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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to respond like this when asked when I'm having a second child?

105 replies

steppedonlego · 17/11/2016 15:49

I have a DD age 3, and people at work are constantly asking me when I intend to have another one, to the point where I'm asked two to three times a day. For the past two years since I returned to work I've given the platitude of "oh well maybe when we're ready..." but it's been really getting to me lately.

I struggled for two years to get pregnant, suffering two miscarriages, a difficult pregnancy that saw me unable to walk at all for the last month because of severe SPD, and PND so badly that I'm still receiving treatment for it now. Added to this several disasters whilst I was on maternity leave (boiler broke down expensively, car broke down expensively, several other more minor things) which has left us in significant debt that we are slowly paying off, but the cost of a second baby, mainly because I would have to be off work with no overtime for two months, would bring us to bankruptcy.

I'd love a second child, but life circumstances is looking more like it's never going to happen, so I'm trying to be content with what I have (especially with DD, who is the loveliest little girl) but it's like a wound that I'm trying to heal that is being poked at every day.

AIBU to tell the next person who demands I have another child all this? (or rather, AIBU for finding imagining telling people this just to imagine the look on their faces cathartic, as I actually could never tell people this kind of personal information anywhere but an anonymous forum)

OP posts:

JumpingJetFlash · 17/11/2016 18:42

Now my DD is 9, people have accepted that I'm not having any more chn but I used to just say "It's not always so straight forward" mysteriously and let them assume that they'd been truly insensitive (there weren't any probs in my case that I know of but hopefully it might make them think for the future!).
As an aside I hate the idea that your child is somehow MASSIVELY disadvantaged by not having siblings or akin to child abuse. The worst was a 'friend' who hated it when ppl intimated this when she had only one and would be incandescent about how rude it was and then became super smug mummy when she had her second and went on and on and on about how lovely it was that her two would have each other/ how they would now never be lonely blah blah blah...

SumAndSubstance · 17/11/2016 18:42

I've had this too. DS is now 4 and it has tailed off a bit as PP suggested, but I did start telling the truth which was, 'we've been trying for a while, but it hasn't happened for us yet', which did seem to shut people up a bit. It annoys me though that I feel I have somehow 'passed' the question because they are reassured that I don't want an only child, as if there's something wrong with it. And why should I have to tell people that I've had difficulty conceiving just to get them to stop asking me about something that has actually been rather upsetting? As it happens, I am now 14 weeks pregnant with number 2. I wonder what the next questions will be...!

Chinnygirl · 17/11/2016 18:46

I'm struggling with infertility and got fed up with people asking me when I was going to have a baby. I had a very very very loud rant (tantrum) in public one day that could be heard at the other end of the office floor. It ended with: "bloody never you ask about my vagina again", threw her out of the office (her office) and slammed the door. Nobody has dared to ask me anything health or baby related in any way since then.... Peace and quiet....

Said colleague apologised and baked cookies for me. So were good now.

I'm really an angel most of the time though.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 17/11/2016 18:54

I wish I had movingonup's response when this used to happen to me! Brilliant.

When I was feeling particularly wounded I'd pointedly point out that not everyone is blessed by choice and flounce off.

Janey50 · 17/11/2016 18:54

OMG some people are SO rude! I wouldn't dream of asking a woman when they were going to have their next baby. And I got mightily pissed off when MIL people said this to me,years ago.

oblada · 17/11/2016 18:58

Do random people really ask 'when are you having another child'?? I struggle this see how this would fit in a conversation. With someone I know well enough (not just mere work colleague who I never speak to) I may well ask if she is planning for another child or would want another child, out of human curiosity just like I could ask about other matters (which all of them could be v sensitive if truth be told), hopefully I would do that in the right context/with enough tact. And it's regardless of whether they have 1, 2, 3 or 4 children already. I may not venture into it if they appear childless unless close friend, as it seems a bit risky then. I'm not nosey particularly I'm just interested in people. Never had a bad reaction (can't say it happens that much tho, it's not like talking about the weather) so can't be too bad!

Kel1234 · 17/11/2016 19:02

I agree with other posters, it's really no one else's business if and when you choose to have another baby.
My first is 14.5 months, and people are asking when dh and I will be trying for number 2. We just say that we both want 4-5 years between them, so will ttc number 2 when lo is at school. We are both happy with that. And people respond with "that's too long a gap, you should have another one before lo turns 3". We don't want another baby yet!!! If they carry on, I just tell them that my mum has a 10 year gap between each of her children (I'm 23, my brother is 13, and my sister is 3), so it's not so strange to have longer gaps. And I'm only 24 next year so I'm happy to wait

megletthesecond · 17/11/2016 19:07

Please use the "wrong hole" reply and report back . Make sure you master your poker face first.

MargoChanning · 17/11/2016 19:13

Shortly after I had a sick and premature baby who was still in the neonatal unit, a woman in a nearby shop by the hospital who knew of our situation asked me "do you think you'll have another one?". People can be bloody stupid.

SumAndSubstance · 17/11/2016 19:15

I struggle this see how this would fit in a conversation.

Some examples: (poking my stomach) "Oh my gosh, are you pregnant?" "Er, no, clearly just looking a bit fat"; Me: I can't believe DS is starting school already, numerous other people: well, you'll have to have another one, won't you?; "I've heard a rumour that you're pregnant" "Er, no, don't know why because I'm not."; "Where's DS today?" "He's at school" "Oh. Are you going to have another one?"

