Conflicted: potentially tiger mum

[Hereforthebeer]

I'm on AIBU to get some home truths

My DCs are primary. They are both really capable and doing well. My initial view of primary school as an outsider was that it was all about being happy and secure.
I don't always make them do homework, I mainly do the reading required but if we have activities, they miss it. I sometimes miss spelling tests and generally am aware of whats required but also want them to love learning and so am sensitive of when I think they need a break/dvd night. So basically i encourage learning, within reason.
Recently, i've been thinking perhaps this is wrong. They are essentially under achieving even though they are only just out of nappies and I should make them always do their best, even if i sit over them, they should always do what is required even if they are knackered and I should be more 'tiger', more competitive.
WWYD/WDYD?

[GreenGinger2]

We both work full time in demanding jobs with a commute and have 3 children the same age. We managed to do an hour a week. Many,many people do. It's funny but some families can manage running their kids round to football matches/ practise and sit on their phones or X boxes for hours but an hour a week on something their teacher wants them to do they can't manage. Seriously. I have known plenty of families in quite stressful situations or with stressful jobs who manage homework. So sorry it isn't unfair to say some can't be arsed,some can't. Some children desperately need to do their reading and homework. It needs to be the absolute priority if life chances are to be maximised.Schools will bend over backwards to help and facilitate the doing of homework. There is no excuse.

[Londonmamabychance]

Why do you think that homework is important? I don't quite understand it. In many counties they don't have a lot of homework and as others have pointed out on this thread, there wasn't always homework in this country. Why do you think ta so important that children study at home with their parents, in addition to studying at school? I'm not saying it can't be beneficial, I'm
Sure under the right circumstances it is and can be, what I'm questioning is the blanket enforcement and insist next on homework as if it was a crucial factor to how people do in life. Most of the learning should and do take place in school. This is one of the ways that you can level the playing Field for children from disadvantaged backgrounds, whose parents cannot help them with homework, whether they "can't be araed" or simply can't manage. By our insistence on making homework so important you are pushing these children for the failings of their parents.

[Londonmamabychance]

*punishing, not pushing and your not our, sorry, autocorrect

[Londonmamabychance]

As someone who has worked as a teacher, I can also tell you that homework is a PITA. The kids who already do well will show up with perfectly completed assignments, and the kids who are already a struggling will show up and not having done it. It only emphasises the difference. And if you planned your lesson on the basis of everyone having done their homework (you soon realise this is a rookie mistake) then it all falls apart when several or up to one third or half of the kids have not done the task assigned. My approach would be to encourage reading at home by trying to kindle the children's love of literature and encouraging parents to read with them, and to give high achieving students extra work sheets they can complete at home of they and their parents so wish. I am not going to put pressure on he recently divorced mum hardly hanging in there and bang her around the head with why she hasn't done school work with her kid, or chastitise the alcholic's son for not having done his homework when I know he had to clean up after his father's mess. I'm not going to harass immigrant parents who can hardly speak English about why they haven't done homework (I will, if necessary suggest extra support for heir children, but this should be to support the rental learning not and added burden of homework), and I will not pressure the mum of the boy who just can't sit still and who already struggles in school to spend his free time pooring over books when what he needs is to run around and burn of energy.

[Londonmamabychance]

Arg, general not rental

[clumsyduck]

I am not a pushy mum type whatever that actually means

Ds is on target , he is not overly eager to learn in some respects I should imagine as school goes on he will enjoy and Excel in maths and science tho stuff and probably tolerate English / writing etc . I could be wrong but seems to be going that way. I try make learning fun and always encourage him ( he gets upset that his letters are back to front ) so I encourage him so he feels proud of how far he has come and the effort he puts in rather than push him so he can "be the best " iyswim . The main focus for me though is he is happy rather than pushing the academic side at such a young age but even so I cannot for the life of my understand why parents who CAN do not ensure there dc are at least grasping and are comfortable with what they should be for their age

[MuseumOfCurry]

Homework strikes me as vitally important as it's your link to the work your child is doing at school.

My oldest just started secondary which is a complete black-box operation to me, and that's fine, but I still need to know what my 10 year old is doing so I can identify & remediate gaps.

[clumsyduck]

Yes museum that's what I was trying to get at but worded it badly

That's exactly it

[sirfredfredgeorge]

but I still need to know what my 10 year old is doing so I can identify & remediate gaps

Eh? You ask your child...

And how would you know from homework what gaps there were anyway, you can't possibly know if they're not getting homework about something because they've not got to it yet, or not getting to it ever?

[clumsyduck]

Although younger I can ask ds what he does at school and he will say he has forgotten or more likely tell me about playtime

In reading with him doing spellings maths etc I can see were he is at and that he is understanding the work set for him which gives me an indication of where he is at genrally at school

[booox]

Thirty six makes a fantastic point.

Hwk at this age should be more engaging fun stuff, meanful. To a point, optional.

It's incredibly demoralising that do hwk which usually isn't differentiated (bar spellings and reading) if you struggle.

