Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to respond like this when asked when I'm having a second child?

105 replies

steppedonlego · 17/11/2016 15:49

I have a DD age 3, and people at work are constantly asking me when I intend to have another one, to the point where I'm asked two to three times a day. For the past two years since I returned to work I've given the platitude of "oh well maybe when we're ready..." but it's been really getting to me lately.

I struggled for two years to get pregnant, suffering two miscarriages, a difficult pregnancy that saw me unable to walk at all for the last month because of severe SPD, and PND so badly that I'm still receiving treatment for it now. Added to this several disasters whilst I was on maternity leave (boiler broke down expensively, car broke down expensively, several other more minor things) which has left us in significant debt that we are slowly paying off, but the cost of a second baby, mainly because I would have to be off work with no overtime for two months, would bring us to bankruptcy.

I'd love a second child, but life circumstances is looking more like it's never going to happen, so I'm trying to be content with what I have (especially with DD, who is the loveliest little girl) but it's like a wound that I'm trying to heal that is being poked at every day.

AIBU to tell the next person who demands I have another child all this? (or rather, AIBU for finding imagining telling people this just to imagine the look on their faces cathartic, as I actually could never tell people this kind of personal information anywhere but an anonymous forum)

OP posts:
qumquat · 19/11/2016 20:41

I don't get why this is a socially acceptable question at all. Luckily I only want one so can wuote genuinely snort 'god no!' When asked.

SongBirdsKeepSinging · 19/11/2016 20:48

People are so bloody rude!! Yanbu at all!

A mum I vaguely know to say hello to at school asked me if I'm pregnant or just got fatter yesterday. I nearly burst into tears but calmly said no I'm not pregnant I had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago. She didn't even bat an eye never mind apologise. I'm very anti people today haha

carameldecaflatte · 19/11/2016 21:00

I usually try being polite but I had to be blunt with one peculiarly insistent person. Why aren't we having another? "I have been pregnant for 69 weeks in total and only managed 1 living son so I don't think we'll be going through any of that again". (Ds1 was stillborn, Dc2 miscarried, Ds2 emcs)

Mom2Monkeys · 19/11/2016 21:08

I think sometimes people ask to just make conversation, and don't even consider that there may be personal circumstances or feelings involved. I have asked people the same question; but then, I'm socially awkward and blurt out cringy questions because I clam up when small talk is expected. Start just saying 'no', and they will soon stop asking.

TBH, I had two and although I obviously love them both, I sometimes wonder whether it would have been better to just have one. It's bloody hard and stressful with two - much harder than people talk about/admit. Also, the bond I had with my first was damaged when the second came along and we never really got it back.

If you are having some financial pressures, another baby is going to make it worse.

You've got to do what's right for you and don't be influenced by others who try to make you think it's 'better' to have more than one or expected. You can always think about it again in future, when you are in a better place.

EverySongbirdSays · 19/11/2016 21:09

SongbirdsKeepSinging

From another MN songbird I am POSITIVELY FURIOUS on your behalf Flowers

FaithAscending · 19/11/2016 21:10

Oh I feel for you! My work colleagues have learnt the hard way not to ask me. I'm moving to a new job soon, I need to don my hard hat and prep some answers.

I remember a colleague snarky cow who asked me outright if I was pregnant. I wasn't. At that point we'd been TTC for 2 years 4 months and thought we'd need IVF. I must have gone bright red and said 'No I'm not! Who told you that?!' Oh she squirmed! She must have put two and two together and made baby!

I also had a colleague who asked me if I'd have any more when I was 8 months pregnant. I replied Can I have this one first?! When I came back to work she said Isn't it time you had another? In the end I bluntly said: It took 2 years 8 months to conceive DD, it nearly broke us. I didn't have an easy pregnancy and then DD had terrible reflux and I had PND...I just don't know if we can put ourselves through all that again' She's never asked again!

annemariejord · 19/11/2016 21:29

When I had my twin girls I had quite a few complete strangers in the street ask if they were "natural or IVF" ermmm none of your business!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 19/11/2016 21:39

"Gosh never"

"No plans at the moment - shall I add you to the WhatsApp group so you get an instant update when I'm "in the family way"

"I'm hoping Brexit will finally bring a pay rise so I can afford childcare for two children"

"Would you care to hazard a guess as to the day rate of the average nursery in (insert home town)? (Long pause)

"Why do you ask?"

"I'm thinking next week might work"

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/11/2016 21:42

If anyone asks me a question. I either completely ignore them or they get the death glare.

I hate people asking questions. It's so intrusive rude and insensitive.

squizita · 19/11/2016 21:44

Tbh I usually tell the truth now "I have a medical condition which causes multiple miscarriages and poor health in pregnancy. Please don't ask as if it's a given everyone can have loads of kids". Angry

sortthetacheoutbernard · 19/11/2016 21:46

I say 'thats a very personal thing to ask' and they shut up usually. Not always though so then I say
'i think that's between me and dh don't you'

stiffstink · 19/11/2016 21:48

needmorewine I'm the one who used the wrong hole excuse! I used it for years before having DS! Oh the looks of horror were the best moments of my life!