Never had a bad reaction
I don't think anyone would say I'd reacted badly. I just calmly say, "we're trying", but that doesn't mean that being asked about it didn't add a little to the misery of unexplained secondary infertility every time.

Famalam13 · 17/11/2016 19:18

Three people asked me yesterday and that's not unusual. Tempted to get a t shirt with 'DH has had the snip' printed on it but otherwise I could have another 15 years of this

MargoChanning · 17/11/2016 19:21

"Is she your only child?......any plans to have another?" Is usually how it's asked to me. Including after we got her home from the hospital and she was clearly a very young baby. Why the fuck strangers think they can ask me about my fertility when I've only just had a baby, I do not know. Nosy buggers.

My daughter was conceived by IVF. I may not be able to have another and it's nobody's business. But I usually just smile and say "rather got my hands full with the one!" as a way of distracting them and this stock answer seems to work quite well.

oblada · 17/11/2016 19:29

Sumand - should I therefore not ask at all? Genuinely curious! Like I said I wouldnt ask 'when' and I wouldn't ask random ppl at random times (or poke anyone's stomach!!)or suggest that their decision is wrong etc But I may try to find out when it comes to closer acquaintances/friends. If they want to expand they can, happy to listen and if they don't I fully respect that. Is that still out of bounds?
Because realistically everything is: job (they could have been bullied, lost their job, never recovered), partner (could be abusive relationship), parents (could be orphan), childhood (could be traumatic) etc no?
On a much minor note I hate people asking me where I come from within 2second of me opening my mouth. But no issue if they have gotten to know me a bit first and seem genuinely interested (fully appreciate this is nothing like having to deal with infertility of course it's just my, maybe rather weak, comparison).

beccabanana · 17/11/2016 19:56

I wouldn't lie or try and distract, I would launch into a full on rant about it until they wished they never asked. My friend was so fed up of people doing the same the next person that asked she said 'oh well we would love to have a baby but after 4 years of trying, 2 miscarriages, 2 IVF rounds, ending up on antidepressants, getting up to our eyes in debt to try and pay for the IVF, it's not so easy now is it'. Would certainly stop them asking anyone else such a personal question

MargoChanning · 17/11/2016 19:58

But not everyone wants to reveal the full extent of their personal situation Becca. I don't.

catlover1987 · 17/11/2016 20:12

I wrote a blog about this exact topic last week. I don't know what gives people the right

bloginstripedpyjamas.blogspot.co.uk/2016/11/its-time-to-shut-fuck-up.html?m=1

ifcatscouldtalk · 17/11/2016 20:29

It is annoying especially when people just drop it in a conversation like weather talk. I never minded anyone asking but the persistant "oh you'll change your mind" types can just fuck off. Infact my baby is 12 now and they have given up and have fucked off . I think unless you know someone inside out you should tread carefully as no one knows what other people have been through. Try to rise above it with a "i'll try anything once." or maybe, maybe not" and change the subject.

ImogenTubbs · 17/11/2016 20:36

You could just try snorting, "God no!"

I completely agree. We also have a 3yo DD. Tried for 2 years for no.2 and finally did only to have a miscarriage last month at 9 weeks. Still hoping it will happen but I'm also starting to get pissed off with people asking us all the time!

MrsPotatoHead80 · 17/11/2016 21:06

I used many excuses/reasons in the past:

DH says he's not sure its such a good idea [whispers] after the incident (then walk off a little confused looking)

DH won't let me have another one (which worryingly would seem to give women licence to tell me how they'd tricked their partners into having another one )

And my personal favourite...

Well we're a bit strapped for cash but I suppose we could work it somehow...maybe one of them could eat & the other one could have shoes!

dollywobbles · 17/11/2016 22:24

I just used to say "we don't want another one. We're very happy with the one we have".

I'm too old to be asked nowadays but it was definitely something that used to crop up. When DS was very small I used to sometimes say "it took 8 years to get this one so I shouldn't think there'll be another". But now I feel even if I could get pregnant tomorrow, I wouldn't. I really do have the one I want.

I think this is a question which is easily answered when you can give the answer you're really happy with. It's harder when it's not straightforward.

1ittlegreen · 17/11/2016 22:25

I often get asked this question by people who are generally lovely abd don't realise how personal they are being. I have often wondered how to respond to them without offending. I'd like to give them a response that is polite and kind bit doesn't invite any further questions.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 17/11/2016 23:23

I once asked this question by accident. By that I mean I wasn't asking if they wanted another one, just if they had one child. It was a school mum and I knew she had a child in reception. I asked if she had "just one child" then said "but of course I don't mean 'just' because there's no just about it" and she started awkwardly telling me about why she only had one child.

The whole time I was thinking "I never asked!" and wishing I was more drunk.

She probably thinks I'm an almighty twat :(

Still at least we didn't talk about my or her sex life

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 17/11/2016 23:24

I meant to say I bet my lady gets asked all the time and is primed to reply :(

Or she was shit-faced. Lots of us were!

Serenitymummy · 19/11/2016 20:25

Be blunt, I wish I was brave enough to. 2 miscarriages and an indecisive DH who changed mind a year in post surgery for endometriosis ablation. I've decided to be brutally honest next time someone is so personal, it's none of their fucking business!!!

Muskateersmummy · 19/11/2016 20:29

On the many many times I was asked about having another child (oh and called selfish for not having a second child) I did tell them the brutal truth of our struggle to conceive, my miscarriage and then or daughter being a threatened miscarriage through out our pregnancy and subsequent premature birth.... it shut most people up, some gave me the wonder answer of "well next time will probably be different "

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