Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Unflip

1 2 3

AIBU?

DH, two young DC and sleep

58 replies

Bee182814 · 20/11/2016 07:22

I'm just after honest opinions as to who is BU here so please don't flame me, im tired and my brain is frazzled so just trying to get perspective.

We have 2 DC, oldest is 2 and is a truly awful sleeper. Youngest is 12 weeks and isn't a bad sleeper for her age. She is EBF if that's relevant.

Before youngest was born I always did nightshift with toddler and early mornings as I'm a sahm. Except in very late pregnancy DH did do a bit so I could rest. We agreed once baby was born that DH would deal with toddler at night and i would tend to baby due to the breastfeeding. DH works full time so I do also help with the toddler, getting up with him every morning without fail from 4.30 onwards. DH does deal with him during the night but its more 50/50 now I would say. I go to him if I hear him unless im already feeding the baby. Obviously I deal with baby. DH has never once got up with her in the night. She's in a side sleeper crib next to me so I hear her before she's properly awake and tend to her.

So the problem is this really...every morning DH throws a huge strop over lack of sleep. He usually goes in to spare bed and goes back to bed and is rarely up before 9 on weekends. I've never had or even been offered to do this since DD was born. During the week its the same story really, I get up with kids whenever DS is up, DH goes back to bed until he absolutely has to get up for work.

He shouts at DS for having had a bad night yet doesn't do anything about it - I've said (and have on the occasions that I go to him during the night) that we need to. Stick to a rigid strategy for dealing with him ie putting him back in his own bed if he gets in with us etc but DH just can't accept that, we all then have a rubbish night, DH wakes up, has a strop, shouts at DS, DS cries, DH goes back to bed then im left to deal with tearful, overtired toddler and12 week old baby having had not a lot of sleep myself.

Now I know that im a sahm and that DH works but i am just very tired... Who is BU here? My whole body aches with tiredness and I feel very tearful and anxious and I cant get perspective to see if its me or him.

DH is always apologetic when he rolls out of bed and usually buys me something it takes me out for lunch.... But that's not the same as sleep which is what I need.

Sorry for the ramble and moan. By all means tell me to pull my big girl pants up and get on with it if im being a whinger!

OP posts:

Report

Gowgirl · 22/11/2016 10:17

Glad your discussion went well op, hopefully things will be a lot better from now on

Hissy · 21/11/2016 18:03

One dinner means nothing in the scheme of equality. I guess he's just throwing you a bone to shut you up for a day or so.

Keep pushing, don't let him off a thing.

Draw up an agreement and stick to it.

Otherwise you WILL get ill and he'll actually have to be a parent...

I couldn't stay with someone this fucking useless. If he's man enough to impregnate you, twice, he's supposedly mature enough to take on the consequences of his ejaculation.

ScrumpyBetty · 21/11/2016 17:27

Aaah that's great news, so pleased for you Bee

Bee182814 · 21/11/2016 17:11

Yes I agree with what you're saying hissy, its ridiculous and I've let it go on too long. We've had quite a long chat about things yesterday and come to an arrangement re finances and children and sleep. I had the best evening last night with dinner cooked for me and was able to go off and have a bath as he did bedtime for the toddler and looked after the baby, gave her a bottle after I expressed etc. Lie in arrangements and plan of action for toddlers sleeping ate in place.

OP posts:

Hissy · 21/11/2016 16:55

Oh bless, goady panda here again? Haven't you got hands to comb?

Hissy · 21/11/2016 16:52

He can't cope with both?

What if you were ill? Or worse? Would he just get rid of one?

This is no man, no father. He's a prick, and potentially manipulative and controlling one.

AltheaThoon · 20/11/2016 14:23

"He shouldn't shout at the kids but if your job is to look after the kids that's what you have to do."

I mean...wtf? It's not even worth responding to that is it? Op, you know (I hope) that's not true. You're both parents...the load should be shared where possible. It's difficult with a clingy baby but he should be able to do more than 20 minutes with the toddler before coming home - that doesn't give you any time!

Bee182814 · 20/11/2016 14:21

I shan't dignify that with a response

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 20/11/2016 13:10

He shouldn't shout at the kids but if your job is to look after the kids that's what you have to do.

Oh dear.

HyacinthFuckit · 20/11/2016 12:17

What, even though that's a 24 hour job and his isn't?

OutragedKoala · 20/11/2016 11:58

He shouldn't shout at the kids but if your job is to look after the kids that's what you have to do.

Bee182814 · 20/11/2016 10:28

He can't cope with the both. Youngest just cries whenever she's handed to him, she is very attached to me. To be fair he does take the toddler out to the shops with him for 20 mins here and there. I will suggest they go to soft play together later

OP posts:

Loraline · 20/11/2016 09:40

Can your Dh take both kids out for a bit on a weekend day to let you rest? Baby in sling so they'll sleep for a bit and take toddler for a walk, or to local library?

Bee182814 · 20/11/2016 09:24

Hyacinth, no im not on ML, I haven't worked since before DS was born I have made a bit of a plan to get back to work when DD turns 1. I have loved being at home but I feel I would like to wotk again for many reasons. This being one of them.

OP posts:

EweAreHere · 20/11/2016 09:23

He's not being fair. He's not thinking of you at all, that you must be just as tired if not more tired than he is, based on your (lack of) sleep patterns due to the baby and toddle.

You should each have a lie in at the weekend, and he should be stepping up more with the toddler as promised and as needed.

HyacinthFuckit · 20/11/2016 09:16

Why are you the one having to pick up the pieces when DH has a go at your toddler?

Also yes, money, red flag. I wouldn't tolerate that for even one second. You say you're a SAHM, I presume you mean you don't have a job at all rather than just being on ML from one? That needs to change. I'm not saying go to work right now, but no source of income and no access to family money is not a position you want to be in.

Gowgirl · 20/11/2016 09:15

Enjoy your breakfast, I'm just about to send the two youngest to "wake up daddy" while I have a shower..

Bee182814 · 20/11/2016 09:13

Yes I think you're right. I will bring it up today. He's out of bed now making the breakfast.

OP posts:

Gowgirl · 20/11/2016 09:12

Plus the responsibility for running the financesmay be getting to him, he might prefer you to share it...

Gowgirl · 20/11/2016 09:09

Mine said this but its all online and linked to his phone, in the end we came up with a bank transfer as I was worried about overspending, dh laughed and pointed out there was plenty so I now take his card and let him know when the current account needs topping up!
Maybe you need to sit down and work out where the money is...

Bee182814 · 20/11/2016 09:08

Yes I suspect he doesn't realise that this is unusual. He's not tight. Just a bit erratic. One day very concerned about money, money is really tight etc etc, the next he's all Ahhh don't worry about it.

OP posts:

Bee182814 · 20/11/2016 09:04

He always says im perfectly welcome to look at the accounts and check the balances and see where where the spare money is so that I can spend as I see fit (I don't suspect there is a great deal to be fair.)

OP posts:

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Gowgirl · 20/11/2016 09:03

I think you need to talk to him about your finances, maybe he could draw cash each month its miserable having no money. He may not realise he's being controlling.

ScrumpyBetty · 20/11/2016 09:01

I wouldn't know as no access to the bank accounts or credit cards. They're all in his name. Again, its another thread.

Brrrrring....sorry that was the sound of alarm bells ringing in my ear. Does he control how much money you have access to? Is it fair?

Comtesse · 20/11/2016 08:57

So it's not just sleep then is it? Oh dear

Unflip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.