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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the current trend of hen and stag dos is ridiculous?

114 replies

FRETGNIKCUF · 16/11/2016 10:42

Seriously.

Hen dos in Spain for a week?

Stags away to somewhere in Europe or Las Vegas for a weekend?

What happened to gathering with friends and getting drunk the weekend before you get married?

Why does this generation of narcissists, who cannot afford mortgages, think their guests should spend a fortune of forced fun for a weekend, abroad?

I hate this trend.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 16/11/2016 11:24

Is this one of those AIBUs where the OP knows that almost everyone will agree with them and just wants people to join her in sneering at people they perceive make less valid choices in life?

RuggerHug · 16/11/2016 11:24

For love nor money I do not get it. One of my mates had everyone around hers for afternoon tea (we all chipped in baking+drinks) and dinner afterwards. That one I liked. The rest...well I don't go anymore because I got guilted into spending more than I could afford. One went so overboard that I had to say no to the wedding because it went too far.

museumum · 16/11/2016 11:25

I'm always amazed at how many people on mumsnet get invited to hen dos of people they really don't seem to like.

The only 'going away' hen do i've been invited to was some girl friends in a cottage for a weekend and it was great, i love the very very rare chance to go away with close friends and spend time together, it's a bit of a nostalgia trip to when we didn't have so many responsibilities. The same would apply if a close friend had a week away in spain (but i'd only go if i could afford it). People i don't really like and wouldn't want to spend time with don't tend to invite me to their hen dos and i certainly wouldn't think twice about saying 'thanks but no' if somebody did.

onelastpigout · 16/11/2016 11:26

I know friends who have been made absolutely skint because of the sheer number of expensive abroad/lengthy hen do's they felt they must attend. Its not very easy to say no if its a good friend/family member.

Exactly. It's not as a simple as saying 'Either go or don't go'

If you're a close family member or best friend then you feel more or less obliged to go.

Purplebluebird · 16/11/2016 11:27

Last hen do I went to (and only English one ever, others have been far more modest in my home country) cost me about £50 in train ticket, and one drink. We went for afternoon tea in London (bride lives there), covered by the bridesmaid (only had 1) which she paid for with vouchers :D Then we went to a jazz club with free entry, and people bought their own drinks. That's it. It was lovely :)

daimbar · 16/11/2016 11:27

YABU they are a good excuse to have a brilliant, fun holiday with your mates.

When do you get the chance to do that when married with kids?

As long as there's no obligation to attend what's the harm?

DoYouRememberJustinBobby · 16/11/2016 11:28

YANBU.
I refuse to attend hen dos which last longer than one night. What is wrong with a nice meal and dance in a club?
All these bullshit city breaks, spa weekends, trips abroad and the like scream self indulgent, princess wannabe, narcissist to me.

My friends and I have a pact that no one will go down that route and not one of us have. Colleagues, relatives, not as close friends still do it and get really, really humpy if you're not willing to drop £600 and take 3 days off work for them. Ugh.

One friend in the last year has had
Engagement part
Bridal shower
Hen party for colleagues (show and supper in London - she lives in Cornwall)
Hen party in Ibiza for a week costing approx £1000 each Hmm
A meal out and drinks the night before her wedding
A wedding at a location which required an overnight stay
A gender reveal party
A baby shower
A welcome baby high tea

This kind of toxic need to constantly celebrate yourself for breathing is exhausting. And most people at an expensive hen do etc will be moaning about the cost and time away from family. No one dare say a thing because you're called out as jealous, rude or bitchy.

I am happy to celebrate friends, I truly am but it is our of hand these days.

squoosh · 16/11/2016 11:28

It's not as a simple as saying 'Either go or don't go'

Of course it is if you can't actually afford it.

Wookiecookies · 16/11/2016 11:31

doyouremember

What fresh hell is a

"Welcome baby high tea"? Grin

liletsthepink · 16/11/2016 11:31

YADNBU, Op.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 16/11/2016 11:33

A friend of mine did the Spain hen do (I couldn't go because I simply don't have that kind of money to waste on someone else's idea of a holiday). She is usually a nice woman but apparently had a go at my friend on the second night for not "looking like she was having enough fun" (she was having fun but was shattered) and did the same to another girl who I don't know to the extent that she uninvited the girl from the wedding.

DoYouRememberJustinBobby · 16/11/2016 11:34

wookies Judgying by the photos it seemed to involve expensive flowers, expensive hotel high tea and presents.

BarbaraofSeville · 16/11/2016 11:34

I'd much rather go on a spa day than clubbing and the spa day is likely to be cheaper anyway.

I go to an amazing spa that is £60 a day including lunch with wine, it's not about treatments for me, it's all about the hot bubbly water and lazing around.

Entrance to a club, expensive drinks/cocktails and taxis home could easily come to £60 or more especially when you add in even a modestly priced meal.

onelastpigout · 16/11/2016 11:38

I go to an amazing spa that is £60 a day including lunch with wine,

I went to one that was a similar price.
the portion of the lunch was ridiculously tiny and the wine was the smallest measure they could get away with.

