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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To chose husband over friend ...

94 replies

MrsExpo · 19/11/2016 16:39

A situation has arisen where I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, as it were. I either chose option A and totally p off my DH, OR chose option B and totally p off one of my closest friends. There really is no middle ground on this one.

Having given the matter a lot of thought to try to find a compromise and failed, I chose option B. Now friend is very upset, and I'm upset because I've upset her. I have explained the situation to her in detail, and while she understands, she's still upset. DH is ok, of course.

There really is nothing I could do. AIBU?

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 19/11/2016 19:23

So basically your friend is pissed because you won't be around to help her with her horse? Considering that the move would be better for you and (I'm assuming) better for your horse, that's not really reasonable of her, is it?

I don't think the choice was between her and your DH. I think the choice was between your best interests and her best interests. If she can't understand that, then she's no friend.

Full or part livery is really a plus as long as you are 100% sure the care is good. I can remember dragging myself over to stables as a teen in the rain and when I was feeling ill to be sure my horse got taken care of. Being unable to afford livery was why I had to give him up in the end as once I got out of school and had to go to work I no longer had the time to care for him as he deserved and we couldn't afford livery rates. Broke my heart.

goadyfuckersgetmygoat · 19/11/2016 19:23

I just think this place is bonkers and bloody sexist at times. I think with most people who said the op has made the right choice, based it on the fact that she would have to be there rain or shine with less riding time. She can freely plan her holiday knowing that the horse is well looked after.
She can decide to stay in knowing that the horse is well looked after.
She can decide to not to anything at all and the horse would be well looked after.
Who wouldn't want that if they can afford it.

It's you who is bonkers for thinking that she should keep that up.

diddl · 19/11/2016 19:27

Can't see what it's got to do with your friend tbh.

Presumably there's no one who you could pay to pay to look after your horse when you want rather than moving iyswim?

buttercup54321 · 19/11/2016 19:30

DH in this situation.

FantasticButtocks · 19/11/2016 19:31

Its not actually fair for either of these people to be pissed off with you, whatever you decided. Both a best friend and a spouse should have your best interests at heart, and be satisfied with whatever would suit you when you make arrangements for what to do about your horse. They both sound quite selfish and bossy, and they need to grow up and get over themselves.

Floggingmolly · 19/11/2016 19:32

Your friend is pissed off that you won't be available to do her "jobs" so she doesn't have to? Why are you giving her this sort of headspace?

Trills · 19/11/2016 19:34

Who is making this be a decision between your friend and your DH ?

Do other people always make your choices be about them?

Do you ever get to make a decision entirely for yourself?

Shouldn't it be a decision about what you want to do with your time and your money and your horse ?

TheBouquets · 19/11/2016 19:39

Maybe the OP and friend have been involved in horse things since they were teenagers and the DH is a new start in OP's life. OP and friend are horse people DH is not so may not understand the commitment to the horse and the horse community.

slenderisthenight · 19/11/2016 19:40

She's not thinking rationally because she's gutted and worried for her horse IMO.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 19/11/2016 19:45

Sounds like your friend is annoyed she hasn't got you to help her anymore. Moving your horse sounds like a much better idea tbh. If she has the hump, she's not a great friend is she.

Floggingmolly · 19/11/2016 19:53

Op has no commitment to the "horse community" 😄

Original poster

MrsExpo · 19/11/2016 20:06

Thanks again for all the replies. Some interesting points of view.

This is a decision I made myself, not one I was coerced into by either party. But I knew that friend would be upset at the loss of me as a support, and also she will now have to do more of the daily chores herself when I'm gone. I just hate upsetting people, but, at the end of the day, I had to make the move in the best interests of myself and my horse.

OP posts:

WinnieFosterTether · 19/11/2016 20:09

pictish I think posters on here complain when a husband has a time-consuming hobby which takes him away from his wife and young children. The OP says her DH is retired so I'm assuming the DH isn't being left to wrangle a young family on his own

Atenco · 19/11/2016 20:15

Oh pictish, I would have thought with both husband and wife being retired, it is very healthy for them to have a few outside interests, other they would be as if they were joined at the hip.

toldmywraath · 19/11/2016 20:18

OP I feel sorry for your friend's horse- and your horse as well. Surely the friendship bond between horses should have been given some more thought.

You are both retired & your husband wants more of your time? He's not worried about the money for extra livery services, could you not have put this toward hiring in someone occasionally to look after your horse & perhaps school her in hand?

mumonashoestring · 19/11/2016 20:24

If your friend has enjoyed a nice long period of you basically providing free yard help and is anything less than delighted for you at no longer having to skivvy then she's an ungrateful and ungracious troglodyte.

Just phrase it as an exciting chance for you to free up some time when you tell her and don't give her the option of being anything other than pleased for you without looking like a bitter miserybag. She bought a horse, if she's not prepared to put in the work that that entails she needs to have a think about how practical horse ownership is for her.

zad716 · 20/11/2016 07:21

atenco Totally agree, but if one of these outside interests consumes a lot of time literally every day then it's likely to become an issue unless both share the same (or similar) interest.

CatchIt · 20/11/2016 11:10

As a horse owner myself as well as a mother & wife, I agree with your decision.

Having a horse is supposed to be fun and it is very time consuming. Unfortunately with horses, it's either your time or your money.

I have my horse on full livery so I can go & see her when it's convenient for both me & dh.

I'm sorry your friend is being difficult but she's just going to have to lump it, there'll be other liveries for her to hang out with and maybe she or you can box over to each other to hack out together?

CatchIt · 20/11/2016 11:12

Oh, and the don't say horses cause divorces for nothing you know!

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