To think ex is should stop calling children "son", not by first name?

[layercake9]

My ex has been constantly referring to both ds1 and ds2 as "son" instead of by their first names. It just doesn't sound right. Years ago he would call them by their first names, which are really lovely names, but for the past 3-4 years he insists on calling them both "son". It's as if he has completely forgotten their names or the fact that we named them the day they were born.

He sees them every 2 weekends and in between visits we'd facetime him regularly, so I often hear the following cringeworthy lines:

How are you, son? Let's go, son. Please eat your dinner, son. Please turn the telly off son. Please do your homework SON. Well done SON. Shall we go to the park, SON? Goodnight SON. Bye bye SON. SON SON SON.

When either of our ds's takes part in a race or sporting competition, the ex would bellow across the field, "Come on SON!!! You can do it SON!! Well done SON!!! Keep going SON!!! I'm so proud of you SON!!!" Everyone would stare at him in disbelief.

ds1 and ds2 have cried many times over this because they feel it is so embarrassing.

I've asked him politely to call them by their first names but his argument is that since it is considered unacceptable for children to call their parents by their firstname, he thinks he should therefore call them "son". What a strange theory.

I searched online for forums or discussions about this but simply couldn't find any related topic. Instead, there are thousands of articles on how children should not call their parents by their first names.

AIBU? Is it normal for parents to call their sons, "son". And what if we had a daughter? Would he call her, "daughter"?

You're making it an issue, it's not an issue. Clearly DC are picking up on the fact it rules you and that's maybe what is upsetting them?
And I find it hard to believe people are staring in disbelief at him calling his son, son

*it riles you

My ex is Scottish and his parents call him that.

It's a bit strange, but I gave loads of nicknames fir my son tbh.

One family friend always calls hus son (my age) 'son'. But he never calls his daughter 'daughter', only her name or a nickname. I never thought about it before.

I think calling your DS 'son' is fine - DH calls our DSs that - but not to the exclusion of using their actual names. Specifically refusing to use their names is not nice at all.

If your boys don't like it and they've asked him to stop then I think that's the only issue - he should respect that.

My stepdad has done this with my wee brother ever since he and my mum split up.

I assume its him saying 'look at me, i may have walked out on this family and don't make very much effort to see my son but he's mine and I'm totally a good dad, just look'

In case his son forgets, when he goes without contact for weeks on end.

The fact that he never calls his sons by their given names, would upset me, and I can understand why it upsets them too.

Your name is part of your identity - calling them 'son' rather than their name feels like denying their individuality to me.

Of course it is perfectly normal to use nicknames some of the time - but never using their names? That does not seem normal to me.

I think they need to start doing something similar to him. Calling him Sperm Donor might be a little inflammatory, but I am sure MN can think of something that isn't rude, but that he will find objectionable - the boys need to use this relentlessly, and parrot back to him his stupid 'logic' whenever he objects.

Or they need to feel confident enough to say, every time "Dad, my name is X - if you can't be bothered to use it, I can't be bothered to respond any more!"

My mil calls my oh son. I think it's the human equivalent of cocking a leg up a lamppost. I laugh inside when she does it.

I'm curious to know how, with 2 sons, it's possible to avoid ever using their names. Iff he wants to direct a question or request to one of them what does he do? Call them son 1 or son 2?

It's completely normal. It's nothing to do with marking territory or whatever. He is their Dad. They are his sons.

I know people who use nicknames a lot and where they really 'stick' and they use them a lot more than other people would, eg in contexts where others would use the real name. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. Why do your DC cry over it? Is it like contemplative crying if you talk to them about it, or do certain incidents set them off all of a sudden? It does seem a bit odd to cry about it.

Thisjustinno - it is not normal for a father NEVER to call his children by their name - not normal at all! Would you like it if your parents never called you by your name, and just called you 'daughter'? I certainly wouldn't! Do your friends call you by your name, or call you 'friend'? What about colleagues - do you use their names or just call them 'Co-worker' or 'secretary' or 'colleague'? Of course you don't - so why is it OK and 'normal' for a father to do this to his sons?

A nickname that sticks, and gets used more than the child's name is, at least, individual to that child, relates to them and their identity. 'Son' is not a personal nickname for an individual - as demonstrated by the fact that this man uses the same term for both of his sons.

So they aren't individuals to him.