DoYouRememberJustinBobby · 16/11/2016 11:39

barbara That sounds like a bargain, however every spa hen do thing I have been invited to consists of two-three (£25-30) treatments a day and an over night stay/weekend somewhere at least 4 hours away from where any of the attendees live. Usually costing in excess of £350 plus associated travel costs and meals.

And normally if they do a spa break they usually crack a month before the big day and realise they want a piss up because of the "wedding stress".

onelastpigout · 16/11/2016 11:41

It's not as a simple as saying 'Either go or don't go'

Of course it is if you can't actually afford it.

It's not simple. If you're the sister of the bride or mother of the bride, or MIL or SIL, or one the bridesmaids, then you would feel you have to go.

MrsderPunkt · 16/11/2016 11:42

It seems wrong when more people are invited to the hen night than the wedding. I know of a wedding where the hen night was a night away (through one of the specialist companies that are around now) that cost £250 per person, plus drinks and transport. 30 people went, so a spend of around £9000, then there was a meal a couple of weeks later for everyone who didn't/couldn't attend the night away. Stag was a weekend away with activities, but I don't know costs.

Then the actual wedding/reception was family only 'to keep costs down' and the evening buffet was so cheap it actually cost less than most couples had spent on the wedding. (hen+stag+gift).

It seems so wrong.

Butterymuffin · 16/11/2016 11:42

A 'gender reveal party'? Some people have too much time on their hands.

Wookiecookies · 16/11/2016 11:43

Jeez doyouremember, it sounds like a load of pretentious shite! Why in the hell people need a fanfare for every moment in their lives is beyond me. The gender reveal thing is totally confusing too, why is a party needed? I get that the parents to be might be excited, but realistically, does anybody else need/want to be involved?

Redpony1 · 16/11/2016 11:43

Totally agree OP.

I don't have much spare money, so i only chose to go along to things i will actually enjoy. I won't spend money on things i knowingly won't like.

I have turned down all but 1 hen do that required a night or more away. I have gone on a couple of fun ones close to home, Go Ape and alike.

If i get married, much to the protest of some of my friends, i will just have a meal in my home town. I HATE asking people to spend money, mostly because i hate being asked to spend it!

Redpony1 · 16/11/2016 11:44

Just to add, i have no qualms with turning down invites from family members or close friends - and i would have no worries if they turned down something i invited them to

Mirandawest · 16/11/2016 11:45

I think it's a vicious circle - people do it because they feel it's what you're meant to do and so it perpetuates itself.

I got married in July. I had an afternoon tea hen party with my mum, sister, friend, her DD and my DD. My DD and I travelled down there and stayed overnight as they all live relatively nearby each other.

DH went to a local beer festival with about 8 friends and some stayed here overnight. I stayed somewhere else that night Grin.

We were very happy with these, none of which costed anyone too much or used up their holiday time.

maxfielder20 · 16/11/2016 11:46

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DinosaursRoar · 16/11/2016 11:47

Well it's not a new thing, my friends were all getting married over a decade a go and a fair few of the hens and stags were overseas.

I had a spa break for my hen - it was more about avoiding the "pissed in a city centre wearing 'L' plates, a plastic tiara and being forced to go see strippers" standard 'hen night out' crap. Civilised hotel, eating, drinking (but not to throwing up levels) and pottering in a very female environment.

I reckon it's more to do with getting married and having DCs a bit older, most of my friends got married a few years before we all starting having DCs, but in our mid-to-late 20s when student debts had been paid off and most people amongst our friends had healthy levels of disposable income (far more than most of us have now we've got DCs). Finding a couple of grand for various hen dos over a summer wasn't a big deal (as it would be now), the problem is when you have a range of 'life stages' in your group, or try to do the expensive stag/hen do once people are settled down with mortgages and DCs and don't have the same levels of spare time/money.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 16/11/2016 11:48

I was invited to one a couple of years back.
It started out as a one day thing with an activity. I didn't think I'd enjoy it, but was going to suck it up as I was a bridesmaid.
It morphed. I got an email with a weekends itinerary, hotel stay, train travel and various other things. This alone came to £200, with a cheery note reminding us to remember to bring plenty of spare cash for food and lots of drinking!
Sod that. I decided not to blow hundreds I didn't have for a weekend I was going to hate. I don't think the bride ever quite forgave me and our friendship did wane.
What did she really expect though? At the time I wasn't well off at all. I discussed it with DH and whilst we could have scraped £200 together, I didn't feel comfortable doing so. I wouldn't have had much spare for food.
I was told all about the weekend afterwards. I really would have hated it.
I hate the obligation surrounding these things. I didn't even want a "hen" celebration but was bullied into it by my friends. I drew the line at anything more than a few friends over and a takeaway. One of my bridesmaids organised a Virgin Vie lady to come. It was fun, but I didn't like the pressure to buy stuff.
Thankfully I am too old for this now, all my friends are married with little children so no more risk. We haven't had any baby showers either. It's just little kids birthday parties which are a new hell all of their own, but I'd rather do a full weekend of kids parties than the kind of hen do you describe op!