God, I'm so chuffed that someone on here has remembered it!

M0nkington · 19/11/2016 21:49

They will stop asking eventually. It's just something people say. They don't actually even care. I had a bad infection during and after birth witH DC so can't conceive again Flowers to you OP.

slightlypeevedwombat · 19/11/2016 21:52

different angle on the 'intrusive questions' - maybe people think thats a 'safe' area to talk about - if you dont want to answer a simple 'no, we're happy with the one' thats all
if people then go on with the 'wont they be lonely etc' just say 'no we dont think so' and repeat

people who ask if you are pregnant are just fucking rude, you cannot just do that - you can only do that when you see the baby coming out! only time EVER!

Matchingbluesocks · 19/11/2016 21:57

I can't believe all these people are asking you. I have only known few people who are rude enough to
Ask and even they wouldn't do so regularly

squizita · 19/11/2016 22:08

slightly but how would anyone over the age of early 20s think that? Everyone knows someone with fertility issues or a difficult birth or pnd or mis carriage or marriage issues or financial issues or ... etc.
It is just a potentially upsetting question! Once maybe but of the person looks awkward then NEVER AGAIN surely if you have an ounce of social common sense.

slightlypeevedwombat · 19/11/2016 23:09

every conversation could have tragic links for anyone - i dont want to minimise anyones pain in any way at all, and i dont mean to be disrespectful of anyones pain at all - even what are you doing this weekend 'oh i'm going to a funeral' (i'm not of course its just a silly example)

conversations are a minefield, and some people have no clue on what to say, and think that people follow a pattern, you know, met, go out, move in, get married, buy a house, have a baby, then another baby etc
I know thats the easy way for lucky people, but thats just what people expect - they're not trying to hurt you

SongBirdsKeepSinging · 20/11/2016 02:37

Thank you every song Flowers

BigGrannyPants · 20/11/2016 09:25

If it upsets you (and I completely understand why it does) you are perfectly within your rights to tell them to fuck off and mind their own business. Or as some have suggested ask them a deeply personal question straight back. They are not doing it to be rude or horrible but sometimes you need to be quite assertive, maybe even abrupt with people to get your point across. My friend has been trying for 5 years and is constantly asked by all manner of people when she's going to have kids because 'time is getting on' which she finds very upsetting, all she wants is a baby and it just seems to be out of her reach. She started telling people she couldn't have kids just so they would stop asking

jasmine1971 · 20/11/2016 10:01

I used to get p*d off with 'oh, three boys, you must be so disappointed, are you going to try for a girl?'. Several times a week. By everyone that I knew. And my response was always 'if you had met and lived with my three boys, you would know that they were a complete blessing'.

Or when pregnant with DS2 or DS3 - 'Bet you're hoping for a girl now'. Response 'All I hope for is a healthy child'.
I am with you OP, how very dare they.

GreenTureen · 20/11/2016 10:06

It's just something people say...people are thoughtless and probably don't really care whether you have another or not. I do think though that you must be laying it on a little thick...two or three times every day? Really? They must be all different people meaning you have a huge amount of colleagues or some very odd ones, to ask you the same question every day.

I've just announced our third pregnancy and we have 2 ds's. I'm mildly irritated by the amount of people who say 'Oh...trying for a girl then' type comments. And the number of people who blatantly ask 'so were you trying?' or 'was it planned' has actually surprised me. It's irritating but but going full throttle at the next person to say it won't stop the one after that asking or do any good.

DropZoneOne · 20/11/2016 10:16

I used to reply with "one's quite enough". When colleagues carried on suggesting/hinting, I eventually explained about DD1 being stillborn and DD2 being EMCS at 34 weeks - quite frankly we're not prepared to take the risk. Now (DD2 is 8), I just say we can't have anymore. Usually shuts people up.

ViewBasket · 20/11/2016 10:55

1 in 7 couples will experience fertility problems, so if someone's in the habit of asking people this question, it really won't be long before they upset someone.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 20/11/2016 11:49

I remember getting the "hoping for a boy?" questions when pregnant with DC2 (who turned out to be DS as it happens). I always answered "No, I'll be happy with either sex".

Most people stopped at that point, but I got the odd one or two who persisted with "but you'll try for a 3rd if it's a girl, won't you?". To which I said "No. Two children is all I want, regardless of sex." Having one of each seems to have stopped any comments, and now DSis nearly 13 it's clear I won't be having a 3rd.

I think a lot of people have it in their heads that a perfect family is one of each sex, with a 2-3 year age gap, and seem to question anyone else who doesn't seem to fit that standard. Despite that standard not really exisiting because there are so many different combinations.

TheJWoman · 20/11/2016 12:45

We've been trying to conceive for 3+ years. We got married nearly 5 years ago. Every day in the past month or so I've had each of my colleagues asking why I don't want children, because in their minds that's the only explanation as to why I haven't graced the earth with a mini me/DH yet. YANBU. People and their assumptions suck, whether they are well meaning or not.