Aibu to respond like this when asked when I'm having a second child?

[steppedonlego]

I have a DD age 3, and people at work are constantly asking me when I intend to have another one, to the point where I'm asked two to three times a day. For the past two years since I returned to work I've given the platitude of "oh well maybe when we're ready..." but it's been really getting to me lately.

I struggled for two years to get pregnant, suffering two miscarriages, a difficult pregnancy that saw me unable to walk at all for the last month because of severe SPD, and PND so badly that I'm still receiving treatment for it now. Added to this several disasters whilst I was on maternity leave (boiler broke down expensively, car broke down expensively, several other more minor things) which has left us in significant debt that we are slowly paying off, but the cost of a second baby, mainly because I would have to be off work with no overtime for two months, would bring us to bankruptcy.

I'd love a second child, but life circumstances is looking more like it's never going to happen, so I'm trying to be content with what I have (especially with DD, who is the loveliest little girl) but it's like a wound that I'm trying to heal that is being poked at every day.

AIBU to tell the next person who demands I have another child all this? (or rather, AIBU for finding imagining telling people this just to imagine the look on their faces cathartic, as I actually could never tell people this kind of personal information anywhere but an anonymous forum)

"We're trying but DH keeps putting it in the wrong hole"

I'm pretty sure I read that as a response someone gave to a similar question on here I haven't had the balls to use it yet - go on OP do it for me !!

FWIW, the questions tend to stop when your child is about 4 or 5, I guess because you have missed the 'ideal gap'.

Then when you do go and have another one with a 10 year gap you get all the 'oh was it planned?' or 'do they have the same father?' questions.

needmorewine YES. This is my new response

If it's mostly men DEFINITELY question THEIR virility, or 'are you asking in regard to potential maternity leave? Because that's illegal'

i posted on another thread about having 'only one', I too have had losses, gynae issues and almost died giving birth (as did my daughter) and would risk my death if I were even to continue a pregnancy more than half way. None of this is anyone but my close families' or Drs business!

I can completely believe the number of people who ask. We suffer secondary infertility and it seems the world and his oyster have an opinion on "just the one" (usually accompanied by a raised eyebrow) recently started another thread about what people say to those with primary or secondary infertility and the shit that comes out of people's mouths is astounding. Children are not like budgies it isn't cruel to "have just the one". There's pluses and minuses all the way. But the number of children you have is no Ines business but your own and your partner. I just tend to be brutally honest it shuts people up

I found that saying "we'd love another but can't have one" works a treat. The questions dried up overnight with no need to go into detail because no one dared ask why. :)

My mil used to ask me all the time, like really really go on about it. I tried to politely change the subject and placate her with vague answers about "maybe one day" etc. Eventually it annoyed me so much that I answered honestly and said "when I can stay off my antidepressants for more than a week without trying to kill myself I'll think about it"

She's never asked again.

So I say go for it, it is quite satisfying to see someone being so shocked when you stop being polite and answer their intrusive questions with an awkward and abrupt response.

I think it's one of those things people just say, unthinkingly, as silence filler. They probably aren't really interested in the answer. I'd just smile, shrug and change the subject. I don't see why they KEEP asking though. Maybe because your answer sounded like it was on the cards.

I have had this all the time (does seem to have finally almost tailed off now DD is 9).
I did once reply with "I would love another but 5 early miscarriages and a 2nd failed IVF make it probably impossible.."

That shut them up. (It was someone who had asked plenty of times, knew i had had IVF for DD and did not get my more tactful replies..)

I am asked that constantly. Like you, I am only planning one child - difficult pregnancy, PND etc. Have constantly battled with whether we should go through it again. Actually got pregnant recently (fairly accidentally) and miscarried, which was really sad, but just reinforced that we definitely DON'T want to do it again.

The questions don't even come from people I vaguely know like workmates (who do ask), but sometimes by complete strangers, such as a woman who I met for the first time at a baby music group thingy when my child was about 3 who started asking if I didn't feel guilty that I had an only child - what would they do when we were elderly and what a burden it was on them!

Am also fed up with people constantly putting stuff on FB like hashtags #threeisthemagicnumber as if those of us who've only managed to reproduce once, for whatever reason are inferior.

