had a grew day wandering on my own😁

[Wallywobbles]

I did everything between midnight and 6 he did the rest. It worked well with the first. She slept through at 8 weeks until just before DD2s birth. She then didn't sleep for 14 months. When I went back to work 13 weeks after DD2 it was a killer.

[penguinsdontquack]

Fessmess and bee I can relate with you both entirely. Since having our daughter and being at home on maternity I tend to all the night feeds/wake ups during the week due to partners work of shifts and he'll sleep in the spare room so he gets a good nights sleep! I'm used to this and can get through the week, however come the weekend he joins us in the bedroom! I have to ask him to do a feed if I'm sooo tired which he will do but my god if he's had a disturbed night do we know about it! I don't remember the last time I had a lie in :( but throughout the day he's amazing and tends to us, cooks, cleans and does jobs I haven't. I feel for you* DS Bee* I know tiredness affects us all differently but it's not fair to take it out on a child.

[NewlySkinnyMe]

Ok. This is exactly the same situation that I'm in. The difference being that my DH doesn't let me get up with the toddler. He does all her wakeups and i do all our 5 month olds wakeups. His theory being that i did all the toddler wakeups till she was 23 months. So he will do them.

He always gives me lie ins at weekends. Even if just 1 day.

Your dh is being selfish.

[Bee182814]

So to answer a few questions...

We have a spare bed so he could co sleep with DS but gets very angry at DS fidgeting and kicking him in his sleep. This is what usually starts the morning strop/shouting is that DS has got in to our bed and is fidgeting and kicking in his sleep. So no, he won't go and co sleep in spare bed with him, despite the fact that the bed wad bought specifically for that.

Cleaner...we did have one but DH said we couldn't afford the cleaner and DS two mornings at nursery a week. Fair enough I guess although I wouldn't know as no access to the bank accounts or credit cards. They're all in his name. Again, its another thread.

[Gowgirl]

I would be more worried that you cant access the money tbh. We only have one card to the main account but I take cash as needed on it and have a bank transfer to my own account every month.

[Bee182814]

Yes I know its not right. He gives me the cash card but is very vague about what I can and can't spend so I rarely use it as not sure if the money is earmarked etc. I do have my online shopping set up linked to his credit card which alleviates a lot of worries. Anyway, I digress. Thank you all for very helpful suggestions there's a lot to go on here.

[Bee182814]

When I say online shopping I mean just Tesco's, not Harvey Nichols or anything

[Comtesse]

So it's not just sleep then is it? Oh dear

[ScrumpyBetty]

I wouldn't know as no access to the bank accounts or credit cards. They're all in his name. Again, its another thread.

Brrrrring....sorry that was the sound of alarm bells ringing in my ear. Does he control how much money you have access to? Is it fair?

[Gowgirl]

I think you need to talk to him about your finances, maybe he could draw cash each month its miserable having no money. He may not realise he's being controlling.

[Bee182814]

He always says im perfectly welcome to look at the accounts and check the balances and see where where the spare money is so that I can spend as I see fit (I don't suspect there is a great deal to be fair.)

[Bee182814]

Yes I suspect he doesn't realise that this is unusual. He's not tight. Just a bit erratic. One day very concerned about money, money is really tight etc etc, the next he's all Ahhh don't worry about it.

[Gowgirl]

Mine said this but its all online and linked to his phone, in the end we came up with a bank transfer as I was worried about overspending, dh laughed and pointed out there was plenty so I now take his card and let him know when the current account needs topping up!
Maybe you need to sit down and work out where the money is...

[Gowgirl]

Plus the responsibility for running the financesmay be getting to him, he might prefer you to share it...

[Bee182814]

Yes I think you're right. I will bring it up today. He's out of bed now making the breakfast.

[Gowgirl]

Enjoy your breakfast, I'm just about to send the two youngest to "wake up daddy" while I have a shower..

[HyacinthFuckit]

Why are you the one having to pick up the pieces when DH has a go at your toddler?

Also yes, money, red flag. I wouldn't tolerate that for even one second. You say you're a SAHM, I presume you mean you don't have a job at all rather than just being on ML from one? That needs to change. I'm not saying go to work right now, but no source of income and no access to family money is not a position you want to be in.

[EweAreHere]

He's not being fair. He's not thinking of you at all, that you must be just as tired if not more tired than he is, based on your (lack of) sleep patterns due to the baby and toddle.

You should each have a lie in at the weekend, and he should be stepping up more with the toddler as promised and as needed.

[Bee182814]

Hyacinth, no im not on ML, I haven't worked since before DS was born I have made a bit of a plan to get back to work when DD turns 1. I have loved being at home but I feel I would like to wotk again for many reasons. This being one of them.

[Loraline]

Can your Dh take both kids out for a bit on a weekend day to let you rest? Baby in sling so they'll sleep for a bit and take toddler for a walk, or to local library?

[Bee182814]

He can't cope with the both. Youngest just cries whenever she's handed to him, she is very attached to me. To be fair he does take the toddler out to the shops with him for 20 mins here and there. I will suggest they go to soft play together later

[OutragedKoala]

He shouldn't shout at the kids but if your job is to look after the kids that's what you have to do.

[HyacinthFuckit]

What, even though that's a 24 hour job and his isn't?

[Nanny0gg]

He shouldn't shout at the kids but if your job is to look after the kids that's what you have to do.

Oh dear.