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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To chose husband over friend ...

94 replies

MrsExpo · 19/11/2016 16:39

A situation has arisen where I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, as it were. I either chose option A and totally p off my DH, OR chose option B and totally p off one of my closest friends. There really is no middle ground on this one.

Having given the matter a lot of thought to try to find a compromise and failed, I chose option B. Now friend is very upset, and I'm upset because I've upset her. I have explained the situation to her in detail, and while she understands, she's still upset. DH is ok, of course.

There really is nothing I could do. AIBU?

OP posts:
LackOfAdhesiveDucks · 19/11/2016 18:27

You've made the right choice for you.

Lots of people who have horses judge those of us that have horses on full or part livery harshly. I work full time in a job with hours that means I need to have someone else available to feed/turnout/muck my horses and it sounds like your lifestyle would benefit if you did too. It might mean your friend has to go out to do her own chores more often but she'll get used to it or find someone who is willing to split the work.

Mrsemcgregor · 19/11/2016 18:27

Also wondering why this has annoyed your friend? Is it because she will have to do more for her horse?

JustDanceAddict · 19/11/2016 18:27

I would've done the same as you in this scenario. Can you occasionally help your friend still? Do you see her outside the stables? Sounds like she will miss you there & is peed off, but if you still make an effort am sure it will be fine.

Nanny0gg · 19/11/2016 18:29

Is she worried that her horse will be lonely?

I assume she can't afford to move him.

VimFuego101 · 19/11/2016 18:30

As someone else said, this wasn't really a 'picking DH over friend' situation. You just made a choice that worked for you.

Does you moving your horse mean your friend will have to pay more for use of the field?

WinnieFosterTether · 19/11/2016 18:34

It's odd that you viewed it as a choice between your DH and your friend. Either you wanted to move your horse or you didn't.
It sounds as though you were quite happy with the current situation but your DH came up with this suggestion so you could spend time with him rather than your friend. Then you felt pressured to accept.
I can understand why your friend would be upset that you're moving your horse away but I don't understand why your DH would have been upset if you'd said you wanted to keep your horse where it is. It makes him sound a bit of a bossy bully.

Katy07 · 19/11/2016 18:42

Which is better for the horse? (Yes seriously)

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 19/11/2016 18:44

Yes, you've done the right thing, it's a no brainer really.
Your friend will be preturbed, she's lost her right hand man !
However, this is the way forward.

pictish · 19/11/2016 18:45

I don't understand why your friend would be pissed off in the long term. I mean sure, it's convenient for you guys to share a field and all that but you're both free agents and the arrangement was always liable to change at any time. Ultimately, her stabling and horse care is not your responsibility, so while it might not be to your friend's liking, she'd have to get over it.

iminshock · 19/11/2016 18:47

Many horsey women are nuts and unreasonable.

iminshock · 19/11/2016 18:48

Eg your friend.

pictish · 19/11/2016 18:50

To those of you suspecting the dh of bullying/being controlling etc...we often get posts on here bemoaning a dh's hobby taking him away from the family every weekend and nights during the week and it's an onslaught of replies detailing how selfish and immature he is.

The OP here disappears for an extended period every single day, sometimes for hours, to pursue her hobby. Why is it ok for a woman to complain about consuming hobbies but not a man?

FeralBeryl · 19/11/2016 18:50

I think one the face of it you e made the best decision - however, does DH have form for this? Facilitating other options that mean you're with him more or feel threatened by your relationships with other people?
I'm not suggesting he does btw, just looking for reasons that your friend would be so pissed off other than missing your company.
Can she afford/want to move too?

Atenco · 19/11/2016 18:52

I don't really see what this choice has to do with either your husband or your friend, actually. It is between you and your horse.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 19/11/2016 18:55

I don't think this is a question of 'putting husband first' because it's really very limited skin off his nose if you stay at the stables you're at. How do you actually feel about helping friend out?

draculasteabag · 19/11/2016 18:55

You made the right choice by choosing the new place. Well done.

pictish · 19/11/2016 18:55

P.s OP - I'm not saying what decision is right either way...I think you should do whatever suits you. I just think this place is bonkers and bloody sexist at times.

Man has a hobby that drinks up his time to the despair of his spouse - he's a selfish bastard. LTB.
Woman has a hobby that drinks up her time to the despair of her spouse - he's a selfish bastard.

Hmm
SlottedSpoon · 19/11/2016 18:57

Haven't read the thread so I have no idea about the backstory to your dilemma but from the OP alone I think you've made the right decision.

Either way you are going to upset someone but it's much easier and less complicated to lose a friendship than to lose a marriage. That's really all there is to it.

ChuckGravestones · 19/11/2016 18:59

Now friend is very upset

What is she upset about?

LouisvilleLlama · 19/11/2016 19:02

I think you did right, it's better for you and honestly I'd be abit annoyed if a DP had to leave for 3 hours everyday essentially making it so much harder to plan anything, days away etc

NapQueen · 19/11/2016 19:07

Surely you and your friend can still remain so even though you no longer share a yard?

Gosh id not expect to fall out with my close friends over something like this!

MatildaTheCat · 19/11/2016 19:17

No brainer.

Goodgriefisitginfizzoclock · 19/11/2016 19:18

Am horsey so do understand BUT you have made the right decision your friend should understand this. It's a HUGE commitment EVERY day and it's fair enough that your husband would like occasionally want not to hear no I can't do x have to do horses. Assume you have looked into getting a freelance in to do services? Twice a day, more if restricted turnout etc is a commitment. Can you hack over from new yard to see friend?

superbean · 19/11/2016 19:21

I am a horse person. Also have husband!

YANBU. She will need to advertise for another sharer. I can see she might be disappointed but that is all. People move yards all the time for different reasons. Your new yard has better facilities by the sound of it, extra help available and it is closer to you. What's not to like?

Horses are such a time consuming hobby, I've known relationships fail over the amount of time one of them spends at the yard (though golf can be the same). Be grateful your husband is understanding about the extra money it will cost, it's not like he is saying it's him or the horse is it?

If by leaving you are going to leave your friend in financial difficulty then I can understand she will also be cross, so I'd expect to give her reasonable paid notice. If it's not practical for her to stay where she is once you leave then she will need to find something that suits her better. That is all.

It does sound a bit like she is playing you off against your husband tbh.

Horsey people eh?

IEatCannibals · 19/11/2016 19:22

You've got to do what's right for you. If going to the new yard suits you better do that. If you would rather be at a yard where you can ride out with your friend then do that.

I would move yard!

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