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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To chose husband over friend ...

94 replies

MrsExpo · 19/11/2016 16:39

A situation has arisen where I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, as it were. I either chose option A and totally p off my DH, OR chose option B and totally p off one of my closest friends. There really is no middle ground on this one.

Having given the matter a lot of thought to try to find a compromise and failed, I chose option B. Now friend is very upset, and I'm upset because I've upset her. I have explained the situation to her in detail, and while she understands, she's still upset. DH is ok, of course.

There really is nothing I could do. AIBU?

OP posts:

gettingtherequickly · 19/11/2016 17:56

Surely this option is better for you as well as DH?

I think you've done the right thing, could your friend also move her horse?

Littleallovertheshop · 19/11/2016 17:56

It's not just about your DH though - it's easier for you too. All in option a is better - your friend is the unreasonable one. Yes, she's missing out, but thats just tough.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/11/2016 17:56

The correct answer is "which place did you prefer". Your horse, your time, your money.

Scooby20 · 19/11/2016 17:56

Did you want to love the horse too?

Sounds sensible to me. Not really picking your dh Iver the friend though.

Dozer · 19/11/2016 17:57

Moving sounds reasonable providing you have given adequate notice. More complicated if you doing so will make it impossible for your f to stable her horse there, but organising and paying for stables etc is her responsibility.

sykadelic · 19/11/2016 17:59

YANBU

You're not actually choosing your DH over your friend at all. You're making a choice that works for YOU (the perks affect you as well as him). Will your horse be okay with the change? Is there something about separating the horses that I don't understand will negatively affect them? And if not, why is your friend upset? Because you can't help her out anymore? Because she no longer gets the free time that you taking care of her horse afforded her? Did she help you out from time to time as well? Is there anything stopping her from her moving her horse as well?

Unless your horse will be negatively affected by this change, I don't see the problem.

ElspethFlashman · 19/11/2016 17:59

Definitely you chose the right option. If you can afford someone to take on backbreaking work for you, you'd be mad not to do it.

Meadows76 · 19/11/2016 17:59

Not much of a friend if she has a problem with you moving yards. Looks like she was only ever interested in having you do her horse for her. No contest, move horse and do what suits YOUR life and family.

NewUserName01 · 19/11/2016 17:59

Ok, I've read your update. I would definitely, definitely, definitely go for Option B and I say this as someone who has a pony. Your friend can't reasonable be annoyed about this.

mumofthemonsters808 · 19/11/2016 17:59

Just seen your update, not a problem in my eyes, your friend is being unreasonable.

LaPharisienne · 19/11/2016 18:00

I'm a horsey person and I understand the issue with your friend.

I presume that your husband isnt horsey and is willing to pay more so you spend less time at the stables?

I'd suggest you explain that to your friend and make it clear that otherwise you were really happy, you're sad to be leaving the yard and her and hope you'll still be able to hack out together?

If she's a good friend she'll understand. There's a reason why so many horsey women are single - horses take over your life!

LaPharisienne · 19/11/2016 18:01

Oh, YANBU

Tartyflette · 19/11/2016 18:01

Sorry but seems a no-brainer to me if it means changing yards will mean you can now go away for a few days with your DH. if the money isn't an issue, and it seems it's not, then I would certainly change yards, it's much more flexible and easier for you too. (Nearer home, help available etc) .
It might be a little hard on your friend but an arrangement like that would have come to an end sooner or later anyway, surely?

stabbytheunicorn · 19/11/2016 18:03

Well I had a friend that ended our friendship because her husband was basically a huge dick. He made her life a misery (probably still does) she would see me and another mutual friend on a regular basis and he took a huge dislike to both of us but never really said why. He'd skirt around the issue, mention something that happened but would never give details. To this day I'm still unsure of what I'm suppose to have done. Anyway, he made it impossible for her to spend time with either of us, he'd ignore her if she mentioned us, refused for us to visit their house, and when she did spend time with us it was like a huge elephant in the room, she'd talk about him as if he was the most wonderful husband in the whole wide world and we'd just smile and nod knowing he was a complete twat.

