Conflicted: potentially tiger mum

[Hereforthebeer]

I'm on AIBU to get some home truths

My DCs are primary. They are both really capable and doing well. My initial view of primary school as an outsider was that it was all about being happy and secure.
I don't always make them do homework, I mainly do the reading required but if we have activities, they miss it. I sometimes miss spelling tests and generally am aware of whats required but also want them to love learning and so am sensitive of when I think they need a break/dvd night. So basically i encourage learning, within reason.
Recently, i've been thinking perhaps this is wrong. They are essentially under achieving even though they are only just out of nappies and I should make them always do their best, even if i sit over them, they should always do what is required even if they are knackered and I should be more 'tiger', more competitive.
WWYD/WDYD?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I was waiting for Trifle to come on. She's a secondary school teacher. I was previously on a thread like this. I disagreed with her comments. It's perfectly possible for a child to be ready for secondary if they don't do every single piece of homework in infant school and every piece of reading set. Dd is in yr4 and she'd be mortified if she didn't hand homework in, wants to get all her spellings and progress in her times tables. its very easy to put off little children and a lot easier to motivate slightly older ones.

[Trifleorbust]

Awestruck by having a stalker

[hippyhippyshake]

I'm gobsmacked that thirtysix would actually do that and then come on here and basically boast about it

[FurryLippedSquid]

My kids went to a primary that had a 'no-homework' policy. They believed kids should have a chance to be kids. They consistently achieve Outstanding in Ofsted reports so they must be doing something right. The one thing they asked was that we read with our child 3-4 nights a week and make a comment in the reading record. Not sure how they did spelling (I never saw a spelling list) but all of them have excellent spelling. My DS went to an academically selective senior school and in Year 7 they judged his spelling as that of a 14 year old, so guess primary school was doing something right.

As he went into that school we had a talk from the form tutor who said to us that in their experience a child's A level results bore no correlation to how much homework children had done up until age 11.

However, from my experience it seemed that those kids who had gone to private junior school (with lots of homework) had a much better study/work ethic than my son who took a long time to settle down to it and I'm not even sure he is now (sixth form). However, youngest DD went to same school and she is very diligent about doing her homework, so perhaps it's just a personality thing.

So, in a nutshell I have not had to do much tiger-ing over homework and learning, except nagging my son over his gcse revision

[SalemSaberhagen]

hippy ditto! I'm surprised nobody else has commented on it!

[lottiegarbanzo]

Do you know what a 'tiger mum' is? Your OP has nothing at all to do with anything related to that concept.

You're asking 'should we do the basic work set by the school or not bother?'

The first person to talk to about that is your child's teacher.

If you knew why homework is set, why those tasks, how it fits into your child's learning over all, what progress they're making, so what they'd particularly benefit from spending more time on - them you'd be at a starting point for being able to make sensible decisions about homework. It sounds as though you're guessing in the dark at the moment.

This has nothing to do with being competitive. It's about helping your DCs achieve their potential - which can help them feel happy.

[Mellowautumn]

Primary homework is mostly bollocks and apart from reading has been shown empirically to have zero affect on achievement. Learing an instrument and having a love of learning and Knowlage plus teaching 'grit' ie persistence and a capacity to word hard when necessary (read Carol Dwark) are much more influential in long term outcomes.

[hettie]

I'm laughing about the spelling being a barrier to later success. I'm dyslexic and my spelling is poor. I've worked in TV/journalism and then switched to another (unrelated highly competitive academically challenging career). I have a master's and a doctorate.
In all this time the only time spelling has been an issue was with an old school series producer. He used to correct the spelling on my scripts.... Despite my obvious crap spelling, he hired me again because I was good at my job. If I send academic draft too early I'm aware my colleague might be frustrated because of errors. But me sending it too early is more about my time management, urge to leave it to the last minute

[bloodymaria]

I'm gobsmacked that thirtysix would actually do that and then come on here and basically boast about it

I know!! Madness.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Thirty six You've given us an example of support and attainment in primary school being critical to your DS's confidence, future learning and success, then told us your conclusion is that support in primary school is not important. Ummm....

[Trifleorbust]

Hettie: Obviously in some jobs it won't be a barrier. In many others it will. I worked in an office job out of uni. Our clients were the fussy types so everyone there had a decent degree. But some people couldn't spell well. Those people didn't progress to direct contact with clients - it wasn't worth the time managers would have spent looking over their shoulders to check that they weren't sending emails using 'were' instead of 'where' to the MD of a financial services company. Poor spelling, while not the end of the world and certainly not the fault of anyone who has dyslexia, is limiting.

[Trifleorbust]

Carol Dwark

Dweck.

[Fresta]

I think if you want to instil in your children that studying is important and foster a conscientious attitude to work then homework should take precedence over watching a dvd, playing out, shopping etc. etc. Your attitude at the moment seems to be 'we will do it if it fits in or we feel like it'. Is this how you want them to proceed. If not I'd stop it it. If you're not bothered then continue, but don't expect them to suddenly become students who are prepared to make studying a priority in later years if you don't do that now- old habits die hard.

[Fresta]

And the attitude you foster now will stay with them their entire lives, not just their school lives.

[SittingDrinkingTea]

I went to a primary which didn't have homework, spellings or home reading books. I then went to quite an accidemic secondary which expected at least an hour a night from the start. Homework came as a total shock to me and I never really got into a good routine with it, frankly I resented the intrusion on my time and was lazy and half arsed and it cost me when it came to exams. I know a lot of people talk about how homework in primary isn't necessary, but I feel like the point of it is to get children used to the idea of independent work and organising their time in preparation for secondary, rather than any actual educational merit of the work itself.