I would never ask anyone that question, bloody hell, how nosy can people be?! I know how you feel op. people can be pita if you have only one. The last time my mil asked me yet again I told her " remember 6 years ago when we lost ds at 30 weeks, well that was our last chance so ask your dd to provide your next GC! " that has shut her up for good on the subject, thank fuck!

Im building up to use it. One day it will come out I know it !!

I find it very odd people ask such personal questions but I've been on the receiving end too many times to doubt it OP! You sound like you've made the right decision for your family. Personally I think having one child is fabulous, lots of time, money and none of the drudgery / work that two or more DC could create.

I think secretly lots of people wish they had stuck at one

I can totally believe that you're being asked that several times a day. It seems that 3-4 year age gap is extremely popular and there is almost an expectation you'll have another one.
I just tell people the truth: we thought we wouldn't even have DS (due to infertility, confirmed by a bunch of doctors). He was a big surprise. We are just getting out of debt, DS is a lovely small person and I do not fancy adding a newborn to the mix. This is for entirely selfish reasons and it is entirely my choice.
For the people who don't deserve the elaborate version and ask me when we're having another one, the answer is NEVER. With the sweetest smile I can produce.
Occasionally: "ASAP, if you pay the childcare costs"

I understand OP!

I get asked constantly at work too - mostly by the gossipy women. The men (inc my manager) never ask. It's like the only thing which is interesting about me is that I was once pregnant and took maternity leave.

I don't mind telling my close friends because the truth isn't painful (DS 21 months, no complications, were just not sure yet) but gossipy women around the photocopier can get stuffed!

If really annoyed/repeatedly asked I say that childbirth was like shitting a watermelon and call me selfish I am not doing that again!

Another response (for strangers and work colleagues) is a confidential smile and "You'll be the first to know." People will be momentarily puzzled but all but the thickest will realize they have overstepped.

Obviously won't work on people close to you who really might be the first to know.

People used to ask me when I was a single parent with no SO! It's just something stupid people say to pass the time. Don't let it bother you!

Peppalsmyhero I wish that were true, we can't have another and are lucky to have one but people just won't accept it. Complete strangers ask the most personal questions and they go on and on. Worst is when they tell me how DS needs a brother/sister and how lonely he will be, breaks my heart.

I just say a loud "no way,never".
If they persist I say I don't want to ever be outnumbered.
I get asked 3-4x a week (17month old) but after 2 icsi, a challenging pregnancy, horrific birth and a refluxy cmp allergic baby, I don't want to go back there!
I do think dd is totally awesome though :)

People can be so nosy and thick-skinned!

You're totally entitled to tell people to stop asking personal questions. But if more women answer along the lines of "we'd love to, but these things don't always work out as you might hope", it might slowly become more widely known that it really isn't a helpful question to ask.

I always just told the truth: it took us a very long time to have our first and I'd also had a miscarriage, so while we'd love another we're just delighted to have one. I didn't see any reason to be embarrassed about it and people always responded positively. As a bonus, now we have just unexpectedly managed to have a second people are really delighted for us.

i used to say 'why? i got it right first time!'
i was struggling to get pregnant and it was hurtful being asked all the time x

It doesn't stop even when you actually are pregnant again - 'you'll have a third, won't you', 'you'll want to try for a boy next' etc etc!

It's something that wouldn't have occurred to me before my own daughter was born, I was a bit clueless about the issues people face. So I do feel bad for the times I must have asked people if they were having another without knowing what might be happening or how they might be feeling.

I have a 3yo DD and am also asked constantly when (not if, bloody when, as though it's compulsory!) I'm having another.

The truth is that I don't know if I want another, I seem to change my mind on a daily basis as does DH. Sometimes I feel broody, but generally we're very happy as a unit of three. I honestly don't know. But I can't say that as people tend to take it as a cue to start trying to persuade me I MUST have another. The arrogance of it! They all genuinely believe that their pearls of wisdom will be the decider

Drives me up the wall. Why can't people just mind their own business?

Look devastated and with a slight wobble of lip and catch in voice excuse yourself and run to the loos. Emerge five minutes later dabbing an eye.
They won't ask again