It came to a head and she cut ties with us. Well actually she wanted to remain "friends" that smile politely if they see each other in the street and have a quick catch up. All about keeping up appearances.

I on the other hand took it badly and told her to get lost. I was either a friend you spend time with or we were not friends. She seemed a bit taken aback by my response, like she thought it perfectly reasonable request.

I still believe to this day that her husband was/is a controlling bastard and he's emotional abuse made it impossible for her to continue with our friendships as he was horrid to her about it. I guess several years later while I'm bitter I generally feel sorry for her, but not that sorry as she refused to accept he was emotionally abusing her. She just couldn't or wouldn't link his behaviour to abuse.

So if your husband is being twattish and you are appeasing him because he's making your life miserable and the only way to make your home life better is to dump your friend then yes you are being a bit unreasonable.

CongresswomanCaveMum · 19/11/2016 18:04

Whilst it's nice to help your friend out, it is your friend's responsibility to look after her own horse and sure he has adequate care at all times. It's one of the things you have to accept as a horse owner. If she doesn't have the time she either needs to opt for part/full livery or consider a sharing arrangement.

Losingtheplod · 19/11/2016 18:04

I feel for your friend, but it really is a no brainer. I'm jealous of your new arrangement, as ours have just started coming in at night, and I'm back to mucking out every day!

alphabook · 19/11/2016 18:04

I'm not a horsey person so I don't get it, what's it got to do with your friend? Other than she won't have you helping out with her horse anymore, but considering you're doing her a favour she can't really complain. Is it that you're sharing the cost and she'll have to move her horse if you do? I can understand her being disappointed but you've made the right decision for you, I don't think she has the right to get annoyed with you about it.

RichardBucket · 19/11/2016 18:05

YANBU

Can't your friend moves hers to the new stable?

pinkandpurplesparkle · 19/11/2016 18:06

It's a shame to move away from your friend if you enjoy riding together etc. Yards can be social or anti-social - will the new yard offer friendship opportunities (and does that matter to you)? Would your friend be able to move with you? If she can't afford the assisted livery, could she do DIY at the new place?

Just thinking too - hope your DH doesn't see this as a green light to continue to grumble about the amount of time you spend with your horse - that would be a bit of a warning bell for me. Good luck though - hope your new yard is good

EverySongbirdSays · 19/11/2016 18:06

I'm not horsey. Possibly would be if I could easily access a stables...

From my POV you are doing the obvious thing - and if I was DH I'd be well brassed off with current arrangement.

It's a reasonable, practical choice.

Why is your friend acting as if you've betrayed her or someone died?

Seems a bit OTT!

Would like to hear her side as to why this is such a huge blow.

Starlight2345 · 19/11/2016 18:08

You state what your DH and friend want...What do you want?

RebelandaStunner · 19/11/2016 18:12

Yanbu. It's not your friends business where you keep your horse.
Without the extra information I would have said I would always put DH above any other friends anyway. I live with him and hopefully will spend the rest of my life with him. I don't have the sort of friendships that are as important as mine and DH's relationship.

Patriciathestripper1 · 19/11/2016 18:12

I would have put my horse first (I am horse owner) and thought what is best for him! But I see your dilemma. Choosing a livery stables at a bit like choosing an EPH for a beloved family member! Great if it's well run, not so great if when you go home the horses aren't fed or cared for properly.
If it is a good yard then your choice is win win all round for your horse and your husband as someone will be on hand to give plenty attention and keep him excercised. (Hubby as well haha) I do feel for your friend as it's great having horsey pals to hack out with and share stable duties with and that your horse has an all important field and stable buddy. But your priorities lie always with your family and happiness at home is more important than anything. Your friend (if she is a true friend) will understand this and get past it.

Soubriquet · 19/11/2016 18:13

It's what you want that matters more

If you enjoy doing all the cleaning and work with the horse stay with your stables

If you prefer to have someone else do it, move

Arfarfanarf · 19/11/2016 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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