I wouldn't ever tell my DD she didn't have to do her homework, I insist she makes time for it and does it properly (i.e. sits at the table, has all the pens and pencils she needs before hand, keeps her work neat and uncrumpled) because I don't want her ending up like me. I wouldn't excatly call myself a tiger mother though, maybe an ocelot mother or some other lesser big cat.

[waterrat]

Given that children across most of Europe don't do any formal learning until they are 7 and then do better than British children later on I think you can relax.

[notagiraffe]

OP - it's impossible to 'underachieve' when children are barely out of nappies. Being happy and secure and enjoying school is of paramount importance at that stage.

Spelling tests have been proved time and again to have very little bearing on whether children spell correctly when writing independently. What does have a massive bearing is reading. The best thing to do is read to them and with them every night. Let them guide whether they want to try reading themselves or be read to. Talk with them loads, increase their vocabulary. Point out things you notice about nature and the world around them, so they get into the habit of being curious. Play with them, and set up play for them - water play, junk modelling etc. Encourage them to draw a lot as this massively helps with fine motor skills and handwriting later on.

My DC and lots of the DC I tutor were 'underachievers' in infant and lower junior. They went on to be top set academics, because they weren't learning by rote or going through the drills, but learning to think for themselves, be creative, critical and curious. Those, alongside the social skills of learning to give and take and get on with others, are by far the best skills at that age.

The only thing I wish I'd being tigerish about is times tables. School was lazy about teaching them and we were too. They both struggled way beyond the time they should have, and we ended up drilling them in Yrs5 & 6, which was a bit tough. They could have gone in earlier if we'd used all those songs and online games available.

[notagiraffe]

Sitting at 'ocelot mother'. Brilliant.

[Hereforthebeer]

Thanks for all the feedback.

To answer some of the questions.
I never criticise the teachers, even if I think homework is overkill, the children are not aware of this.
I do encourage learning, I occasionally buy workbooks from the shop sometimes and do maths with them as they both enjoy it. We read to them every night. There's books everywhere.
They are year 1&2. They are both in the exceeding expectation category at school for English and Math.
My DD loves science and nature so she will read about that before falling asleep and my DS reads fiction every night before bed. The books from school are meant to be read 5 days per week, but we (I checked it was ok with the teacher) sometimes put other book names in the log.
Things we've missed: They both got a massive sheet of homework to complete across the term, and we did some of them, not all. They also get weekly homework which this term we have done, last term we forgot a few times. We have forgotten or run out of time for spellings sometimes but they still normally get most of the right.

I think the general consensus on here seems to be that I do need to up it a notch, if we were in most countries in Europe we they wouldn't even both be at school. Our curriculum is crazy.

[drivingmisspotty]

Don't want to speak or OP but I read it that she is a 'potential' tiger mum. Ie is not one now but fells she might be at a turning point where she could become one.

Anyway, I think it is fine to be relaxed about homework and not turn it into a battle. But its a balance and it is possible to enjoy learning something together and surely that is no bad thing. Also, it depends on your DC personality. My DD is 7 and doesn't really have the ability to plan her time to get everything done yet. But she does get v anxious/upset if she has not completed homework. So I take it as my responsibility to help her plan her time so she gets stuff done, this leads to her being happier ultimately.

[danTDM]

Crikey, it's not 'tiger' to NOT make them do their homework. They should be doing it, I my opinion, or they will fall behind. simple.

Spellings, tables are all important.

[ThirtySixViewsOfMountFuji]

Well slight context check to my controversial late night post... of course I have 'artificially promoted' other children (quite a few at various times) to higher groups in order to boost their attainment. Part of a teacher's job is to find ways to support children whilst challenging and stretching them - sorry, I thought that was a given! Some children will cope well and thrive, whilst others may have their confidence knocked, so you have to be sensitive to that.

So I should have left that bit out and said that DD completed all her homework/spellings, etc., no problem, however it was difficult and stressful to get DS to complete his reading/homework/spellings (which he would score 10 out of 10 on and then promptly forget). This stage won't necessarily define the rest of their lives. DS's spelling has slowly improved as he has got older, but it is something he will never completely master.

Of course primary is important and it is the teacher's/school's job to work with the children and parents to ensure that children thrive, but I think that extreme pressure (i.e. being a tiger mum) on children at a young age isn't good and it is at secondary school where parents need to keep their eye on the educational ball.

I'm sure I've contradicted myself several times, but it's a complex issue and also depends on the individual child. Didn't mean to shock and disgust people with my original post and I don't like conflict, so I suppose I will have to go off and change my name now. Shame really, I liked this one... Thanks for reading and goodbye!

[NightNightBadger19962]

I would have a regular 'reading or homework' time, and encourage them to know what is expected and do it to a reasonable standard, but keep it simple. Praise for completion, don't correct too much (until their confidence is established). They will somewhat enjoy this focused time with you. I found that what I thought was the right time to do homework didn't work for my eldest - she is better doing it after tea.

[ThirtySixViewsOfMountFuji]

Before I go... reading and times tables, they are the most important. It's the lengthy reams of written homework which takes hours that isn't so crucial IMO.

[BlueBlueSkies]

My kids went to an 'Outstanding' London primary school that did not have homework. When my kids started there they did have homework, parents complained and the school agreed that it was pointless. So they stopped all homework for all apart from year 6. Mine are now at secondary school and doing well.

Primary school is for learning the basics. Let them have fun. I think having happy confident children is more important than educational achievement at that age. As long as they are keeping up with the rest of the class and meeting the teachers expectations, then they are fine.