[Londonmamabychance]

museum engaged parents are great, but you don't need homework to tell you what your child is doing at school. Ask the teacher they'll be happy to tell you, and even happier if you ask them if there's any specific area in which your child could do with improving, and if there's any extra exercises they'd recommends. Surely this is the best way to link in with the school, as the teacher will have the best knowledge of your child's academic development. And again, this is something resourceful parents can do, because they have the energy, but I think that making a school system that relies heavily on parents supervising homework and enforcing learning at home or coins to hurt the most disadvanted kids, and it's not even necessary for the advantages ones.

[GreenGinger2]

Homework is often necessary as it can embed and hone skills in areas such as reading,spelling and tables which children work at an individual level. It also sets good habits in place for secondary.It can come in all manner of forms- games,tablet...The fact that those who do their homework are often ahead speaks volumes. It is also a marathon not a sprint ie when life challnges crop up schools are very understanding and make that clear. Challenges don't exonerate you from ever doing homework though. Interestingly in my experience the kids with English as a second language often go above and beyond everybody else managing to complete homework with bells on.

At the end of a day you have signed a home school agreement. If school sets homework you do it. You don't pick and choose. To do so is very damaging for the child involved.If you don't want to then teach your childre elsewhere.

[Londonmamabychance]

Greenginger, I don't think anyone is disputing that homework, of the kids and family is up for it, is a good thing. My point is just that in many cases it does not work for the individual family and child for a variety of reasons. Please try to understand that not everyone is the same as you and the people you know.

The fact that kids who do homework are ahead is not caused by them
Doing homework: they are the kids who are ALREADY ahead, because they come from resourceful families, and they would be ahead with homework or no homework. The do the homework because of the relatively privileged position they have, it's not the homework that cretes this position.

Many parents can't just pick and choose schools,
And have to put up with what is on offer to them locally, and normal
People certainly have no influence on the governments educational policy.

[GreenGinger2]

Not all children who do homework are "privileged". Many aren't and do it.

I've taught several bright children from "privileged families" who don't do homework. It shows. They get overtaken by those less "privileged" and less bright.

[Londonmamabychance]

First of all, that is not at all true in my experience. Less bright children rarely overtake naturally bright ones if both are from similar backgrounds, homework or no homework. Secondly, what I'm trying to make you see is how detrimental homework requirements are to kids from less resourceful homes. And I am not talking mainly about income level, but about how much time and energy the parents have for the children. And how detrimental it is to kids who can't sit still for long and need to burn of energy in spare time etc. but it seems that you can only focus on the narrow idea that yes, in the right circumstances, homework is helpful. Please try to see the broader picture.

[MuseumOfCurry]

Londonmama I really don't want to be the mother who is constantly asking the teacher what's going on. I overwhelmingly prefer a passive feedback loop where I can be as involved as I wish without imposing on the teacher.

Secondly, what I'm trying to make you see is how detrimental homework requirements are to kids from less resourceful homes.

I feel for these children but I'd resist implementing a system predicated on little or no parental involvement.

[Londonmamabychance]

No one is saying it has to be little or no parental involvement. But don't make the kids chances to succeed overwhelming dependent on their parents ability to help them out with homework.

[Londonmamabychance]

Also, all you have to do to see how and what your kid is doing is take out his/her books and look at them and talk to your child?

[GreenGinger2]

In primary sellings,tables and reading take very little. They are written down. Kids just need to learn them. They know how to do it as schools often do plenty to inform kids and parents. Not hard.

And as for kids not being able to sit still as an excuse.

[mathanxiety]

I am not sure if it's the homework per se that makes the difference, or the fact that the parents of children who do it are interested enough to make sure it gets done.

[GreenGinger2]

In my experience tables and reading make a huge difference. Kids don't automatically pick up everything instantly at the same pace so doing such things at home is hugely beneficial.

Spellings if done well can be to.

I think fostering more parental involvement as regards school( and definitely homework) is hugely important. I also think if supported well most parents can do it.

[Colby43443]

Tiger mums make kids do homework and extracurriculars plus extra homework by any means possible and offset this by over the top affection elsewhere. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't.

I wouldn't call encouraging kids to do their homework tiger parenting tho, I'd call it being a good parent. By teaching your child to complete homework they don't want to do you are teaching them to respect deadlines and preparing them for work. A child should be ready for the realities of work by 16 (regardless of whether they decide to go into f/t education instead).

[mathanxiety]

I am not sure if tables and reading make such a huge difference that teachers should be leaving so much crucial input to parents. They surely know that there are children who will lose out, fall behind, and never catch up - they know that this is a significant loss. If tables and reading are so important then how about teachers really focusing on them during the school day?

[dementedma]

I'm genuinely shocked at the amount of homework some very little ones are getting! Here in Scotland, or maybe just in this area, they have next to none! DDS had reading books and maybe a few words or a worksheet which took about 2 minutes and that was it.
Ds is 14 and still has hardly any!
Both DDS at university so can't have done them too much damage.